Category Archives: National

Boeing 787 Is (Almost) A Dream Machine

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Bad Dream Liner

Bad Dream Liner

Except for a few minor glitches, the new Boeing 787 Dreamliner could be the most ultra-modern and problem-free passenger airplane ever assembled by union hands.

The limited list of petty problems that have popped up so far includes:

  1. electrical problems due to faulty wiring
  2. oil leaks from the engines
  3. parts breaking off in the engines
  4. faulty fuel lines causing in-flight fuel leaks
  5. exploding batteries
  6. brake problems
  7. cracking cockpit windows
  8. occasional appearance of “smoke” in the cockpit

Other than those trifles, the new Dreamliner is pretty much a problem-free dream machine.

Unfortunately, some naysayers are contending that “bad dream” is a bit closer to the actual truth.

But Boeing is quite confident that any and all of these so-called “snags” will quickly be put to rest so that passengers can rest easy on this new dream plane which has aptly been called the Dreamliner.

New device streamlines ignoring calls and texts

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MetaWatch

MetaWatch

Las Vegas, NV – One of the big reveals at last week’s Consumer Electronics Show in Vegas was a revolutionary new smartphone device. The device is considered an application as it works in conjunction with the iPhone to alert you of incoming calls/texts/notifications. Not in the way you’re thinking, however. This new type of “app” comes not in the form of software for the iPhone, but in the form of hardware! Yes, MetaWatch smart watch pushes incoming iPhone alerts via bluetooth directly to your wrist!

The innovators at MetaWatch kept the importance of ignoring alerts in mind when they created this device. Today’s young adult is constantly on-the-go with meetings, appointments and other important events so saving time is of the essence. MetaWatch helps answer the important question: What could we do to circumvent the prompt answering of texts and calls? Bingo! We can separate the notification from the actual device so we can screen calls without even touching the phone. 

Let’s be honest–are we not having to touch the iPhone to properly address the notification anyway, thus actually rendering MetaWatch as a slight inconvenience? Yes, but initial hipster reaction has still been very positive:

“It’s just easier than switching screens on the phone I’m already staring at all day.”

This innovative new hardware is poised to streamline the ignoring of calls and texts. Neglect incoming inquiries faster than ever before with METAWATCH.

Lunatics Banned From Washington DC

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Former pugilist Hairy Reid

Washington, DC – Back in December of 2012, Congress temporarily set aside its gridlock in an unusual bipartisan effort to ban the word ‘lunatic’ from all federal legislation. The new law was designed to remove outdated or demeaning language from existing US code.

The word “lunatic” had become politically incorrect since it was insensitive to werewolves or anyone descended from werewolves. It derives from “Luna”, the Latin word for moon, and “Tic”, the nervous twitch often associated with crazy people.

One of the sponsors of the measure was North Dakota Senator Kent Conrad. He believes that federal law should reflect modern science, and that we should no longer refer to lunatics as lunatics. As their solution, the old derogatory word is to be replaced with either: Moon Units, Idiots, Mental Midgets, or Progressives.

The House of Representatives voted 398-1 in support of the bill, after the Senate approved the motion back in May. After passing both houses of Congress, the bill could then be passed on to President Obama for his auto-pen signature.

Interestingly, the one “no” vote came from a Texas lunatic who had the crazy idea that Congress should spend its time on more important matters, such as trying to prevent the entire country from going over a fiscal cliff.

In a related effort, the Senate is considering trying to pass a new rule that would essentially ban any former comedians from becoming members of the United States Senate. The honourable Senator Al Franken’s initial reaction to this was, “What, is this some kind of joke or something?”

NDSU Bison scared Sam Houston

Sam Houston Having Nightmares About Bison

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NDSUBisonPM1

Bison-itis

Huntsville, TX – The Sam Houston BearKat football players are not sleeping well these days. After their nationally televised 39-13 humiliation by the North Dakota State University Bison, many of their squad members are reporting being haunted by recurring bad dreams. These nightly nightmares involve being chased by a large group of angry, stampeding bison.

Losing two consecutive national championships to the same team is apparently taking its toll. It’s now being referred to as “Bisonitis”.

The Sam Houston University school nurse says she’s never seen anything like it. “These boys are really messed up” says Nurse Ratchit.

Some of the players, who wished to maintain total anonymity, expressed their desire to never have to play the Bison again. One player said: “Just imagine, having a recurring dream about being stampeded, by a herd of angry buffalo.” The girlfriend of another player sadly confided: “My boyfriend, who plays on the BearKat football team, is no longer the same person that he used to be before their big loss.”

And it’s not just the football players that are affected, but also the coaches, some university teachers, and the general SHU student body. The head of the psychology department thinks they might need to bus in counselors to their campus that have special training in sports-related mental trauma.

Tom Cruise Certain Scientology Not A Hoax

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Tom Cruise Certain Scientology Not A Hoax

Kook or Visionary?

Hollywood, CA – World famous movie star and maverick is adamant that Scientology is not a hoax. Our affiliate Hollywood reporter, Tojo Saxton, has some interesting new information about all this.

FMO: Tojo, what’s going on out there?!

TJ: Well, as one of Scientology’s top gun leaders, Tom Cruise feels so strongly about this whole matter that he will soon be launching a bus tour called the “Not A Hoax” Cruise Bus. It’s slated to hit all 57 states, and bring convincing evidence to the people that Scientology is definitely not a hoax.

FMO: What sparked this whole bus tour concept?

TJ: Tom Cruise is very passionate when it comes to this subject. He believes that people who choose to speak out against Scientology “don’t know didley squat”. He does admit that the infamous South Park episode really hurt his church, especially the part that explained “This is what Scientologists actually believe”.

FMO: Do you have any details about the cruise bus?

TJ: Yes. Apparently the bus will be fully equipped to help Tom in his quest to demonstrate that Scientology is for real. Tom and his staff will be able to analyze prospective new members and get them signed up. At that point, Tom usually recites his famous phrase, “Show me the money!”, as Scientology is far from free. Mr. Cruise believes that by proving his system of religious beliefs is not a hoax, many folks will want to begin their own personal Scientological journey, if you will.

FMO: Thanks, Tojo!

Tojo Saxton has a Masters degree in Celebrity Studies from UCS (University of Celebrity Studies in California) and has been a latent affiliate reporter for FMO since OJ was locked up.

Cat Receiving Social Security Checks

Cat Receiving Monthly Social Security Checks

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Cat happily still receiving a monthly social security check.

Missoula, MT – Cat owner was “surprised as hell” when her young cat started receiving a monthly social security check. What started out as an apparent system glitch has compounded itself into some nice additional income. Connie Tompkin’s cat, Fritz, started receiving a monthly social security check about a year and a half ago.

“The first checks, made out to ‘Fritz Tompkins’, were in the amount of $687.50” explains Connie. “Fritz and I both thought they would eventually just stop on their own. But instead, the amount of the checks has recently been increased to $803!”

Regarding what’s being done with the money, Connie has been endorsing and cashing the checks, since she is Fritz’s legal guardian with full power-of-attorney. Connie says that a small part of the money is being donated to the local humane society, since that’s where she and Fritz first met. The rest of the money is going into a “vacation fund” for both Fritz and Connie. They’ve taken a series of trips to some cat-friendly destinations, and are currently planning a two-week stay on Catalina Island.

As for the glitch, no one from the Social Security Administration was willing to comment on this matter, except for saying that it’s not really happening.

Mitt Romney Doing “Just Fine” After Losing Election

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Mitt-Romney-Political-Cyborg2San Diego, CA – The 2012 Presidential election lived up to the hype as one of the more polarizing elections in political history. The ups and downs of debating, campaigning, gaffing, 47%-ing, and polling helped create some of the most entertaining democracy of all time. Business as usual will continue for President Obama, but the Observer was left to wonder how Mitt Romney is coping after the election.

 

The Observer caught up with the former Republican nominee at his home in San Diego for a little one-on-one…

FM Observer: Hello, Governor Romney. Thanks for taking the time to sit down with me.

Mitt Romney: Oh, ha ha. You’re welcome. You can call me Mittledon.

FMO: Mittledon?

MR: Yes, Mittledon. It is my given name.

FMO: Ok…Mittledon… Thank you for having me. Now that the campaigning and election hoopla is over, how are you and the Mrs. spending your time these days?

MR: Ann and I are fine. We have been fine and will be. Ann enjoys to snippet pictures of reasonably-priced goods from newspaper mailings. I have taken up the hobby of the reading of web publications.

FMO: So, Ann clips coupons and you are an internet addict? Is that accurate?

MR: Yes, completely.

FMO: Hm. Lovely. Is this retirement? Are you effectively retired from your work as a politician?

MR: Ha ha, not entirely! I will still consult for the office of Massachusetts Governor as a private consultant. Ann with her charitable work. I also spend time with my many children, Tagg, Batt, Rigg, Mock, and Fudd.

FMO: Are your children getting into politics?

MR: They are not.

FMO: (confused)…uh…ok. So, tell me, your work as a private investor has proven to be a very successful venture. Do you have any advice for young people who want to get into investing?

MR: Certainly. I would tell them to make smart decisions for the good of the company you are investing for. Money is a tool, and a very valuable one. The more tools a company has, the more prepared it is to function in an American society. Get your tools, polish them, center them and use them to help the business. Would you like to see my tool collection?

FMO: Yes.

MR: (Mittledon leads me into his master bedroom. In it, I am shown a king-sized bed constructed out of laminated $100 bills. It is magnificent.) This is how Ann and I keep our bed at night.

FMO: Jesus…it’s…breathtaking.

MR: I know, it is. I have one just like it back home in Boston. The mattress is stuffed with a mixture of shredded $100 bills and Orca whale blubber. The softest, richest mattress the planet has ever known.

FMO: This is just fantastic. You’ve done very well for yourself, Mittledon.

MR: Ann and I thank you for saying so. (We leave the bedroom)

FMO: So what’s next for Mitt Romney? Do you have a 5-year plan in mind?

MR: Ann and I will take our time deciding. I suspect I will be called upon to assist with various aspects of political prowess for the Republican party. If so, that is fine. If not, there may certainly come a time in which I will be asked to donate my body to science. Would you like to ask a follow-up question to that statement?

FMO: (confused again) Um…sure. (long pause)…Why would you consider donating your body to science, Mittledon?

MR: I am comprised of a fusion of mechanic microorganisms and people flesh. There was an experiment done many years ago, well ahead of its time. I am the result of that experiment. Ha ha, but the details of that experiment are for another time. Ann and I thank you, you should go now.

FMO: (I lock eyes with Mittledon. I notice a very rapid quivering of his pupils.) Ok, Mr. Romney I thank you for the opportunity! 

MR: You. Are welcome.

Instagram Changes Terms Of Service

Instagram Changes Terms Of Service. Users Threaten To Stop Taking Shitty Pictures.

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Instagram Changes Terms Of ServiceFargo, ND – On Monday, Instagram, the popular photo app and website, updated its terms of service.  This left its large user base unhappy and threatening to stop taking shitty pictures and leaving the app and website all together.

Instagram stated:

Some or all of the Service may be supported by advertising revenue. To help us deliver interesting paid or sponsored content or promotions, you agree that a business or other entity may pay us to display your username, likeness, photos (along with any associated metadata), and/or actions you take, in connection with paid or sponsored content or promotions, without any compensation to you. If you are under the age of eighteen (18), or under any other applicable age of majority, you represent that at least one of your parents or legal guardians has also agreed to this provision (and the use of your name, likeness, username, and/or photos (along with any associated metadata)) on your behalf.

You acknowledge that we may not always identify paid services, sponsored content, or commercial communications as such.

 

Basically, Instagram wants to sell your shitty pictures to companies that may want to use them.

This didn’t sit well with it’s users.  They took to facebook and twitter, as well as collectively voiced their disdane on every blog they could find.  Some actually deleted their accounts.  But get this, some actually put down their phone and bathed, ate, and called their significant other to try and savor whatever relationship they had left.

You see, instagramers are always instagramming.  There is no time for anything else.  One instagrammer stated, “It’s like a drug.  Everything I see I feel the NEED to take a picture of it and totally destroy it with instagram.  Like yesterday, I took a dump, and totally had to take a picture of it.  I turned shit into worse shit.  You see?”

Instagram was just testing the waters.  They wanted to see how much they could get away with and seemed to have crossed the line a tish too much.  Today they came out with a reply:

The language we proposed also raised question about whether your photos can be part of an advertisement. We do not have plans for anything like this and because of that we’re going to remove the language that raised the question. Our main goal is to avoid things likes advertising banners you see in other apps that would hurt the Instagram user experience. Instead, we want to create meaningful ways to help you discover new and interesting accounts and content while building a self-sustaining business at the same time.

Basically they said, “LOL…JUST KIDDING!! HA HA!”

Wait until Instragram finds a better lawyer with a better use of words.  This way instagrammers will still be clueless and can continue on taking pictures of banana peels, socks, carpet, and basically everything else.

Morgan Freeman dies, makes statement about Newtown shooting

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Not dead

Not dead

Los Angeles, CA – Morgan Freeman has been a busy man lately. In between dying multiple times in the past year on Twitter (only to come back to life again and again) and being most certainly, 100% dead on Facebook, the famed movie actor with the golden voice has lent his vocal talents and genuine opinion to us via a shared internet post.  A long-winded, blameful statement from Internet Morgan Freeman about the unfortunate event in Newtown, Connecticut went viral over the weekend:

 

“You want to know why. This may sound cynical, but here’s why.

It’s because of the way the media reports it. Flip on the news and watch how we treat the Batman theater shooter and the Oregon mall shooter like celebrities. Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris are household names, but do you know the name of a single victim of Columbine?[…]”

 

The purported ‘statement’ continues on as a media-bashing diatribe of epic proportions. Why on Earth the real Morgan Freeman would take to Facebook to make his opinion on this matter known is beyond me. As a matter of fact, it isn’t true. Freeman’s publicist has since contradicted this ‘statement’ with a statement of his own, calling the Facebook blabber a complete fabrication.

It just goes to show you, not everything you read on the internet should be believed. Except the stuff you read on the FM Observer. We would never lie to you. Never! (winky face)

Christmas Ballsack Ornament

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London – A London ad agency and orchid, a testicular cancer organization, have teamed up to to offer “Bauballs.”

bauballs

You may check out their website here.

Decorate your tree with some festive bravado and help a good cause by grabbing or sharing some Bauballs. We’ve teamed up with Orchid to create some Christmas tree ornaments that raise money and awareness of testicular cancer.

 

STEP-3 STEP-1 STEP-2

 

The product images above speak for themselves.  How could you say no to these?  Unfortunately these balls only come in the color red and not blue.