Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

Professional Pie Shoppe Franchise Opportunity

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Our pies taste as good as they look.

Pie Town, NM – Franchise opportunity possibilities are available for interested and motivated persons.

Professional Pie Shoppe Franchise Opportunity Corporation wants to soon open a store in your neighborhood.

The PPSFOC is looking for pie-loving people to partner for profit.

All pies are sold for their trade-marked price of $3.14159, plus tax.

To keep costs down, most of the help is done by pie-loving “volunteers” who offer their time and efforts (until they find out they’re not getting paid).

Due to the low price point, tips are accepted and even encouraged, much appreciated and almost mandatory.

At all of the franchised Professional Pie Shoppes, the types of pies that are available for sale make the full alphabetical circle, from A to Z:

Apple Ala Mode Pie
Blueberry Best Pie
Cherry Sex Pie
Dorm Party Pie
Enchilada Mexi-Pie
Fruitcake Fun Pie
Green Goblin Key Lime Pie
Huckleberry Finn Pie
Iguana Wanna Eat Pie
Jack Horner Little Pie
Kiwi Klondike Krazy Pie
Lemon Bon Bon Pie
Muggle Mud Pie
Nutritional High Pie
Oprah Chocolate Pie
Personal Pecan Pie
Quince Jellystone Pie
Red Rum Spicy Pie
Sam Shepard Pie
Turkish Coffee Pie
Unicorn Horny Pie
Very Vampire Pie
Willy’s Wonka Pie
Xtra Xcellent Pie
Yucca Yam Pie
Zebra Mussel Pie

If interested in starting your own clone of the original Professional Pie Shoppe, simply leave a comment to this post, or google the “Professional Pie Shoppe Franchise Opportunity Corporation”. Once you’ve somehow made contact with the corporate offices, ask for Carla and tell her you want to “partner for profit”.

West Acres Tunnel Fargo

Fargo To Build System Of Tunnel Roads

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In Fargo, tunnels just make a heck of a lot of sense.

Fargo, ND – In a last-ditch effort to save downtown Fargo, smart city planners are planning a federally-funded feasibility study to investigate the likely possibility of connecting struggling downtown Fargo to the ever-popular West Acres area through a complicated system of underground tunnels.

These tunnels would be both walkable and drivable and also include a drive-thru petting zoo along with a large underground drive-thru food court serving everything from tacos to lefse to zebra mussels.

Mitchal Graham, the city’s long-time Food Czar, is quite sure that the demand for lefse in this quirky northern area is perhaps maybe comparable to that of tacos, even on Taco Tuesdays. Mitch continues: “We also discovered a wonderful Russian recipe for zebra mussels, which now seem to be in plentiful supply locally.”

After multiple set-backs in their long-fought efforts to save the metro region from frequent 500-year floods, top city leaders say it’s time for a diversion to The Diversion.

Rather than continuing fruitless work to route Fargo-Moorhead’s flood-prone Red River around West Fargo’s nifty Sheyenne Diversion system, “We are going to have a little fun and try changing horses midstream”, says council-person Stone Chatman.

“All of a sudden, the boring FM flood diversion project has turned into a way more fun project that will finally connect the weird Downtown crowd with the more up-scale West Acres shoppers”, Stone explains.

When axed about the process that led to changing horses mid-stream, it was explained to our FMO website by a “real person” who wanted to remain under a total cloak of anonymity, that going through the whole slow process of having meetings and discussions that go off on long tangents, answering stupid questions from citizens who know nothing, and then finally voting a simple “yea” or “nay”, all sometimes leads to ultra-stupid solutions that make absolutely no sense what-so-ever.

“Sometimes you just have to follow your gut feelings and just do something spontaneous that you know is right for the community”, our cloaked annonymous informant whispered.

As for the Zebra Mussel recipe, continue to follow this trust-worthy website for all the latest details about how you too can turn an aquatic nuisance species into a delectable dish fit for a president.

Elmo Charged With DUI and Public Disturbance

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Elmo lawyers up

Queens, NY – One of the most recognizable and loved celebrities on television has been charged with a DUI and could face some serious consequences. Elmo is best known as one of the muppet superstars from the long-running children’s television series, Sesame Street. Unfortunately, he is also quickly becoming known for his questionable behavior off the set.

Recently, some eye-witnesses said that Elmo was swerving from side to side in his Mercedes-Benz all the way down Sesame Street. He allegedly side-swiped multiple cars and finally crashed into the garbage can of Oscar The Grouch, who was luckily not home at the time. According to the official police report, Elmo’s blood alcohol level was twice the legal limit for muppets.

Elmo’s defense team is headed up by Kermit The Frog who told the press that Elmo categorically denies all of the charges. Kermit went on to say that Big Bird is to blame for daring Elmo to a popular drinking game called “Flip, Sip, or Strip!”. The game involves flipping a coin and while it’s in the air, calling heads or tails. If guessed correctly, the coin gets passed to the right. If incorrect, it gets passed to the left, and the player must either take off one article of clothing or drink a shot. Obviously, compared to the more diminutive Elmo, Big Bird would have a huge advantage when consuming alcohol, due to his much larger body mass.

Possible charges for the red muppet include community service, some stiff fines, and up to 6 months in a muppet jail which houses some of the most undesirable muppets from the New York/Queens area.

Elmo certainly has DUI troubles, but now also faces a public relations problem. Asked about how he feels regarding getting in trouble while being idolized by countless children, Elmo responded: “Elmo needs to look out for Elmo. It’s time all those kids grow up and learn about the real world.”

Back in late 2012, Elmo was again in the headlines for some “improper sexual conduct” with a Sesame Street staffer named Kevin Clash. This alleged relationship was never proven but did cause Mr. Clash to lose his job on Sesame Street.

James Barrie, an expert in celebrity downfalls, summed it up this way: “Life is a long lesson in humility. Hopefully, Mr. Elmo will learn his lesson, unlike the chronically problematic Lindsay Lohan.”

Dr. Finance Answer$ Your Money Question$

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Dr. Finance knows money!

(Ask your financial questions in the comment section below for Dr. Finance to answer!)

Mrs. Blanch Gladstone asks: Our home is worth less than what we owe on it. What can we do?

Dr. Finance responds:

Dear Blanch, this is a very timely question that affects many Americans today, as well as numerous illegal aliens. You have what we call an upside-down home loan mortgage resulting in negative equity.

When you owe more than your home is worth, you could either decrease the amount you owe on it, or do things to increase the value of your property. Since it’s difficult to decrease the amount you owe, and because refinancing is probably not an option, let’s look at some things to increase the property’s value:

  1. Add a bathroom or two and possibly some granite countertops
  2. Push to have a new school built in your neighborhood by attending local school board meetings
  3. Paint your home a wild color and creatively market the house as being “haunted”
  4. Since you’re trying to stay “afloat” with your “underwater” mortgage, you might want to add a swimming pool!

Otherwise, you might want to:

  1. Sell your place at its appraised value and “owe the lender” the difference
  2. Just walk away and change your name
  3. Allow a foreclosure and hope for the best
  4. Declare bankruptcy and hope for less than the worst
  5. Try to sell at the highest possible price point by having an on-line auction via eBay
  6. Start a church (like I did) and gain some nice non-profit tax benefits, plus the weekly cash-flow from the offering plates
  7. Sell raffle tickets for some lucky person to win your house, (and whether or not you actually pick a “winner” is totally up to you)
  8. Increase your monthly cash-flow by either turning your garage into a multi-person bed & breakfast, or get a part-time job as a fast-food sales representative.

Now Blanch, if all else fails, try writing a long letter to our friends at the Federal Government and hope like hell that they give you some basic assistance through the Home Affordable Refinance Program (HARP). However, the chances of this happening are slim to none if you voted Republican in any of the recent elections.

If I may close with a famous quotation from the venerable Franz Kafka: “So long as you have food in your mouth, you have solved all questions for the time being.”

(Feel free to ask any financial questions that you may have in the comment section below for Dr. Finance to answer.)

Boeing 787 Is (Almost) A Dream Machine

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Bad Dream Liner

Bad Dream Liner

Except for a few minor glitches, the new Boeing 787 Dreamliner could be the most ultra-modern and problem-free passenger airplane ever assembled by union hands.

The limited list of petty problems that have popped up so far includes:

  1. electrical problems due to faulty wiring
  2. oil leaks from the engines
  3. parts breaking off in the engines
  4. faulty fuel lines causing in-flight fuel leaks
  5. exploding batteries
  6. brake problems
  7. cracking cockpit windows
  8. occasional appearance of “smoke” in the cockpit

Other than those trifles, the new Dreamliner is pretty much a problem-free dream machine.

Unfortunately, some naysayers are contending that “bad dream” is a bit closer to the actual truth.

But Boeing is quite confident that any and all of these so-called “snags” will quickly be put to rest so that passengers can rest easy on this new dream plane which has aptly been called the Dreamliner.

Gay Love Donkeys To Be Married

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Gay Love Donkeys

Gay Love Donkeys

Fargo, ND – A couple of gay Love Donkeys will soon “tie the knot” at the local zoo. It’s believed to be the first known pair of gay Love Donkeys in captivity to be married within the confines of a zoo-type environment.

Rev. Matt Tramoni, the zoo pastor, says he believes we’ll be seeing more and more of this type of thing. “Now that gay marriage amongst zoo animals has been legalized under a new federal law, I believe this could be just the tip of the iceberg”, says Pastor Matt.

The zoo trainer admits that the donkeys, Carlton and Cortez, have been life-mates ever since they moved to this zoo. “Even though they couldn’t make it official up until now”, explains Julie Whitebear, “these two have been a paragon of matrimony in all facets of their beautiful donkeyed relationship.”

Apparently, they’re planning on having a private ceremony in the zoo chapel. However, a public reception is being planned for the Spring. Carlton and Cortez are registered at all the top shops. They particularly like sweet snacks and colorful clothing.

Lunatics Banned From Washington DC

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Former pugilist Hairy Reid

Washington, DC – Back in December of 2012, Congress temporarily set aside its gridlock in an unusual bipartisan effort to ban the word ‘lunatic’ from all federal legislation. The new law was designed to remove outdated or demeaning language from existing US code.

The word “lunatic” had become politically incorrect since it was insensitive to werewolves or anyone descended from werewolves. It derives from “Luna”, the Latin word for moon, and “Tic”, the nervous twitch often associated with crazy people.

One of the sponsors of the measure was North Dakota Senator Kent Conrad. He believes that federal law should reflect modern science, and that we should no longer refer to lunatics as lunatics. As their solution, the old derogatory word is to be replaced with either: Moon Units, Idiots, Mental Midgets, or Progressives.

The House of Representatives voted 398-1 in support of the bill, after the Senate approved the motion back in May. After passing both houses of Congress, the bill could then be passed on to President Obama for his auto-pen signature.

Interestingly, the one “no” vote came from a Texas lunatic who had the crazy idea that Congress should spend its time on more important matters, such as trying to prevent the entire country from going over a fiscal cliff.

In a related effort, the Senate is considering trying to pass a new rule that would essentially ban any former comedians from becoming members of the United States Senate. The honourable Senator Al Franken’s initial reaction to this was, “What, is this some kind of joke or something?”

NDSU Bison scared Sam Houston

Sam Houston Having Nightmares About Bison

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Bison-itis

Huntsville, TX – The Sam Houston BearKat football players are not sleeping well these days. After their nationally televised 39-13 humiliation by the North Dakota State University Bison, many of their squad members are reporting being haunted by recurring bad dreams. These nightly nightmares involve being chased by a large group of angry, stampeding bison.

Losing two consecutive national championships to the same team is apparently taking its toll. It’s now being referred to as “Bisonitis”.

The Sam Houston University school nurse says she’s never seen anything like it. “These boys are really messed up” says Nurse Ratchit.

Some of the players, who wished to maintain total anonymity, expressed their desire to never have to play the Bison again. One player said: “Just imagine, having a recurring dream about being stampeded, by a herd of angry buffalo.” The girlfriend of another player sadly confided: “My boyfriend, who plays on the BearKat football team, is no longer the same person that he used to be before their big loss.”

And it’s not just the football players that are affected, but also the coaches, some university teachers, and the general SHU student body. The head of the psychology department thinks they might need to bus in counselors to their campus that have special training in sports-related mental trauma.

Tom Cruise Certain Scientology Not A Hoax

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Tom Cruise Certain Scientology Not A Hoax

Kook or Visionary?

Hollywood, CA – World famous movie star and maverick is adamant that Scientology is not a hoax. Our affiliate Hollywood reporter, Tojo Saxton, has some interesting new information about all this.

FMO: Tojo, what’s going on out there?!

TJ: Well, as one of Scientology’s top gun leaders, Tom Cruise feels so strongly about this whole matter that he will soon be launching a bus tour called the “Not A Hoax” Cruise Bus. It’s slated to hit all 57 states, and bring convincing evidence to the people that Scientology is definitely not a hoax.

FMO: What sparked this whole bus tour concept?

TJ: Tom Cruise is very passionate when it comes to this subject. He believes that people who choose to speak out against Scientology “don’t know didley squat”. He does admit that the infamous South Park episode really hurt his church, especially the part that explained “This is what Scientologists actually believe”.

FMO: Do you have any details about the cruise bus?

TJ: Yes. Apparently the bus will be fully equipped to help Tom in his quest to demonstrate that Scientology is for real. Tom and his staff will be able to analyze prospective new members and get them signed up. At that point, Tom usually recites his famous phrase, “Show me the money!”, as Scientology is far from free. Mr. Cruise believes that by proving his system of religious beliefs is not a hoax, many folks will want to begin their own personal Scientological journey, if you will.

FMO: Thanks, Tojo!

Tojo Saxton has a Masters degree in Celebrity Studies from UCS (University of Celebrity Studies in California) and has been a latent affiliate reporter for FMO since OJ was locked up.

Cat Receiving Social Security Checks

Cat Receiving Monthly Social Security Checks

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Cat happily still receiving a monthly social security check.

Missoula, MT – Cat owner was “surprised as hell” when her young cat started receiving a monthly social security check. What started out as an apparent system glitch has compounded itself into some nice additional income. Connie Tompkin’s cat, Fritz, started receiving a monthly social security check about a year and a half ago.

“The first checks, made out to ‘Fritz Tompkins’, were in the amount of $687.50” explains Connie. “Fritz and I both thought they would eventually just stop on their own. But instead, the amount of the checks has recently been increased to $803!”

Regarding what’s being done with the money, Connie has been endorsing and cashing the checks, since she is Fritz’s legal guardian with full power-of-attorney. Connie says that a small part of the money is being donated to the local humane society, since that’s where she and Fritz first met. The rest of the money is going into a “vacation fund” for both Fritz and Connie. They’ve taken a series of trips to some cat-friendly destinations, and are currently planning a two-week stay on Catalina Island.

As for the glitch, no one from the Social Security Administration was willing to comment on this matter, except for saying that it’s not really happening.