Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

How To Prepare For The Coming Ebola Pandemic

Leave a reply
The best way of avoid getting the Ebola Virus is with self-imposed quarantine.

The best way to avoid getting the Ebola Virus is with isolation through a self-imposed quarantine.

Eboli, Italy – The World Health Organization and the Center for Disease Control are suggesting that now is the time to prepare for the next coming global pandemic from the Ebola Virus Disease.

Dr. Klaus Sphinxter says: “If you take ‘dem’ out of pandemic, you get panic.” These organizations do not want to start a panic situation, but are saying the time is now to prepare yourselves.

Here are some notes to help you survive the coming global Ebola pandemic and help you start preparing now for coming challenges during uncertain times ahead:

1. Have no direct social contact – if you do, avoid contact with bodily fluids of people infected with the Ebola Virus.

2. Get your Christmas shopping done early.

3. Stock up on all the basics like water, food, batteries, medical supplies, and nacho doritos.

4. At the stores, don’t mention why you’re doing a stock-up. The 1st rule of stocking up for the Ebola pandemic is: Do not tell anyone that you’re stocking up for the Ebola pandemic!

5. Consider buying some dehydrated water.

6. Have an in-door greenhouse garden to grow your own sustainable foods.

7. Have contingency back-ups for loss of utilities and sanitation.

8. Consider different defense plans.

9. Build your very own underground secure bunker.

10. Protect your property with a chain link fence (or a wall) and put up a sign indicating that all trespassers will be challenged.

11. Have an anti-Ebola protective gear outfit and mask for each member of your family.

12. Order drone-delivered pizzas.

13. Make and stock your own sustainable Koi Pond.

14. For any children’s problems, learn how to be a home pediatrician.

15. Avoid other family illnesses such as Pink Eye.

Red River Zoo Soon Adding One Large Triceratops

Leave a reply
caption here

If seeing is believing, then you can believe this! Please join us in welcoming Tari, the Triceratops.

Fargo, ND – In case you hadn’t heard, part of Jurassic Park will soon be coming to the Fargo Red River Zoo!

Because of the wide variety of extreme weather conditions in this region, the Fargo Zoo has been chosen to be the lucky home of a real live Triceratops dinosaur, whose name is Tari. Her full name is Tari Spector, which is from the re-arranging of all the letters in “Triceratops”.

The Triceratops type of dinosaur is one of thee most loved and recognizable of all dinosaurs and was originally named by the owner of a Greek restaurant because of its three (tri), horned (cera), face (tops).

Even though the Triceratops were originally believed to have become extinct about 66 million years ago, Tari is living proof that this was simply a false rumor, probably reported on some fake news websites.

This cute and friendly new addition to the Red River Zoo is strictly a herbivore, and because it only eats plant vegetation, it should not be a threat to gobble up any children. Instead, people of all ages will be able to feed Tari some of her favorite grasses and herbs by purchasing them from the Dino-Food vending machine. All of the profits from this vending machine will go directly to the “Save The Dinosaurs From Global Warming” program, which was started by Algore, after he invented the Internet.

Because of the unique challenges Tari brings with her, the Red River Zoo is frantically seeking to hire a few special zoo handlers for this lovable dinosaur. Past working experience with Triceratops would be a major plus for this job. If you think you have what it takes to handle Tari the Triceratops, please call the Red River Zoo to set up a formal interview.

Moorhead Family Found Living In A Pumpkin

Leave a reply
caption here

It’s actually quite comfortable living in here but we’re planning on adding an additional pumpkin for some more living space.

Moorhead, MN – It was recently discovered by the Moorhead Housing Authority that at least one Moorhead family has been living in a large pumpkin for months.

Margaret Butts, chairman of the MHA, stated: “T’was a real shocker when we learned that a whole family was headquartering out of a large pumpkin. They can’t be considered homeless because they do have a home.”

Some of the initial questions swirling around this story have been:

Why would a family be living in a pumpkin in Moorhead?

Can we expect more people to be found living in pumpkins the closer we get to Halloween?

Should pumpkin dwellers be taxed just as normal homes are?

Is this just more real fake news from the FMObserver or is it an authentic story like the Moorhead haunted house story?

All of these questions will be addressed at the next Moorhead city commission meeting. In the meantime, you are asked to go out and search for any other pumpkin dwellers who may be living in the area. Please report any findings by calling the main city phone line at 218.299.5166 and you will be routed to the Pumpkin Department.

Star Trek Captain Janeway Wearing Prison Orange For Being Romulan Spy

Leave a reply
caption here

Could someone please beam me out of this fricking federal prison? I was only joking when I admitted to being a Romulan spy. C’mon, lighten up, already. I am an actress who has rights!

Enterprise, Alabama – USS Enterprise Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Star Trek Federation has been convicted of being a Romulan spy. It turns out that her actual (Romulan) name is Galina “Red” Reznikov.

Ms. Reznikov is no longer wearing her normal black and red Star Trek uniform, as she is now currently wearing the color orange while being held in an Alabama federal maximum security prison.

Her attorney is Ms. Kate Mulgrew who categorically states: “We are doing everything in our legal powers to get Ms. Reznikov freed of all these ridiculous charges of espionage.”

Romulans have been notorious for trying to infiltrate Federation ranks with spys, but never before has a starship captain been suspected of such treason.

President Obama has made it clear that “full and complete” background checks will be done on all future Federation applicants.

Feral Rabbits Being Readied To Secure Southern Border

Leave a reply
Rabbits to the rescue!

Rabbits to the rescue!

Rabbit, Texas – The president has announced executive orders which will result in special teams of feral rabbits soon being dispatched to the southern U.S. border.

This will be part of an overall coordinated federal ground effort to get an emergency handle on the continuous influx of undocumented Democrats flowing into the United States from Latin American countries.

Captain Jack Leporine is the top commander of this newly created division of feral rabbit agents.

“These formerly wild rabbits will be highly trained and totally ready for action” pledges Captain Jack. “Think of them as elite armed soldiers that are as fast as a jackrabbit but as quiet as a mouse.”

Captain Jack also likes that they are very easily trainable to carry out any orders with feral federal precision. Based on their trainability, the feral rabbits beat out a number of other animal species that were being considered for this unique mission: pigs, sheep, elephants, and chimpanzees.

Captain Jack: “And as a bonus, these rabbits are simple enough to feed because they can survive by just eating any sort of grass, but of course, they prefer lettuce or carrots.”

Area Outdoor Pianos Maybe Not Such A Grand Idea

1 Reply
caption here

A few bad squirrels giving all squirrels a bad name.

Fargo, ND – What perhaps began as a grandiose idea has now ended up in the local landfill.

Fargo police surveillance cameras in the area of an outdoor grand piano were not quite quick enough to record all of the alleged destruction of the piano but did manage to capture an image of the possible suspect (see picture).

Dr. William Soozan is the Executive Director of The Downtown Public Piano Project.

Dr. Soozan says that even though some drunk squirrel is most likely the vandal who chewed up the publicly placed piano, this piano will soon be replaced by many more pianos all over the downtown Fargo area.

“We’re not going to give up the fight to provide free pianos for free people to play free music”, he said. “One or two bad squirrels can chew up our pianos but they certainly cannot chew up our dreams.”

In the future, each piano will be securely chained to some sort of stationary object such as a light pole or fire hydrant in order to prevent them from being dragged off and chewed to smithereens. Also, local weather forecasters will provide The Downtown Public Piano Project with early warnings of any possible rain, sleet, or snow, so that the tarp crews will have plenty of time to protect the pianos from damaging precipitation.

If you perchance recognize the squirrel shown in the above picture, please contact the Fargo Police immediately in order to help prevent future property damage to these publicly playable pianos.

FMO Launching FMO-TV From New FMO Corporate Headquarters

1 Reply
caption here

Say hello to the brand new FMO Corporate Headquarters! The new home of FMO-TV.

West Fargo, ND – After weeks of around-the-clock construction, the new FM Observer corporate headquarters is finally done.

This will not only be the main offices of your favorite FMObserver.com but will also be the exciting new home of FMO Television. FMO-TV will soon be coming into your home and will focus on all things Fargo-Moorhead. Think of it as being the TV version of FMObserver.com.

FMO-TV is now seeking talent and content from anyone interested in possibly being involved in having their own local talk show, be apart of our own reality TV series, or perhaps host your very own cooking or how-to program. Please send in emails and videos so that we can include you for consideration to get in on the ground floor of something big. Donald Trump said: “This is going to be HUGE!”

Free guided tours will be offered for only a $10 handling fee.

Eat in our Blue Plate Cafeteria which will be open for public consumption. All pay-per-item selections will be made from scratch using only the best organic ingredients.

The top floor Brainstormer Bar will have various serve-yourself adult-beverage drink fountains such as Mike’s Lemonade and will feature live local music nightly from 9PM – 3AM.

Work out in the FMO Fitness Centre & Spa which also houses a small food court that includes a Mini-McDonald’s restaurant and a Krispy Kreme Donut Shoppe.

Thank you for helping FM Observer become the official website of the Fargo-Moorhead area. Please consider becoming part of our family and hosting or producing your own television show. If you’re doing something you love, you’ll never have to work a day in your life.

Wendy’s Pay It Forward Program Offers Free Meals After Midnight

Leave a reply
Say "Pay It Forward" between midnight and 1AM and your meal is free.

Agree to “Pay It Forward” and your meal is free between midnight and 1AM

Fargo, ND – Wendy’s restaurants in the Fargo-Moorhead area are starting a new “Pay It Forward” program.

Between the hours of midnight and 1AM, your meal will be free if you promise to pay this kind gesture forward three times to three other people.

Wendy’s in the Fargo-Moorhead area decided to start this wonderful program because it was recently also the recipient of a kind gesture by a man who was dressed as Michael Jackson.

What are people saying about Wendy’s new “Pay It Forward” program?

“Incredible!”

“Why didn’t they start this sooner?”

“What a great way to positively change the world.”

So, the next time you go to a Wendy’s (in the F-M area only), don’t forget to say “Pay It Forward” to get your entire meal for free!

Many Concerned About UFO Lights South Of Moorhead

Leave a reply
UFO lights south of Moorhead almost a nightly occurrence.

UFO lights south of Moorhead almost a nightly occurrence. Where are they from? What do they want?

Moorhead, MN – Have you been seeing the unusual lights in the sky at night south of Moorhead? Have you and your family been wondering if they are real UFOs?

National UFO experts have now released an official statement from the National UFO Centre declaring that these “unusual lights” that have been showing up on a regular basis are indeed UFOs.

Multiple photographs taken with special digital lenses have proven that this is not a hoax.

Dr. Allen Greenman: “These UFOs are as real as real mayonnaise. Our only question now is why are they here and what do they want?”

Some Sabin residents are quite convinced that the alien ships are interested in having a high-level meeting with Senator Al Franken.

When asked why they believe that, their answer was: “Because we’ve seen banners hanging from the UFO windows saying that they are interested in having a high-level meeting with Senator Al Franken.”

Senator Franken was unavailable for comment but his answering machine did say: “Hi. If you’re calling about setting up a meeting with the Sabin UFOs, tell them I’m not interested, and that I no longer am a struggling comedian trying to make people laugh with silly jokes.”

Moorhead Crocodile Charged With Killing Of Defenseless Calf

Leave a reply
captionhere

The alleged crocodile has no comment at this time.

Moorhead, MN – Authorities are investigating the murder of an unarmed defenseless calf just outside the Moorhead city limits.

The alleged incident allegedly took place on the banks of the Red River.

The alleged suspect is a 600-pound crocodile, whose name is not being released at this time.

Residents are being told to not jump to any conclusions based on the sketchy information which is slowly coming out about this story.

Crocodiles have been known to attack young animals with ferocious ferocity.

The good news is that none of the other crocodiles currently in the Moorhead area have any record of this type of unnecessary brutality.

Update: Moorhead authorities have now released the name of this killer crocodile.
His name is: Ferguson.