Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

Center For Disease Control Bans The Handshake

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Experts say that shaking hands could be an early sign of Parkinson’s Disease.

Shakespeare, Alabama – In the midst of mucho bad news during the last year about the spread of diseases, the customary handshake is in danger of extinction.

Governmental scientists armed with the latest governmental research claim that this barbaric germ-spreading maneuver is no longer worth the risk.

One governmental statistic shows that 98.5% of people who die have engaged in using the handshake as a method of greeting and agreeing during their lifetime.

One expert on the subject of handshakes is Robert McCloskey who said: “I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

Federal bureaucrats from the Center for Disease Control are gearing up to begin enforcing a ban on handshakes after the Obamadministration uses another Executive Action to outlaw the archaic practice.

As a helpful public service, the FM Observer has come up with a list of alternative methods of greeting friends and strangers.

Top Ten Alternatives to the Handshake:
10. Standard Hand Wave
9. Thumbs Up
8. A Wink
7. Fist Bumps
6. Rubbing Elbows
5. Curtsy
4. Chest Bump
3. Cheek Rub
2. Bowing
1. French Kiss

Yellowstone Park To Soon Blow Its Top

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Sitting on a powder keg and giving off sparks!

Yellowstone Lake, Wyoming – We think of Yellowstone National Park as 3,500 square miles of family fun and adventure.

With all its amazing canyons, rivers, forests, and hot springs, it’s a favorite destination for many group outings.

Besides seeing Old Faithful, you will often encounter antelope, bears, bison, elk, moose, and wolves.

Unfortunately, this wilderness recreation area sits on top of a gigantic volcanic hot spot that’s about to explode.

New scientific imaging techniques show that underneath Yellowstone is a newly-formed, deeper magma reservoir of molten rock miles beneath the Yellowstone Supervolcano. This recent discovery is four (4) times larger than the shallower, previously-known magma chamber.

It is calculated that if the Yellowstone Supervolcano erupts, the power of the blast could send its animal residents flying to the moon…and beyond.

Respected magmalogist Dr. Umoto Hishomataka believes “When this Yellowstone Supervolcano decides to blow, it will make Hiroshima look like buttered popcorn.”

The Federal Government, with its infinite wisdom, is proactively trying to save all of these beautiful animals by setting up an Emergency Animal Adoption Program.

If you would like to adopt an antelope, a bear, a bison, an elk, a moose, or a wolf, please contact your Senator or Representative and indicate your preference(s).

If we all care a little bit, we can collectively care a lot.

Wear a yellow ribbon to show you care more than your neighbor.

If anyone asks what the yellow ribbon is for, ask them if they were born yesterday.

MN Pond Scum Being Sold As Organic Herbal Muck

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Miraculous Medicinal Muck

Somewhere, Minnesota – A group of resourceful environmental herbologists with a special knack for marketing organic health products will soon be selling pond scum (Pondis Scumius Major) carefully gathered from certain hard-to-reach Minnesota pond areas.

Packaged as Organic Medicinal Muck (OMM), this amazing herbal pond scum has been shown by OMM-certified scientists to possibly have some sort of effect on people who suffer from a wide spectrum of diseases, including: •Amebiasis •Brucellosis •Coxsackie Virus •Dengue Fever •Ehrlichiosis •Fifth Disease •Glanders •Histoplasmosis •Impetigo •Jejunal Atresia •Kawasaki Syndrome •Listeriosis •Monkeypox •Nongonococcal Urethritis •Osteoporosis •Psittacosis •Q Fever •Ringworm •Shigellosis •Tularemia •Urticaria Pigmentosa •Vancomycin Resistant Enterococcus •West Nile Virus •Xerophthalmia •Yersiniosis and •Zoonoses.

Organic Medicinal Muck will be available in many different user-friendly forms: •Raw (straight from the pond) •Dehydrated •Ointment •Salve •Pill •Capsule •Gelcaps •Extract Concentrate •Soap •Tea •Burgers •Cake •Shake •Snortable Powder (only available in some states) •Injectable Medicine •Facial Cream •Doggie Biscuits •Cleaning Pads and as •Acrylic Paints.

If you are a motivated self-starter who would like to sell Organic Medicinal Muck door-to-door, please apply in person at any of the OMM branch offices.

Company president Dr. Paplo Poinbank says: “These products practically sell themselves, plus OMM can also be used as a mantra for your next relaxation meditation.”

Baltimore Mayor A Paragon Of Political Pragmatism

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Cool. Calm. Collected.

Grace Under Fire

Baltimore, Maryland – The mayor of Baltimore will soon be given the Grace-Under-Fire Award by the National Association Of Mayors Institution (NAOMI).

While Baltimore has been given the space and time to be pillaged, looted, and burned, Balitmore Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake through it all appeared as calm as the ocean in the eye of a hurricance.

Not only does her general demeanor exude peace and tranquility, but her fashionable hair style is exemplary. “She is everything a mayor should be, and more”, said DC Mayor Muriel Bowser, who noted that Vanity Fair recently included Rawlings-Blake in its list of the Top Ten Best-Dressed Mayors.

Besides being an attorney and mayor, Stephanie Rawlings-Blake also uses her talents as Secretary of the Democratic National Committee, the perfect springboard for seeking higher public office.

Stephanie Rawlings-Blake stated that her goal as mayor was to grow Baltimore by 10,000 families after she took over as mayor in 2010 in the wake of former Mayor Sheila Dixon resigning following her conviction for embezzling gift cards intended for the city’s poor.

With Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake at the helm, the city of Baltimore is in good hands. She seems to be proactively on top of everything as would be expected of an effective mayor of a large city. She also does it all with the style and grace of First Lady Michelle Obama.

National Weatherman Walk-Out Threatens Nation

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Zer0% Chance Of Weather

Weatherly, Pennsylvania – Our nation now faces the threat of having no weather forecasting for the foreseeable future thanks to Meteorologist Union Of Brotherhood Workers #2127, who is threatening a strike at midnight Honolulu Time.

Just imagine turning on your local news and instead of seeing your usual weather forecasting, all you got was five minutes of a test pattern.

Sheila Quark barks: “I hate all those fu©kers.”

Charlie O’Jama grooves: “Hey now, what’s goin’ on??”

Do your due diligence and purchase an Emergency Weather Broadcast System for up-to-date weather information for your family and your home, compliments of Out Insurance, where: “We Care More About You, Than You Do!”

New Family Restaurant Offers All-You-Can-Eat Pancakes

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Eat more than 20 pancakes and your breakfast is FREE!

Fargo, ND – If you’re super hungry for a great breakfast, go to Hotcakes!

The newest family restaurant in the FM area specializes in breakfast – all day long.

At ridiculously reasonable prices, they offer large glasses of fresh-squeezed Florida orange juice, 100% organic country pork sausage, just-laid eggs from healthy chickens, all-you-can-eat light & fluffy buttermilk pancakes, and maple syrup just tapped from a tree and flown in from Vermont by drones.

As a special offer, if you can eat more than 20 pancakes, your entire breakfast is FREE!

If you can eat more than 30 pancakes, you’re invited to sign up for fabulous monthly prizes which include: Ca$H, a new golf cart, a trip to Grand Forks, and a baby elephant named Dumbo.

If you’re looking for the best breakfast in town and you’re hungry enough to eat a horse, go to Hotcakes!

Wedding Tax Obama Administration’s Next Executive Action

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New 10% Wedding Tax retroactive back to June 2012

Washington, DC – With the busy wedding season almost here and the government running out of new ways to tax the American public, the White House has announced a new executive action to be effective immediately.

A 10% wedding tax will be imposed on the total cost of all weddings.

Newly-married couples will need to provide a detailed itemized listing of all wedding expenses on a new IRS tax form along with notarized copies of all receipts. Failure to do so may result in jail time.

This new wedding tax shall be retroactive back to June 1, 2012.

Illegal aliens and same-sex marriages will temporarily be exempted from the wedding tax due to the upcoming presidential election.

Other possible future executive actions might include a honeymoon tax and a divorce tax depending on whether or not the government decides it needs to waste more of your hard-earned money.

New Business Called “Janitors On Steroids” Coming To Fargo-Moorhead Area

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If you call now, instead of just one Janitor, we’ll send you two “Janitors On Steroids”!

Fargo, ND – With the ever-growing economy in the FM area, the need for excellent janitorial services grows with it. The FM Observer is proud to announce that we have personally invited a new business called “Janitors On Steroids” to soon move into our area.

Local businesses and homes in needs of “the best janitorial services on the planet” will soon be able to call “Janitors On Steroids” to sign up for a variety of assistance plans, including: Basic Window Washing, A-to-Z Kitchen Cleaning, or the famous Full House Top-to-Bottom Package.

What are some happy customers saying about “Janitors On Steroids”?

Emily Duckens admits: “These guys are good. Fast, friendly, and thorough!”

Wanda Psychs tweeted: “OMG! As soon as they’re done cleaning, I want them back again.”

Krystal Balle says: “Each one can lift a ton!”

For the first 100 customers to sign up for “Janitors On Steroids”, you will be put into a drawing for free janitorial services, a life-time supply of cleaning products, and a special Grand Prize Safari Adventure to Zambia.

Disclaimer: “Janitors On Steroids” is not responsible for any damage to your dwelling or personal property while frantically cleaning your home at top speed. “Janitors On Steroids” may from time to time feel the need to drink beer and administer steroids to maintain top level job performance. “Janitors On Steroids” is not in any way affiliated with the FM Observer except for the fact that we all hang out together and work for the same parent company.

Moorhead Starting A Community Bongo Band

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Join the Moorhead Outdoor Bongo Band (or MOBB)

Moorhead, MN – The progressive city of Moorhead, Minisoda is seeking members for its new Moorhead Outdoor Bongo Band (MOBB).

The idea came from Moorhead resident Dr. Billy Bongo who teaches Advanced Bongo at M-State University.

Dr. Bongo says: “I envision the Bongo Band playing at all the important city functions and perhaps even travelling to other area communities which sadly may not have their own Bongo Band.”

For anyone thinking of joining Moorhead’s Outdoor Bongo Band, the initial song list will include: Rhythm Nation, Bongo In The Congo, Endless Jam, and The Beat Goes On.

Try-outs and sign-up for the MOBB will be at any and all of the upcoming Moorhead city commission meetings.

If you don’t have your own bongos or congas, you can make then out of empty oatmeal canisters or google the internet for ideas on how to make your own drums.

Besides having your own instrument to play, Bongo Band members need only be able to keep a steady beat and count to four. Dressing in colorful clothing would be a plus!

Large Comet To Hit Downtown Fargo Next Year

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Comet X-51 heading toward downtown Fargo but may hit Dilworth if there’s a strong West wind.

Fargo, ND – City officials are trying to not start a panic while announcing that a large comet may hit downtown Fargo sometime next year.

The comet is named X-51 and is believed to be from the Taurus constellation.

Cometologists have determined that its size is roughly equal to two Fargodomes.

Tim Stellars from the National Comet Observation Bureau says: “If you added another upside-down Fargodome to the bottom of the actual Fargodome, that is about the size and shape of Comet X-51, which is headed straight for downtown Fargo.”

Fortunately, NCOB has calculated that the chance of a direct hit on downtown Fargo is less than 100% but unfortunately have put it at about 80-90%, give or take 5%, after dropping the decimal point.

City officials are discussing the problem and also the possible huge increase in binge drinking due to this “unsettling news”.

We will continue to monitor this developing situation and provide updates on a Need-To-Know basis.