Tag Archives: drunk

Downtown Fargo Adding Another Bar In An Attempt To Increase Crime And Number Of Drunks

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Downtown Fargo needs more bars to truly be considered a bona fide Drunkfest.

Fargo, ND – As if there wasn’t already enough crime and drunks in the Downtown Fargo area, the addition of a new bar should get those social parameters up to acceptable levels.

Instead of adding much-needed parking spaces, the presence of a brand new bar called Cobweb Jocks will provide Downtown Fargo with the amount of crime and number of drunks it seeks to become a world-class party locale.

“Just like going to a hockey game, what people enjoy the most is seeing drunken fights late at night,” says one late-night bloody-nosed drunk guy who just got done being in a fight.

Coupled with the fact that the Fargo Police headquarters is being relocated from Downtown Fargo to two miles west, people who have chosen to live in Downtown Fargo will soon be nicely surprised by the additional amount of exciting late-night activity happening in their hip-hop hot spot.

Cat Racing Coming To Fargo

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Come see the cat races in Fargo while drinking some beer and winning some money!

Fargo, ND – The exciting sport of Cat Racing will soon be coming to Fargo!

“Have some fun while betting on your favorite cat and get drunk at the same time. It just doesn’t get any better than that,” says Carcia Fortgang who is the executive director of the Fargo Cat Race Corporation.

Cat Racing as a sport was popularized in some Third World countries and then made its way to some Second World countries from whence it is now making the jump to some welcoming cities in the USA.

Carcia Fortgang believes that “Fargo, North Dakota is the perfect place for Cat Racing to gain acceptance as a mainstream sport because it is just so doggone exciting!”

Ironically, all of the letters in Carcia Fortgang can be re-arranged to spell: Fargo Cat Racing!

Many Apple Pickers Who Choose To Make Apple Wine End Up Getting Quite Drunk

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A glass of apple wine each day helps keep the blues away.

West Fargo, ND – It’s that special time of year once again when apple pickers in the region start thinking about fermentation.

Dr. Zymurgy explains that by using the magic of fermentation, a little bit of yeast and sugar can transform friendly apple juice into powerful apple wine.

Ms. Feleppa Westin is executive apple of the Apple Wine Fest which she describes as one big drunkfest that celebrates the fermented juice from the original apple of sin.

“If you start your home fermentation process in mid-October, by Thanksgiving you will have some kick-ass apple wine for which to give thanks,” says Ms. Westin. “And by Christmas, you’ll be ready to do some serious caroling throughout your neighborhood!” she adds.

Ironically, all the letters in Feleppa Westin can be re-fermented to spell: Apple Wine Fest!

Anti-Distracted Driver Movement Gaining Steam

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Distracted Driver = No Driver

Hawley, MN – Just imagine you’re completely stopped at a red light and a distracted driver (who later claims he didn’t see you) rear-ends your vehicle at 50 mph without ever even slamming on the brakes.

This is happening more and more to more and more people every day.

The time to end distracted driving is now.

A new anti-distracted driver group calling itself B.A.D.D. (Berate All Distracted Drivers) is encouraging everyone who sees any sort of distracted driver to honk your frickin’ horn long and loud at distracted drivers in order to 1. wake them out of their stupor, 2. scold them for putting anything else as higher priority than driving, and 3. hopefully avoid them ramming into you or the person in front of them, or flattening a child running out onto the street unexpectedly.

A vehicle traveling at 50 mph is moving at 75 feet per second and if a distracted driver happens to be behind the wheel, that vehicle may as well be driven by a blind-folded drunk monkey.

New Tiger Woods Invitational Golf Tournament Only For Legally Drunk Players

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Sometime being legally drunk can actually help your golf game. –Tiger Woods

Jupiter, Florida – The King of modern golf says it is time for him to start his own invitational golf tournament.

Tiger Woods says his new PGA tourney shall be called the Tiger Woods DUI Invitational.

Each participant will be required to consume enough adult beverages prior to each round of golf in order to be considered legally drunk by trained highway patrol officers.

Once each player’s blood alcohol level is at or above the legal limit for blood alcohol content, they will be allowed to tee off in groups of fore.

Tiger Woods: “I think this will be a real good test to see how players can handle normal adversity which is part of most people’s daily lives.”

The grand prize for the Tiger Woods DUI Invitational will be a hot new car and a full case of Mondavi red wine.

Dr. Pepper Advises All His Patients To Drink More Soda Pop

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Dr. Pepper says when it comes to drinking healthy, the more the better, mmkay?.

Pepper Pike, OH – Dr. Pepper, who’s become a well-known physician throughout the country because of his promotion of health on his television show, is encouraging all his patients to drink more soda pop.

“In the North they drink pop and down South they call it soda, but wherever you live and whatever you call it, you need to drink more of it,” preaches Dr. Pepper, while examining a patient.

Studies show that soda pop is a wonderful source of sugar which provides the body with an excellent source of energy, prevents brain black-outs, instantly cures depression, raises blood pressure for those whose is too low, and helps maintain healthy looking skin, while at the same time benefiting the green environment.

Dr. Pepper sums it up this way: “There are some soda pops that are better for you than others, but I’ll leave that up to you as to which one to choose. I, personally would recommend drinking Dr. Pepper. Trust me, I’m a doctor!”

Drunk Zamboni Driver Ices Ex-Wife’s Property

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Many ways to show your love.

Many ways to show your love.

Fargo, ND – It was probably bound to happen eventually. A drunk Zamboni driver “temporarily borrowed” the big ice machine to give his ex-wife an early Valentine’s Day present.

Mr. Sam Pony has been charged with possession of stolen property, destruction of property, and violation of a restraining order.

The police report indicates that: “After drinking more than his limit of Fargo Beer, Mr. Pony proceeded to drive the Zamboni out of the Fargo South High Hockey Arena and into his ex-wife’s yard where everything including the sidewalks and driveway got a thick coating of ice.”

With temperatures plummeting into the deep-freeze due to Global Cooling, this ice will probably be around at least until Spring.

When asked why he did it, Mr. Sam Pony tried to say: “With Valentine’s Day almost here, I wanted to turn my ex-wife’s yard into one big glazed donut. I thought it looked real nice! I donut see what the big problem is, ya know what I’m saying? You donut have to get all bent out of shape over this, ya know. Hey, it’s just ice, man!”

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Insane Ramblings From Random Drunk Bar Patron

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bar_patronThere she was.  Right there in the corner.  I knew I knew her from somewhere.  Was she supposed to be there on purpose?  Did god intend for us to meet at this exact moment?  Was this all planned?

My mind was racing.

I suppose I should go talk to her.  Nah.  Maybe after another drink.  Yea, keep telling yourself that pal.

Now i’m sweating.

What if I smell?  I can’t go talk to her if I smell.  I’d blow it.

Alright, calm.  I can do this.  I got up from my chair and slowly made my way over.

My heart was racing!  Right as the light hit her face……No!  This couldn’t be!  It was then that I had realized it was the same woman who gave me herpes a couple years back.

I immediately hung a right and out the door I went.

Insane Ramblings From Random Drunk Bar Patron

Insane Ramblings From Random Drunk Bar Patron

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It was a rainy dark night. I opened the bright bar doors.  BotInsane Ramblings From Random Drunk Bar Patronh had a green and red neon sign on it.

I walked in and sat at the bar.  The table was sticky and smelled of stale beer.  Luckily the bar stool had a back to it considering the day I had.  I was sore.

I got the bartender’s attention and ordered a tall beer.  Took a gulp of it right away.  Boy was it good.

There was a band playing in the dimly lit corner.  A slender fellow with a harmonica in his hand.  His music was very soothing.

After watching and listening to the music for a while, seven beers and a shot later to be exact, I started to doze off.  One second I heard the harmonica off in the distance, the next I hear the sound of waves crashing.  I was at a beach god knows where.  The water was crystal clear.  I had to go into it.  I walked slowly into the ocean until the water was up to my belly button.  Getting my shorts entirely wet.

That’s when I awoke and realized I pissed myself in front of everyone.

 

– Insane Ramblings From Random Drunk Bar Patron

Fargo Proud To Be Named Drunkest City In America

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The drunker you live here, the longer you get.

The drunker you live here, the longer you get.

Fargo, ND – Fargo is proud to recently be named the drunkest city in the nation.

How proud is Fargo of this new distinction? So proud that the Fargo City Commission immediately passed a unanimous resolution declaring Fargo’s new slogan to be: Fargo is the Drunkest City in America!

National pollsters who came to Fargo said that virtually everyone who was interviewed admitted they had engaged in binge drinking at least five times within the past week.

Even more surprising was the fact that 80% of the people who were randomly selected to be questioned were drunk at the time of the survey.

One Fargo resident involved in the survey was Curby Feelers who said: “Just because I’m drunk, don’t mean I’m stupid.” Curby then proceeded to walk into a large tree that jumped out in front of him.

All of the other cities and towns on the National Drunk List were considered amateur compared to Fargo. The survey said: “When it comes to getting and staying the drunkest, Fargo is in the professional category.”

Now, let’s all fill our mugs, and toast to Fargo! The most bad-ass drunkest city in the United States of Beermerica!