Category Archives: National

New Jersey Governor Making Fat Be Cool

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ORKFESTpx1

Will work for food.

Mendham, NJ – New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is changing the perception of fatness. What used to be a “problem” that needed to be “corrected” is now becoming a virtue that makes a person more respected and have more gravitas.

In flaunting his expansive obesity, Governor Christie has been sending a message that it is not only OK to be fat, but it’s actually cool and something of which one can be proud.

Governor Christie has been making a name for himself politically by trying to tighten the belt of New Jersey’s budget and put a stop to pork-barrel spending in his state. But personally, he has been doing just the opposite. While fighting a war in his state to cut excessive waste, his own waist has expanded excessively.

In a direct response to New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s recent ban of sugary drinks larger than 16 ounces, Governor Christie decided to ban any soda pop sales in containers less than 16 ounces.

From the New Jersey capitol rotunda, the rotund Chris Christie recently announced a new challenge to students of all ages in his state. Similar to the “Be Like Mike” Gatorade commercials, Governor Christie’s new program is called “Eat Like Chris”. The program invites the next generation to be like the Governor and fill out their figures by eating as much as they want and don’t worry about getting any exercise.

Any students who reach a weight-to-height ratio of 70 pounds per vertical foot will earn the new prestigious Governor’s Honor Award and be invited to an all-you-can-eat buffet at the Governor’s mansion.

So, for example, any New Jersey students who are 4.5 feet tall would need to weigh a minimum of 315 pounds to reach Governor Christie’s challenge goal.

Rather than being embarrassed by all the jokes about his weight, Governor Christie is showing others that those jokes will only hurt you if you let them hurt you.

Jimmy Fallon once joked that Gov. Christie probably thought that the Gaza Strip was a type of steak and spoke of the Governor’s heroic effort to bravely rescue a Tostito that fell into his artichoke dip. But the fact that all those jokes don’t bother the Governor is really helping others to put on more pounds of their own and feel good about it.

Look for Gov. Krispy Kreme to continue to throw his weight around while weighing in on weighty decisions. He can always be counted on to continue fighting against raising taxes on fast food, or food, in general, of any type.

Carrot Top To Visit Afghanistan In Peacemaking Venture

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Top, Carrot

Top, Carrot

Las Vegas, NV – Dennis “The Worm” Rodman, fresh back from his visit to North Korea, says to the press that “Kim Jong-un just wants Obama to call.” Although this saga is far from over, it teaches us a simple lesson: Sometimes all you need to do to make peace is reach out and touch someone.

Not one to be outdone, famous prop-comedian Carrot Top is making efforts to bridge the gap between these United States and the war-torn country of Afghanistan.

Top will be having his passport stamped en route to a visit with top Al-Qaeda brass this week in what he’s calling a “follow-up to what the Worm did” so eloquently in North Korea. Top states that “laughter is the best medicine” and that “all those terrorists need is a series of visual prop jokes” to ease their hatred for our country.

Top, with help from the CIA, is slated to arrive at a secret Al-Qaeda hideout as early as this Wednesday. He will ride in on a camel and be armed to the teeth with his trunk full of props in an effort to win over the terrorist organization.

If anyone can do it, Carrot Top can. Godspeed, ye hilarious redhead!

UPDATE: Driving Dog Monty Refused Bail After Arrest

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Stop resisting!

Stop resisting!

Auckland, New Zealand — Human law enforcement is being tough on Monty, the famous car-driving schnauzer. Recently, Monty has been serving time in tha Dogg Pound after being detained for the charges of speeding and resisting arrest.

The long-legged lapdog was popped by a New Zealand patrolman for driving well over the speed limit, and upon confronting the officer, allegedly became belligerent. A detailed account of the day’s events was provided by the arresting officer:

 

“I asked the suspect numerous times how fast he thought he was going. He said nothing; just sitting there drooling. After he refused to answer any of my questions, I became agitated. I told him he needed to step out of the car. That’s when he started resisting. I opened the door to detain him and he began growling, snarling at me, like some kind of animal! I had no choice but to call for backup and forcefully arrest the uncooperative perp.”

 

The arrest preceded a court appearance in which Monty, barking angrily at the judge while his lawyer answered questions, was denied bail due to unnecessary courtroom outbursts bordering on contempt.

How unfortunate. What was once considered a unique story of a dog bridging the canine-human gap has now turned ugly. We sincerely hope they teach Monty how to ‘speak’ and ‘shake hands’ before things get really out of control and he ends up serving hard time.

Drive-thru Coffee Shop Peep Show Shut Down

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Please pull forward to the first window (for the naked)

Thank you, drive thru (for the naked)

Everett, WA – As initially reported by Reuters, three Seattle-area baristas have been taken into custody for selling cleave, bush and nip shows via the Grab-N-Go drive-thru windows in which they worked.

Citizens in the area became (for some reason) agitated over this alleged ongoing peep show taking place in their wholesome(?) drive-ups. Reports finally came in to police headquarters, prompting an investigation.

The unnamed baristas-turned-strippers had been under investigation by Everett City Police for a period of weeks. A very detailed, thorough operation containing multiple trips through the Grab-N-Go peep shop.

Many, many exchanges of money for skin were initiated by undercover police. Officers began to grow very suspicious when some peculiar drive-thru menu items were added:

  • Venti Titty Latte – $19.95
  • Iced Skinny Bushy Frappucino – $29.95
  • Grande Titty Bushy Blended Coffee – $49.95

The three skinny skin saleswomen were placed under arrest after undercover police gathered enough evidence to build a case. Visual evidence, monetary transactions, coffee with a side of titty, etc.

Field goal is good because of Jesus!

Pope Benedict XVI Resigning To Become Head Coach of Penn State Football

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Field goal is good because of Jesus!

Field goal is good because of Jesus!

Pope Benedict XVI shockingly and abruptly announced his resignation earlier this week after nearly eight years as the head of the Catholic Church.

Pope Benedict XVI is the first pope to resign in over 600 years.  He is also the first pope to utilize Twitter, who must have had help and direction from god himself to get that working.

What is the pope going to do now?  Well it isn’t retirement that’s for sure.

The Pope has been hired to head coach the Penn State football team effective the beginning of next month.

 

We feel Pope Benedict XVI to be everything we are looking for to lead this fine football team here at Penn State — Anita Bure (public relations)

We feel his hands-on experience with the youth is second to none and it’s just what we need for our program — Assistant Coach

Wednesday, Pope Benedict XVI celebrated his last public Mass as pontiff in which he had this to say:

“As you know, I’ve decided to renounce the ministry.  I know this may come as a shock to all of you but this may be even more shocking.  I’ve been hired head coach of the Penn State football team. I know I know…crazy you say.  However, with my connections with the lord jesus christ, Penn State needs all the help they can get.  I also have extensive hands-on experience with the innocent children here on earth and I really feel this will transition well into their football program.”

The Pope will make his final public appearances later this month

 

Dog Show Winner Actually A Polar Bear!

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POLARBEARpm1New York, NY – The 137th Annual Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show has been rocked by scandal.

Shortly after the Best-In-Show winner was named at Madison Square Garden, it was discovered that the winning dog was actually a polar bear cub, named Knut.

Obviously, this development is a huge embarrassment to this most prestigious and longest-running dog show.

The owners and handlers of the imposter “dog” are Amak and Akrittok Arjalinerk from the Yupik Eskimo tribe, which currently resides in north-central Alaska.

Mr. and Mrs. Arjalinerk had apparently entered the young carnivore into the dog show, not knowing that polar bears cannot compete in this canine-only event.

Inexperienced dog show officials must have initially assumed young Knut was legit, and categorized him as an American Eskimo Dog, which belongs in the Non-Sporting Group.

After winning his best-of-breed competition amongst all the other American Eskimo dogs, Knut went on to wow the crowd that watched the Non-Sporting Group competition.

Judge Florence Males of Pleasant Hill, CA was completely fooled by the bear cub as she named him winner of the Non-Sporting Group, which qualifiied Knut to participate in the final Best-In-Show competition.

Unbelieveably, the Best-In-Show judge, Michael Dougherty, named the polar bear to be the ultimate winner of 137th Annual Dog Show.

Mandatory blood testing after the dog show revealed that Knut was, in truth, a member of the animal Family Ursidae (Genus Ursus), which undeniably proves that the dog show winner will one day grow to weigh 1,500 pounds by eating a steady diet of seals, walruses, and probably a few stray dogs.

New Flashcards Make Learning Chinese Easy

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chineseflashcardsPM1

Learning to speak Chinese has never been so easy!

China Town, CA – Have you always wanted to be able to speak fluent conversational Chinese, but thought it was too difficult to learn? When eating at a Chinese restaurant, have you often wondered what the owners are saying?

Now, because of a new break-through in learning the Chinese language, you too can be speaking perfect Chinese in a matter of weeks. The Flash-Learn Company has put together a new set of language flashcards that make it possible for anyone to easily learn how to speak and understand Chinese.

Most Americans already know that the Chinese way of saying Table Tennis is “Ping Pong”. Many know how to order some favorite Chinese dishes such as “Egg Foo Young” in the native Chinese tongue. But beyond that, Chinese has been almost impossible to learn…until now!

Chinese characters are known as pictographs. Each flashcard has a picture of the word, along with its associated English term, and finally the actual authentic Chinese pictographs. (Click on the above picture to zoom in on an actual example flashcard!)

Scientific studies have shown that a basic functional literacy of the Chinese language requires a knowledge of between three and four thousand characters. Mandarin Chinese has 21 consonants and 16 vowels. They can be combined together to create more than 400 mono-syllabic sounds. The Flash-Learn company has done all the work for you by putting together one complete set of flashcards to make learning Chinese easy peasy.

Quiz yourself or team up with a partner. Start team competitions for some real fun!

Here’s what some real people are saying about these amazing flashcards:

  • Morton Philips: “I had no idea that learning to speak Chinese could be so easy.”
  • Lori Lingle: “Not only can I now speak fluent Chinese, but I understand all that chatter at the Chinese restaurants.”
  • Dick McScott: “These flashcards helped me land my dream job of being a translator for multiple government agencies.”

Order now, and you will get all of the Flash-Learn flashcards for only $19.99, plus shipping and handling.

But wait…if you order one full set of flashcards for the price of two, the Flash-Learn Company will give you one extra set for free!

Go ahead and order now, and don’t be the last comrade on your block who can speak fluent Chinese.

Professional Pie Shoppe Franchise Opportunity

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PIE1pm1

Our pies taste as good as they look.

Pie Town, NM – Franchise opportunity possibilities are available for interested and motivated persons.

Professional Pie Shoppe Franchise Opportunity Corporation wants to soon open a store in your neighborhood.

The PPSFOC is looking for pie-loving people to partner for profit.

All pies are sold for their trade-marked price of $3.14159, plus tax.

To keep costs down, most of the help is done by pie-loving “volunteers” who offer their time and efforts (until they find out they’re not getting paid).

Due to the low price point, tips are accepted and even encouraged, much appreciated and almost mandatory.

At all of the franchised Professional Pie Shoppes, the types of pies that are available for sale make the full alphabetical circle, from A to Z:

Apple Ala Mode Pie
Blueberry Best Pie
Cherry Sex Pie
Dorm Party Pie
Enchilada Mexi-Pie
Fruitcake Fun Pie
Green Goblin Key Lime Pie
Huckleberry Finn Pie
Iguana Wanna Eat Pie
Jack Horner Little Pie
Kiwi Klondike Krazy Pie
Lemon Bon Bon Pie
Muggle Mud Pie
Nutritional High Pie
Oprah Chocolate Pie
Personal Pecan Pie
Quince Jellystone Pie
Red Rum Spicy Pie
Sam Shepard Pie
Turkish Coffee Pie
Unicorn Horny Pie
Very Vampire Pie
Willy’s Wonka Pie
Xtra Xcellent Pie
Yucca Yam Pie
Zebra Mussel Pie

If interested in starting your own clone of the original Professional Pie Shoppe, simply leave a comment to this post, or google the “Professional Pie Shoppe Franchise Opportunity Corporation”. Once you’ve somehow made contact with the corporate offices, ask for Carla and tell her you want to “partner for profit”.

Elmo Charged With DUI and Public Disturbance

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ELMO2pm1

Elmo lawyers up

Queens, NY – One of the most recognizable and loved celebrities on television has been charged with a DUI and could face some serious consequences. Elmo is best known as one of the muppet superstars from the long-running children’s television series, Sesame Street. Unfortunately, he is also quickly becoming known for his questionable behavior off the set.

Recently, some eye-witnesses said that Elmo was swerving from side to side in his Mercedes-Benz all the way down Sesame Street. He allegedly side-swiped multiple cars and finally crashed into the garbage can of Oscar The Grouch, who was luckily not home at the time. According to the official police report, Elmo’s blood alcohol level was twice the legal limit for muppets.

Elmo’s defense team is headed up by Kermit The Frog who told the press that Elmo categorically denies all of the charges. Kermit went on to say that Big Bird is to blame for daring Elmo to a popular drinking game called “Flip, Sip, or Strip!”. The game involves flipping a coin and while it’s in the air, calling heads or tails. If guessed correctly, the coin gets passed to the right. If incorrect, it gets passed to the left, and the player must either take off one article of clothing or drink a shot. Obviously, compared to the more diminutive Elmo, Big Bird would have a huge advantage when consuming alcohol, due to his much larger body mass.

Possible charges for the red muppet include community service, some stiff fines, and up to 6 months in a muppet jail which houses some of the most undesirable muppets from the New York/Queens area.

Elmo certainly has DUI troubles, but now also faces a public relations problem. Asked about how he feels regarding getting in trouble while being idolized by countless children, Elmo responded: “Elmo needs to look out for Elmo. It’s time all those kids grow up and learn about the real world.”

Back in late 2012, Elmo was again in the headlines for some “improper sexual conduct” with a Sesame Street staffer named Kevin Clash. This alleged relationship was never proven but did cause Mr. Clash to lose his job on Sesame Street.

James Barrie, an expert in celebrity downfalls, summed it up this way: “Life is a long lesson in humility. Hopefully, Mr. Elmo will learn his lesson, unlike the chronically problematic Lindsay Lohan.”

Crazed Gun Owners Planning Government Takeover Defense Strategy

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We must protect this house!

We must protect this house!

Birmingham, AL – Deranged gun zealots across the nation are banding together in a show of defiance over the Obama administration’s looming gun law initiatives. A gun guy in Alabama is leading the charge by launching a web forum where concerned gun owners can go to congregate.

Bronk Chinters of Birmingham, Alabama has started the Protect This House coalition via his website www.protect-this-house.org.

It stands to serve as a virtual message board that concerned gun owners can use to brainstorm and share strategies on how to best defend against a governmental takeover. Mr. Chinters:

“We fear that the Obama administration is poised to use executive order to outlaw our high-powered weapons. If we don’t take action on this before it’s too late, the National Guard will proceed upon us with enough force to steal our guns and create a totalitarian state. I don’t know about you, but I sure as shit couldn’t take down a tank with a semi-automatic pea shooter. Gonna need my assault weapons and a gameplan in order to defend against such an action.”

Guns don't kill people...

Guns don’t kill people…

Chinters went on to say that he and his “unit leaders” are developing “lock and load” strategies on the website that, in the event of a government takeover, could be used to organize and establish various “defense hubs” around the nation.

What would these defense hubs do, if so provoked? Preliminary strategy indicates they would suit up with riot gear, barricade themselves in a fortress and point their assault rifles at the government until the government sees that giant collection of guns and decides to retreat. Or something like that. Their strategies do not dictate a means to an end.

Protect This House seems convinced that they could take action against the United States government if they had to, but neither the coalition nor any other crazed gun owner has been able to establish a plausible exit strategy for their defense movement.

Gun owners who wish to participate in the effort can visit www.protect-this-house.org for more information. However, in the event that such a website did not exist, it would be every man for himself if the government did decide to completely ruin itself and the country via a hostile takeover.