Tag Archives: beaver

Moorhead’s Turkey Mitigation Program Getting High Marks

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Let’s Talk Turkey!

Moorhead, MN – The City of Moorhead is having a special all-city meeting to talk turkey.

With a problematic over-abundance of wild turkeys, all options are on the table.

Option #1: Turkey Adoption Program (TAP) would ask Moorhead residents to adopt one (1) wild turkey and keep it in the confines of their fenced back yard with the idea that if kept apart, there would be less wild turkeys in the future.

Option #2: Slingshot some of Moorhead’s wild turkeys into Fargo with the idea being: Out of sight. Out of mind. Out of Moorhead!

Option #3: Market Moorhead Turkey Jerky at all the local convenience stores with the idea that if you can’t beat them, then just eat them. (Another variation here would be for Moorhead to celebrate Thanksgiving monthly.)

Option #4: Gather up all the wild turkeys and turn them into Wild Turkey Bourbon to be used as the centerpiece of Moorhead’s Annual Wild Turkey Bourbon Fest.

Dr. Harshnel Quadflop Called In To Investigate Fargo’s Recent Outbreak Of Ekbom’s Syndrome

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The esteemed Dr. Harshnel Quadflop

Fargone, ND – As if Fargo didn’t already have enough problems to deal with (such as beavers, flooding, and pinochle), now city leaders can add an unexpected and unwanted outbreak of Ekbom’s Syndrome to its growing list of emerging emergencies.

Luckily, the country’s leading Ekbom expert was immediately available to head up here to God’s Country at the drop of a hat into the packing of his suitcase.

“What we are initially seeing here is a highly typical case of the Ekbom’s Syndrome playing itself out in this community you refer to as Fargo,” explains Dr. Harshnel Quadflop, as he carefully inscribes small sentences into his old, thick, red notebook.

Advice from Dr. Quadflop includes: 1. Don’t panic. 2. Go about your lives as normally as possible. 3. Report any symptoms of Ekbom’s Syndrome to your local authorities. 4. Stay well-stocked up on adult beverages. 5. Nap as needed, unless called upon to shovel or sandbag. 6. Monitor and disseminate all pertinent news on a need-to-know basis.

Super Moon Proves It’s Moving Closer To Earth

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Earth's gravity is pulling the moon closer toward us. Scientists believe our moon will eventually be just a few miles away.

Earth’s gravity is pulling the Moon closer towards us. Scientists believe the Moon will eventually be just a few miles away.

Moon Unit, USA – The recent full super beaver moon is proof positive for many that the Moon is indeed moving closer to Earth.

Experts say that if the current rate continues, the Moon should be just a few miles away from Earth by the year 2035.

This process is what moonologists are calling Global Mooning.

Vladimir Johnson, who has been studying this topic for many moons, strongly believes that the Moon will eventually park itself just a few miles away from Miami, Florida.

This is believed to be the reason for the famous song: Moon Over Miami which was recently made famous by Ray Charles.

With our Moon soon basically permanently parked over southern Florida, this will open up a whole new world of possibilities for: 1. Moon living, 2. getting away from your in-laws, and 3. setting up an alternative society with its own new government.

If you would like to join the list of people who want to get away from it all (but don’t want to move to Canada), simply go to Healthcare.Gov and sign up! Please indicate what your current name is and then what name you would like to be called on the Moon.

Justin Beaver’s ‘Porpoise’ Concert Floating To Fargo

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Justin Beaver’s latest concert tour encouraging people to get a porpoise and have a porpoise in their lives.

Fargo, ND – Marine biologists are among the many who are excitedly anticipating Justin Beaver’s “Have a Porpoise” concert tour stop in Fargo.

Most people don’t know that both of Justin Beaver’s parents are marine biologists who have spent their lives studying and trying educate others about the porpoise and the importance of having one.

In fact, statistics show that people who “Have a Porpoise” in their lives live longer than those who donut.

One of Justin Beaver’s Fargo fans named Mucky Fuzzlewump yelled: “OMG! Justin Beaver’s coming to Fargo! Finally my life will “Have a Porpoise!”“

VIP-3 Package (which costs $40) includes: a signed picture of Justin Beaver’s porpoise, and a bag of Doritos half eaten by Justin Beaver.

VIP-2 Package (which costs $300) includes: a signed picture of Justin Beaver’s porpoise, a bag of Doritos half eaten by Justin Beaver, plus the gmail address of Justin Beaver’s agent, and an “I Hava Porpoise” wall mirror.

VIP-1 Package (which costs $2,000) includes: a signed picture of Justin Beaver’s porpoise, a bag of Doritos half eaten by Justin Beaver, the gmail address of Justin Beaver’s agent, an “I Hava Porpoise” wall mirror, plus five minutes in Justin Beaver’s back-stage baptismal hottub, an autographed Justin Beaver autobiography entitled “Looking Backwards”, and a chance to win a hot air balloon trip over the Himalayan Mountains with Justin Beaver and his pet shih tzu named Dinky.

Answer To Fargo’s Beaver Problem: Catapult Them Into Minnesota!

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Beavers Being Catapulted Into Moorhead

Tree-killing beavers being catapulted back and forth between Fargo and Moorhead.

Fargo, ND – After many possible solutions to Fargo’s beaver problem were reviewed, city authorities decided to relocate the tree-eating rodents by sending them flying into Minnesota via giant catapults.

Unfortunately, shortly after Project Catapult began, a Moorhead man suffered a concussion after being struck in the head by one of these flying beavers.

Some angry Moorheaders are now beginning to catapult these same beavers back into Fargo.

This feudal vendetta is beginning to even spill over into on-line social media after it was reported that return fire from one Moorhead man struck a Fargo resident directly in his facebook, causing temporary insanity.

The worst of the outdoor fighting now seems to be concentrated in the area between Fargo’s Lindenwood Park and Moorhead’s Gooseberry Park, where people are being warned to wear hockey helmets at all times.