Tag Archives: congress

Chief Justice John Roberts Swears Himself In During Rare Senate Moment

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A rare moment in history sees Chief Justice Roberts swearing in himself.

Washington, DC – Before swearing in all the members of the Senate for the impeachment trial of President Trump, Chief Justice John Roberts had to first swear in himself according to some archaic constitutional protocols.

Justice Roberts #1: Will you place your left hand on the Bible and raise your right hand?

Justice Roberts #2: Will you place your right hand on the Bible and raise your left hand?

Justice Roberts #1: “Do you solemnly swear that in all things appertaining to the trial of the impeachment of President Donald John Trump, president of United States, now pending, you will do impartial justice according to the Constitution and laws, so help you God?”

Justice Roberts #2: “I sure do…so help me God.”

Then, both Justice Roberts #1 and Justice Roberts #2 together administered the exact same oath to all one hundred senators, who will act as the jury in the impeachment trial of President Trump, so help us God!

“Days Of Our Lives” Soap Opera Being Replaced By Another Called “Endless Impeachment”

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Endless Impeachment will now be taking the place of Days of Our Lives

Washington, DC – Sadly, the long-running soap opera Days Of Our Lives which began in 1965 will soon be terminating due to lack of interest.

However, in its place will be another long-running soap opera called Endless Impeachment which does not suffer from a lack of interest.

Unlike Days Of Our Lives which was an hour-long show just on week days, Endless Impeachment will run 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

President Trump tweeted that he is looking forward to watching Endless Impeachment when he isn’t busy golfing, but thinks the show should instead be called Creatures From The Swamp!

President Trump To Swap The Blue State Of California For Greenland

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Beautiful Greenland to be traded for California.

Nuuk, Greenland – President Trump has made the decision to trade the state of California to Denmark in exchange for Greenland.

“I made a really great deal, because that’s what I do, and in exchange for California we will get Greenland,” shouted the president in front of a very noisy Marine One.

Reactions to this new trade deal were mixed:

Senator majority leader Mitch McConnell said he did not know anything about this deal.

Many others, including House Speaker Nancy Pelosi from the newly traded state of California, are indicating that they want to begin impeachment proceedings immediately.

Democrats Considering Lowering Voting Age To Ten While Offering Them Free Candy

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Top Dems luring children with candy.

Washington, DC – Nervous Democrats needing a win in the next presidential election are pushing to lower the voting age to ten while offering children free candy and recreational marijuana.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi believes it’s really important to capture kids when they’re in grade skool, before they know much about politix, and when they can still be easily swayed for whom to vote.

Senator Chuck Schumer concurs that rather than lowering the voting age to sixteen, lowering it to ten, along with offering free college, free candy, free pot, and free Doritos to anyone who doesn’t vote for the Republicans would be a boon to the Democrat voting base.

Both Pelosi and Schumer agree that their For The Children Act (H.R.1) is “really important” because we need to drastically change election laws before the next presidential election in order to prevent four more years of never-ending Trump investigations.

Man Raised By Buffalo Running For Congress

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Joe Tatanka is going to Washington to literally drain the swamp.

Buffalo, ND – After being raised by a large family of buffalo as a young child, a North Dakota man is ready to represent his state in Washington, DC.

Joe Tatanka, who now wallows in the town of Buffalo, North Dakota, believes it is now his turn to fix big government by bringing old-fashioned common sense back to our nation’s capitol.

Joe Tatanka in his own words: “As a strong and horny buffalo man, I am more than ready to charge towards Washington and fight for the values taught to me by my buffalo family members.”

Mr. Tatanka will also use time-tested buffalo tactics such as 1. standing your ground, 2. huddling up for protection, and 3. attack by stampeding to reflect North Dakota’s legendary morals and standards.

Heidi Heitkamp And Kevin Cramer Agree To Three UFC-Style Octagon Fights

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Will octagon fighting between candidates become the new normal? Tune in to find out.

Bismarck, ND – Heidi Heitkamp and Kevin Cramer, who are both fighting for the same Senate seat, will meet three times prior to the election in order to help undecided voters make their choice.

Their campaigns have agreed that these three meetings will each be a UFC-style fight held within a fenced octagon in which there basically are no rules.

North Dakota is possibly the first state to have their candidates engage in octagon fighting, instead of the normal (and boring) debate setting where they answer questions whilst standing at a podium and sip water for an hour.

These three exciting octagon fights between Heidi Heitkamp and Kevin Cramer are expected to be watched by people all across the country, not only because of the importance of the race but also because of the uniqueness of their encounters.

Hillary Didn’t Even Have A Computer In Her Office!

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How can I send a frickin email if I don’t even have a computer in my fricking office?!

Capitol Hill, DC – Our chief Washington correspondent, Mr. Ben Ghazi, was lucky enough be present while President-Elect Hillary Clinton got brutally questioned by mean, extremist, Republican members of Congress.

FMO’s Ben Ghazi reports that when Hillary was asked about her emails, she cleverly remarked that “she did not even have a computer in her office,” after which she yelled:

Hillary: “And even if I did have a fricking computer in my office, at this point, what difference does it make?!”

Trey Gowdy: “Why didn’t you have a computer in your office? That seems a bit unbelievable, in this day and age.”

Hillary: “Because, sir, I did not even have a desk in my office, and even if I did, what difference does it make at this point?!”

Jim Jordan: “With all due respect, Madam Secretary, could some evidence of wrongdoing by you or a member of your staff have been flushed down the toilet?”

Hillary: “No! Because, quite frankly, we did not even have a bathroom near my office, and even if I did, at this point, what difference does it make?!”

Peter Roskam: “It seems like you had a pretty stark office there. Could any incriminating materials have been swept under the rug, by any chance?”

Hillary: “Absolutely not! Not only did we not have any rugs or carpet to sweep things under, sir, we didn’t even have a floor in my office. And even if we did, at this point, what the hell difference does it make?!”

Donald Trump To House Speaker Boehner: ‘You’re Fired!’

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John Boehner, you're fired!

John Boehner, you’re fired!

New York, NY – In preparation for his upcoming presidency, Donald Trump is already making some big changes.

On Friday, the Trumpster told House Speaker John Boehner, “You’re Fired!”.

Now, whenever anyone has a weepy, tearful moment, it is being called “a Boehner moment”.

At this juncture, The Donald is leaning toward having Motivational Speaker Matt Foley replace John Boehner as Speaker of the House.

Here is a list of some other possible key changes President-Elect Donald Trump wants to make for his administration:

  • Gary Busey: White House Chief-of-Staff
  • La Toya Jackson: Plastic Surgeon General
  • Dennis Rodman: Ambassador to North Korea
  • Megyn Kelly: Ambassador to Siberia
  • Rosie O’Donnell: Secretary of Sanitation & Waste Disposal
  • Bill Cosby: Drug Company Czar
  • Ray Rice: Head of Hotel Security
  • Michael Vick: Director of the Humane Society
  • Al Sharpton: N-Word Police Force Captain
  • Tom Brady: Deflation Czar
  • Bernie Madoff: Treasury Secretary
  • Ted Nugent: President of the N.R.A.
  • Willie’s Nelson: Medical Marijuana Czar
  • Subway’s Jared Fogle: Director of Youth Programs
  • Larry Bird: Avian Flu Coach
  • King Kong: Outside Building Inspector
  • Jerry Lundegaard: CA$H-For-Clunkers Director
  • Major Tom: Director of N.A.S.A.
  • Walter White: Methodist Church Bishop
  • Caitlyn Jenner: Transportation Secretary
  • Jack Daniels: Head of the A.T.F.
  • The UND Fighting Sioux: Oversee the N.C.A.A.
  • Dracula: Director of the Blood Bank & The Red Cross
  • Billy Graham: Secretary of S’mores
  • KFGO’s Joel Heitkamp: Head Grammarian
  • Chewbacca: Director of ESL (English as a 2nd Language)
  • Billy Bob Thornton: In charge of just General Weird Shit
  • Village People: To oversee the Y.M.C.A.
  • Men at Work: In charge of Job Creation
  • Pink Floyd: In charge of The Wall
  • Jacksonville Jaguars Mascot: Ebola Czar

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Human Assault Weapon

Ban On Human Assault Weapons

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Human Assault WeaponDue to the large number of incidents involving human beings using weapons to kill other human beings there will now be a ban on being a human being.

The state department released a report to Congress recommending a background check on all humans and will be closing all private birthing loop holes.

Also in the report, a call to expand prison systems to accommodate all human assault weapons.  It also suggested offering fifty bucks for voluntary submissions of any human assault weapons.