National

Scientists Warn: Sugarloaf Mountain Fermenting In Polluted Rio de Janeiro Bay
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Scientists Warn: Sugarloaf Mountain Fermenting In Polluted Rio de Janeiro Bay

August 3rd, 2016 | by Nick
Rio de Janeiro, Brazil – Water pollution isn’t the only thing tainting the enchanting landscape of Rio de Janeiro, home of the 2016 Summer Olympics. Scientists now warn that the polluted Guanabara Bay in Rio is...
Hackers Change Pokemon Go Animals Into Satanic Demons
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Hackers Change Pokemon Go Animals Into Satanic Demons

July 14th, 2016 | by Nick
Fargo, ND – A small number of Android users have become affected by a nefarious hack into the newly-famous Pokemon Go mobile game interface. Certain pokehunters are now encountering demonic hellspawn where cute and...
FM Observer Secures Naming Rights To Hazeltine National Golf Course Outhouses
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FM Observer Secures Naming Rights To Hazeltine National Golf Course Outhouses

May 9th, 2016 | by Nick
Chaska, MN—Brands®. You can’t escape them. Nowadays, it matters where your Brand™ is and how your Brand© looks. The more places your Brand° can exist, the better. Almost every pro sport has caught on to this trend....
Puppy Monkey Baby Placed On Endangered Species List
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Puppy Monkey Baby Placed On Endangered Species List

March 21st, 2016 | by Nick
  Another unfortunate living organism has found its way onto the World Wildlife Fund’s endangered species list. Canis Homo Chimpus, or Puppy Monkey Baby as it is more affectionately known, has been given a...
Obama Threatens To Block Senate’s Block Of Supreme Court Justice Nominee
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Obama Threatens To Block Senate’s Block Of Supreme Court Justice Nominee

February 20th, 2016 | by Nick
Washington, DC – President Obama has vowed to find a qualified candidate to nominate for Supreme Court Justice. The speculation is that that candidate will be anti-anti-liberal. This does not sit well with the...
FM Observer Secures Naming Rights For Blue Post-it Notes
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FM Observer Secures Naming Rights For Blue Post-it Notes

February 3rd, 2016 | by Nick
Temecula, CA—A much-anticipated blockbuster deal has been finalized. After extensive negotiations, the FM Observer has inked a lucrative branding contract with popular sticky note manufacturer Post-It. For the next decade,...
Vin Diesel To Donate 4,000-Gallon Collection Of Distilled Tears To Flint, MI
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Vin Diesel To Donate 4,000-Gallon Collection Of Distilled Tears To Flint, MI

January 25th, 2016 | by Nick
Hollywood, CA – Contrary to what we all had thought, acclaimed movie badass and feared megaman Vin Diesel isn’t 100% ferocious.  No! Upon hearing of the Flint water crisis, he’s taken the call to donate to...
Canadian Movie Star Thonn Furbeglan To Host 2016 Maple Syrup Festival
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Canadian Movie Star Thonn Furbeglan To Host 2016 Maple Syrup Festival

January 20th, 2016 | by Nick
Edmonton, AB, Canada – The syrup world is abuzz this morning with the announcement that Canadian action film star Thonn Furbeglan will be donning the flannel stageside for this year’s Maple Syrup Cookoff Festival set...
Cenobites Denied Foreign Immigration Visa
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Cenobites Denied Foreign Immigration Visa

December 8th, 2015 | by Nick
Hell’s portal is closed…for now Hell—Due to increasing skepticism over foreign immigration, The Cenobites, aka Satan’s Minions, have been denied entry to America via Hell’s customs portal. Pinhead, the...
Woman Lists Infant Child On Ebay
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Woman Lists Infant Child On Ebay

August 27th, 2015 | by Nick
In another edition of You Can’t Make This Stuff Up (But We Did Anyway), an area mom has listed her infant son, Bemmen, as a bidding item on popular online auction site Ebay. “Kid was born in a hot air balloon,...