Tag Archives: fargo

Wild Zebra Continues To Run Rings Around Fargo

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What is this zebra trying to tell the people of Fargo?

Fargo, ND – For some unknown reason, a wild zebra continues to run circles around the entire city of Fargo.

According to our sources, this unusual activity began about a month ago.

Some believe the animal is trying to communicate a special message to the people of Fargo. Perhaps it has some important information about Cecil, the Dead Lion King!?

Others think the zebra is simply going crazy, losing it, cracking up, freaking out, and/or having a major meltdown.

What do you think? We want to know!

Update: Local law enforcement officers are now offering a $10,000 reward for the capture of this wild zebra.

Woman Living In Hammock Above Fargo Park

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Hammock woman tells FMO reporter to "Fuck off!"

Hammock woman tells FMO reporter to “Fuck Off!”

Fargo, ND – One of our best junior reporters (who recently attended FMO Summer Camp) somehow discovered a woman living up in a hammock in Fargo’s Lindenwood Park.

Our on-the-scene reporter cleverly asked the lady why she was there, living in a hammock?

Her reply was that she was getting set up early for the WE Fest and wanted to “grab a good spot before they all were taken.”

After our reporter kindly informed her that the WE Fest is down by Detroit Lakes and not in Fargo, the stunned hammocker became quite irate and proceeded to drop multiple F-Bombs on our staffer while madly throwing empty tunafish cans down from her high-hanging hangout.

Moral of the story: Don’t mess with the WE Festers, especially when they’re high.

Fargo Airport To Allow Runway Drag Racing In Between Flights

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Racing On The Runways

Fargo, ND – In what some are calling a bold move, the Fargo Airport will soon allow street racing on the runways during times between flights.

“Rather than endangering people on the city streets, the long Hector Airport runways will be a much safer place for racers to prove themselves to their peers,” says Toby Duckworth of the Fargo Associated Street Trackers (FAST).

Air-traffic controllers will moonlight as race referees and declare all winners.

To begin with, there will be two FAST divisions: Funny Cars, and Non-Funny (or Serious) Cars.

All FAST races will either be between two cars or three cars, depending on the turnout.

There is also the possibility of cars racing against planes just taking off on the runway.

If you are interested in participating in the airport runway races, you can call Toby Duckworth, or just show up at the the Air-Traffic control parking lot and wait until your lucky number is called.

FM Observer Asks: Do You Uber?

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Uber much?

Uber much?

Fargo, ND—With Uber ride service starting soon in Fargo, the FM Observer wonders if you, the reader, Uber? We asked a handful of friendly folks if they’ve ever Ubered or if they plan to Uber:

Whackite Chlomsburger, 47, Fargo, Air-Powered Rifle Mechanic:

“Whatever gets me to the air-powered rifle shop and back at a reasonable rate is fine by me.”

Tork Chroin, 34, Fargo, Pro Thunderball Player:

“Me and the other Thunderballers can Uber to Rooters after league gets over, go HAM, get bombed, Uber back home, pass out on our kitchen floor, then wake up and do it all over again the next day.”

Clish BaBerdink, 20, West Fargo, Skater Dude:

“Next time I double-back on a reverse-toe-ball-kick ollie-flip and split my coccyx, i’ll Uber to the ER, bro.”

Phlim Daggnip, 51, Casselton, Beard Wrangler:

“I won’t be needin’ to Uber anywhere. I do all my beard wranglin’ here at home.”

Assmarina Kyros, 27, Fargo, Follicular Transplant Specialist:

“I do consider Uber a reasonable option for immediate human transport. I will Uber. Yes, yes I will Uber very much as, via court-mandated order due to lawbreak, I have been disallowed from driving.”

Noldo Pacworlder, 44, North Fargo, Zombie Apocalypse Theorist:

“The Uberers must ready themselves for the Impenetrable Quickening. When the Great Change violently imposes itself upon the human race, safe vehicular harbor will become fully mandatory. We haven’t much time. Preparations are underway. Currently, my underground panic bunker–complete with approximately 14 years worth of both sonic and explosive weaponry, dry non-perishable goods and well water–burrows 68.75 feet underground.”

Declen Millsteff-Ghristles, 31, Fargo, Church of Satan Minister-In-Training

“With the Dark Lord’s guidance, I may deftly conjure an Uber. Whatever he deems pertinent under the laws of our cherished Necronomicon, I shalt follow. Go unto him, for Satan is God! His armies shall soon rise from the bowels of Hell to cleanse the impure. So, what are Uber’s rates?”

Do you desire to Uber? Let us know in the comments!

New Fargo Children’s Daycare Called Spookhouse

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Spookhouse to provide Care & Scare

Fargo, ND – A new theme park-style daycare service will soon be opening in Fargo.

Spookhouse Daycare will provide excellently creepy care for today’s modern youth.

Everything about Spookhouse Daycare will have a very scary edge to it.

Eerie music and bloodcurdling sounds will be continuously piped in.

Feral black cats will roam the haunted premises.

Dimly-lit bathrooms will have special blacklight 3-D goblins jumping out of nowhere.

Staff workers will dress up like graveyard ghouls and read classic ghost stories to the children at the bottom of every hour.

Spookhouse director Egore Hunchback says: “It’s going to be terrifyingly awesome!”

Other daycare themes soon to be available from the Kids-R-Us Corporation: Bootcamp, Octogon, Transgender, Waterworld, Prison, and The Moon.

Raceism Is What Makes Marathon Week So Special

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Raceism | noun | race – ism | ˈrā-ˌsi-zəm: the belief in racing as a favorable hobby or pastime

Raceism is alive and well

Raceism is still a thing!

Fargo, ND–Raceism is alive and well in Fargo this weekend during this year’s marathon. Raceists from all across the country have flocked to town this week for the city’s annual 26-miler. Registration totals are through the roof again as thousands of raceists wait patiently for the starting gun.

Fellow raceists train hard for this event. Local raceist Jaian Leutibron is poised to run his fifth consecutive full marathon on Saturday. “Raceism is a part of me. It’s who I am. I love racing with a passion, whether it’s on road or on track. My father was a diehard raceist, and so was my father’s father. Participating in the marathon with all these other raceists is what it’s all about.”

Registration for this event is still open if you’re a raceist who wants to get in on the action! All you have to do is fill out the Raceist Registration Forms online or in person to register as a raceist. The raceism culminates this Saturday on the streets of downtown Fargo. Be there!

 

Shania Twain Moving To Fargo

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East is East and West is West, and never the Twain shall meet, unless you’re in Fargo.

Fargo, North Dakota – Shania Twain, the famous daughter of the late Mark Twain, has just announced that she will be moving to Fargo, effective September 21, 2015.

The singing superstar said that after performing in Fargo back in 1998 and 2004, and after seeing the movie FARGO, she has decided to relocate to Fargo permanently.

Her long-time agent, Sofia Lorry, released this statement from Ms. Twain: “Fargo, when I first saw you, I saw love, and the first time you touched me, I felt love, and after all this time, Fargo, you’re still the one I love.”

For Fargo, this will be yet another celebrity who has chosen to make Fargo their permanent home. Others include: Lawrence Welk, Peggy Lee, Bruno Mars, Tom Cruise, Bruce Transjenner, Phil Jackson, JJ Watt, Redd Foxx, Macaulay Culkin, and Ed Shultz.

To welcome Shania Twain to Fargo, the local chapter of the Welcome Wagon has deemed September 21st to officially be Shania Twain Day. If you would like to help out the Celebration Committee by making cookies or baked goods, please contact the Chamber Of Commerce.

Fargo Tops State With Seven I-94 Exits

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Fargo-FloodFargo, ND—The results are finally in! Fargo, for the eighteenth year in a row, was awarded the honor of Most Independent I-94 Highway Exits with an estimable 7.

ND Department Of Transportation Administrator Hifton Gasscage believes this to be the result of hard work and a little divine intervention. “We’re happy with these recent findings. Currently, there are no plans to add or remove any highway exits, but if it doth pleaseth the gods, thy shalt produceth the sturdiest of offeth-rampeth constructs.”

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The Gods

The Gods sent forth this ruling after the annual War Of Spring Solstice. Fargo was declared the ruling village in an epic Battle Of The Longroads, with Bismarck earning a revered second-place nod.

Fargo shall again wage battle against Bismarck at the dawn of the 2017 Summer Solstice. It is then that the Gods shall again make their will known.

Fargo Starts New Program To Help Juveniles Avoid Jail

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Persuasion through Dissuasion

Fargo, ND – With the upwardly mobile trend of crime in Fargo due to Global Fracking, a new program is being started to dissuade area youth from landing themselves in jail and prison.

The program is called Incarcerational Detention Improves Obstinate Teenagers (or IDIOT).

Troubled teenagers who are heading in the “wrong direction” will hava chance to tangibly experience real-life jail living while wearing a bright pink uniform labeled IDIOT.

Nominations for participation in the IDIOT program can come from parents, teachers, police, or even anonymously.

Program enrollees will get to spend anywhere from 1-6 nights in jail depending on the roll of a dice. Program Director Jack Hammer believes: “By rolling a dice to determine the length of their stay, they begin to learn they’re no longer in control.”

Before graduating from the IDIOT program, each misguided youth will learn how to do laundry, sleep with the lights on, make their beds, make other’s beds, exercise upon waking, appreciate jail food, exist without television and smartphones, and be respectful of authority.

Minnesota Tells Residents To Stick It To Fargo

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Minnesota State Fair to serve Fargo-On-A-Stick!

Fergus Falls, MN – Apparently not everyone in Minnesota loves Fargo as much as Fargo does.

Emotions seem to be running quite high after a Minnesota County Board made and seconded a motion to “Stick It To Fargo”.

All this comes at a major watershed moment for the rocky Minn-Kota relationship, which has seen some growing turbidity lately due to the controversial $1.8 billion Red River Diversion Project.

Minnesota’s hostile new campaign to “Stick It To Fargo” will unfortunately only muddy the waters and make matters worse, while Fargo considers its own reciprocal “Stick It To Minnesota” offensive.