Area Man Cancels Plan To Follow Solar Eclipse Across United States Using Solar-Powered Jetpack

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Viddio Burstweiler, Scientist. PhD in Aerotronics, doctorate in Aeronautics.

Fargo, ND – Area mad scientist Viddio Burstweiler wanted to be the first man to traverse a solar eclipse’s entire path of totality as the moon followed it. He noticed that the moon’s umbral shadow will take a “leisurely” trek across the entire United States, covering 2,496 miles in just 90.7 minutes, whizzing by at an average speed of 1,651 mph. This was an attainable mark for his homemade jetpack.

One major setback, however, was that his jetpack is solar-powered.

Path Of Totality®

“I had all the knobs tweaked and I’s dotted until I realized the moon would be between me and the source of my device’s power.”

The Observer caught wind of Vid’s masterplan weeks ago but, like Vid, failed to realize the fatal flaw in his logic until he canceled an August 18th follow-up interview due to this unforeseen circumstance. That is why we didn’t say anything to him at the time.

Looks like he blew it bigly. The next total eclipse isn’t until 2024 at which point most every human will (unfortunately for Vid) be equipped with a nuclear fusion jetpack and be fully capable of traversing the Path Of Totality quite easily themselves.

West Fargo Runners Admit To Drinking Mt. Dew Before Running 3-Minute Mile

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With the help of Mt. Dew, the world record was just shattered by these two West Fargo heroes.

West Fargo, ND – After two West Fargo athletes broke the three-minute mile barrier, they both admitted to cheating by drinking a couple Mountain Dews prior to their record-breaking race.

Zippy Blistad and Flasher Perkins both ran a mile in just under three minutes during the final race of the day.

During their post-race interview with ESPN each of the boys openly admitted to drinking “a lot” of Mountain Dew soda pop soft drink to boost their racing parameters.

Obviously it worked. Unfortunately, both athletes will be banned from the Olympix due to new Doping Standards imposed after recent revelations revealing rampant rule regulations.

If you and your family would like to meet and greet Zippy and Flasher and also perhaps congratulate them on their amazing accomplishment, the boys will be doing a Congratulatory Run through the streets of West Fargo. If they look at all tired or slow, offer them up some Mt. Dew for a nice little kick-start.

Global Warming Causing Ice To Become The New Currency

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“The official melting point of ice just got a little warmer.” –Algore

Meltonville, Iowa – Due to increasingly increasing high and low temperatures throughout the Upper Midwest region, unmelted ice is beginning to become the new currency in this post-Global Warming economy.

Based on his own scientific research, Dr. Gil McIntee strongly believes that people will soon be paying for all their basic survivalistic-type items with unmelted ice.

Dr. Gil McIntee in his own words: “It is entirely feasible that ice will be the new gold just as hot will be the new cold.”

Many are already seeing the ice price begin to shoot up like junkies at a needlepoint class and starting to skyrocket as if being launched from the North Korean peninsula.

Ironically, all of the letters in Gil McIntee can somehow be re-arranged to also spell: Melting Ice!

Man Mails Himself To Vacation Destination In A Cardboard Box

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There’s more than one way to go on vacation.

Box Elder, SD – Rather than pay exorbitant airfare prices for seats that are getting smaller by the day, one South Dakota man had a creative and relatively inexpensive way of getting himself to Puerto Vallarta.

Declan Morgans decided it would be ten times cheaper to mail himself to Mexico in a cardboard box rather than pay some airline to box him into tight seating not unlike sardines in a can.

Once he arrived at his destination and became unboxed, Declan simply did a few stretches and then headed to the nearest margarita for some automatic attitude adjustment.

Statistics show that more and more people are either mailing themselves or their kids and pets to destinations heretofore only traveled to by conventional modes of transportation.

What do you think about this? Would you travel in a cardboard box to distant lands? Do you think airlines passenger seats are becoming too small and too densely packed together? Does a margarita sound real good to you right about now?

Fargo Realtor Being Sued For Calling Bedroom #1 The ‘Master Bedroom’

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Realtors no longer can safely refer to Bedroom #1 as the ‘Master Bedroom’, or ‘The Master’.

Fargo, ND – A top realtor in Fargo is being sued for a million dollars for insensitively referring to what should now be called Bedroom #1 as the “Master Bedroom”.

Lavinia Gamba, founder of Gamba Realty, is being sued by her clients, Dagman and Kusama Sheripov for using what they call an “offensive term” in reference to the largest bedroom in the home that they were being shown.

The Sheripovs: “We were utterly stunned when Ms. Gamba rudely called Bedroom #1 the Master Bedroom! We thought that archaic practice ceased when slavery ended. We could possibly get over the whole thing if we win this million dollar lawsuit recommended to us my our litiginator.”

Lavinia Gamba: “Is this a joke or what? Am I being punked here, c’monow! Everyone up in the Fargo area still calls it the Master Bedroom. If you sue me, then you need to do a class-action lawsuit against the entire upper Midwest region.”

The FM Observer will quickly be adding “Master Bedroom” to our Hot-List of politically incorrect terms, just in time for our next round of free adult education classes which only cost $50 per person per class. At these must-attend sessions, free coffee will be offered at $2 per cup.

Storms Completely Wipe The Town Of Centralia, ND Off The Map

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The quaint town of Centralia, ND is no more.

Centralia, North Dakota – Where there once stood a vibrant little North Dakota town called Centralia, there is now nothing.

“It’s like the town never even existed,” noted one stunned observer who drove by shortly after the storms evaporated.

National Weather Service data confirms that two very strong storms hit Centralia around suppertime but by bedtime there were no beds, no homes, no nothing.

The disappearance of Centralia is already being made into a movie. If you would like to be an extra in this movie, please show up at the former site of this lost town dressed as if you were a Centralian. Please bring your own lunch and water jug as the grocery store is also completely gone.

Fargo’s Dr. Svinkhaus Believes That Black Holes Matter

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Dr. Hector Svinkhaus believes Black Holes Matter.

Fargo, ND – Dr. Hector Svinkhaus who is internationally known for his work in radioactivity, particularly AM/FM, is now a possible candidate to receive the Nobel Peace Prize for his breakthrough study of black holes.

“What I have done here is make black holes accessible to the common people, and now these domesticated black holes can be used for entertainment or as a personal trash can, if you will,” says Dr. Svinkhaus.

The esteemed doctor does believe that black holes matter in that they make matter completely disappear which is a good thing if you have items or pets you want to dispose of or merely hide on a permanent basis.

If you would like to see Dr. Svinkhaus’ personal black hole on display in his living room, please call or stop by for coffee and cookies, day or night, rain or shine.

Delaware Has Broken Off From The United States

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Yes, it’s true. Delaware has broken free from the United States mainland is now floating toward Antarctica.

Dover, Delaware – The entire state of Delaware has somehow broken off from the North American mainland just like an iceberg.

Delaware, along with everyone on it, is now adrift out in the cold Atlantic Ocean.

There are some fears that it could eventually collide (and collude) with a new large Antarctica iceberg which is also the size of Delaware and crawling with hungry polar bears that haven’t eaten for a month.

Possible reasons for Delaware breaking free from the United States include: 1. Climate Change, 2. Global Fracking, 3. Russian Hacking, and/or 4. Political Correctness Pressure to secede from the country before California does.

With Delaware now completely gonzo, the neighboring states of Maryland, Pennsylvania, and New Jersey are way more vulnerable to oceanic erosion and inland shark attacks.

Luckily, the United States still has a nice even number of 50 states because of the recent addition of financially struggling Puerto Rico.

Trump Administration Considering Travel Enforcement To New Arctic Iceberg

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Big is beautiful.

Washington, DC – Last week, in the thrall of a red-hot northern hemisphere summer, the shockingly brittle Larsen C Ice Shelf buckled under the pressure and shed a few trillion tons of unneeded weight. This signifies a huge win for climate change accepters like Al Gore. Climate change deniers remain mum.

The Trump administration is considering a travel enforcement to this new iceberg as compensation for the recent travel ban, a spokesman for a representative of an anonymous member of a Fake News source is said to have maybe repeated early Monday. It is not known who will be forced to travel to the new ‘berg or how they will get there, but do know that mandatory travel is possibly being maybe or not considered.

A brief roundup of things not quite as big as the broken ice shelf:

Bifton Dingwater. Doesn’t have much to say about the broken iceberg.

  • Donald Trump’s hands
  • The national debt
  • United States Tax Code
  • The Guinness World Record for biggest hamburger ever eaten
  • An Ice Breakers® sugar-free mint with cooling crystals

Locals are saying that this broken iceberg is definitely NOT a sign of things to come. They are saying it has nothing to do with climate change. “I don’t live in Antarctica. This is North Dakota. Quit bothering me with these weird questions,” says Antarctica resident Bifton Dingwater. 

The Observer is of the ilk that maybe NASA ought to freeze-weld that big berg back onto Antarctica before Al Gore blows a gasket.

World Famous Jazz Monkey Set To Wow Fargo Jazz Aficionados

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Thelonius Monkey set to take Fargo’s hot new jazz stage and wow the crowd with his unique world-class sounds!

Fargo, ND – If you are a major jazz aficionado like we are, you are in for a real treat when Thelonius Monkey comes to town with his unique jazz sounds that have won the world over and put him in the main international jazz spotlight.

“Having been playing his own kind of new-age jazz since age zero, Thelonius Monkey is his own idol and mentor. There’s really no one that can teach him anything because he does it all,” says Groove Magazine’s chief editor, Dig Jazzstone.

Thelonius Monkey describes his music as 50% eclectic, 50% electric, and 50% hectic.

He once heard a woman humming an abstruse tune at the grocery store and then immediately went home and recorded his own version of it which became his first jazz hit called Ba Nanny, which quickly jumped to #1 on the Simian Jazz charts.

For hard-to-get tickets to see the incredible Thelonius Monkey do his thing in Fargo, simply call 1-800-JAZZ-MONKEY and book your hot seats now!