Author Archives: Cody Marthaller

About Cody Marthaller

I'm biologically human. Full-Time Superhero. Part-Time Human.

Minnetonka Prepares for First Annual “Milfoil-stival”

ppa_vlmp_milfoil1Excelsior, MN – After running out of reasons to pile boats into the lake, members of the Lake Minnetonka Event Planners have scheduled a celebration of the area’s most abundant natural resource: milfoil.

On August 30 and 31, the group will host the first annual Milfoil-stival in the Excelsior commons. Historically, this slimy, green aquatic plant has been viewed as a nuisance, but as it spreads to more lakes, Minnesotans are beginning to embrace its appealing texture and healing qualities.

Excelsior native Bert Underhill can hardly wait to reveal his new milfoil-based skin treatment at the festival.

“It’s really a great product, I use it all the time. All you do is rub it on your skin and after a few days, when the rash finally goes away, your skin will feel much better,” Underhill said.

Other product for sale will include milfoil salad, deep-fried milfoil on a stick, hand-woven milfoil hammocks and the increasingly popular milfoil hair extensions. “I’m going right for the hair extensions booth,” local teen Angie Stone said. “I’ve had them before and nobody could believe it wasn’t my real hair. Plus, it makes all of your weak, ugly hairs fall out and leaves the good ones.”

The festival will kick-off with an attempt to break the world record for most milfoil-transporting boat trailers towed at once. The chain will begin by picking its first trailer up in Lake Mille Lacs, and will continue to pick up trailers from over 25 lakes on its way down to Excelsior. During this time, competitions for most milfoil caught on one fishing lure, most milfoil transported by one trailer and, for the kids, most milfoil pulled out of Excelsior Bay in one minute.

While the festival is focused on fun and games, local politicians will have a booth advertising a petition to end the milfoil transportation guidelines that plague local boaters.

“It absolutely goes against the First Amendment to ask boaters to check their crafts for milfoil after leaving the lake,” lobbyist Sarah Shammond said. “Unlike the DNR, we appreciate this delicate species and will continue to foster its growth.”

Fargo Invaders Football Team

Bill Burns Makes The Fargo Invaders Team

Fargo Invaders Football Team

Follow the arrows and see Bill Burns at practice.


Fargo, ND – After an exhausting 2 weeks of waiting, the wait is finally over. Bill Burns has received word via postal mail that he did indeed make the Fargo Invaders football team. As you can see from the picture above, he was pictured practicing which confirms the rumors.  He can be seen working very hard.

It is not sure exactly what position Bill will be playing.  Coach stated that Bill is very useful and could prove helpful on and definitely off the field.  Activities such as making sure everyone has their underwear washed, bathroom cleaning, water boy etc etc are all positions we may see Bill play.

Bill is very versatile.

He can attack off field duties without a hiccup.  On-field he is a force to be reckoned with.  Maybe we will see him as second string punter or 4th string safety.

Just last week Bill sat in the same spot on the bench long enough to warm up that bench position spot to a toasty 70 degrees.  He did this to make sure the quarterback had a warm place to sit when off the field.  Now does that sound like a MVP or what?

Keep an eye on Bill Burns.  We can see records being broken first game.  Records all shattered by Bill Burns.

florida herpes monkeys

Herpes-infected Monkeys Terrorize Florida

florida herpes monkeysHundreds of rare wild monkeys — some carrying herpes — are on the loose in Florida after a tour guide brought the spunky critters to the state long ago.

Wildlife officials said that three pairs of Rhesus monkeys were transported to a park near Ocala in the 1930s by tour operator Colonel Tooey after a “Tarzan” flick sparked a fascination with the creature.

But the breed has since boomed and more than 1,000 of the monkeys now live in the state, wildlife officials say.

State officials have caught more than 700 of the monkeys in the past decade — most of which tested positive for the herpes-B virus.

Wildlife officials now consider the monkeys a public health hazard.

Read more….

fargo gate to hell

Scientists Discover A Gate to Hell In Fargo North Dakota

fargo gate to hellIn breaking news, scientists have literally discovered a gate to hell.

This fiery hole of death was found right here in a farm field north of Fargo, North Dakota.  The farmer who farms the land was doing his regular gallop to check out his crops when he noticed in the middle of the field, light coming out of a hole.  Farmer Joe got off his cow (he rides cows not horses) and walked towards the light.

“As I got closer I realized it was a fiery hole of death from hell!  I ran back to my cow and rode him home, scared, and soaking with sweat!”

Farmer Joe contacted the local authorities who in turn contacted local scientists around the Fargo/Moorhead area.  Five scientists were sent out the next day on their horses and confirmed that it actually is a legitimate gate to hell.

Could it really be?  Scientists say they are absolutely sure.  Fargo, North Dakota is a perfect spot for satan and his minions to open up a gate to hell, they say.  With winter five months out of the year and wind and rain two months out of the year, the town is filled with pain, misery, and hopeless dreams.

Is Satan and his minions planning an attack?  Using the gate to hell as a spawn point?  Or will they use it as a recruiting tool?  Or possibly a spot to sacrifice humans to please their leader?  We don’t know for sure yet.  Bill is trying to secure an interview with Satan himself but his assistants are being difficult dicks, he says.

Local authorities have blocked off all areas surrounding the hole from hell and stated they will arrest anyone who crosses the line or tries entering the hole.

Story is developing……

christian ponder

Christain Ponder To Play Kicker

christian ponderMinneapolis, MN  – Exciting and unusual news coming out of the Minnesota Vikings camp this morning.  The word on the street is that Christian Ponder will give up his quarterback position to play Kicker.

Leslie Frazier confirmed the news just this morning.

“We feel Christian Ponder is a great quarterback but an even greater kicker.  That is why, as of this morning, Christian Ponder will be our full-time kicker,” Frazier stated.

I asked how this position and Ponder came about in which he replied, “After seeing him kick the ball around out of frustration during training camp, I knew he’d make a great kicker.”

Joe Webb from quarterback to wide receiver.  Christian Ponder from quarterback to kicker.  The Vikings sure have a unique drafting strategy.

Oh yea, did anyone tell Leslie Frazier his new helmets don’t match the rest of the uniform?  Who’s smoking what in Minneapolis?

At least Mr. Ponder will have a better chance of scoring as a kicker then as a quarterback.

covering ears

Stop Yelling At Me

covering earsWhat is it with all the commercials these days.  In everyone they seem to be yelling at me or acting in threatening manors  What did I do?  Why do I deserve to be yelled at?  Do they not know that the volume increases when these commercials come on so there is no need to yell?  You are already annoying enough.

For example.  Watch the video below.  He isn’t really yelling, but the manor in which he acts is kind of threatening.  Meaning, if I don’t choose this school to learn to become a motorcycle mechanic, he will probably personally show up on my house with a bat, ready to kick my ass.



Here is another example.  Anthony Sullivan likes to yell…….a lot.  Why is he yelling at me?  It’s just a fucking grater plater!  Stop yelling at me about it.


Now, I do have a hypothesis of how these came to be.  It is quite possible, Macho Man Randy Savage’s fault.  Ok Randy, I’ll buy a Slim Jim, but only because you’re yelling.


So, I’d like to use the FM Observer as a communications medium in order to communicate to you commercial people to stop yelling at me.  It’s pointless, aggravating, and stupid.  So stop it.