Tag Archives: president trump

To Show Respect, They’re Leaving Barbara Bush On The One Dollar Bill

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First Lady Barbara Bush will happily remain on the one dollar bill until further notice.

Washington, DC – Out of respect for former First Lady Barbara Bush, the Treasury Department has instructed the Federal Reserve to keep her picture on the one dollar bill, as it has been for decades.

As sitting Treasury Secretary, Steven Mnuchin believes we need to stand up and keep honoring former First Lady Barbara Bush by leaving her picture on the dollar bill where she has gracefully been since the Reagan administration.

President Trump, who might have had something to do with this decision, agrees that leaving Barbara Bush on the dollar bill is the right thing to do, while adding: “Someday soon, I would like to see Melania on some of our money, and I think most would agree that would be a really great thing!”

Full Disclosure: Sean Hannity And Michael Cohen Are Brothers From Another Mother

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DNA proves Sean Hannity and Michael Cohen are half brothers from different mothers.

New York, NY – Thanks to porn star Stormy Daniels, we have now found out that Sean Hannity and Michael Cohen are brothers from another mother.

According to DNA evidence, both men had the same father but each was from a different mother.

Sean Hannity’s maternal DNA points to Margaret Thatcher whilst Michael Cohen’s mother most likely is Janet Reno.

Both women had secret affairs with William F. Buckley Jr. who is then by default believed to be the father of both men.

According to our legal team, since Sean Hannity and Michael Cohen are half brothers, their conversational communications should then have been protected by the brother-brother family privacy privilege, and therefore not admissable in a court of law, so help them God.

Court Artist Accused Of Drawing-Under-The-Influence At Cohen/Daniels Court Hearing

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Most agree that this court artist must’ve been under the influence of drugs, but you can draw your own conclusions.

New York, NY – The artist chosen to do sketches at the Stormy Daniels/Michael Cohen court hearing has been accused of DUI (Drawing Under The Influence).

Just as many famous artists have successfully used drugs to embellish or enhance their work, federal court artists are not supposed to share that same luxury.

The artist in question is named Audi Ritts, who normally produces decently recognizable sketches.

But when Judge Kimba Wood asked Mr. Ritts to try and draw a straight line, it was obvious that Audi had been perhaps using the pot, or something of that nature.

In light of this stunning development, the Judge declared a misdrawing, and therefore, the hearing will have to be re-sketched.

Interestingly, all of the letters in Audi Ritts can be redrawn to spell: DUI Artist!

The New Rage Is Having A Purse Puppy

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To be cool, you need a Purse Puppy!

Pursglove, WV – Fashion trenders are strongly pointing to Purse Puppies as the latest in the super hip new thing for 2018.

“If you want to be cutting-edge cool this year, you definitely need a Purse Puppy!” says Manon Gadbois of Trend Magazine.

Fact #1: Everyone agrees that the person walking through the airport with a Purse Puppy is who everyone is looking at.

Fact #2: No one disagrees that the coolest thing in the world is having a Puppy in your Purse.

Warning: 2018 is the year of the Purse Puppy, so you better Puppy Up, or be square with a non-puppied purse.

CNN’s Anderson Pooper Gets South Park Award For Swearing 81 Times In One Hour

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While the moon is waxing and waning, it is never complaining. –Anthony Weiner

Cooper, TX – History was made last night when Anderson Pooper swore 81 times on an hour long prime-time show.

After Anderson decided to say “shit-hole” once, the dam had been broken, and it and variations of it were said another eighty times during his show AC360.

“Yes, it was all in response to what President Trump said earlier in the day, but that was supposedly in the privacy of the President’s White House,” says Dr. Seth Hilo, who is very smart.

Dr. Seth Hilo goes on: “What Anderson Pooper and his guests were saying was on televisions in every airport and family dining room across America.”

As for President Trump, the White House has issued this official correction: “What the President meant to say was that Haiti and all of Africa are not shit-holes, like where Oprah lives in California.”

Ironically, all of the letters in Seth Hilo can be re-arranged to spell…

Jeff Sessions Voted Most Out-Of-Touch Person In America

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Jeff Sessions: Out of touch.

Denver, CO – Attorney General Jeff Sessions has just been voted the Most Out-Of-Touch Person in the USA by the Common Sense Club.

By his recent decision to rescind the James Cole Memo, AG Sessions is basically telling U.S. attorneys to go after marijuana outlets that are complying with their state regulations rather than solely focusing on drug cartels and cross-border trafficking.

With 29 states and the District of Columbia now allowing medical or recreational use of marijuana, not only does this backward lurch go against the will of the people, but it also contradicts President Trump’s personal thoughts on this matter.

In a television interview on July 29, 2016 with KUSA-TV in Colorado, Trump said: “I wouldn’t do that [using federal authority to shut down recreational marijuana], no. I wouldn’t do that. I think it’s up to the states, yeah. I’m a states person. I think it should be up to the states, absolutely.”

In a radio interview with WWJ News Radio 950 in Michigan on March 8, 2016, Trump said “I think it certainly has to be a state decision. I do like it, you know, from a medical standpoint. It does do pretty good things. But from the other standpoint, I think that it should be up to the states.”

At a campaign rally in Sparks, Nevada on Oct. 29, 2015, Trump said: “The marijuana thing is such a big thing. I think medical should happen, right? Don’t we agree? I think so. And then I really believe we should leave it up to the states. It should be a state situation, but I believe that the legalization of marijuana, other than for medical because I think medical, you know I know people that are very, very sick and for whatever reason the marijuana really helps them, but in terms of marijuana and legalization, I think that should be a state issue, state-by-state.”

Maybe President Trump should explain to Attorney General Jeff Sessions that this should be a state-by-state decision and that the Federal Government should be hands off on the marijuana issue.

Maybe Attorney General Jeff Sessions should recuse himself, pack his bags, go back to Alabama, and spend the rest of his days playing golf with the not-so-honorable Roy Moore.

President Expected To Swear More After Study Shows Profanity Is Sign Of Honesty

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I shit you not! That bitch Hillary is the one who was fucking colluding with the goddamn Russians!

Washington, DC – President Trump, in an effort to quickly increase how honest he is perceived, will not only start swearing more in his public comments and tweets, but will also encourage his entire fucking Cabinet to all start using a lot more profanity in their day to day work lives.

The President is also going to have his whole family practice swearing by playing the amazing game called Add-On Swear Word which was first introduced on the FM Observer award-winning website.

“To create a more honest country, I strongly fucking urge all Americans to swear more by playing FMO’s Add-On Swear Word game on a daily basis.”

Barron Trump, the President’s youngest son, was overheard in the White House saying: “I love this shit. This is going to be fucking great!”

Top Ten Questions To Ask Family, In-Laws, and Relatives During Christmas

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To make church signs like this, use the link at the bottom of this post.

West Fargo, ND – During your family getogethers with in-laws, relatives, and other extended family members, it is not only a good time to share handshakes and hugs in order to pass your cold and flu germs on to others, but it is also a perfect opportunity to throw out a few key questions to your Christmas group in order to check the general Zeitgeist of where everyone’s at regarding some of the current issues from the past few months.

Even tho your FM Observers are busy, out doing some last minute shopping at Happy Harry, we’ve taken the time to compile an easy-to-use list of questions to randomly throw out during times when the Christmastime conversations may hit a lull.

Top Ten Questions To Ask During Christmas:

10. What’s the latest on the Russian Collusion?
9. How many My Pillows do you have?
8. Have you ever heard of the FM Observer?
7. Are you for Global Warming or Global Cooling?
6. Whatever happened to Anthony’s Weiner?
5. How do you feel about the Red River Diversion project?
4. Do you think Carson Wentz will marry Cara Mund?
3. Did you hear who’s the latest guy accused of groping?
2. Can I have your pudding?
1. Isn’t President Trump doing a great job?!

Church Sign Generator

Winter Holiday Greetings From Your FM Observer

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For all you Protestants, protest signs like this can be made at Acme dot com slash Chumaker

Southern North Pole – Since saying Merry Christmas is possibly offensive to some, we here at the FM Observer Headquarters want to wish all our faithful readers very warm Winter Holiday greetings, to hopefully help counteract the recent Global Cooling which seems to have overtaken our area thanks to carbon-taxing Algore.

The FM Observer was boldly begun about six years ago by co-founders Cody and Nick, who simply wanted to provide an alternative to all the bad, real news. Cody is sadly no longer with us. Nick is related to Jolly Old St. Nick, who happens to be our Nick’s God-Santa.

After six long years of being at the vanguard of exclusively satirical fake news, we have unfortunately (for some) decided to renew our contract for another six years.

So, for any folks who wished we would just go away like Al Franken is from the Senate…no, we are here to stay – just like Robert Mueller’s never-ending special investigation into possible collusion with the Russians.

Acme.com/Chumaker

Cigar-Shaped Alien Spacecraft Actually A Large French Bread Heading For Fargo

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Mr. Hankey believes this is indeed an alien spacecraft based on the fact that it actually has functional headlights.

Oumuamua, Hawaii – The FM Observer is proudly excited to exclusively report that we have just received confirmation from Mr. Hankey that the large meteor which is on a collision course with Fargo, North Dakota is actually an alien spacecraft disguised as a giant French bread even though CNN has been referring to it as one of Bill Clinton’s wayward cigars.

Mr. Hankey in his own words: “By using special equipment at our FM Observatory on Hawaii, we have noticed that the alien French bread not only has headlights, but they are actually turned on, and aiming directly at Fargo, North Dakota.”

“Not only that, but we have also picked up radio waves from this French bread which seem to be continually broadcasting Rush Limbaugh’s theme song, intermittently interrupted with a high-pitched voice asking for a secret meeting with Donald Trump and his son-in-law.”

Because of this new revelation, special counsel Robert Mueller now believes President Trump (with some assistance from Stephen Hawking) has been colluding with aliens, which are seemingly on a collision course with Fargo, North Dakota, whilst travelling at the speed of bread inside a large French-made spacecraft waiting to be lit like a Clintonian cigar.