Dear Dr. Finance: Is This A Good Time To Buy Gold?

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Dr. Finance has almost completely filled the FMO corporate break room with gold bars.

West Fargo, ND – We recently received a question for our very own Dr. Finance from a Mr. Don Salberg.

Mr. Salberg writes: Dear Dr. Finance, Is this a good time to buy gold?

Dear Don: Yes it is! As the chief financial officer for the FM Observer Corporation, I have green-lighted the buying of gold bars for some time now.

If you buy on a regular basis like we have been doing, you will be able to dollar-cost-average your way into the gold market.

With gold at about $1,200 per ounce, this does seem to be a favorable time to purchase gold.

The FM Observer break room is now almost completely full of pallets of gold bars, and we plan on buying more until there is no more room.

Ironically, all the letters in Don Salberg can be electroplated to spell: Golden Bars!

Grade School Goes Into Emergency Lockdown When Catholic Priest Tries To Enter The Building

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St. Peter Elementary School attacked by devilish Catholic priest.

Devils Elbow, Missouri – After seeing a Catholic priest trying to gain access to their grade school, St. Peter Elementary School went into full emergency lock-down to protect the children inside.

In the wake of The Pope’s recent comments that The Devil was to blame for all of the Catholic Church’s pervasive sexual abuse problems, it was very unnerving to see a robed Catholic priest trying to enter the school, according to all inside the building.

A middle-aged priest named Father Lucifer Hades, who was wearing an all-red robe and cap, continually tried to enter the school through each and every door while carrying and fondling his rosary, resulting in screaming children every time he gazed into a window.

One extremely distraught teacher who witnessed the attack said: “I have never been so afraid in all my life. We told all the kids to shelter in place while we called 9-1-1.”

FEMA Cot Ready For Hurricane Florence

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This government cot is ready to help.

Fort Bragg, NC – In anticipation of hurricane Florence’s arrival, the U.S. government is calmly assuring everyone that it could not be more prepared for what could be the worst storm to ever hit the East coast.

Federal Emergency Management (FEM) proudly announced that it has one cot all ready to go for some lucky person who might perhaps be uprooted by Florence’s ferocity.

FEM administrator Barock Long unveiled the cot to the press corpse while offering these comments:

“I am very confident we are more than prepared for hurricane Florence. Besides this comfortable cot, we also have two battery-powered radios and a few bags of kitty-litter for your pets.”

With September designated as national hurricane preparation month, make sure you know where your family is and that you have a fully stocked liquor cabinet. Remember: You can’t spell Trump without “rum”!

Wandering Through Some Wonderings

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What were you doing on this day back in 2001?

Do you ever wonder if it is all worth it?

Do you ever wonder if time really exists?

Do you ever wonder if you have enough insurance?

Do you ever wonder if you’re developing normally?

Do you ever wonder if you’re being told the truth?

Do you ever wonder if your bedroom is a fire risk?

Do you ever wonder if you are doing the right thing?

Do you ever wonder if you are who you are supposed to be?

Do you ever wonder if your pets enjoy the music you listen to?

Do you ever wonder if your weight problem could be hereditary?

Do you ever wonder what if your parents had never met each other?

Do you ever wonder if all that working out is working out for you?

Do you ever wonder if we make the moments in our lives or if the moments in our lives make us?

Do you ever wonder if you’re already dead and this is just your life flashing before your eyes?

Do you ever wonder how our lives would be different if the Twin Towers had not been attacked on 9/11?

Do you ever wonder what it was like seeing a large airplane flying directly toward your office?

All Granite Countertops Being Recalled Due To Gamma Radiation

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Think of your lovely granite countertops as miniature radiation factories.

Gamma, Missouri – Tests labs have now proven that granite countertops produce enough gamma radiation so as to be problematic for today’s average households.

Dr. Artinian Oatridge explains that slabs of granite naturally contain veins housing varying amounts of radioactive elements.

“Besides producing cancer-causing radon from any uranium, thorium, or radium that might be present within your nice-looking granite slab there in your kitchen, we are also detecting significant beta and gamma radiation emissions,” warns Dr. Oatridge.

His granite slab lab is advising everyone with kitchen granite countertops to leave your windows open for ventilation until the source of the gamma radiation can be physically removed from the premises.

In the meantime, consider purchasing an expensive instrument which when properly calibrated can measure the exact amount of ionizational output of the countertops on which you are daily cooking your food.

Interestingly, all of the letters in Artinian Oatridge can be re-ionized to spell: Granite Radiation!

Shoplifter Sentenced To Twenty Years At The West Acres Mall

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Just imagine having to spend 20 years in the West Acres Mall…without ever leaving!

Fargo, ND – A chronic shoplifter who recently was caught stealing twenty items from the West Acres Mall has been given an unusual sentence for her crime.

A creative judge has handed Hope Flirts a punishment of twenty consecutive years of confinement in the West Acres Mall.

Hope in her own words: “Well, what the hell? Quite frankly, I would rather spend twenty years in a normal prison than be stuck in the fricking West Acres Mall for twenty fracking years! Do you know what I’m saying?”

Ms. Flirts who is now 45 years old will not be allowed to physically leave the West Acres Mall until she is ready to retire at the ripe old age of 65.

If she is caught stealing just one item during the next 20 years, she will then be invited to finish out the remainder of her sentence at Alcatraz.

Ironically, all the letters in Hope Flirts can be re-arranged to spell: Shoplifter!

A Brief History Of Colorado

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All roads lead to Coopersmith’s!

Fort Collins, CO – One of the first settlers to the Colorado area was Dr. Cooper Smith. In fact, he named the state after his horse whose name was Colorado.

Having been interested in brewing beer since he was a young boy, Dr. Cooper Smith later worked as a bartender at the Zanzi-Bar while working in the Peace Corps. Becoming fluent in Swahili, Cooper learned how to brew beer from some of the local Kenyan experts.

Using this knowledge, Dr. Smith opened his own brew pub after building a fort around the town of Collins. To this day, Coopersmith’s is one of the finest brew pubs in the entire country, making all its own beers, each according to the original recipes written in Swahili. If you want to order a large beer, just ask for a Hickenlooper.

Since Dr. Smith was best friends with the legendary pool player Willie Mosconi, Coopersmith’s brought in the finest pool tables in the world, along with one ping pong table (since he was a cardiologist).

Ironically, all the letters in “Coopersmith’s” can somehow be re-arranged to spell: Smooth Prices! (Happy Hour is Monday-Friday from 3-6).

Q&A: In some of the beer names at Coopersmith’s, what does “Sigda” signify? Great question! Sigda stands for: Special Interest Group Drinking Ale :o)

Link to Coopersmith’s website.

Red River Diversion Still Trying To Begin Long After It Should Have Been Finished

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Is the Red River Diversion project dead in the water?

Moorhead, MN – In an effort to explain why the Red River Diversion project is still only in the early planning stages, there will be a public meeting to answer questions from frustrated citizens.

One question might be: After decades of discussion and planning, how is it that we are still only at the stage of talking about an environmental impact statement?

Another reasonable question: If the upcoming permit application process goes well, how long after that will it be until the Red River Diversion project is completely finished and ready for a big flood?

At the September 13th public meeting in Moorhead, decaf coffee and doughnut holes will be provided for the first five hundred people to show up.

To save money, the doughnut holes will be the actual holes that remain after the dough is removed from the inside of a doughnut.

Woman Suing Hot Sauce For Being Too Hot

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How hot is too hot?

Hot Springs, SD – An angry elderly woman is suing the makers of a hot sauce called The Ghost for being too darn hot!

Ms. Osucha Hogsett claims that after putting just a small portion of The Ghost hot sauce on her enchilada, she burned her mouth quite badly.

Her litigious attorney, whose name is Bhut Jolokia, says that Osucha now cannot taste anything besides the hot sauce, and her mouth is swollen up like a partially deflated basketball.

Ms. Hogsett and Mr. Jolokia are seeking $4.3 million for both pain and suffering, along with some punitive damages just for good measure.

How does this make you feel? Hot and bothered? Boiling mad? Does it hit your hot button? Should Osucha Hosett strike while the iron’s hot?

Ironically, all the letters in Osucha Hogsett can hotly be re-arranged to spell: Ghost Hot Sauce!

Man Raised By Buffalo Running For Congress

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Joe Tatanka is going to Washington to literally drain the swamp.

Buffalo, ND – After being raised by a large family of buffalo as a young child, a North Dakota man is ready to represent his state in Washington, DC.

Joe Tatanka, who now wallows in the town of Buffalo, North Dakota, believes it is now his turn to fix big government by bringing old-fashioned common sense back to our nation’s capitol.

Joe Tatanka in his own words: “As a strong and horny buffalo man, I am more than ready to charge towards Washington and fight for the values taught to me by my buffalo family members.”

Mr. Tatanka will also use time-tested buffalo tactics such as 1. standing your ground, 2. huddling up for protection, and 3. attack by stampeding to reflect North Dakota’s legendary morals and standards.