Category Archives: Recipes For Success

You can build anything if you have the Recipe For Success

UND Having Second Thoughts About Their Name Change Decision

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The UND Backdoor Lumberjacks!?

The UND Backdoor Lumberjacks!?

Grand Forks, ND – Ever since the Fighting Sioux officially changed their name to the Fighting Hawks, there has been much regret and many second thoughts on the name change.

Yes, twas probably time for the Fighting Sioux to change their name due to growing political correctness powers building up pressure over time.

But, the choice on Fighting Hawks is certainly not sitting well with a majority of folks who care deeply about the school’s past and future.

The name that most people wish they would had changed to is: The Backdoor Lumberjacks.

A recent poll of four people shows that about 75% of former “Fighting Sioux” fans prefer The Backdoor Lumberjacks over the Fighting Hawks.

Surprisingly, because of these sentiments, there is now some hope that a second name change can and just might occur.

How do you feel about a second name change for the Fighting Sioux, to the Fighting Hawks, to The Backdoor Lumberjacks?

President Clinton To Hit Some Fargo Hot Spots

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I love Fargo! South Dakota is one of my favorite states.

I love Fargo! South Dakota is one of my favorite states.

Fargo, ND – President Bill Clinton somehow ended up in Fargo, North Dakota to try and drum up support for his wife’s floundering presidential campaign.

Bubba’s speaking engagement will take place in the basement of the Northern Gentlemen’s Club near famous downtown Fargo.

Clinton, who was president from 1993-2001, is expected to talk about why his wife would be the best candidate to grow government, decrease our military, and increase our national debt.

Hillary has indicated that she is considering putting Bill in charge of revitalizing the economy and also selecting and “over-seeing” all the interns who will be working at the White House during her administration.

He will also be pushing for support of his new pet program called Respect All People Equally (or RAPE, for short).

President Clinton, who was impeached in late 1998 for perjury and obstruction of justice, stopped at a local Fargo ice cream shoppe and ordered a double scoop of his two favorite flavors: Peach-Mint.

NDSU Changing Its School Song To: We Are The Champions!

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While striving for 6 consecutive championships, Bison fans will be cheering for: The Joy Of Six!

Fargo, ND – Ever since the third verse of the NDSU Bison school song was found to have some “troubling” lyrics, the search has been on to pick a replacment song for “The Yellow and the Green” which was written by Archibald Minard and Clarence Putnam back around 1908.

NDSU is now extremely proud to announce that its new official school song is: We Are The Champions!

This ever-popular song was written by the late, great Freddie Mercury and introduced to the world by the band Queen in 1977.

After five straight national championships by the NDSU football team, We Are The Champions seems to be the perfect new school song for The Bison. In fact, Freddie Mercury said that he was actually thinking about football when he wrote the song.

With their new school song behind them, the NDSU Bison will now seek to extend their championship run to six straight winning trips to Frisco, Texas.

For this quest, the NDSU Bison football team is also announcing their new official slogan for this next year: The Joy Of Six!

Moorhead Man Lands Record Large-Mouth Bass From Long Lake

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Long Lake is one of the best fishing lakes in Minnesota.

Long Lake is one of the best fishing lakes in Minnesota.

Long Lake, MN – During the opening of fishing season, Humbert Galasso landed what appears to be the largest large-mouth bass ever caught in Minnesota.

Mr. Galasso had just begun fishing on one of 121 different lakes in Minnesota called “Long Lake”.

After hooking a small perch, Humbert was reeling it in when a good-sized, hungry northern bit onto the line trying to eat the perch for breakfast.

What happened next will stay with Humbert Galasso forever.

He could suddenly see a giant open mouth coming up from the bottom of the lake.

What turns out to be a record-setting 358-pound large mouth bass was now caught on Humbert’s hook.

Being an experienced fisherman, it only took about two hours to get the monster fish securely into the boat.

Needless to say, everyone in Humbert Galasso’s neighborhood is invited over next Friday for a very large fish fry. Please bring your own bier.

Ironically, all the letters in “Humbert Galasso” can be rearranged to spell: Large Mouth Bass!

FMO’s Golf Pro Shares Valuable Tips To Greatly Improve Your Game

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FMO’s golf pro will use the most advanced scientific methodologies to figure out why your golf game sucks so badly.

West Fargo, ND – Your FM Observer recently hired a golf professional to join our growing staff. Wade Lancer is his name and improving your golfing is his game.

Here are a few easy ways that Wade Lancer has put together to immediately shave strokes off your scorecard and also some great extra bonus tips to help impress your golfing buddies:

Pre-Game: Take a long hot shower in the morning and then major carb load on Mexican rice, beans, and enchiladas. A margarita or two certainly couldn’t hurt either if you’re feeling nervous. This warm-up routine should help illiminate your nasty snap-hook.

Clothing: Always wear a very bright and colorful outfit to play golf. Many rounds of golf are either won or lost while standing on the first tee-off box as your playing partners secretly size up their competition. Why do you think Ricky Fowler has been so darn successful?

Driving: To find your natural grip, simply hold your golf club like you’re grabbing a pool cue to swing at a bar-room attacker. After teeing up your ball as high as possible, remain in a steady, balanced ready-position long enough to summon up all that volcanic anger you felt during yesterday’s road rage incident when that loser cut in front of you and then flipped you off. As you swing to hit the ball, focus all that pent-up anger like a funneled laser beam onto the impact point of the ball. Don’t worry about your follow through because by that time, the ball is hopefully long gone in the right direction.

Fairway Shots: Using whichever club is your favorite, always aim straight for the flag on the green and then yell “fore!” after stroking your ball. It’s OK to tee your golf ball up on a perfect tuft of grass as long as you invoke “Winter Rules” beforehand.

Driving A Cart: Quite honestly, this is the best part of golfing. Sudden starts and stops are best. Always have drinks and snacks handy. Feel free to drive over your opponent’s golf ball especially if they’re not watching.

Chipping: This is easy. Simply use your chipper to launch the ball up onto the green much like you would just toss the ball with your hand. If a player from the group behind you ever hits their ball up into your general vicinity, do that person a huge favor and immediately hit their ball back at them and say “You’re welcome!”

Putting: Clear your mind of distractions like that unopened IRS audit envelope sitting on your desk. Trust your instincts to get the ball somewhat close to the hole. Anything within a club length of the hole is considered a gimme.

For more tricks and tips to help your golf game not suck so bad, simply ask anyone looking like they might be Wade Lancer if they have time to maby watch you hit a bucket of balls.

Fargo Homeless Man Amasses Fortune From Penny Trays

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or, just take all of them when no one is looking.

…or, just take them all when no one’s looking!

Fargo, ND – A homeless man who has been calling Fargo home for the past few years shared his amazing story with the FM Observer recently.

Jevon Varley once took a few pennies from the penny tray at a convenience store check-out counter and put them in his pocket.

He continued to gather and collect pennies, nickels, dimes, and sometimes quarters out of the penny trays from many different places in the area over a period of years.

As a former numismatist, he also knew that some coins were worth much more than their face value.

Mr. Varley stored his coins in coffee cans and when full, would hide or bury them in various places throughout the Fargo-Moorhead area.

At one point, Jevon realized he had gradually amassed quite a respectable sum of money. The total came to just over $98,000!

Unfortunately, in the end, Mr. Varley then took a cab to a local casino and lost it all playing high-stakes poker within a matter of a few hours.

Moral of the story: A penny saved is money earned unless it’s gambled, then it’s burned.

Obama Names NDSU Bison Our National Football Team

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Generations of Bison have and will continue to dominate the competition in and on the field.

Buffalo, NY – President Obama has graciously taken some time off his busy golf schedule to name the NDSU Bison our official national football team.

Top spokesman for the president, Scheff Fleffly spoke on strict terms of anonymity:

“Let it be known far and wide, that we hereby decree, from this day forward, that the 5-Time National Champion NDSU Bison from Fargo, South Dakota are henceforth to be named the national football team of America.”

Reaction to this major announcement was swift and mixed, and then poured into a tall chilled glass:

“Hey, I thought Fargo was in Canada, eh?” pondered Dumpster Johnstone’s stepmother.

Crest Fleckers lisped: “It’s about time, since the Bisons not only discovered America but have managed to dominate since Day One!”

LaFlex Boddington retroflexed: “Don’t we have more impotent things to worry about like Global Cooling or lowering the Maximum Wage?!”

Punky Butterworth sub-vocalized: “Well, that’s just fricking great! Now perhaps we can finally integrate outcome-based critical thinking via self-reflection on what the Bison mean to us, collectively, as a group.”

Hillary Clinton Recruiting Tech Students To Host Her Email Server

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Presumptive President Clinton ponders potential political possibilities.

Washington, DC – As the presumptive president Hillary Rodham Clinton proactively prepares to move back into the White House along with her husband Bill and his concubine Monica Lewinsky, the former Secretary of State is seeking the services of some smart, young, tech-minded students to securely store her email server in their broom closet so classified information does not fall into the hands of international hackers, or even worse, the Republicans.

The smartest woman in the world has shown a penchant in the past for using a non-government, privately maintained server when conducting official classified government business instead of one that is maintained on supposedly secure federal government servers even though her use of private messaging system software and a private server violated government procedures and federal regulations governing record keeping requirements, only because Hillary is so smart and feels she can do the job of keeping classified emails safe and private better than some federal flunkies who don’t really know what the hell they’re doing when it comes to top-secret information.

As president, Hillary wants to make sure she maintains the high security standards she set for herself while Secretary of State so she can focus all her energy on making the rich (like John Kerry) pay their fair share, rather than wasting her time testifying under oath as to how her classified emails were or were not allegedly hacked by the vast right wing conspiracy.

Million Dollar Painting Vanishes During Art Show

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‘Old New York’ by Lord Van Dyke

Fargo, ND – A valuable painting by the late Lord Van Dyke with an estimated worth of five million dollars suddenly vanished while the museum’s art curator was discussing its importance relative to the art world.

The painting had recently been donated to Fargo’s Museum Of Modern Art by Svenster Borgman, an extremely rich Norwegian benefactor whose lineage goes way back to the Fairhair Dynasty.

While renowned art curator Massi Miliano was teaching a master class at the museum about Lord Van Dyke’s painting which is entitled Old New York, it just suddenly disappeared into thin air right in front of the stunned audience.

Digital surveillance video slowed down a thousand times normal speed shows a man walk across the stage and simply carry the 6 x 6 foot painting out of the room.

If you see this man or the painting, please call the Fargo Museum Of Modern Art to claim your reward of one free ticket to the FM Derby Girls, and two free passes to the Golden Corral in Fargo.

Fargo Man Returns Home To Discover Demolition Crew Destroying Wrong House

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Fargo man quickly becomes fluent in profanity.

Fargo, ND – You can imagine the shock that Mr. Henry Kaberry who lives at 2088 Muscat Street was feeling when he pulled into his driveway.

While his children were still at school and his wife was at work, he decided to go workout at the gym on his day off.

Upon returning home, their recently-remodeled house was already half torn down by a giant claw attached to some large machinery which had badly torn up his potential yard-of-the-month.

As it turns out, the demolition crew was supposed to destroy the house at 1088 Muscat Street but with the 1 looking like a 2, the unthinkable happened.

Ironically, when Henry Kaberry went in for a routine physical exam last year, he ended up having his gall bladder removed after the hospital mistakenly put him into the wrong room.