Category Archives: Entertainment

Rapper DMX Absolutely Destroys George Zimmerman In Celebrity Boxing Match

Tampa, FL—In what was billed as a payback matchup for the ages, rap artist Earl Simmons (better known as DMX) went toe-to-toe in the squared circle with murderer George “The Hitman” Zimmerman.

DMX came in at about 165 lbs soaking wet while Hitman came in at a blubbery, shit-eating 233 lbs. This did not bode well for the Hitman as he looked sluggish and afraid–as if someone had stolen his gun. DMX immediately took control with a flurry of “bark! bark!” noises and heavy jab-hook combinations.

The teen killer looked altogether shocked by DMX’s wild array of punches and barks. He took a defensive stance, covering his beady little eyes with his boy-killing fists but it was too late. DMX unloaded on him with the power of a thousand gunned-down neighborhood kids and it was over just about as soon as it started. The referee called a stoppage to the fight at the 31 second mark. DMX by TKO.

During the post-fight interview, DMX explained his strategy:

“I told y’all I was gonna beat the f— outta that punk. He think he hard now? ARF ARF Ruff Ryders! Ride or die!!”

This marks the very first time Zimmerman faced any real physical consequence for the murder of Trayvon Martin. It also goes to show, if you put a pansy in the ring with DMX, there’s going to be an ass-kicking.

Justin Beaver Pleads Drunk To All Charges

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Justin Beaver blames alcohol and an inner psychotic demon on all of his troubles.

Beaver Hills, CA – To the charges of driving his Lamborghini under the influence of alcohol, Justin Beaver pleaded Drunk to all of the charges.

While in court, the Beav explained to the judge in the case that it was not his fault for high-speed drag racing with the cops who were trying to arrest him. J.B. blamed alcohol for impairing his better judgment.

His team of attorneys is planning on filing a large lawsuit against the Jim Beam company for making their young and innocent client so damn drunk.

Once out of court, Mr. Beaver blamed the law enforcement officers on his troubles with the law. “If they would just stop following me around, trying to get an autograph for their wives, maybe I could have a little fun, and actually try to get something done around here, d’ya know what I’m saying?”, he ranted.

Justin’s psycho-therapist blames the troubles on a nasty internal demon for all of the acting out and the blaming of others.

Dr. Sheila Bunz believes that “a priest may be needed to exorcise this psycho-demon from the man-boy’s soul.”

To this, Justin Beaver snapped back: “Hey, I love to exercise! Just let me have a few drinks, before I start to get all pumped up, d’ya know what I’m saying? Yeah, like gimmy a frickin’ drink, or you’re frickin’ fired, bitch!”

Breaking Bad Creating New Crop Of Chemists

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Everything needed to make crystal meth is on the Periodic Table.

Albuquerque, NM – The AMC TV series Breaking Bad recently won a much-deserved Golden Globe award for best dramatic TV series. Bryan Lee Cranston also won a Golden Globe for best actor in a TV dramatic series. He plays a high school chemistry Teacher who must deal with some family issues due to a medical problem.

A top research institution called the Western Area Learning Tree (or W.A.L.T.) has compiled some interesting statistics on the effect that Breaking Bad is having on our culture. One of the main take-aways from W.A.L.T.’s findings is that there is now a significant increase in the number of high School students wanting to go into the field of Chemistry.

Math and science had seen a long and Progressive decrease in interest by students ever since the Sony PlayStation first came out. Since the first Breaking Bad episode, Professor Betsy Carbunkle describes a 10-15% increase in students wanting to go into Chemistry for their chosen field of study when going on to higher education. Betsy says: “It’s quite encouraging that a show like Breaking Bad can have such a positive effect on what’s going on with today’s students.”

Unfortunately, the research is showing that Most of these students want to become chemists so they can learn how to cook their own crystal meth, just like on Breaking Bad. Also of concern, the number of high school crystal meth users has increased a remarkable 4800% since Breaking Bad broke onto the scene.

DeFenders of the show say that just as playing violent video Games doesn’t make youngsters more prone to violence, so does Breaking Bad not necessarily increase society’s usage of crystal meth. Jesse Tweeker said on his Methblog: “I believe that Breaking Bad shows the down-Side of crystal meth usage and therefore ultimately has an over-all positive effect on a generally Negative societal issue facing our country’s future Residents.”

Weirdos Believe Secret Underground Community Exists Beneath Hollywood Hills

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What Lies Beneath? (rated R)

Hollywood, CA—Several mentally-troubled outsiders believe there exists a secret underground celebrity community beneath the rolling hills of Hollywood, California. Locals are skeptical, but crazies are convinced that there’s stuff going on underneath the Earth, beneath the HOLLYWOOD sign.

Zion

Conspiracy theorists have presented non-factual evidence of secret activities occurring beneath the Hills. “25 million people living in LA and absolutely nothing going on beneath the Earth’s crust? I don’t think so, Tim,” proclaimed veteran conspiracy theorist Kenneth Noisewater. “Look beneath the Hills, not with your eyes, but with your instincts…you will see an enchanted, subterranean village full of Beautiful People. Backstage at the Hollywood Bowl is one entrance. Jack Nicholson’s backyard, there is another.”

Nobody truly knows what’s going on under there, but weirdos are convinced that it’s absolutely not nothing. Geologists, on the other hand, refute these claims with scientific evidence that if such an underground community did exist, it wouldn’t for long because the weight of the Earth above would collapse it into itself like an incredibly massive sinkhole.

Do You Know Whose Mouth This Is?

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Guess whose mouth this is and win a treasure chest of prizes.

Successfully guess whose mouth this is for a chance to win a treasure chest of prizes.

FM Observer Headquarters – As you know, January is National Mouth Month.

So, back by popular demand, we are once again having our annual Guess Whose Mouth This Is contest.

The winner will win a treasure trove of prizes selected expecially for that person.

Last year’s winner was Tubby Chitlin from Backwater, Arkansas.

Tubby successfully guessed the mouth of Clint Eastwood.

Tubby is hopefully still enjoying his stockpile of prizes, which included: two graphite plungers, a Mr. Science Ant Farm, an autographed picture of Shania’s Twain, and two unused tickets to the 1987 Super Bowl!

All you have to do to be our next wiener is successfully guess to whom does the pictured mouth belong.

All correct entries will be thrown into a special hat and our next winner will be randomly selected by our staff monkey, Tarzan.

Results From Our Year-End Photo Caption Contest!

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Orange you glad the government is so generous?

Thanks to all of FM Observer’s creative readers, we received more than 500 entries to our FM Observer Year-End Photo Caption Contest!

Here are the Top Ten Captions that were submitted to go with the “Bag O’ Oranges” picture.

Each caption is listed along with the name of its author. Thanks and enjoy!

#10 Mentha Sandling: This is a pictorial example of “Trickle Down Economics”.

#9 Rollo Noaks: Who rhymes with Or’ange? Of course, it’s Julian Ass’ange!

#8 Fred Dwiggle: Juwanna play tennis today or would tomorrow work better?

#7 Camelia Hayride: OK, let’s have a show of hands. Who votes for a bag of oranges?

#6 Blanco Brandywine: Thou shalt not bite the hand that feeds you.

#5 Ruby Fairbarns: Sinners seeking fruit from the forbidden Orange Tree of Knowledge.

#4 Hilda Grockins: Sold! To the man in the striped shirt, for 10 Drachma!

#3 Yolanda Gawker: I don’t like this picture, and I do not want to enter your stupid Caption Contest.

#2 Gilly Buttons: Oranges, Vodka, I’m thinking of drinking some Screwdrivers, yes?

#1 Chica Headstone: Keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars.

Besides winning some major bragging rights, Miss Chica will receive a grab bag of Fun Toys from the Fun Toy Corporation, plus a week’s worth of dry dog food from Pet Me Corporation, and two one-way tickets to Winnipeg, Canada!

Call of Duty: Ghosts – Xbox 360 Review – It Sucks

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Call of Duty: Ghosts was released for the Xbox 360 on November 5, 2013. Let me start off by saying I have played all the Call of Duty games starting from Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare. I’ve put a countless number of hours into them. I think I was around 25 days playing time in Call of Duty 4. I look back now and realize that that is a ridiculous amount of time to spend on a game however my playing time in Return to Castle Wolfenstein back in the year 2001 was probably higher.

Lets get to the review.

I bought Call of Duty: Ghosts on a whim. After Black Ops 1 (second favorite call of duty) I started getting sick of the series and transferred over to Battlefield. I bought Ghosts due to the fact that it would be released on the Xbox One as well. I purchased the digital version which I now know was a big mistake because I would have sold my copy already to recoup some of the money I wasted on this giant turd.

Single Player

Can’t comment on that as I haven’t even played it yet. My review is strictly based on multiplayer.

Multiplayer

Boy oh boy how the mighty have fallen. How a billion dollar company can produce such a turd of a game is pretty sad. I popped in the game and went straight to multiplayer. After five minutes I already hated the game.

It’s boring.

I don’t know how else to explain it. It’s simply boring. The textures are very very bland and uninspiring. Players blend in with their environment so much you can’t see shit. I went into a corner to lay down, regain my health, and re-load my gun. A player literally went on top of me and laid down. He didn’t even know I was there. If he did then that dude was just a gay perv.

The spawning points suck so……so bad. They have been getting worse in every game released since call of duty 4. No longer are people able to hold down an area. They will spawn behind you and it happens ALL…….THE…..TIME. Kiss your kill streaks goodbye too. They are worthless in this game. Hardly anyone gets any good streaks going because you are too busy getting shot in the fucking back.

You die more easily in this game. It’s like you are playing hardcore mode at all-times. Takes one to two shots most of the time to down someone. No more gun battles which is disappointing because that’s what I like about the Call of Duty series. Whoever sees each other first will win. Pew pew you’re dead. Hit markers are not consistent either.

Quickscoping? Oh yea. It’s still here.

Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag

The whole menu and options are boring as hell to. You don’t unlock weapons and items by completing challenges anymore. You get tokens. Yay! You will earn tokens while playing and you use that to unlock weapons, perks, accessories etc etc. You can customize your soldiers outfit somewhat but who cares. BOOOOORRRRINNG. I liked that you could design your own emblem in Black Ops. There is non of that in this game. No recording either.

It encourages camping and teabagging. Yea…..teabagging. Teabagging was cool, what, 15 years ago? The maps are so damn big that the only way to get any kills is to camp. You go anywhere out in the open and you’re usually dead immediately. If they are trying to copy Battlefield then they should make an entirely different game because it just ain’t gonna work.

It’s boring. Did I say that already?

The graphics are terrible on the Xbox 360. However I’m sure they will be better on the Xbox One. UAV’s are worthless. You get a SatCom now. WTF? You deploy it. Doesn’t do shit for anyone anymore. Kill streaks suck but that doesn’t matter. You won’t get them anyways.

I tried to like this game. I was searching for anything to justify my stupid purchase but it didn’t happen. I’m up to about a day in playing time now but it doesn’t get any better. You can tell right away in this game that they didn’t put much time and effort into it. I feel ripped off. How they don’t have a polished game after releasing 500 Call of Dutys is pretty pathetic. The franchise is officially dead in my book.

This game is a total disaster. Please, for the love of god don’t buy it.

Did I say it’s boring?

How To Build An Underground Bunker

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Build your very own underground bunker!

Your Town, USA – In our on-going effort to bring you free adult education classes, the FM Observer is proud to present our next, in a series of lessons for modern day survival.

This article focuses on “How To Build Your Own Underground Bunker”.

Like us, if you have ever desired to live in a unique home, and also wanted to have the CIA-type security of an underground bunker, this lesson is just for you.

Underground bunkers come in all shapes and sizes and can range from small storage bunkers to entire living facilities equipped with beds, food, and beer.

Whatever your paranoia, an underground bunker is sure to solve your problems, and give you and your family the peace-of-mind you seek.

Here are a few simple steps to build your very own underground bunker:

1. Design your underground bunker. Plan your work before you work your plan.

2. Build it yourself or hire a qualified contractor. Make sure you find someone who can keep a secret.

3. Ensure that your underground bunker is safe and well lit. Check for improper ventilation and avoid a roof collapse.

4. Stock your underground bunker with everything that you and your loved ones will need. Take a trip to Sam’s Club and buy at least $250 of supplies, including water, non-perishable foods, and Advil.

5. Enjoy your underground bunker for the rest of your natural life!

Please feel free to send in photos of your underground bunker to the FM Observer. We’ll show you ours, if you show us yours.

Santa’s Warning Letter To Naughty Children

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Don’t piss me off or you ain’t getting a damn thing!

The North Pole – Fargo was recently in the national news for a lady’s obesity letter being given out to fat trick-or-treaters. Now, children in the greater Fargo-Moorhead area are being targeted once again.

Santa Claus and his wife will soon be sending out warning letters to any kids who have become too materialistic.

Santa used to only need one toy per child for Christmas. That number has climbed to ten or more in recent years, making Santa and his team quite pissed off.

The FM Observer somehow got to preview one of these warning letters from Santa:

Dear ______:

Hello from the real Santa!

Mrs. Claus and I have noticed that in the last few years, you have become way too focused on getting lots of fancy toys for Christmas. Instead of celebrating the birth of the Baby Jesus, you only care about getting more crap than you did last year, and more than all your friends. If you don’t quickly start showing a big change of attitude in the next few weeks, you might just get a big donut for Christmas (as in, what’s one minus one?).

You better start showing some more respect to your parent(s) and teachers, and begin caring a little more about others, instead of thinking that you’re the boss. Continuing down the path of materialism will only lead to having misplaced values, becoming a hoarder of junk, and massive credit card debt which will crush you into bankruptcy.

It is up to you if I say Ho-Ho-Ho at your house this year, or if I have to say No-No-No!

In summary, get your fricking act together soon or you can expect less than nothing for Christmas. In fact, I might even sneak into your room and take back some of the presents I brought you last year.

Sincerely,
Angry Santa