Pope Clarifies: There Is A Hell, Otherwise Known As Grand Forks

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The Pope now says God is telling him to tell us that there is a Hell and sinners don’t just disappear upon death.

Vaticano, Italy – The Pope admits God may have had it wrong when telling the Pope that there is no Hell.

When asked recently about his comments that sinners just disappear and that there is no Hell, The Pope is now saying there still might actually be a Hell and it also goes by the name of Grand Forks.

FMO: Mister Pope, is this your personal opinion or did you hear it directly from God on your Godphone?

The Pope: This is newly updated information from God which comes to me during prayer through my internal connection to God.

We then asked Grand Forks about the Pope’s latest papal clarification:

FMO: Why do you think The Pope is picking on Grand Forks to the point of calling it Hell?

GFS: We have no idea why Grand Forks is being likened to Hell but perhaps this is somehow related to us formerly being called the Fighting Sioux. Someone needs to tell The Pope we changed our name. It’s now the Backdoor Lumberjacks.

FMO Announces The 2018 Smartest Kids Contest

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How smart is your kid?

West Fargo, ND – The FM Observer is excitedly proud to announce our 2018 Smartest Kids Contest.

“Think of this as a spelling bee but you’re asked questions instead of spelling words,” says Dr. Thomas Tuttle, who runs the Smartest Kids Contest, and who also won his age division when he was younger.

Questions can be on any topic such as current events, general factoids, members of President Trump’s cabinet, cocktail ingredients, historical facts, who’s married to whom, sports trivia, the value of PI, and much much more.

First place winners in each age group will win a trip to Grand Forks, whilst second place winners will win two trips to Grand Forks, and so on and so forth.

If you would like to participate, simply contact Dr. Thomas Tuttle with all your personal information such as name, birth date, Mother’s maiden name, social security number, bank accounts and credit cards. After that, simply start studying for Fargo’s 2018 Smartest Kids Contest!

One tip: Answers to all the possible contest questions can be found in the Fargo Public Liberry.

The Orb Is Now Available Wherever Cool Things Are Sold

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The Orb knows all.

Potter, WI – If you like ordering cool things online that are even cooler when you open the box, then Google’s new Hairy Potter Magical Orb is for you.

Tech-sperts are raving about The Orb and predicting that it could soon replace the need for Siri, Alexa, and smartphones.

Not only does it answer any and all questions you may have, but also acts as a communication device which does not need any keyboard since it can read your mind.

Google’s new Hairy Potter Magical Orb can answer any questions about the past, show what’s currently happening in the present, and accurately predict the future.

The only thing it cannot do is serve you breakfast in bed, although many people do like to sleep with The Orb.

World’s 203rd Fastest Man To Speak At Fargo Track Meet

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<a style="background-color:black;color:white;text-decoration:none;padding:4px 6px;font-family:-apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, &quot;San Francisco&quot;, &quot;Helvetica Neue&quot;, Helvetica, Ubuntu, Roboto, Noto, &quot;Segoe UI&quot;, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:12px;font-weight:bold;line-height:1.2;display:inline-block;border-radius:3px;" href="https://unsplash.com/@willpower?utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_campaign=photographer-credit&amp;utm_content=creditBadge" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer" title="Download free do whatever you want high-resolution photos from William Stitt"><span style="display:inline-block;padding:2px 3px;"><svg xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" style="height:12px;width:auto;position:relative;vertical-align:middle;top:-1px;fill:white;" viewBox="0 0 32 32"><title>unsplash-logo</title><path d="M20.8 18.1c0 2.7-2.2 4.8-4.8 4.8s-4.8-2.1-4.8-4.8c0-2.7 2.2-4.8 4.8-4.8 2.7.1 4.8 2.2 4.8 4.8zm11.2-7.4v14.9c0 2.3-1.9 4.3-4.3 4.3h-23.4c-2.4 0-4.3-1.9-4.3-4.3v-15c0-2.3 1.9-4.3 4.3-4.3h3.7l.8-2.3c.4-1.1 1.7-2 2.9-2h8.6c1.2 0 2.5.9 2.9 2l.8 2.4h3.7c2.4 0 4.3 1.9 4.3 4.3zm-8.6 7.5c0-4.1-3.3-7.5-7.5-7.5-4.1 0-7.5 3.4-7.5 7.5s3.3 7.5 7.5 7.5c4.2-.1 7.5-3.4 7.5-7.5z"></path></svg></span><span style="display:inline-block;padding:2px 3px;">William Stitt</span></a>

Clarent Bippen, 203rd Fastest human on the planet. Kinda hard to track down someone this fast. William Stitt

Fargo, ND – The F-M Observer continues to bring you scrumptious news du jour. Today, we briefly chronicle a visit from of one of the top sprinters currently walking running the Earth. Clarent Bippen, the officially ranked 203rd Fastest Man On The Planet, will speak to a group of aspiring sprinters at this year’s Fargo Track Meet.

We tried to get Mr. 200, but he was busy giving a sprinting gait seminar in Kalamazoo, Michigan. 201 was competing in a 3-legged race with 202 and so oh, well, we’re stuck with 203.

Bippen will talk to runners about what it takes to be one of the almost best. What it means to be ranked fairly high and how he got there. He’ll wax ecstatic about the ins/outs forwards/backwards of running then wax poetic about cracking the top 300 fastest humans alive barrier. Then he’ll probably blather on about shoe tread and whatnot. “Keep it on the straight and narrow” he’ll probably say. *yawn*

Someday he aims to crack the top 200, perhaps even compete in a national tournament. But, until then, he’s going as fast as he can towards wherever there’s a finish line. Wherever the road race takes him. Wherever literally anyone asks him to come talk about running for a bit.

So-Called Feng Shui Burglar Breaks Into Homes Only To Re-Arrange The Furniture

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Just imagine coming home only to find your furniture completely re-arranged!

Fargo, ND – Some home owners in South Fargo have recently been reporting having had their homes broken into, but nothing was stolen.

In each and every similar instance, these home break-ins resulted in re-arranged furniture, usually in the main living room, along with a signed note from the Feng Shui Bandit.

Based on reading all the notes, police have a pretty good idea of who they’re looking for: possibly a recently graduated interior design student who is obsessed with arranging furniture according to the ancient Chinese rules of Feng Shui.

Please let police know if someone has re-arranged your furniture whilst you may have been away for the weekend. However, many who come home after being hit by the Feng Shui Bandit are very nicely surprised at the new professional look their home now has.

Fargo Dog School Successfully Teaching Young Dogs To Communicate In English

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Just imagine your dog being able to converse in English!

Fargo, ND – A new dog school now teaches young dogs how to read and understand English as a first or second language.

Scientific studies have proven that graduates of this Dog School in Fargo can comprehend English spoken to them as commands (ie: Stop biting me!) and also just conversational chit-chat such as “How are you doing?”

Dogs that have completed two semesters of study have an understanding of English equal to a third grade child, while four semesters will put your doggy speaking and understand the English language at the tenth grade level of their human counterparts.

If you are interested in enrolling your puppy in Fargo’s Dog School but would like to first see a demonstration, every other Wednesday at the Fargo Public Library graduates of the Dog School will proudly show you that they can not only understand spoken English, but also speak, read, and even write it.

Busload Of Fargo Folks Heading To The Royal Wedding

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This beautiful bus will be bringing some very excited Fargoans to see the big Royal Wedding!

Fargo, ND – What started out as just a joking comment during some weekend beers in a garage has now turned into an official chartered bus that will be bringing a full busload of people from Fargo, North Dakota to attend the Royal Wedding in England.

“Yah, me and some of our neighbors kinda got this-here idea started, and then all of a sudden we got ourselves a full bus going to see Prince Hairy tie the knot with that Markle gal from America,” says Clyde Hammerschmidt of North Fargo.

Just in case they have any last-minute cancellations, please let Clyde Hammerschmidt know if you would like to be a stand-by substitute traveller to go see a once-in-a-lifetime chance to see a historical wedding of Royal proportions.

Nursing Home Residents Shocked When Told They Must Run The Full Fargo Marathon

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These residents are stunned when told that running the full Fargo Marathon is mandatory.

Fargo, ND – You can imagine the surprised shock when one of Fargo’s larger nursing homes told all of its residents that they each must run the full Fargo Marathon.

“Well, it just doesn’t make any sense! How am I supposed to run 26.2 miles at my age?” asked Mable Altenberg, who just recently turned 92 years old.

When we asked the executive directors of this particular nursing home why, they simply responded that the residents need to get out more and that they’ll each be happy about the decision after crossing the finish line.

Fargo Approves Funding For “Perv Park” Where Area Pervs Can Gather

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Fargo’s new Perv Park will be a gathering spot for area pervs to meet and greet others of their same ilk.

Fargo, ND – A somewhat controversial decision by the Fargo Park Authority is raising a few eyebrows.

Funding has recently been granted to create a so–called Perv Park.

This would be an area explicitly for local pervs to congregate and share stories, interests, and fears.

Some people against the idea wonder why tax dollars need to be spent on creating a special park just for pervs.

Those in favor of it say that there is a time and a place for everything according to timelines, budgets, interests, and votes.

How do you feel about Fargo creating a Perv Park?

Do you think having a park just for pervs is a good idea?

Can you think of something that would be more deserving of Fargo’s tax money?

Mind Expansion Seminars Can Help You Reach Beyond Your Full Potential!

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Consider your mind to be the final frontier of endless possibilities.

West Fargo, ND – Have you been thinking that up until now you have not been using the full power of your mind?

Do you sometimes wonder how much brain power is actually under the hood of your head?

The FM Observer is proud to announce that our dear friend Dr. Madison Pennix will be hosting some powerful and life–changing Mind Expansion Seminars in the FM area.

All subjects related to thinking, memory, logic, intuition, and cognition will be discussed in serious talks sprinkled with levity and personal anecdotes.

Please stop by our corporate headquarters to sign up for these free Mind Expansion Seminars but we do ask for a voluntary mandatory donation of $500 to help provide seminar leaders and special guests with enough food and drink to make them feel like rock stars during their time here.

Ironically, all the letters in Madison Pennix can be re-arranged to spell: Mind Expansion!