Category Archives: Entertainment

Tom Cruise Certain Scientology Not A Hoax

Tom Cruise Certain Scientology Not A Hoax

Kook or Visionary?

Hollywood, CA – World famous movie star and maverick is adamant that Scientology is not a hoax. Our affiliate Hollywood reporter, Tojo Saxton, has some interesting new information about all this.

FMO: Tojo, what’s going on out there?!

TJ: Well, as one of Scientology’s top gun leaders, Tom Cruise feels so strongly about this whole matter that he will soon be launching a bus tour called the “Not A Hoax” Cruise Bus. It’s slated to hit all 57 states, and bring convincing evidence to the people that Scientology is definitely not a hoax.

FMO: What sparked this whole bus tour concept?

TJ: Tom Cruise is very passionate when it comes to this subject. He believes that people who choose to speak out against Scientology “don’t know didley squat”. He does admit that the infamous South Park episode really hurt his church, especially the part that explained “This is what Scientologists actually believe”.

FMO: Do you have any details about the cruise bus?

TJ: Yes. Apparently the bus will be fully equipped to help Tom in his quest to demonstrate that Scientology is for real. Tom and his staff will be able to analyze prospective new members and get them signed up. At that point, Tom usually recites his famous phrase, “Show me the money!”, as Scientology is far from free. Mr. Cruise believes that by proving his system of religious beliefs is not a hoax, many folks will want to begin their own personal Scientological journey, if you will.

FMO: Thanks, Tojo!

Tojo Saxton has a Masters degree in Celebrity Studies from UCS (University of Celebrity Studies in California) and has been a latent affiliate reporter for FMO since OJ was locked up.

Young Local Chess Master Has Big Plans

CHESSCLUB1pm1

Check-mate!

Fargo, ND – A young local chess prodigy wants all home-schooled children to form teams. Cooper Sterling has been a chess master since age six. He claims that being home-schooled really allowed him to excel in areas of personal interest to him. His parents found out early on that chess was a talent he was born with when he embarrassed a traveling chess grandmaster at the young age of four.

“One drawback to being home schooled, however, is you don’t get to be on any teams”, Cooper said. He would like to start out by forming a local chess team of other home-schooled children. “From there, the sky’s the limit”, he added, with a smile.

Cooper eventually would like to form home-schooled teams to compete with local schools in debate, ping-pong, and even some track & field events. As for Cooper, he also has some personal goals set for his next few years. They include: marketing his own line of Think & Thrive board-games, and designing and building his own underground home.

Flo Rida I Cry Sucks

Terrible Song Lyrics of The Week – Flo Rida (I Cry) – 01/06/2013

Flo Rida I Cry SucksThis isn’t the first time I’ve read some song lyrics and it left me completely speechless, confused, and scared at the same time.

This weeks Terrible Song Lyrics of The Week are from the Artist named Flo Rida (because he rides flows?) from the song I Cry (We all do flo.  We all do.)  The track was first released on September 18, 2012 as the fourth single from his fourth studio album, Wild Ones.

Ok, let’s get started.  But, there’s a problem.  I don’t know where to start.  I’ve read the lyrics from I Cry and it made ME cry because it was so TERRIBLE and CONFUSING.  See below.

I know you wanna get behind the wheel Only 1 Rida
Eyes shut still got me swimming like a diver
Can’t let go I got fans in Okinawa
My heart to japan quake losers and surviours
Norway no you didn’t get my flowers
No way to sound better but the killer was a Coward
Face just showers, the minute in a hour
Heard about the news all day went sour
Lil mama got me feeling like a limit here
Put you in the box just the presidents cigarettes
Give em my regards or regardless I get arrested
Ain’t worried about the killers just the young & restless
Get mad coz the quarter million on my necklace
DUI never said I was driving reckless
You & I or jealously was not oppressive
Oh no I can’t stop I was Destined

You know those people who have legit and severe Attention Deficit Disorder?  Where a conversation goes like this:

ADD Person: Hey.  What’s up?  You see Adrian Peterson run over everyone last week?  It was awesome.
Me: Yea.  He ran like a….
ADD Person: Uh Huh.  Yea.  Man the government spends too much.  Don’t ya think?
Me:  Well they certainly….
ADD Person:  I have to poop.
Me: You have to what?
ADD Person: Was that a bird or a bat outside?  Is it raining?  Damn, I have to go grocery shopping today.

Well, that is basically Flo Rida.  A terrible singer and songwriter with severe attention deficit disorder.

Can anyone read those lyrics and figure out W….T…..F Mr. Flo Rida is talking about?  Because I can’t.  He’s all over the board.  One sentence he says, “Norway no you didn’t get my flowers” and in the very next he says, “No way to sound better but the killer was a Coward.”  I can’t even make fun of it because it makes absolutely zero sense and I’m so confused.  After reading those lyrics I’m pretty sure you or your worthless writer just looked in the dictionary, closed your eyes, and randomly pointed at words then put them together to try and form a sentence.

Mr. Flo Rida, your lyrics are definitely terrible.

Fargo FM Observer Pimp Cup 2

Official FM Observer Pimp Cup

Ladies and gentlemen, lay your eyes on the official FM Observer Pimp Cup.  It’s a cup.  It’s a shaker.  It’s even a flashlight.  If you run out of bullets, use the ones that are fashioned around the base of the pimp cup.  This is the beginning and the end.  The alpha and the omega.  It’s everything everyone has ever warned you about.

Death Metal Band Name Ideas

Death Metal Band Name Ideas #2

Death Metal Band Name Ideas

My first post of death metal band name ideas was so helpful, I’m providing my services yet again.  Below is post #2 of death metal band name ideas.  Again, please thank Bill Burns or the FM Observer if you use any of the ideas below for your band.  Any of these names are sure to get your band started off the right foot and kicking ass all over the planet.

Unicorn Dicks of Death
Ass Fisters of Furry
Fatal Rotting Diseased Grandmas
Chronic Vommit
Robot Abortion
Revolting Baby Dismemberment
Cadaver Fuckers
Fat Roll Slammers W/Piss Farts
Death Devourment
Ball Sack Explosion
Chemical Plague
Lethal Snot Bomb
Pit Spike
Ginger Goats of Masturbation
Poo Stew
Diseased Breast Implants
Cock Grinder
Elephant Rapers
Cyclops Hookers
Bucket of Evil Tits
Stool Soup
Toilet of Acid
Coffin Robber Pimps

and last but not least…..

The Fart Fuckers On Acid Mountain of Morbid Carcass Masturbation Chevy Truck Bed Skunk Piss Barbie

Terrible Song Lyrics of The Week – Ke$ha (Die Young) – 12/30/2012

Ke$ha_die_youngThe feature of this weeks ‘”Terrible Song Lyrics of The Week” is the one and only Ke$ha from her oh so terrible song ‘Die Young.’  Die Young is a single off her album Warrior.

Young hunks, taking shots
Stripping down to dirty socks
Music up, gettin’ hot
Kiss me, give me all you’ve got
It’s pretty obvious that you’ve got a crush (you know)
That magic in your pants, it’s making me blush (for sure)

These young hunks are taking shots and stripping down to their socks.  First of all, that’s illegal.  You can’t get nude in a bar dummy!  I’ve seen some wild drunks but I’ve never seen young hunks taking shots stripping down to dirty socks.  Second, you have nude hunks in their dirty socks and now they are dancing on the dance floor?  I’m confused.  That just wouldn’t fly.  Third, some people may have a crush on you but I sure don’t.  That magic in my pants that you speak of is that of a boner DYING.  So if that makes you blush, your priorities are pretty low.

In summary, you have naked hunks, nude down to their dirty socks, dancing around with boners.  Fannnntastic.

You can see the rest of the lyrics below.  Although, if nobody hears from you after reading them, I’ll assume you drowned yourself in gasoline and set yourself on fire.

“Die Young”

I hear your heart beat to the beat of the drums
Oh, what a shame that you came here with someone
So while you’re here in my arms
Let’s make the most of the night like we’re gonna die young

We’re gonna die young
We’re gonna die young

Let’s make the most of the night like we’re gonna die young

Let’s make the most of the night like we’re gonna die young

Young hearts, out our minds
Running ’til we outta time
Wild child’s lookin’ good
Living hard just like we should
Don’t care who’s watching when we tearing it up (You Know)
That magic that we got nobody can touch (For sure)

Looking for some trouble tonight (yeah)
Take my hand, I’ll show you the wild, side
Like it’s the last night of our lives (uh huh)
We’ll keep dancing ’til we die

I hear your heart beat to the beat of the drums
Oh, what a shame that you came here with someone
So while you’re here in my arms,
Let’s make the most of the night like we’re gonna die young

We’re gonna die young
We’re gonna die young

Let’s make the most of the night like we’re gonna die young

Let’s make the most of the night like we’re gonna die young

Young hunks, taking shots
Stripping down to dirty socks
Music up, gettin’ hot
Kiss me, give me all you’ve got
It’s pretty obvious that you’ve got a crush (you know)
That magic in your pants, it’s making me blush (for sure)

Looking for some trouble tonight (yeah)
Take my hand, I’ll show you the wild side
Like it’s the last night of our lives (uh huh)
We’ll keep dancing ’til we die

I hear your heart beat to the beat of the drums
Oh, what a shame that you came here with someone
So while you’re here in my arms,
Let’s make the most of the night like we’re gonna die young

I hear your heart beat to the beat of the drums
Oh, what a shame that you came here with someone
So while you’re here in my arms
Let’s make the most of the night like we’re gonna die young

We’re gonna die young
We’re gonna die young

Let’s make the most of the night like we’re gonna die young

Death Metal Band Name Ideas

Death Metal Band Name Ideas

Death Metal Band Name Ideas

In an effort to help out any new death metal bands around the area struggling to think of a name for their band, I’ve included some death metal band names you may use below.

Please give fmobserver.com credit if you end up using one of them.  These names will surely please everyone.  If any of these don’t help you out, stay tuned for part 2 of this list coming soon.

 

Dragon Testicle Death Punch
Bloody Intestine Hangers
Ass Hair Death Fire
Cunt Cutters
Necrophilia Anal Puke
Fatal Decay Skull Death Piss Fart
Eye Dagger Blood Spit
Colon Fire Of Death
Morbid Fetus Disfiguring
Decapitated Diarrhea
Scorn Flesh Droppings
Bullet Burial
Hooker Hunter
Gypsy Ballsack Impalers
Bloody Giraffe Polar Bear Kicker
Chainaxe Saw Blow Murder Blood Puddle

….and last but not least

Puke Pissing Digested Anal Neck Eye Socket Infected Poop Stool Dumper

Punk Rocker Booed For Not Vomiting On Stage

Fargo, ND – Local punk rock group Fist Munch was met with a flurry of boos after frontman Jason “DickRash” Regal failed to perform his customary mid-song vomit during a gig at the Aquarium last night. DickRash is widely known for his projectile vomit routine during the band’s hit song “Vomitosis”. His ritual consists of leading into the end chorus screaming his fucking guts out and ralphing all over the front row.

Fans were heard screaming at DickRash: “Where’s the spew, bro!” and “We want the vomit!!” “Hoark on us, maaaan!” A female patron was heard, yelling “Puke on me, DickRash! Shower me with your stinky stomach jizz!!” Another distressed fan was seen crying and blowing chunks all over the mosh pit in an effort to placate the rest of the crowd.

As soon as the boos died down, DickRash apologized to the crowd, saying “Sorry I couldn’t mouth-jizz on you freaks. I drank all the cat piss at the last gig.”

DickRash vowed to puke himself silly during the band’s next show.

Album Review: Chimaira/Chimaira

Chimaira- Chimaira (2005)

Chimaira’s self-titled follow up to Impossibility Of Reason is not what you’d call “picking up where the band left off” but a turn in a darker, more intense direction of songwriting and guitar playing. Impossibility Of Reason came out in the year 2003 as their 3rd official studio album, the follow up to their major-label debut Pass Out Of Existence. The band toured relentlessly throughout a two-year period to promote IOR. They paid visit to small venues and arenas, their live performance reflecting the supersonic power of their studio work. This garnered them a legion of fans who i’m sure have eagerly anticipated their 4th release.  Through the creation of their first three albums, Chimaira have honed their songwriting and musical skills that have made the album Chimaira their very best. To get an idea of the band’s sound (for those of you who haven’t listened) one has to imagine this hideous mixture: A Slipknot/Metallica hybrid fueled by Jagermeister and suffering from an uncontrollable fit of ‘roid rage.  

This album has been widely considered as a kind of “epic” with songs as long as five to seven minutes in length, sans the repetitiveness and monotony you might expect. This provides a broader spectrum of experimental guitar riffs and solos sequenced with a decent mix of sampling that doesn’t go overboard. The album of course has what made Chimaira
famous- Mark Hunter’s screaming vocal talents as well as Rob Arnold’s lightning-quick guitar riffs that will make your blood shake. The song “Nothing Remains” shows true emotion on display as it was written on the very same day Dimebag Darrel Abbott was murdered. The same goes for the albums closing track “Lazarus”, a meaningful, brooding 7 & 1/2 minute mind-bender written about a friend who committed suicide 11 years ago. With Chimaira, the band evolves into a more mature and involved sound but doesn’t escape from the amped-up heaviness fans have come to expect.  

My favorite song on this disc is “Salvation”, and my very hard to choose least favorite song is “Inside the Horror.” “Salvation” contains a furious breakdown starting at about the 3:10 point that pretty much defines what metal is supposed to sound like. Unbeatable. “Inside the Horror” is my least favorite song simply because it’s the only song that lacks the sonic ferocity all the other tracks possess. I felt that what this album is missing is maybe a track or two containing some slower, drawn out riffs and a small amount of vocal melody. However, such is not part of this particular group’s M.O. They will come at you with blitzkrieg-style guitar shredding and a guttural scream that would force Coldplay through the nearest wall. All in all, I give this album a definite 10 out of 10 as one of my favorites and also one of the best metal albums ever produced.

Sample and buy the album HERE

Interview With King Buzzo of The Melvins

Buzz plays an aluminum guitar (hence the sliver finish) which gives him a very distinct sound.

Buzz plays an aluminum guitar (hence the sliver finish) which gives him a very distinct sound.

The Melvins have been around. And around. They are one of the most consistent rock bands of all time, ever since the inception of grunge in the late 80s/early 90s. They’ve made their mark on the rock & roll landscape by writing music and touring relentlessly throughout America and abroad for almost 30 years.

This year, a three-piece version of the band titled Melvins Lite that includes Buzz Osborne (more affectionately known as King Buzzo), drummer Dale Crover and stand-up bassist Trevor Dunn are attempting to make rock & roll history by touring 51 states in 51 consecutive days. The Guiness Book of World Records will be watching as the band starts September 5th in Anchorage, Alaska, then makes their way through every state in the mainland (including Washington, DC) and ends up in Honolulu, Hawaii.

I caught up with King Buzzo to get his thoughts on what has been a busy year so far that is sure to end on a high note…

LISTEN TO THE AUDIO VERSION (starts at 1:00 mark): Interview with Buzz Osborne

Buzzo: (phone ringing) Hey sorry, I was winding up my last interview.

Nick: How’d it go?

Buzzo: It was good. Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Where are you at?

Nick: Fargo, North Dakota. I’m with the FM Observer.

Buzzo: North Dakota? We’ve never actually played in North Dakota. We’ve played across the river from Fargo, but I think it was still Minnesota.

Nick: Yeah, that would be Moorhead…

Buzzo: Yeah. Right there. We’ve technically never played in North Dakota, so…

Nick: This will be new then. The crowd’s gonna be ready for you.

Buzzo: Oh yeah. They’re gonna eat us alive.

Nick: Yup. It’ll be college town, USA by the time you roll through.

Buzzo: Nobody likes us more than college kids. Us and college kids get along real well.

Nick: I bet.

Buzzo: I never went to college, so…that seems obvious!

Nick: (laughs)

Buzzo: Funniest thing is: any of my buddies who are most successful with their own businesses–none of them ever went to college! (laughs)

Nick: No, of course not!

Buzzo: Two of the guys I know just went straight into the service. (laughs)

Nick: So, let’s talk about the 51 in 51 tour. One of the most innovative and aggressive touring gameplans i’ve ever heard of. How did this idea come about?

Buzzo: I’ve heard about it since I was a kid…George Thorogood trying to do this and even says that he did it, but I know that he didn’t because I was a George Thorogood fan in 1980 when he tried to do it and I remember that he canceled it. His memory seems to have fogged at this point because I know he didn’t do it and if he did do it, why isn’t he the Guiness World Record holder which he’s not?

Nick: Exactly! He’s not in the book. It doesn’t count unless you’re in ink!

Buzzo: I talked to Guiness and they said ‘absolutely not, there is no George Thorogood’ which means that Thorogood didn’t do it. They don’t even know anything about that.

Nick: They’ve never even heard of him?

Buzzo: The thing is, after that, George got really famous for his “Bad to the Bone” song and he was surrounded by people who would’ve loved that publicity, so instead, what he did is just said that he did it.

Nick: Ah. Well, if you have people surrounding you that will believe anything you say…

Buzzo: What is the old saying? “Bullshit makes the world go ’round?”

Nick: I think that’s it.

Buzzo: I’m all for it! I am not above a publicity stunt, and that’s all that it was.

Nick: Of course not!

Buzzo: Of course not. We’re entertainers. Just like Evel Kinievel or anybody else, you know. We have to do something ridiculous!

Nick: Yeah, if it’s not something somebody hasn’t seen before…

Buzzo: Well, if everybody could do it, then it wouldn’t be a big deal. So that’s what we want. We want to try to do it. We’ve done tours where we’ve done, like, 30 some shows in a row so it’s not that many more. If you’re gonna do something like this, you’ve gotta do it right. You’ve gotta go out with a bang. Boom boom boom. Make it happen! Start in Alaska, end in Hawaii.

Nick: I cannot wait!

Buzzo: Yeah, so we’ll play Sioux Falls, SD the night before (Fargo). We’ve already played Sioux Falls, SD once with Nine Inch Nails.

Nick: No kidding?

Buzzo: Yeah. A long time ago. We also played there with Helmet as well, on July 4th, 1997. I might be wrong about that date, but i’m pretty sure. Can’t remember the name of the club, but I remember the date and the year! (laughs)

Nick: (laughs) That’s unbelievable!

Buzzo: Yeah, that’s pretty crazy. I remember years and dates like that and I don’t even know why.

Nick: Amazing. That’s like, 15 years and 1000 gigs ago. How do you remember that?

Buzzo: I don’t know. I can remember all kinds of stupid shit. I remember the venue we played with Nine Inch Nails. It was a brand new venue and Nine Inch Nails did $30,000 in damage to their dressing room that night. Sioux Falls. I remember that.

Nick: What?? (laughs)

Buzzo: That was on their “Downward Spiral” tour. It was good. So, we’re really looking forward to this. We’re gonna play North Dakota. If you’re gonna play North Dakota, you gotta play Fargo. Where else are you gonna play?

Nick: Well, that’s probably the best city North Dakota has as far as entertainment goes…

Buzzo: We figured we’d have the best time in Fargo. That’ll be good. Driving there, you’re thinking driving across Montana will never end and then you get to North Dakota and you think that will never end! (laughs)

Nick: Oh, that’s not a joke. Plus, Fargo has electricity now, so that’s a bonus!

Buzzo: Yeah, it’s way out in the middle of nowhere. You could hide from the world there, you know?

Nick: There was an 800 foot-high generator that had been powering the entire city for the last hundred years or so.

Buzzo: I don’t doubt it. Still burning buffalo chips up there.

Nick: (laughs)

Buzzo: Yeah, but like you said, that’s a big college town, so anytime there’s a college town in any state, it means there’s an influx of culture and anytime there’s an influx of culture that means there’s outside forces coming in that are gonna make thing happen that wouldn’t normally happen in a town like that. College towns have always been real nice to us. Always a good thing. I don’t have any problem with that. I’m an urban guy. I grew up out in the woods, so I want to end my life surrounded by city. Some of us don’t like nature. (laughs)

Nick: Lot of mosquitoes up here too, just for the record. I thought i’d let you know in advance but it’s not like you’re gonna be galavanting out in the woods or anything.

Buzzo: Yeah I probably won’t. It’ll probably be me, the hotel room, and the gig. That’s it. The next day we play in Minneapolis so we’re looking forward to that, too. All of it is good, you know. This is gonna be a really good thing to do. It started when we were trying to figure out if we could do this Melvins Lite thing with Trevor Dunn, so a little over a year ago we played 5 shows here in California in little places like San Diego, Fresno and San Luis Obispo to see how it would go and it went great. While we were doing that, I realized we didn’t have as much gear so I realized we could do this 51 shows in 51 states tour and we could actually make it work. That’s kind of how it happened. Then, I go ‘if we’re going to do that tour, we’ve got to put a record together’ so that’s how the FREAK PUKE record happened. Then we had that whole tour booked a year out. A year ago last fall we had this whole tour booked but we didn’t announce it ’til June after our tour with the Melvins regular lineup that includes the Big Business guys. We had both those tours booked at the same time plus the Canadian tour we just finished with the Melvins Lite. I usually don’t leave any stone unturned in that department. I like to plan ahead when I plan.

Nick: Yeah. Planning 51 in 51 a year in advance would probably be wise.

Buzzo: It was wise. I also didn’t want our promoters to know that they had us over the barrel either. But we didn’t ask them for anything outrageous. All we wanted was that date so the deal we have in Fargo would be the same deal we would have any time we would play there. We try to be as realistic as possible with every promoter we ever play with because we want to be able to come back and do another show with them.

Nick: Oh yeah. The door will always be open in Fargo.

Buzzo: Yes, we want everyone to have a good experience and we will do our best to have that happen.

Nick: Nice. So, how has the chemistry been onstage with the stand up bass? I know you guys have played with Trevor before this year…

Buzzo: Oh it’s been great. Trevor is a tremendous musician. That’s the thing. He’s also a smartass. That all helps. If you can’t deal with people making smart-ass comments, you probably shouldn’t be a musician. The previous tour went really well. I knew it would. I’d seen him play a number of times before this, but not quite in the same rock-type thing that we’re doing, but I knew it would work. Once I started thinking about songs for the FREAK PUKE record, it all just kind of fell together. So now, we have both versions of the band that are gonna go and I would think probably next year you could probably anticipate us doing a tour with both lineups of the band at once.

Nick: Interesting…

Buzzo: All we’re doing is adding one more guy. Also, this year…and I think this is also a first. I might be wrong about this, but I think it’s a first…we also have an EP coming out at the end of August that will be just in time for this tour. A 4-song EP on Amphetamine Reptile records that is the Melvins 1983 lineup doing new material.

Nick: Reuniting with Mike Dillard, is that right? Getting the original group back together?

Buzzo: Yup. That’s right. So, what we did instead of having the original bass player who, at this point i’m going to say is acting like a brat which is why we’re not using him.

Nick: (laughs)

Buzzo: We’ll use Dale Crover, our normal drummer who plays bass, and Mike Dillard plays drums. So it’s as close as we’re gonna get to the ’83 lineup. I wrote some new songs and we even recorded an old cover song by a band called The Lude that they never recorded but we had a demo of and they told us that we could record it if we wanted to, and basically gave us the song. It’s a song we used to play back then. It’s a 4-song EP and I think we’re the only band that has ever done 3 releases in one year with 3 separate lineups of the band! (laughs)

Nick: I was gonna say, you’ve got BULLS AND THE BEES, FREAK PUKE and MELVINS 1983 coming out back-to-back-to-back in the same year! I don’t think it’s been done.

Buzzo: Maybe. Maybe Frank Zappa did it, but I doubt it.

Nick: I don’t know…it would be tough to pull off back in the 70s…

Buzzo: I don’t know either. He was a pretty hard worker. I actually saw Zappa in 1981, believe it or not.

Nick: 1981??

Buzzo: Yeah. I was in 11th grade. (laughs) Frank Zappa was quite a head spin to put on an 11th-grader.

Nick: (laughs) Wow. What was I doing in 11th grade? Picking my nose in the high school parking lot, more than likely…

Buzzo: My parents had no idea what I was doing in 11th grade, i’ll tell you that. Definitely not driving 100 miles to see Frank Zappa play, know what I mean? Fortunately, my parents didn’t really care what I did. It was good.

Nick: Ah, yeah. That would give a guy a certain amount of freedoms.

Buzzo: I didn’t really care what they thought, and I didn’t get into any trouble, so it was all fine. The best part was that in the end, I don’t know if they ever had much hope for me or that any of this stuff was gonna turn out, but i’m not asking them for money, you know?

Nick: I think you’re doing all right.

Buzzo: I think the less you have to hand your offspring money, the better. (laughs)

Nick: Exactly (laughs). So, how much time are you guys giving yourself for each stop? You have a gig each day for 51 consecutive days. Are you sleeping on the road, or how will that work?

Buzzo: Well, we set it up with a lot of foresight, and I worked very hard with our booking agent to book these states on these specific days and these specific towns. That’s why we did it a year in advance, so we couldn’t fuck it up.

Nick: That’s smart, because–Austin, TX? Texas is big! You’ve got a lot of ground to cover between Austin and the next stop.

Buzzo: We’ve got to go from Baton Rouge, Louisiana to Austin, then to Norman, Oklahoma. That’s a long drive. You’ve got to understand…the freeway system in Texas is actually pretty nice.

Nick: Norman, Oklahoma?

Buzzo: Norman Oklahoma is just behind Oklahoma City. Straight north from Austin.

Nick: That’s got to be about a 6-hour drive…

Buzzo: Easily 6 hours.

Nick: Whoa.

Buzzo: But we’re not babies. What are we, a bunch of old women? Not at all! We’re grown men. It’s just driving. It’s not a big deal. People freak out about driving. I’ve never understood that. I love to drive.

Nick: Long highways, the open road. Not a ton of concerns.

Buzzo: I love it! One of my favorite things to do. I don’t like buses, and besides, this is the kind of tour you can’t do on a bus. You have to be behind the wheel. I want to be behind the wheel most of the time. We’re not going to be able to do this forever. The more hell you raise as a child, the sweeter the memories, you know? I want to have stuff to talk about when i’m almost ready to die.

Nick: You’ll never quit playing music, though, right?

Buzzo: Well, you know, most of those blues guys never quit and every time the Rolling Stones get on stage, that makes it OK for us to do it. (laughs)

Nick: Yeah! As long as they’re still throwin down jams, then anybody can.

Buzzo: They make it OK. Old people today know what rock and roll is all about. They were shaking their ass to it in the 50’s, so nobody’s going to give me any shit. We’re law-abiding citizens, by and large. This will be a fun thing to do. I’m really looking forward to it. We did this across Canada earlier this year. We didn’t play every day, but it gave us a chance to see if this Melvins Lite thing would work and it worked beautifully. I’m really happy we could have all this going.

Nick: Cool. How is it working out sonically with the stand-up bass? Is the ferocity and the loudness still there on stage?

Buzzo: You’re not going to have any problem.

Nick: Didn’t think so…

Buzzo: It works really well. We started with it playing big shows in places like Edmonton, Canada which is way farther north than Fargo and they had no problem with it. So, if they had no problem with it, I can’t imagine who will.

Nick: Nice. So are you guys keeping track of tour progress online at all?

Buzzo: Yes we are! Spin Magazine. If you look on our Facebook page you can see this thing that we did, something along those lines with Extreme Magazine in Canada (on the last tour). We will be doing a similar thing with Spin Magazine and I have a couple more ideas that I don’t want to talk about at the moment. I don’t want to ruin the surprise. Plus, along with everything else we’ve done, we’ve got a whole bunch of different releases planned for next year, too.

Nick: Releases? Plural? As in, more than one?

Buzzo: Next year is our 30th anniversary.

Nick: There must be some groundbreaking stuff coming next year.

Buzzo: Yeah. We’ll do 30 shows next year. We’ll play 30 songs a night (laughs). We’ll play venues that only hold 30 people.

Nick: (laughs) VIP only!

Buzzo: First 30 people get a free beer. How about we play a gig every 30 days! (laughs) See, the ideas never end! We’ll only play 30 minutes (laughs). Or we’ll play 30 30-minute gigs.

Nick: Or–put 30 shows together in advance, and announce the gig the night before on Facebook or something…

Buzzo: Yeah. You never know. We’ll just do Kickstarter. Whatever cities give us the most money is where we’ll go. (laughs)

Nick: When the tour concludes in Hawaii, what will you guys do to celebrate? Maybe a Hawaiian vacation is in order?

Buzzo: I think i’m just gonna come home. I like L.A. That’s where I wanna be. I’m not a big beach guy, believe it or not.

Nick: Maybe learn to surf?

Buzzo: Nah, I don’t like that. I like other outdoor activities, but not that. Too much sand and stupid people.

Nick: Going to hop on a bird and get the hell out of Honolulu?

Buzzo: I probably will. I tour all the time, so being home is like a vacation for me. We still do 85-120 shows a year, and we have for 20 years. It’s a bonus to be home.

Nick: I hear ya.

Buzzo: Look, I take what I do seriously and I love what I do. I don’t take it lightly. It’s an honor and a privilege to be a musician and going out and playing music to fans all over the whole world.

Nick: The fans know that and they respect that. I’m a fan, so I can tell you straight up.

Buzzo: We know that. We never stop and we never have. Trends come and go, but we just keep changing which is fine with me. Most of the assholes that i’ve dealt with in the music industry, it’s been my experience that all you have to do is wait and the assholes will be gone. You’ve got a promoter in some city like Cleveland or somewhere who is telling you you’ll never have lunch in that town again, but all you have to do is wait ’em out and they’re gone! We’re the last band standing.

—END—

The Melvins Lite play at the Aquarium in Fargo on September 18th. BUY TICKETS HERE

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