Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

Downtown Fargo Parking Sucks: No Plans To Fix

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"Part of the allure of coming to downtown Fargo is the parking problem."

“Part of the allure of coming to downtown Fargo is the parking problem.”

Fargo, ND – It is not a big secret that the parking situation in downtown Fargo is a problem. Just try meeting someone for lunch downtown and driving around attempting to find a suitable place to park that’s relatively close to your destination. “Sorry I’m late. Couldn’t find a place to park!”

What might be a surprise to most is that there are no plans to solve the problem.

City Planner Merv Schlekler opines: “It’s been this way for so long that people have gotten used to it. Even going way back to when Fargo was called Centralia, parking your car or your horse was never easy.”

Many ideas have been brainstormed as to how Fargo City Officials could perhaps solve the problem, but one by one, they have all ended up in the circular file.

The parking “problem” in Downtown Fargo is here to stay, and is being downgraded to an “irritation”. This way, those little golf cart cops can continue blocking the roads while ticketing as many vehicles as possible to provide Fargo an endless stream of cash flow, all by design.

Minnesota Tells Residents To Stick It To Fargo

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Minnesota State Fair to serve Fargo-On-A-Stick!

Fergus Falls, MN – Apparently not everyone in Minnesota loves Fargo as much as Fargo does.

Emotions seem to be running quite high after a Minnesota County Board made and seconded a motion to “Stick It To Fargo”.

All this comes at a major watershed moment for the rocky Minn-Kota relationship, which has seen some growing turbidity lately due to the controversial $1.8 billion Red River Diversion Project.

Minnesota’s hostile new campaign to “Stick It To Fargo” will unfortunately only muddy the waters and make matters worse, while Fargo considers its own reciprocal “Stick It To Minnesota” offensive.

Renters Complaining About Clogged Plumbing Get Told By Landlord To Go Screw Themselves

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Who you going to call? ClogBusters!

Who you going to call? ClogBusters!

Moorhead, MN – When renters Norm and Nikki Waite politely mentioned to their landlord that their sinks and toilets were all backed up, the responses they got were not what they expected.

Their landlord’s first response was to ask if they’d ever heard of a plunger?

After saying they’d tried that and it actually had made things worse, their landlord, Mr. Omar Assfaha, told them to “go buy a screwdriver and screw themselves” if they wanted the problem fixed so badly.

Rather than moving out, the Waites have decided to not pay rent until their problems have been fixed.

Until that happens, they’ve had a Potty Shack® portable toilet placed in their living room.

If you are having a similar such problem, please contact Ms. Shirley Wiggins, Director of our Class Action Lawsuit Department to discuss your options.

Oceans Rising Faster Than Predicted: Millions Moving To North Dakota

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Icebergs continually washing up on beaches making surfing a real challenge.

Icebergs continually washing up on beaches making surfing a real challenge.

Cape Cod, MA – As Global Warming continues to melt the polar ice caps down to nothing, the oceans are rising faster than originally expected.

Dr. Alice Melton, who is the top scientist with Make Earth Less Troubled (MELT) says: “We are seeing the oceans rise a foot per year which is twelve times faster than we predicted a month ago.”

Dr. Melton believes that at this current rate of rise, all of the states on the East and West coasts of the United States will be at least three feet under water by this time next year.

All these people are moving to North Dakota!

All these people are moving to North Dakota!

“Not only are all the polar bears swimming around with no place to sleep, but millions of coastal Americans will be floating in salt water if they don’t quickly up and move to North Dakota,” she panics.

The North Dakota Director of Tourism, Archie Doorbell, responded this way: “Well ya, sure, you betcha! Don’t cha know we gots lots of land up here in these parts! But a million people? I’m thinkin’ that sounds like an awful lot? We’ll just have to see about that, then, there!”

FMO Restaurant Review: Grand Porks

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This little piggy went to market.

Fargo, ND – Today we are reviewing a restaurant called Grand Porks. Porks is new to the Fargo area but, not surprisingly, originated in Grand Forks. Since we were both quite hungry, Nick and I decided to review this restaurant together. In order to not be recognized when we walked in, we chose to wear trench coats and aviator sunglasses for the duration of our visit.

John: After pulling into the parking lot of the Grand Porks restaurant, we parked with no problem, but valet parking would have been nice. We walked in separately so as to not cause suspicion that we were two people from a satirical news agency there to do a restaurant review. I asked for a booth in the back of the restaurant and Nick then cleverly asked for a table near the front.

Nick: Upon entering the establishment, we were immediately accosted by a gigantic man dressed in an inflatable pig costume. He blurted out through his bubbly pig helmet “Welcome to Grand Porks, thanks for PIGGING OUT with us!!” then handed us each a 10% off coupon. We were both taken aback by this but there was no time to react as we were being hastily ushered to our respective tables by the hostess. This experience was equal parts troubling and panic-inducing. ★★✩✩✩

John: En route to my back corner booth, I noticed an odd sign on the restroom door: “UniSex Bathroom. One Size Fits All.” In general, this restaurant seemed friendly, dark, and warm, which could have been because I was wearing sunglasses and a trench coat. As I sat down, the hostess handed me an attractive menu showing mostly pictures and prices. While she was filling my water glass, I asked for an appetizer recommendation to which she replied: “Why don’t you try the tickled pork belly nuggets-on-a-stick served with our famous porky jerk sauce?”, to which I replied: “Yes! Why don’t I?!”

Nick:  My waitress was an attentive 20-something from Granville, ND. A marketing major at NDSU. Although young, I could instantly tell she possessed a lifetime of experience. How did I make this conclusion so early on? Well, my first test for Grand Porks was to order a double-tall whiskey coke, no ice, no coke followed by the statement “I’ve had a rough day–time to get completely shitblasted!” just to see the server’s reaction. She handled my request with style and grace and without question. This is how I knew my dining experience would likely turn out to be a positive one. ★★★★★

John: My appetizer arrived as expected, and I attentively consumed it. T’was quite good. I ordered a different appetizer, and ate that too – also not bad. Then I ordered three random dinner entrees, since I was basically eating “for free”. They arrived. I ate them all. “What’s for dessert, I asked?” She replied: “How about a pork pound cake?” I ate that too. This is when I began watching the UniSex restroom door, for when there might be an upcoming vacancy, just in case anything I’d recently eaten didn’t fully agree with me, which it didn’t.

Nick: The dinner menu was, itself, a sight to behold. Who knew there could be such a plethora of pork permutations? I took the liberty of jotting down a few of my entrees:

  • Pork Tornado– An 8-inch fried corn tortilla shaped like a funnel, filled to the brim with carnitas, ham slop and bacon bits.
  • The Mighty Hambone– A completely un-butchered pig spine beer-battered with a 16-month old case of Michelob AmberBock®, then deep-fried.
  • Frizzle Fry Head Cheese– Head cheese as only Grand Porks can prepare it! Lightly tossed head marinated in a vegetable oil/olive oil/motor oil conglomeration, then broiled in a below-ground smoker amidst periodic sprinkles of hog sweat. Served with a side of aus jus.

Primus-Frizzle_FryI made no hesitation in ordering the Frizzle Fry, among many other entrees. It came, as requested, eyeballs intact and with visible canine incisors. It was an absolute delight. ★★★★★

John: I was feeling happily full to the gills, barely able to move toward the UniSex bathroom. While laying back in my rear corner booth, I could see Nick up front, obviously quite pork-drunk, sitting at a table near the entrance. He was trying to reach out and grab anyone who walked within six feet of his pork-covered table. It was at this moment that I knew this restaurant was a winner. During the last two hours, it had passed every test we threw at it. On a scale of 1-5, I’d have to give it 5 Pigs, which is what I told my server just before I started trying to explain to her that my meal was to be free because we were writing a serious restaurant review for a very prestigious local satirical fake news website.

Nick: Final numbers for our trip to Grand Porks:

Entrees devoured: 8.75

Double-tall drinks imbibed: 7.5

Hours spent: 4.25

Trips to the UniSex: 16

Verbal reprimands from Porks staff: 4

Dollars spent: $197

Likelihood of return: 9.4

Overall rating: ★★★★✩

The Times They Are A Changin’

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Time keeps on slippin' into the future.

Time keeps on slippin’ into the future.

Time Square, Washington – Are you one of the many who forgot to move your clocks ahead last night?

Tonya Jo Thornbird from Fargo admitted: “Because we forgot to change our clocks, we missed our flight at the airport, so we then decided to attend our normal church service but missed that too.”

Maybe you chose to not participate in this arbitrary time change just like those mavericks out in Hawaii?

Charlie John Fritters from Moorhead declared: “I don’t like being told what to do, and when to do it, expecially by the government!”

Most likely, your clocks are all changed because you’re on top of everything, since you’re well informed, because you read the FM Observer.

Robert Allen Zimmerman from Malibu, California: “The slow one now will later be fast, as the present now will later be past, for the times they are a-changin’.”

FMO Reporter Describes Seeing A Ghost

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If seeing is believing, the I do believe in ghosts.

If seeing is believing, then I do believe in ghosts.

Hauntown, Iowa – Gabrial Aimes here, reporting from Hauntown, Iowa, at the very sight, where I just saw a ghost.

Yes, with my very own eyes, I saw the ghost, first go into this house behind me here, and then, the ghost subsequently exited the same house, about two minutes later, apparently heading off to the grocery store.

I would describe the ghost as tall, about six foot two, a seemingly transparent white look to it, and it was acting unusually skiddish, relative to other ghosts I’ve observed over my long and stellar career.

Of course, we will stay on this Breaking News story, for all our interested FM Observers, and let you know as soon as we have more information on the ghost, that was seen only moments ago, exiting that haunted house, right over there. Gabriel Aimes, reporting live, from here in spooky Hauntown, Iowa. Back to you, Dick!

No One Leaves Alive From This Fargo Haunted House

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This mansion is the pictorial definition of “Haunted”.

Fargo, ND – It’s the place everyone knows about, but no one talks about. Fargo’s Minister Mansion, as it is called, is thee most haunted house between Moorhead, Minnesota and Missoula, Montana. If you don’t know where it is exactly, ask any long-time Fargo resident who believes in God, but fears the undead.

Some of what we do know: A Methodist minister once lived in the home, until he mysteriously died one night, along with his entire family, and all their pets. Since then, it seems that no one who’s actually entered this haunted house has come out, alive.

Based on well-placed police surveillance cameras, every Sunday night there seems to be a gathering of some sort, inside the mansion, just as the minister who lived there had for all his church members every Sunday night.

Minister Mansion will soon be the subject of a new upcoming investigative reality mini-series on the FX Channel in which they will attempt to probe the haunted mansion by using hi-tech robots and drones.

Red River Zoo Adding A Rat Farm!

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Everyone loves rats!

Fargo, ND – The Red River Zoo is very proud to announce that they will soon be adding a new Rat Farm to their growing list of fun animal displays.

Their new Rat Pack will feature a number of special rats brought in from different urban centers throughout the country.

If you’ve never seen a real rat, this will be a great opportunity to observe one close up and personal.

Bring your whole family to see rats doing what rats do.

And every Wednesday and Saturday come watch the amazing Rat Race: Pick your favorite rat, place your bets, and win!

Donate Your Junker To Cars For The Blind

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Donate your car to the blind and let them see how much fun driving can be!

Junks, Louisiana – Do you have an old junker car that you’d like to get rid of?

What if you could: 1. Donate your dentmobile to a good cause, 2. Get a tax “write-off“, and 3. Win a 3-night stay in a 2-star motel?

This is zactly what happens when you donate your old junker to Cars For The Blind.

Your generous gift will be randomly given to a real blind person who will finally have a car to drive to the grocery store, and maybe even to the Mall Of America!

Cars For The Blind is also lobbying to get braille added to all of the more important traffic signs.

Thank you in advance for your generous donation to this great cause!