Tag Archives: red river

Further Funding For “Fort Fargo” Finally Finds Feasible Financial Footing

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A rare look inside the main bunker of Fort Fargo.

Fargo, ND – What many have been fighting for for forty four fruitless fortnights may soon finish with fruitional finality.

The remains of Fort Fargo, which was originally built at the beginning of Fargo’s war with Moorhead, will officially become a preserved historical site, right next to a major museum honoring those who fought in this famous battle.

Those who have been fighting for funding for the Fort Fargo Museum & Historical Site raised glasses to toast that the North Dakota Legislature finally voted in favor of committing public funds to this worthy project.

After a nearly fourteen year debate, the N.D. House voted to use forty million dollars from a combination of the state treasury and loans from the Bank of North Dakota to financially fund the costs of Fort Fargo.

If you feel that you have any historical artifacts possibly from the Fargo/Moorhead War that should be included in the new F/M War Museum, please contact the Fort Fargo Foundation for further instructions on what to do and how to do it.

Proceeds From Famous Painting By Amsterdam Douglass To Help Fund Fargo’s Flood Fight

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Pórtráit óf Ivóry Mittán by Amsterdam Douglass to be auctioned off to help save Fargo.

Fargo, ND – Fargo’s very own Amsterdam Douglass is donating his most famous recent painting for auction to help raise funds for Fargo’s focused fight for freedom from feared forecasted floods.

The painting, which is cleverly entitled Pórtráit óf Ivóry Mittán is valued at $1.8 million because: 1. It is by Amsterdam Douglass, and 2. It is the last known portrait painted of the famous Ivóry Mittán before getting violently struck and killed by a distracted driver who was texting “LOL” to a lame Michael Jackson joke.

Besides helping fill millions of sandbags, you can assist Fargo’s flood fight by donating money to the cause via purchasing a flood fight T-shirt which displays the acronym: F.L.O.O.D. = Fargo Loves Our Own Diversion.

Red River Diversion Still Trying To Begin Long After It Should Have Been Finished

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Is the Red River Diversion project dead in the water?

Moorhead, MN – In an effort to explain why the Red River Diversion project is still only in the early planning stages, there will be a public meeting to answer questions from frustrated citizens.

One question might be: After decades of discussion and planning, how is it that we are still only at the stage of talking about an environmental impact statement?

Another reasonable question: If the upcoming permit application process goes well, how long after that will it be until the Red River Diversion project is completely finished and ready for a big flood?

At the September 13th public meeting in Moorhead, decaf coffee and doughnut holes will be provided for the first five hundred people to show up.

To save money, the doughnut holes will be the actual holes that remain after the dough is removed from the inside of a doughnut.

Elderly Fargo Man Will Not Pay His Property Taxes Until Diversion Is Done

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Why the heck should I have to pay my property taxes until that Diversion is done, eh?

Fargo, ND – A long-time resident of Fargo who was one of the first to originally support the Red River Diversion feels that the city needs a little extra motivation to get the job done.

So, Harold Myerson is planning on not paying his property taxes until the project has been completed.

Mr. Myerson calls it his “silent protest”.

“Yeah, it might seem a bit passive aggressive by some for me to not pay my property taxes but, by jove, I’ve been waiting more than a decade now and we ain’t even to square one yet, dammit!”, barks Harold, who is believed to be about 87 and a half years old.

We asked Harold Myerson if he was perhaps just using the Red River Diversion as an excuse to threaten non-payment of his property taxes, to which he quickly replied:

“Well, what the hell! Hey, just who the heck are you, asking me questions about what I choose to do with my property, and my right to exercise constitutional liberties guaranteed to me by the Bill of Rights?,” retorted the cantankerous old fellow.

We did have a few other questions for Mr. Harold Myerson but decided to save those for another day.

Global Cooling Forces Fargo To Purchase Ice Breaker For Red River

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The USS Fargo

Fargo, ND – “Drastic times require drastic measures,” notes Marvin Nimmaster, president of the Red River Coast Guard Society as the City of Fargo has voted unanimously to purchase a Class-D All-Weather Icebreaker from the country of Iceland as Algore’s Global Cooling Initiative begins to pick up some glacial momentum from the International Council of Temperature Mitigation efforts to manage Earth’s water’s changing modal properties.

The USS Fargo along with its highly trained crew of 75 will work tirelessly to keep the Red River of the North ice-free from Wahpeton to Winnipeg as concerned climatologists foresee many major ice storms which threaten to shut down the transportational aspect of our economy leaving only the Red River as the last viable means to thorough-fare goods and people to differing latitudes.

Marvin Nimmaster on the reality of Global Cooling: “The imminent threat of the Earth icing up like a giant snow cone is no longer an arguable hoax that can be joked about by climatological comedians but rather is as real as the moose standing in the middle of the road as your vehicle is trying to slam on its brakes to avoid having the thousand pound beast land in your lap while you’re trying to get to grandma’s house to go sip some eggnog.”

Police Turkeys Helping Moorhead Police Solve Crimes

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Moorhead Police give thanks for Turkey Police assistance.

Moorhead’s Turkey Police leading a patrol car to solve a heretofore previously unsolved crime.

Moorhead, MN – If you see small groups of turkeys along the Red River in Moorhead, chances are the police will not be far behind.

Moorhead Police are now using domesticated, trained wild turkeys to solve many heretofore previously unsolved crimes.

Recently, Moorhead’s Turkey Police led patrol cars right to the front door of Mr. Marvin Shellhammer who had unknowingly vandalized some property while the Turkey Police Officers were watching him.

Officer Ray Dookins: “These turkeys are great for solving crimes because they have extremely strong mental focus almost like a sixth sense. And plus, it will be real nice to have them around for Thanksgiving.”

Army Corps Of Engineers To Straighten Out Red River For Improved Flowability

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Meandering Red River to get fixed with a route canal.

Meandering Red River to get fixed with a route canal.

Fargo, ND – In an effort to increase the efficiency of the Mighty Red River of the North, the Army Corps of Engineers is going to straighten out the river’s seemingly random and needlessly meandering route.

“By making an almost perfectly straight canal, the river’s route will have much improved flowability,” explains Loran Toca, who is heading up the massive shovel-ready project.

The resulting “route canal” will not only relieve natural “pain” caused by decaying tree roots around each unnecessary curve, but will also help the Amry Corps of Engineers win its War on Meanderings.

Instead of having an inefficient river system with a bunch of superfluous turns and sections (not dissimilar to a governmental bureaucracy), the straightened “route canal” will significantly shorten the waterway for whenever it may be used for transportational purposes.

Chief engineer Loran Toca: “Yeah, this here will be a real sweet deal once we get it all finished up, which should be sometime around the year 2140.”

Project Update for the FM Diversion

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Red River

There’s been a Diversion diversion

Fargo, ND – Ralph Malph, a local busboy, informed us at the FM Observer that a huge change is coming to the controversial FM Diversion. Ralph was working his usual tables and overheard a city official discussing top secret information on the diversion project. The official said: “North Dakota is sick and tired of sending that Red River water up to those crazy Canadian loonies for free, so we are going to take advantage of the Diversion and send water to California to help with the drought. You know, do the North Dakota ‘Nice’ thing.”

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“I’m going to build a slide” – Trump

One might ask, how is ND planning on paying for something like this? Well, thanks to Ralph we have an idea. The official said: “We are going to implement a new state tax, called the “CA-ND-Y” Tax. The CA is obviously for California, and ND is for North Dakota, and the Y is why the hell are you asking?”

The experts at the FM Observer have been trying to figure out how ND plans on sending the water to California. Our guess is that they could have Donald Trump build a 1,878 mile-long water slide to send the water on over. Plus, it could be another source of revenue to pay the bills by giving kids and some adults an exciting week-long ride! For right now though, it’s just speculation, but time will tell.

Fargo’s New Party Barge To Run On Red River Yearound Thanks To Global Warming

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Fargo’s Red River Party Barge

Fargo, ND – Thanks to Algore for first inventing the Internet, and then Global Warming, Fargo’s new Party Barge will be providing tours of the Red River throughout the entire year.

The Party Barge is an actual decommissioned Navy tugboat recently taken out of service during the overall downsizing of our military.

Depending on the season, Party Barge tours up and down the Red River will serve hot cocoa, wine, beer, or shots of tequila.

While riding on the Party Barge, passengers will be able to get a first-hand view of our local nature, wildlife, and homeless population who live under the bridges.

The covered docking area which will be maintained by a group called Pier Group Pressure will sell homemade scones, donut holes, and lefse.

Pier Group Pressure chairwoman Flavia Gracestone says she envisions the Party Barge docking area to be a wonderful new community resource rentable by various support groups, cults, gangs, churches, and political parties.

Endangered Sea Monkeys Found In Fargo’s Red River

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Rare family of Sea Monkeys throw monkey wrench into Fargo’s water supply!

Fargo, ND – Scientists have discovered a family of Sea Monkeys living in the Red River near downtown Fargo.

Sea Monkeys were recently moved off of the endangered species list. These cute little suckers are now considered critically endangered and thus are a very protected species of living creatures.

The Environmental Protection Agency has declared that Fargo can no longer use the Red River as its source of drinking water, effective immediately.

Fargo is now scrambling to find alternative sources of water.

Some possible ideas proposed by Fargo leaders include: Devil’s Lake, Sam’s Club, or buying dehydrated water off of the internet.

If you have any ideas that could possibly help, please do not hesitate to contact the Fargo City Commission immediately.

In the meantime, Fargo’s rare family of lovable little Sea Monkeys can be seen playing in and around the Red River by Dike East.