Category Archives: National

Republican National Committee Considering Cormorant Mayor As Presidential Nominee

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From mayor to Republican Presidential Nominee? Duke is rising fast.

From mayor to Republican Presidential Nominee? Duke is rising fast.

Washington, DC – After a very tumultuous couple weeks, the Republican National Committee is flailing. The Donald has finally boasted himself out of public favor (for the most part–but some still want to Make America Great Again) and after last night’s debate meltdown, morale is lower than ever.

Reince Preibus has optioned another replacement nominee after his ridiculous idea of bringing in a broomstick to replace the Donald went south faster than those backyard sparrows did last week after the weather turned. 

Preibus: “Our nominee cannot be intolerant. He must be a friend to all. He mustn’t pander; he mustn’t beg, unless he’s really, really hungry (for votes). He must live to serve the American people. He must sift around in the grass for answers to what ails our country. He will sit, stay, lay down in the White House. He must be, in all cases, man’s best friend, mmkay?”

We suspect that Preibus is alluding to Duke, the mayor of lakeside town Cormorant in Minnesota.

Why Duke, you might ask? Duke, the incumbent mayor for the last 3 years, is not a chauvinist. He’s not a demagogue. He’s not a fascist. No, he’s none of these things because Duke is a 9-year-old Great Pyrenees.

Duke is clearly their guy. He will serve as an obvious upgrade from Donald Trump, who recently apologized for derogatory, aggrandizing banter made to a Bush about women. 

We expect a more formal announcement after Duke has his afternoon nap then goes potty.

Republican National Committee To Replace Donald Trump With Broomstick

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Potential GOP Presidential Nominee

Better option than Trump?

Washington, DC – At this hour, the Republican backpedal is spinning at over 6 million revolutions per second as the GOP scrambles to find a replacement for noted gropesmith Donald Trump. 

Reince Preibus was forced to remark on the possibility of extracting the Donald from state ballots prior to the November election. “We are evaluating every avenue and all options like we always have been and will continue to, do you see? The inevitability of a slender, stoic, hardline, bristly straight-sweeper with perfect hair that stands tall running for office is in the realm of potential, alrighty then?”

It sounds to the Observer like the Republican National Committee is efforting a broomstick as a last-minute replacement for Donald Trump. The broomstick is slender, stoic, hard, bristly and sweeps straight if you aim it in the right direction. It is a great tool that can clean up Washington without getting caught musing over sexual assault ardor.

The time is now for Reince to act. With yet another Presidential debate looming, perhaps the RNC will trot out a secret weapon to avoid the embarrassment of another Donaldism.

E Corp Chief Technology Officer Warns Of Possible Hack

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e_corp_by_threebik-d958irt

Trust in E Corp®

New York, NY – In a coded briefing released at 12:34:56 PM yesterday, Terry Colby, the Chief Technology Officer of banking conglomerate E Corp, warned of another potential hack aimed at their users’ personal data.

This briefing, deciphered from a standard base-10 algorithm downloaded from a .docm macro, reads “A femtocell DDoS containing malware infiltrated a back-door zero-day vulnerability via our static IP resulting in a rootkit packet-sniffing botnet. This won’t reoccur but could be perpetrated again by fsociety members as a 2nd-phase 5/9 attack. -TC”

The Observer cannot confirm nor disconfirm the suspicion that Terry Colby or any top-level E Corp representative actually did release this coded briefing, but we can confirm that it was found in an encrypted email from E Corp to fmobserver@gmail.com at 12:34:56 yesterday with instructions to release it at 12:34:56 today. 

This comes after the public was made aware of a Yahoo user account breach that finally made national headlines two whole years after it occurred. 

Skittles Founder Responds To Newest Trump Campaign Metaphor

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Skittletopia, West Virginia – The founding father of one of America’s favorite candies has taken offense to this new Trump campaign musing:

Bowl of delightfuls

Bowl of delightfuls

Shortly after Donald Trump, Jr tweeted that photo, Skittles pioneer Phictor Skittle went ballistic on behalf of the small sugary candy his family invented back in the early 1940s.

“Isn’t it too bad that a basket of deplorables chose to use my tart ‘n tangy tongue treats as xenophobic fodder for the refugee movement? It pains my taste buds to say this, but you’re far more likely to die from choking on one of my fruity delights than you are to get killed by a war-torn refugee. Leave my family’s gritty gum bombs out of it.”

Phictor Skittle has formally asked the Trump4Prez camp to remove this cruel, unfair depiction from the internet out of respect for his family’s succulent legacy.

Ryan Lochte Found Hiding In Swimming Pool

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Ok, whatever

Sorry I guess, and junk

Rochester, NY – Amidst controversy over statements made to A Polícia Brasileira, Ryan Lochte had been sought for questioning until today. With help, A Polícia Brasileira have located Lochte hiding in his favorite training facility swimming pool.

The Olympic swimmer had been hiding underwater for 15 minute intervals until A Polícia Brasileira detained him via a non-anonymous tip.

“I mean, like, oops? I just didn’t want to get my bros in trouble, so, like, I made it sound like, like, it, like, was like, a robbery or whatever,” said a stammering Lochte, whose body temperature had fallen tremendously after sitting for 3 straight days submerged in água fria.

“O dopey swimmer vai responder to falsificação de informações,” said enforcer of A Polícia Brasileira Janio Almeida, who chose to locate-extricate Lochte under condition of anonymity via diplomatic immunity.

Lochte will now reluctantly meet with A Polícia Brasileira to discuss what to do about what he told A Polícia Brasileira. He will remain in the United States since A Polícia Brasileira have now confiscated his passaporte.

Scientists Warn: Sugarloaf Mountain Fermenting In Polluted Rio de Janeiro Bay

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rio sugar loaf compressed

Water into wine

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil – Water pollution isn’t the only thing tainting the enchanting landscape of Rio de Janeiro, home of the 2016 Summer Olympics. Scientists now warn that the polluted Guanabara Bay in Rio is rotting a famous landmark.

Sugarloaf Mountain, or Pão de Açúcar as it’s called in its native tongue. The mountain gets its name from its shape: a loaf of refined cane sugar. Unfortunately, it bisects Guanabara Bay and the Atlantic Ocean. As you can see in the graphic, it’s in a precarious position.

Bictor Tedhanger

Crackpot Geologist Bictor Tedhanger

Geologist Bictor Tedhanger warns that the mighty Sugarloaf is falling victim to the pollution of its neighboring bay. He threw some geographical jargon at this alarming fact. “Peak elevation of Sugarloaf’s baserock structure has reduced 8.594 cm per year over the past 14.2948 years, partly due to global warming but mostly due to water pollution. The Sugarloaf bedrock is, in essence, fermenting, turning Guanabara Bay into toilet wine.”

The best part about Pão de Açúcar is you can ride a cable car up to the top and see the entire city. It’s a spectacular view, but for how much longer? Either they clean up the bay, or Sugarloaf melts into the ocean. 

Sugarloaf Mountain will need to be renamed Sugarloaf Butte or Sugarloaf Hill if and when it falls below a certain height. Scientists urge you to use it while you can, before its sugar loaf dissolves.

Hackers Change Pokemon Go Animals Into Satanic Demons

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Demons in your world.

Demons in your Pokeworld?

Fargo, ND – A small number of Android users have become affected by a nefarious hack into the newly-famous Pokemon Go mobile game interface. Certain pokehunters are now encountering demonic hellspawn where cute and adorable Pokemon once were.

Pokemon Go player Plis Kincannix, 15, says “I didn’t sign up to fight demons, but bro, these demons are totally lit. I can shoot pokeballs at ghouls instead of Pikachu until the bug is fixed.”

The hack purportedly affects versions of Android 4.0 and older, so if you’ve been hunting Pokemon with a sucky old suckity-suck phone you might be susceptible.

ISIS and John Mark Karr have both claimed responsibility for the hack.

FM Observer Secures Naming Rights To Hazeltine National Golf Course Outhouses

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Waste where crap should be.

Chaska, MN—Brands®. You can’t escape them. Nowadays, it matters where your Brand™ is and how your Brand© looks. The more places your Brand° can exist, the better.

Almost every pro sport has caught on to this trend. Watch any ballgame these days and you’ll notice how brands have infiltrated almost every visual aspect. They’re on floors, jerseys, in the crowd, on the walls. Even the Green Monster at Fenway Park in Boston has fallen victim to them. Too bad. What is regarded as an iconic emblem of baseball’s storied history has been partially defaced by logos.

It’s go brand or go home these days, and we’ll be damned if we miss the boat on this one. That’s why our Agency Service Subcommittee of Homeland Advertising Techniques (ASSHAT) has been aggressively shopping our brand in places where no other satirical news agency would be foolish enough to advertise.

That said, we are proud to announce, in conjunction with the PGA Tour® and Port-A-Juan™, that our ASSHAT has successfully negotiated a very exclusive naming rights contract for this year’s 2016 Ryder Cup tournament! In a groundfracking 8-figure deal (move the decimal point a few spots to the left), FM Observer™ will have its logo plastered on every Port-A-Juan© outhouse on the Hazeltine front nine.

Patrons at Hazeltine the weekend of October 1st are going to reluctantly encounter the FMO brand prior to downloading. Our proud logo will adorn strategically-placed outhouses:

hazeltine

Relief at holes 1-9 brought to you by FM Observer®

In the competition of Brand® recognition, location is everything. We’re fixin’ to install our brand in the most awkward areas imaginable. We hope you get used to it.

Puppy Monkey Baby Placed On Endangered Species List

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endangered

Critically Endangered

 

Another unfortunate living organism has found its way onto the World Wildlife Fund’s endangered species list.

Canis Homo Chimpus, or Puppy Monkey Baby as it is more affectionately known, has been given a conservation status of “critically endangered” by the WWF. There is but one known living species of Puppy Monkey Baby; the one that lit up the hearts and minds of millions of unsuspecting viewers during that bonkers Mountain Dew® commercial which aired during Super Bowl 50.

This species’ environmental habitat is considered urban, however, actual whereabouts of the last Puppy Monkey Baby are not known.

It is said that if you encounter Puppy Monkey Baby, you would be wise to approach it without caution as it is extremely hilarious.

 

Obama Threatens To Block Senate’s Block Of Supreme Court Justice Nominee

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caption hier

Double-doer?

Washington, DC – President Obama has vowed to find a qualified candidate to nominate for Supreme Court Justice. The speculation is that that candidate will be anti-anti-liberal. This does not sit well with the Republican-controlled Senate. They have stated that they will seek to block this nomination. That does not sit well with Obama. It sits so unwell, in fact, that Obama is ready to destroy the entire universe in order to get his way.

President Obama says he’s threatening to block the Senate’s block.

“The Senate says they will block my justice nomination. Well, if they do…ah… I’ll block that block. This is not good. Everyone knows that… ah…when you type ‘Google’ into Google, you can… ah… break the internet. Similar thing going on here. This type of action causes paradoxical duality….ah…which then catosphates a rift in the space time continuum resulting in… ah…the impenetrable quickening of antimatter. So, you see… ah… you should never double do something. But if I’m forced to…ah.. execute my constitutional right of appointment that which the Senate then blocks … ah… I’ll have to block that. So, folks…ah…start wearin’ your hard hats.”

Bictor Tedhanger

Bictor Tedhanger

Many in the quantum physics community are calling this potential block-block a serious threat to the very fabric of space time.

University of Organical Physicology Professor Bictor Tedhanger fears the worst. “If the President follows through on this block-block, what he says is very much accurate: paradoxical duality followed by an impenetrable quickening. This would be incredibly damaging to our atoms. Your body and mine would spontaneously molt from the inside out in the time it takes to extract candy from a baby hand.”

It would seem that Obama will stop at nothing to nominate his coveted Justice. Will Biden be able to talk some sense into him? If our guts implode between now and the end of Obama’s term, then that answer is probably no.