Tag Archives: police

Fargo Police Add New Dog That Can Detect Weird Activity

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You can’t hide any weirdness from K-9 Tweek.

Fargo, ND – A new dog is being added to the K-9 team of the Fargo Police Department.

Tweek is his name and detecting weirdness is his claim to fame.

K–9 Tweek is trained to sniff out any and all types of weird activities and people.

If you are exhibiting any form of weirdness, Tweek will quickly and easily point that out to his handler.

In a situation where multiple weirdnesses are occurring, Tweek is trained to signal which is the most weird.

Besides being trained to sense anyone acting weird, Fargo’s new K-9 unit is also trained to give an alert signal for any activities that might be considered at all strange, unusual, odd, different, abnormal, kooky, freaky, and peculiar.

Police Dog Licks Man To Death

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My Friend Slicka

Lickota, ND – A man was reportedly licked to death while attending a police Meet and Greet social event.

The man, whose name is not being released until his family is notified, was identified as Mucciolo Knight from Lickinson, North Dakota.

The dog, a German shepherd that was raised in the Norwegian town of Lickehammer, was named Slicka, which also happens to be the Norwegian command “to lick”.

An eye witness at the event said Mr. Knight, who was greeted by Slicka near the punch bowl, kept on saying the dog’s name repeatedly while the highly trained police dog was simply responding to its “lick” command.

Ironically, all of the letters in Mucciolo Knight can be re-arranged to spell: Too Much Licking!

Another Autumn Golfer Nailed By A Distracted Driver-Driven Golf Cart?

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Chalk up another one to distracted drivers! Or was this a hate crime?

Moorhead, MN – During a relatively relaxing autumn round of par-free golf, Mr. Gotlib Haycraft was suddenly hit by a golf cart while trying to hit his tee shot on the par 3 seventh hole at the new Bogie Man Golf Course in Moorhead.

Police are not entirely sure if Mr. Haycraft was accidentally run over due to the normal smartphone distractions, or if he was being specifically targeted because of a political bumper sticker on the back of his Subaru Forester.

When asked if he was OK after the accident, Mr. Gotlib Haycraft said: “No! I’m not OK! And no matter what the reason, this kind of thing just should not happen while I’m out playing a fricking round of golf!”

If it’s determined the cause was distraction, the driver could spend up to a month in jail.

If it is ultimately deemed to be a hate crime, the maximum sentence could be life in prison.

Distractedly, all of the letters in “Gotlib Haycraft” can be trampled to spell: Hit By A Golf Cart!

So-Called Feng Shui Burglar Breaks Into Homes Only To Re-Arrange The Furniture

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Just imagine coming home only to find your furniture completely re-arranged!

Fargo, ND – Some home owners in South Fargo have recently been reporting having had their homes broken into, but nothing was stolen.

In each and every similar instance, these home break-ins resulted in re-arranged furniture, usually in the main living room, along with a signed note from the Feng Shui Bandit.

Based on reading all the notes, police have a pretty good idea of who they’re looking for: possibly a recently graduated interior design student who is obsessed with arranging furniture according to the ancient Chinese rules of Feng Shui.

Please let police know if someone has re-arranged your furniture whilst you may have been away for the weekend. However, many who come home after being hit by the Feng Shui Bandit are very nicely surprised at the new professional look their home now has.

Moorhead Couple Caught With 800 Pounds Of Qiameth Worth An Estimated $2.4 Billion

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Qiameth is a thousand times more powerful than meth, keeping users up for months instead of days.

Moorhead, MN – Police in the quirky town of Moorhead were very surprised to find 800 pounds of Qiameth in the trunk of a car that they found parked at a stop sign.

The Qiameth, which is known to be 1,000 times more powerful than regular meth, has an estimated street value of $2.4 Billion.

The driver and passenger, who both looked like zombies because they had not slept in months, admittedly said they thought it was OK to park at the stop sign but swore they did not have a clue as to how the $2.4 Billion worth of Qiameth got into their trunk, along with some used meth pipes and coloring books.

Moorhead police are calling this the largest drug bust in our nation’s history and are asking citizens to report any unusual behavior to the new hotline: 1-800-QIAMETH.

Man Tries To Rob Convenience Store For A Pack Of Cigarettes Using Only A Pillow

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This is the pillow that was used to try to rob a convenience store for a pack of cigarettes.

Fargo, ND – Henry Doofus was booked on charges of felonious attempted robbery after he tried to rob a convenience store while only carrying a pillow as a weapon.

The store clerk, Richard Stonewall, at first thought it was a big joke when Mr. Doofus demanded a pack of Marlboro Light 100s while threatening to hit the clerk with the pillow.

Once it was determined that this was certainly not a joke, Richard Stonewall pulled out a large baseball bat (after pressing the police emergency call button) and then began to soundly pummel Henry Doofus until the police showed up.

Police officers on the scene found a bloodied Doofus on the floor and then carefully placed the pillow into a clear plastic bag as evidence.

Attorneys for the convenience store will be seeking a life sentence for Henry Doofus just to send a message to future potential would-be doofuses, however, they are in favor of the Doofmeister having his pillow in prison upon which to sleep and dream about that pack of Marlboro Light 100s.

Fargo Downtowner Arrested For Repeated Dawdlings

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Man arrested in Fargo for dawdling. So, when in doubt, do not dawdle.

Fargo, ND – Nyork Slocco, who calls the general downtown Fargo area his home, was arrested by police for “dawdling“.

“No man! You got it all wrong. I was in no way dawdling! Dallying a bit maybe, yes, but deafinitely not dawdling,” says an adamant Slocco.

The arresting police officer added that there might have also been some “puttering” going on too.

Officer J.J. Haskins: “I first tried to suggest that this person just ‘mosey along‘. Dude, please, just meander off in one continuous direction for about a block. Even a slight ‘sashay‘ would have been good enough.”

But what the police officer got instead was an “ambling about” that closely resembled the earlier dawdling, or what the wine-drinking French sometimes loosely refer to as “coqueting“.

After Mr. Slocco was put into jail, correctional staff officers reported Nyork to be “skulking” in his cell.

While sauntering down to the refectory, Nyork Slocco saw a sign on the wall that read: “Learn to be civil. Stop with the frivol.”

Unofficial moral of the story: No matter your lot in life, a healthy vocabulary of synonyms can help you get a lot more out of your life and also into a lot more trouble.

Official moral of the story: Don’t Dawdle In Downtown Fargo.

FM Area To Begin Spraying For Gadflies

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Fargo Vector Control to uphold their Socratic oath by spraying for gadflies this spring/summer.

Fargo, ND – Aerial sprayers working in conjunction with NDSU bugologists will be taking their fight to the gadfly population this summer, along with the other usual suspects: mosquitoes.

The gadfly (pronounced: gad-fly), which has been a problem since Greek times, is usually only a nuisance to livestock by biting them repeatedly until they start to totally freak out and until the livestock can no longer function normally.

However, sometimes insective gadflies can affect the human population in a very similar manner.

As Socrates once demonstrated, in some cases, a pestive gadfly can annoy and provoke humans into action by constant biting criticism.

A human gadfly is one who upsets societal normality by posing condescending questions that are intended to promote anarchy in the name of progressive liberalism.

Luckily, the Gadfly Police will be out in force also trying to rid Fargo of the human gadfly population.

Moorhead Couple Spends Valentine’s Evening Together In Jail After Being Arrested For Disrespecting An Officer

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Jail runs out of cupcakes on Valentine’s Day.

Moorhead, MN – Trelga and Nevron Broomstad simply wanted to go eat out at one of Moorhead’s finer restaurants on Valentine’s Day and then perhaps head back home to snuggle and maybe watch some reruns of reruns on television.

Unfortunately, on their way home, the Broomstads got pulled over by a Moorhead police officer for having a Trump/Pence bumper sticker on the back of their vehicle.

The two were quickly handcuffed and driven off in the back of an unmarked police van to spend the long night in jail for disrespecting an officer.

Their bumper-stickered car was impounded and trash-compacted into a dense cubic foot of scrap metal and then loaded onto a ship headed to China.

While sitting in separate jail cells, Trelga and Nevron Broomstad were each to be given a Valentine’s Day cupcake along with all the other inmates but there were not quite enough to go around so the two were left with no Valentine’s Day cupcakes but they were allowed to watch some reruns of reruns on the television.

Moral of the story: Select your bumper stickers wisely.

Man Found Living Inside Fargo Piano

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A man was found living inside this piano in a Fargo apartment.

Fargo, ND – Unbeknownst to the residents of a Fargo apartment, a man was found living inside their upright piano.

Needless to say, the residents are “kind of freaking out” about the whole situation, say police investigators who are working this bizarre case.

“Now, in retrospect, this might explain why some of the notes didn’t work so good when we were doing some sing-alongs at Christmastime,” ponders Mrs. Anonymous who was willing to speak “on the record” if able to maintain her total anonymity and privacy.

Mrs. Evelina Volšek of 12320 Camden Place in North Fargo is now looking for another piano which hopefully does not have a strange man living inside of it.

If you know of a free, uninhabited piano which could be donated to Mrs. Evelina Volšek of 12320 Camden Place in North Fargo, please contact her directly, day or night, but please remember to respect her privacy as she wishes to remain totally anonymous.