Tag Archives: dui

Court Artist Accused Of Drawing-Under-The-Influence At Cohen/Daniels Court Hearing

Most agree that this court artist must’ve been under the influence of drugs, but you can draw your own conclusions.

New York, NY – The artist chosen to do sketches at the Stormy Daniels/Michael Cohen court hearing has been accused of DUI (Drawing Under The Influence).

Just as many famous artists have successfully used drugs to embellish or enhance their work, federal court artists are not supposed to share that same luxury.

The artist in question is named Audi Ritts, who normally produces decently recognizable sketches.

But when Judge Kimba Wood asked Mr. Ritts to try and draw a straight line, it was obvious that Audi had been perhaps using the pot, or something of that nature.

In light of this stunning development, the Judge declared a misdrawing, and therefore, the hearing will have to be re-sketched.

Interestingly, all of the letters in Audi Ritts can be redrawn to spell: DUI Artist!

New Tiger Woods Invitational Golf Tournament Only For Legally Drunk Players

Sometime being legally drunk can actually help your golf game. –Tiger Woods

Jupiter, Florida – The King of modern golf says it is time for him to start his own invitational golf tournament.

Tiger Woods says his new PGA tourney shall be called the Tiger Woods DUI Invitational.

Each participant will be required to consume enough adult beverages prior to each round of golf in order to be considered legally drunk by trained highway patrol officers.

Once each player’s blood alcohol level is at or above the legal limit for blood alcohol content, they will be allowed to tee off in groups of fore.

Tiger Woods: “I think this will be a real good test to see how players can handle normal adversity which is part of most people’s daily lives.”

The grand prize for the Tiger Woods DUI Invitational will be a hot new car and a full case of Mondavi red wine.


I Was Gonna Take My Baby Off The Roof Of My Car……But Then I Got High.

Phoenix, AZ – Some shocking news this past week.  Catalina Clouser, 19, is facing driving and child abuse charges after her one-month-old baby fell off the roof of her car while driving away, forgetting she had put the little munchkin there.  What’s shocking is this DID NOT happen in Florida.  I know, crazy right?

Once she got home, she finally got inside and thought to herself, “the fuck is my baby?”  Upon realizing that her baby just got the ride of it’s life, she drove back to 45th Avenue and Chollas and was greeted by police who had recovered her child.  We’ve heard about people strapping their grandmothers or mother-in-laws to the roof of their cars but never a little child.  Jesus, what was she thinking!?

One lucky witness was on his way to work when he said he saw a flying baby in a car seat flying through the air.  I mean, how f’in cool would it be to see that?!  That man just won the lottery.


In tribute to Catalina Clouser, I have changed some of the lyrics to Afroman’s – Because I Got High song.


Catalina Clouser – Because I Got High

It’s Like, I don’t care about nothin man,
roll another blunt, Yea (ohh ohh ohh),

La da da da da da La, Da Daaa,
La da da da, La da da da, La da da daaa

I was gonna take my child off the roof of my car until I got high
I was gonna put him in the back seat but then I got high
my baby flew off the roof my car and I know why (why man?) yea heyy,
– cause I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I was gonna try to not kill my kid before I got high
I coulda remembered I actually gave birth to a child but I got high
(La da da da da da da da da)
I am taking a couple hours off from parenting and I know why, (why man?) yea heyy,
– cause I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I was gonna go home with my little child but then I got high
I remembered I lefty my baby on the roof of my car but I got high
now I’m driving around looking for my baby and I know why (why man?) yea heayy,
– cause I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I was gonna go to court before I got high
I was gonna pay to get my child back then I got high
they took my child away and I know why (why man?) yea heayy,
– cause I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I messed up my entire life because I got high
I lost my kid because I got high
now I’m sleeping on the sidewalk and I know why (why man?) yea heyy,
– cause I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I’m gonna stop singing this song because I’m high
I’m singing this whole thing wrong because I’m high
and if I dont sell one copy I know why (why man?) yea heyy,
– cause I’m high [repeat 3X]

La da da da da da, La da da da, Shoop shooby doo wop.

Get jiggy wit it, skibbidy bee bop diddy do wahhh

– cause I’m high [repeat 3X]