Tag Archives: fargo

FMO Restaurant Review: Grand Porks

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This little piggy went to market.

Fargo, ND – Today we are reviewing a restaurant called Grand Porks. Porks is new to the Fargo area but, not surprisingly, originated in Grand Forks. Since we were both quite hungry, Nick and I decided to review this restaurant together. In order to not be recognized when we walked in, we chose to wear trench coats and aviator sunglasses for the duration of our visit.

John: After pulling into the parking lot of the Grand Porks restaurant, we parked with no problem, but valet parking would have been nice. We walked in separately so as to not cause suspicion that we were two people from a satirical news agency there to do a restaurant review. I asked for a booth in the back of the restaurant and Nick then cleverly asked for a table near the front.

Nick: Upon entering the establishment, we were immediately accosted by a gigantic man dressed in an inflatable pig costume. He blurted out through his bubbly pig helmet “Welcome to Grand Porks, thanks for PIGGING OUT with us!!” then handed us each a 10% off coupon. We were both taken aback by this but there was no time to react as we were being hastily ushered to our respective tables by the hostess. This experience was equal parts troubling and panic-inducing. ★★✩✩✩

John: En route to my back corner booth, I noticed an odd sign on the restroom door: “UniSex Bathroom. One Size Fits All.” In general, this restaurant seemed friendly, dark, and warm, which could have been because I was wearing sunglasses and a trench coat. As I sat down, the hostess handed me an attractive menu showing mostly pictures and prices. While she was filling my water glass, I asked for an appetizer recommendation to which she replied: “Why don’t you try the tickled pork belly nuggets-on-a-stick served with our famous porky jerk sauce?”, to which I replied: “Yes! Why don’t I?!”

Nick:  My waitress was an attentive 20-something from Granville, ND. A marketing major at NDSU. Although young, I could instantly tell she possessed a lifetime of experience. How did I make this conclusion so early on? Well, my first test for Grand Porks was to order a double-tall whiskey coke, no ice, no coke followed by the statement “I’ve had a rough day–time to get completely shitblasted!” just to see the server’s reaction. She handled my request with style and grace and without question. This is how I knew my dining experience would likely turn out to be a positive one. ★★★★★

John: My appetizer arrived as expected, and I attentively consumed it. T’was quite good. I ordered a different appetizer, and ate that too – also not bad. Then I ordered three random dinner entrees, since I was basically eating “for free”. They arrived. I ate them all. “What’s for dessert, I asked?” She replied: “How about a pork pound cake?” I ate that too. This is when I began watching the UniSex restroom door, for when there might be an upcoming vacancy, just in case anything I’d recently eaten didn’t fully agree with me, which it didn’t.

Nick: The dinner menu was, itself, a sight to behold. Who knew there could be such a plethora of pork permutations? I took the liberty of jotting down a few of my entrees:

  • Pork Tornado– An 8-inch fried corn tortilla shaped like a funnel, filled to the brim with carnitas, ham slop and bacon bits.
  • The Mighty Hambone– A completely un-butchered pig spine beer-battered with a 16-month old case of Michelob AmberBock®, then deep-fried.
  • Frizzle Fry Head Cheese– Head cheese as only Grand Porks can prepare it! Lightly tossed head marinated in a vegetable oil/olive oil/motor oil conglomeration, then broiled in a below-ground smoker amidst periodic sprinkles of hog sweat. Served with a side of aus jus.

Primus-Frizzle_FryI made no hesitation in ordering the Frizzle Fry, among many other entrees. It came, as requested, eyeballs intact and with visible canine incisors. It was an absolute delight. ★★★★★

John: I was feeling happily full to the gills, barely able to move toward the UniSex bathroom. While laying back in my rear corner booth, I could see Nick up front, obviously quite pork-drunk, sitting at a table near the entrance. He was trying to reach out and grab anyone who walked within six feet of his pork-covered table. It was at this moment that I knew this restaurant was a winner. During the last two hours, it had passed every test we threw at it. On a scale of 1-5, I’d have to give it 5 Pigs, which is what I told my server just before I started trying to explain to her that my meal was to be free because we were writing a serious restaurant review for a very prestigious local satirical fake news website.

Nick: Final numbers for our trip to Grand Porks:

Entrees devoured: 8.75

Double-tall drinks imbibed: 7.5

Hours spent: 4.25

Trips to the UniSex: 16

Verbal reprimands from Porks staff: 4

Dollars spent: $197

Likelihood of return: 9.4

Overall rating: ★★★★✩

No One Leaves Alive From This Fargo Haunted House

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This mansion is the pictorial definition of “Haunted”.

Fargo, ND – It’s the place everyone knows about, but no one talks about. Fargo’s Minister Mansion, as it is called, is thee most haunted house between Moorhead, Minnesota and Missoula, Montana. If you don’t know where it is exactly, ask any long-time Fargo resident who believes in God, but fears the undead.

Some of what we do know: A Methodist minister once lived in the home, until he mysteriously died one night, along with his entire family, and all their pets. Since then, it seems that no one who’s actually entered this haunted house has come out, alive.

Based on well-placed police surveillance cameras, every Sunday night there seems to be a gathering of some sort, inside the mansion, just as the minister who lived there had for all his church members every Sunday night.

Minister Mansion will soon be the subject of a new upcoming investigative reality mini-series on the FX Channel in which they will attempt to probe the haunted mansion by using hi-tech robots and drones.

Red River Zoo Adding A Rat Farm!

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Everyone loves rats!

Fargo, ND – The Red River Zoo is very proud to announce that they will soon be adding a new Rat Farm to their growing list of fun animal displays.

Their new Rat Pack will feature a number of special rats brought in from different urban centers throughout the country.

If you’ve never seen a real rat, this will be a great opportunity to observe one close up and personal.

Bring your whole family to see rats doing what rats do.

And every Wednesday and Saturday come watch the amazing Rat Race: Pick your favorite rat, place your bets, and win!

FM Observer To Begin Series Of Area Restaurant Reviews

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Would you like another free glass of wine before you look at our menu?

Would you like another free glass of wine before you look at our menu?

Fargo, ND – By popular demand, the FM Observer will soon begin a series of restaurant reviews of all your favorite (and non-favorite) eateries in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

Just as Fargo police drunk-driver checkpoints are unexpectedly random, so too will be our restaurant reviews.

To all F-M area restaurants, sooner or later, each one of you can expect a visit from one or more of our staff. We may not overtly identify who we are and what we’re up to. However, if we do identify ourselves, we will expect our entire meal to be free. Gratis. “On-the-house”. In either case, we will usually ask a series of questions throughout our stay and will want these questions answered immediately, such as: “What would you recommend?” We may ask for directions to the bathroom and then “accidentally” walk into the kitchen. We may order the pepper steak and send it back because it’s too peppery. Everything we do will be to thoroughly test every aspect of your establishment, from: friendliness, cleanliness, ambience, food quality and quantity, drink potency and potability, attention to details, to how you deal with problems.

To our readers: We vow to be completely unbiased and honest in our reporting, unlike the late, great Brian Williams. If you ever have any particular restaurants that you would like to suggest we critique, please do not hesitate to contact our Restaurant Review Department.

Father Of Modern Photography Coming To Fargo

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First picture ever taken by Andre Kertesz which he later colorized with colored pencils.

Fargo, ND – The Fargo-Moorhead Photography Club is excited to announce that Mr. Andre Kertesz who many consider to be the Father of Modern Photography will be coming to the Fargo-Moorhead area to do a photography workshop free-of-charge for the first 500 interested people who respond to this post.

This very special workshop will be held poolside (along with a cash bar) at the Biltmore Motel which is where the lovely Raquel Welch who many consider to be the Mother of Modern Photography chose to stay when visiting Fargo.

Andre Kertesz taught us to think of the camera as a tool through which we can capture a subject’s essence or the main reason why something exists.

Mr. Kertesz believed that in a random world the camera can give reason to everything around us which is how he felt after doing a black and white photo shoot with the ever-beautiful Raquel Welch whom he went on to marry and then subsequently divorce due to irreconcilable differences.

If you would like to join the Fargo-Moorhead Photography Club, simply call Mr. Marv Varvruncle at his home anytime day or night except Sundays.

Should Fargo Turn Its Telephone Booths Into Hyperbaric Chambers?

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Streetside hyperbaric prototype

Fargo, ND—As our nation continues the technological migration toward hand-held cellular communication, cities around the country are getting creative with ways to repurpose their now-useless phone booths.

The FM Observer is left to wonder: What if Fargo put some of that taxpayer money towards a little oxygen therapy? Should Fargo turn its talkboxes into hyperbaric chambers that its citizens can use to replenish their O² levels at roughly 4.4 PSI above the Earth’s atmospheric pressure? Obviously!

Should city leaders construct an oxygen rejuvenation station where that rusty old payphone used to be? We think so. We feel like Fargoans could benefit from easy access to Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy (HBOT) by way of self-contained coin-operated compression chambers. 

Would you approve such a measure? Could you see yourself inside a Broadway sidewalk HBOT prototype jolting spastically from a hyperoxic seizure? Let us know in the comments!

Local Man Who Dreamed He Was Flying Somehow Woke Up In Tokyo

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When in Japan, see some Sumo!

Fargo, ND – A local Fargo man who crawled into bed in Fargo at around 11:00 PM on December 29th, somehow amazingly woke up in Tokyo, Japan the next day.

Dave Cooperfeld of 243 Pinecone Place says he had a dream that night in which he was flying in a large passenger airplane. When he woke up from his long slumber, he was in Tokyo!

Experts are trying to figure out just how this could have happened. His wife, Claudia, is wondering how her husband is going to get home?

They both recall his recent Chinese fortune cookie which said: “An unexpected trip is soon at hand.” But at the time they both thought it meant a fall or tumble down the stairs.

None of the airlines show any record of Mr. Cooperfeld boarding an airplane between the time he went to bed and when he ended up in Tokyo.

Some speculate that the sleeping Mr. Cooperfeld travelled through a worm hole or a “wrinkle in time”. His wife thinks that rum was involved.

While he’s there, Mr. Cooperfeld is planning on visiting the famous Fish Market, checking out some Sumo wrestling, perhaps drinking some Hot Sake (SOCK-key), and then maybe topping it all off by singing some Karaoke (Carry-OH-key).

FMO To Sponsor Fargo Senior Citizen Soccer Team

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Super Senior Soccer!

Fargo, ND – With the days already starting to get longer, the FM Observer is excited to announce that it will be sponsoring a Summer Super Senior Citizen Soccer Team called the Fargo Flash.

Team members need to be 80+ years of age and also must be able to pass a physical test made up of various soccer drills and special challenges.

The Fargo Flash will play against other regional teams such as the Sioux Falls Dominators and the Bemidji Blue Oxen.

If you are interested in trying out for the Fargo Flash, try to get in shape by April when the team members will be selected. Cheerleaders will also be chosen at this time, along with numerous Emergency Medical Technician staff members.

Think Spring! Think Soccer! Think Super Senior Summer Soccer!

Go Fargo! Go Flash! Go Fargo Flash!

Man Riding Bike To Liquor Store Refuses To Re-Evaluate Life

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a.baa-Creative-way-to-ride-bike-inFargo, ND—Upon riding his janky old Huffy to the Nestor off-sale for the 5th time this week, local drunkard Gendle Mungripper still actively refuses to re-evaluate what you or I would call an unfortunate life situation.

“I was once a Rhodes Scholar. I held multiple accounts for multiple investment firms. Prosperity comes with a hefty price tag,” Mungripper griped as he dismounted his rusty 10-speed and fumbled for a pocket full of crumpled bills that he would ultimately trade for the day’s whiskey fix.

“Have you ever been talked to like a child amongst a room full of suited-up board members? No? Well then you couldn’t possibly understand why I chose to trade that garbage lifestyle for one in which I wake up and have but one responsibility: to get my flattened ass to a Fargo, North Dakota boozin’ cesspool and submit my panhandled pennies for a fifth of the sweet, warming comfort of Jim Beam.”

Mungripper seems perfectly fine with his current slate of affairs, even if it does mean shedding his dignity prior to leaving his cardboard condo every cold winter morning.

Marijuana-Scented Candles Frustrating Police

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Wacky Wax

Wacky Wax

Fargo, ND – Police in Fargo say a recent uptick in disturbance calls can be attributed to the growing popularity of marijuana-scented candles.

Dispatchers estimate they have received approximately 420 complaints about strong marijuana odors in the last 6 months.

“There’s virtually no difference between the scent of marijuana smoke and the aroma of a marijuana candle,” explains Officer Bud Potter. “Because it’s our duty to investigate anything that smells suspicious in the area, you can imagine the time we’re wasting sniffing out these false alarms. The K-9 unit is totally confused, and we’re all just sort of dazed.”

The candles, which can slow burn for hours, are believed to have filtered in as gifts from Colorado hipsters who have roots in the area. Since the initial introduction, sources indicate that most of Fargo’s import shops now stock these ganja glowers, making the inflow of product nearly impossible to stem.

To complicate matters, area potheads have begun using the candles as smokescreens, taking advantage of their camouflaging effect.

Says Potter, “A typical night on patrol now includes the inevitable pie-eyed groups of weedies laughing hysterically as we stand in their flickering dope dens, unable to make any arrests. If I have to hear ‘The candle cops are here!’ one more time…Well, you get the picture.”

There is one upside to this Mary Jane drain on the police force, however. Potter begrudgingly admits, “I have to say, as much as I despise the dreaded cannabis call, it’s a heckuva lot better than dealing with the Downtown Barf Brigade. Given the choice between skunk and chunk, I gotta tell ya, I’ll take the skunk.”