Tag Archives: moorhead

Moorhead Couple Caught With 800 Pounds Of Qiameth Worth An Estimated $2.4 Billion

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Qiameth is a thousand times more powerful than meth, keeping users up for months instead of days.

Moorhead, MN – Police in the quirky town of Moorhead were very surprised to find 800 pounds of Qiameth in the trunk of a car that they found parked at a stop sign.

The Qiameth, which is known to be 1,000 times more powerful than regular meth, has an estimated street value of $2.4 Billion.

The driver and passenger, who both looked like zombies because they had not slept in months, admittedly said they thought it was OK to park at the stop sign but swore they did not have a clue as to how the $2.4 Billion worth of Qiameth got into their trunk, along with some used meth pipes and coloring books.

Moorhead police are calling this the largest drug bust in our nation’s history and are asking citizens to report any unusual behavior to the new hotline: 1-800-QIAMETH.

Moorhead Names Itself The Most Scenic City In The Moorhead Area

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One of the many scenic viewscapes in and around the lesser Moorhead area.

Moorhead, MN – The city that was originally named after Captain Ralph Moorhead (who opened Ralph’s Corner Bar which Moorhead subsequently tore down) is proud to announce that it has named itself the most scenic city in the Moorhead area.

Some of the fascinating viewscapes in Moorhead almost take your breath away as if you’ve just had a sudden scare by re-watching the Blair Witch Project.

In fact, the Blair Witch Project is planning on using Moorhead as a backdrop for an upcoming Blair Witch sequel in which the entire population of Moorhead gradually disappears one by one as the city grows chronically dark.

Moorhead Hoarder Finds Dead Husband Buried Under Tons Of Junk

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I thought maby my husband had left me until I found him buried underneath some piles of things I wanted to hold on to for awhile.

Moorhead, MN – The Department of Health and Human Services is reporting that a woman who wishes to remain anonymous recently found her deceased husband under some of her belongings.

Agnes Elhart of 1313 Hoarder Drive in Moorhead now wonders “why would Clarence have been crawling around underneath my newspaper collection?”

Agnes further ponders: “Maby he was trying to hide from me after that one argument we had about what items to perhaps purge?”

A hoarder specialist working the case sadly wrote: “It is more likely that some of the mountainous pile of endless crap fell on the poor guy and ol’ Clarence was buried alive, until he wasn’t.”

Man Hit By Train In Stable Condition While Recovering At The Morgue

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Even tho you’re on the right track, you may be going the wrong direction. –Bob Dylan

Moorhead, MN – Police report that a man was hit by a train in Moorhead early this morning.

Officer Tarin Starck believes that 1. either the man did not know where he was walking, or 2. he knew but did not know a train was coming, or 3. he knew but thought he could jump out of the way, or 4. he for some reason could not jump from the tracks at the last minute, or 5. he had no plans to jump out of the way in the first place.

Luckily the man who was hit by a train in Moorhead is reported to be in stable condition while recovering nicely at the county morgue.

Ironically, all the letters in Tarin Starck can be re-arranged to spell: Train Tracks!

Moorhead Couple Spends Valentine’s Evening Together In Jail After Being Arrested For Disrespecting An Officer

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Jail runs out of cupcakes on Valentine’s Day.

Moorhead, MN – Trelga and Nevron Broomstad simply wanted to go eat out at one of Moorhead’s finer restaurants on Valentine’s Day and then perhaps head back home to snuggle and maybe watch some reruns of reruns on television.

Unfortunately, on their way home, the Broomstads got pulled over by a Moorhead police officer for having a Trump/Pence bumper sticker on the back of their vehicle.

The two were quickly handcuffed and driven off in the back of an unmarked police van to spend the long night in jail for disrespecting an officer.

Their bumper-stickered car was impounded and trash-compacted into a dense cubic foot of scrap metal and then loaded onto a ship headed to China.

While sitting in separate jail cells, Trelga and Nevron Broomstad were each to be given a Valentine’s Day cupcake along with all the other inmates but there were not quite enough to go around so the two were left with no Valentine’s Day cupcakes but they were allowed to watch some reruns of reruns on the television.

Moral of the story: Select your bumper stickers wisely.

Glyndon MN Considering Covering Entire Town With A Clear Dome

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This will be how Glyndon, MN will soon look if Jesper Søndergaard has anything to say about it.

Glyndon, MN – The quaint town of Glyndon which is often merely thought of as a suburb of Dilworth will possibly soon be covered with a good-sized clear plastic dome thus making it one of the largest greenhouses in the world.

This most interesting idea is the brainchild of Jesper Søndergaard, a Glyndon resident, who has real experience with this type of concept as he has actually done it in the South Swedish highlands (Sydsvenska höglandet) of his home country of Sweden.

Jesper såger: “Yah, I think after Glyndon gets used to being covered by a dome like we did over in Sweden there, people hier will really start to see the benefits of it. Climate change will basically be totally negated, not to mention no more blizzards, even tho I just did.”

In Swedish, the word for a dome is en kupol. To cover something is omslag, and stad is obviously their word for town. So, putting it all together now: Jesper Søndergaard would like to omslag the stad of Glyndon with en kupol!

There will be an informational townhall meeting on this impotent subject where citizens of the quaint town of Glyndon can learn more and ask questions.

Mr. Søndergaard wants folks to know that “Det finns något sådant som en kupol fråga”, which roughly translates into: “There’s no such thing as a dome question!”

Prince Look-A-Like Also Loves Purple

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Piercey Asplin admits that he does look a lot like the recently departed Prince.

Moorhead, MN – He looks almost exactly like Prince but his name is Piercey Asplin, who is still living, and does so in the quirky town of Moorhead.

“I get people coming up to me all the time asking me for an autograph and then suddenly wondering if I didn’t recently pass away,” says Moorhead’s Piercey Asplin.

Piercey says he has always loved the color purple and has a number of favorite things to wear that are paisley.

“Even though I supposedly look a lot like Prince, I was actually not that familiar with his music until last year,” admits the Prince look-a-like.

When we asked Mr. Asplin what he writes when people request his autograph, he explains: “I sign my real name, Piercey, but I’ve learned how to make it look like it says Prince.”

Ironically, all of the letters in Piercey Asplin can be rearranged to spell: Paisley Prince.

BigFoot Spotted Wandering Around Just Outside Of Moorhead

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This incredible image of BigFoot was recently snapped by an amateur photographer just outside of Moorhead.

This incredible image of BigFoot was recently snapped by an amateur photographer named Darko Revkian just outside the quirky town of Moorhead, Minisoda.

Moorhead, MN – One of our trained spotters who was out doing some bird watching recently got what is believed to be the best picture ever of The BigFoot.

Darko Revkian and his camera were in search of a pileated woodpecker’s nest when he noticed a large creature walking towards an outhouse.

Darko: “All my photography training immediately kicked in and I somehow took a perfect picture of what now is believed to be the actual BigFoot.”

BigFoot experts think that the beast might be en route to Canada in the wake of Donald Trump’s successful bid for the White House.

In the meantime, Moorhead authorities are telling residents to shelter in place until the “All Clear” notification is given that The BigFoot is no longer wandering around the area.

Husband Living In Doghouse Learns To Do Tricks For Treats

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Moorhead man banished to doghouse earns treats for learning some basic tricks.

Moorhead man banished to doghouse for being so negative earns treats for learning some basic tricks.

Moorhead, MN – After multiple misbehavings, Mr. Rolph Barker was banished to the doghouse by his wife.

Since then, and after being on a short leash for long enough, Rolph has started to show positive signs of improvement says Mrs. Barker.

“By using a strict system of threats and bribes, Rolphy seems to be learning what he can and cannot do. Also, he used to always be so negative, but we are quite positive that his behavior is starting to change for the better.”

An anonymous neighbor who’s been curiously observing the whole process, says that Connie Barker, a professional dog trainer, has been rewarding Rolph with treats such as beef shtix and beef jerky for learning to do tricks and odd-jobs on her honey-do list.

Every so often Connie will take her husband to play with some of the other husbands-in-training at the neighborhood dog park.

If you have a similar success story, please contact your local dog pound to share what’s been working for you.

Boy Gets Suspended From Skool For Saying ‘Shih Tzu’

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If it walks like a Shih Tzu and barks like a Shih Tzu, it’s probably safer to call it a Chinese Lion Dog.

Moorhead, MN – The day did not go the way young Raven Tufano was expecting. After doing his normal early morning routine which included taking his dog for a walk, he then headed off to school.

The teacher asked Raven’s class what different kinds of dogs they could think of. She started off by mentioning a German Shepherd since her husband was a police officer.

Raven raised his hand and said his dog named Skipper was a Shih Tzu.

After the class stopped laughing, the teacher asked “What did you say, young man?!” Raven repeated the fact that their dog was a Shih Tzu.

The next thing Raven knew was he was sitting in the principal’s office who was calling the boy’s parents discussing a possible one week suspension from school for swearing and class disruption.

Lesson to be learned: When in proper company, refer to a Shih Tzu as either a Chrysanthemum Dog or a Chinese Lion Dog.

Moral of the story: There’s a difference between being honest and being tactful.