Tag Archives: fargo

Fargo Hospital Hires First Monkey Doctor

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Dr. Bonzo is very excited to begin his medical practice in Fargo, North Dakota.

Fargo, ND – An area hospital is proud to announce a new team member to its full-time staff.

Dr. Panky Bonzo, who recently finished up his residency at the prestigious Cleveland Clinic, will begin seeing patients this summer.

To make Doctor Bonzo more at home, his office is being wallpapered in a jungle motif with decorative accent strips of yellow bananas along with multiple vines and ropes hanging from the ceiling.

Panky is a general practice doctor who tends to specialize in problems with the hands and feet, such as plantar fasciitis.

He is a very good listener, loves funny stories and can tell a few of his own.

Dr. Bonzo (who is currently single) loves walks along the river, sharing banana splits, playing on the monkey bars and watching old movies.

The Northern Fargo North Dakota

The Northern To Begin Drug Testing Female Dancers

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The Northern Fargo North Dakota

Wanted: Elevated levels (of talent)

Fargo, ND – Fargo’s only gentlemen’s club is undergoing a drastic change in worker policy. Club Northern has vowed to begin drug testing female talent, but with a catch: To comply with this zany new policy, dancers must FAIL the test.

Newly-appointed club manager Lucian Dontabulo refused to comment. “No comment,” he said. He then went on to say “I don’t want my dancers coming in here clean. Every dancer I’ve ever managed has been on something. Dirty dancers print money. They make it rain like the Amazon, bro. Just sayin’ — don’t bring the juice unless it’s tainted.”

New hire eligibility is now contingent on a drug test containing greater than trace amounts of any narcotic.

Current dancers will be tested at random, once every month. Those who fail will be rewarded the usual stipend. Those who pass will be written up with a warning. Three consecutive warnings will get you 86’d.

This controversial new policy does not apply to amateur night contestants. Any random who’s brave enough to jump up there and swing on the pole is still welcome to try it.

The Northern does not enforce said testing policy nor does it employ the club manager referred to therein. This post is satire.

Fargo To Vote On Changing To Either A 6-Day Or 8-Day Week

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Do you think it’s time for Fargo to change its time?

Fargo, ND – With the Fargo City Commission starting to run out of things to talk about, people in the FM area will soon have an unexpected opportunity to vote on whether or not Fargo should change from the normal seven 24-hour days to either six 28-hour days or eight 21-hours days.

Proponents of a change say that some people are sick and tired of the old “24 x 7” mentality and are seeking something new.

Autio Batista says: “Having fewer longer days would give people extra time to get more done each day while an increased number of shorter days definitely has some advantages such as easily providing everyone a nice three-day weekend!”

Opponents against altering Fargo’s time framework believe that the city commission has way more impotent things to discuss, such as the diversion, or a diversion to the diversion, or preparing to fight the dreaded zika virus.

If you are in favor of Fargo changing to either six 28-hour days or eight 21-hours days, please strongly voice your opinion at any of the upcoming Fargo City Commission meetings.

Undercover Investigation Uncovers Underground Senior Citizen Fight Club In Fargo

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One of our hidden cameras captured this rare photo of one of Fargo’s many super-secretive senior citizen fight clubs during a pre-fight meeting.

Fargo, ND – After a lengthy two-day investigation by your FM Observer, we recently turned up disturbing news about some dangerous seasoned citizens in our area.

What we learned is that some small groups of large men calling themselves F.I.S.T. (Fargo’s Intense Situational Testers) secretively meet at various coffee shops once a month prior to randomly pairing off into fight partners.

Then they proceed to pummel upon one another until one of them waves the white flag, after which the victor treats the loser to a doughnut and a cup of coffee and they both reminisce about their ordeal.

The alleged ring leader of F.I.S.T. is a man named Warren Peace who whispers: “The fist rule of our fight club is to not remember anything about it. And the second rule is, well, I can’t remember that one right now. I’m sorry, what was your question?”

Police say that if you see any small groups of large older men in a doughnut or coffee shop, please stay away from these dangerous trained fighters and call the police if you feel at all threatened.

Area Mom Under Fire For Bizarre Home-Schooling Tactics

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Fargo, ND – Area mother Davia Flexano, a home-schooler, is catching a lot of flack for teaching her son Whick a slanted view of world geography. Flexano, who chose to remain nameless, is having her son learn the states from this flipped-around view of North America:

 

What the hell?

Wrong? Or just…different?

 

WTF, right? Is this really how we want an area youth to view our country? With Mexico on top??

Flexano sees things differently. “North is still north; south is south. If I send little Whicker outside to fetch the paper, does he HAVE to walk backwards? No he does not. And when you drive to Wahpeton you don’t drive backwards, now do you? I’m simply teaching the Whickster that not all things he’s shown are how they truly are.”

Others tend to disagree. Flexano neighbor Ænas Gulpmurk has a differing worldview. “Davia need to flip them maps back. America be lookin’ like a unicorn warthog. Poor Whick gonna be drivin’ backwards ‘n on the wrong side of the street ‘n whatnot. He gonna sleep on the ceiling. Gonna be all jacked up.”

What are your thoughts? Should home-schooled children be taught a curriculum that exactly matches that of public schools? Or should parental teachers feel free to immerse their children in topsy-turvy nonconformism?

 

Large Quantities Of Hydrogen And Oxygen Found In Fargo’s Water Supply

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Fargo concerned about Hydrogen and Oxygen found in city water.

Fargo is quite concerned about Hydrogen and Oxygen found in city water.

Fargo, ND – Some newly-available digital testing instruments have shown that Fargo’s water supply contains unusually large amounts of Hydrogen and Oxygen.

Delroy Chitlins is the acting manager of Fargo’s Water Treatment Facility (while Marv Trotman is on an extended unpaid leave of absence):

“Yeah, me and my assistants, we each concurd that we gots lots of Oxygen, and then I’d say, oh, about twice that amount of Hydrogen here in the water, at the plant here, so yeah, that’s pretty much the situation then, for right now,” reports Chitlins.

Until Delroy and his small staff can look into the situation further, Fargo residents are being asked to voluntarily cut back on the amount of water they drink and instead switch to beer.

Chitlins: “Yeah, we’ll letcha know when the coast is clear here, but until that time, just keep on having a few cold ones until we can figure out what the heck is going on here.”

Fargo To Host 55th Annual National Taxicology Conference

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Exciting speakers energize attendees at the Annual National Taxicology Conference!

Fargo, ND – Fargo will soon be home to the 55th Annual National Taxicology Conference.

Taxicologists from all across the country will descend upon Fargo to learn the latest about everything in the world of Taxicology!

As you know, Taxicology is the study of the adverse effects that occur in living humanoids due to overly-burdensome taxation.

The build-up of too much taxation from every level of government plus all the various sales taxes can almost act like a poison on a person’s financial well-being.

Conference attendees will learn about: Taxic Shock Syndrome, Botax, how to help clients go through Detax, and various ways to deal with those nasty Taxic Headaches.

Taxicologists are also quite well-known for enjoying some serious intaxicating conversations during their Happy Hour “Caring & Sharing” sessions, which are often followed by making a splash in the pool.

Project Update for the FM Diversion

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Red River

There’s been a Diversion diversion

Fargo, ND – Ralph Malph, a local busboy, informed us at the FM Observer that a huge change is coming to the controversial FM Diversion. Ralph was working his usual tables and overheard a city official discussing top secret information on the diversion project. The official said: “North Dakota is sick and tired of sending that Red River water up to those crazy Canadian loonies for free, so we are going to take advantage of the Diversion and send water to California to help with the drought. You know, do the North Dakota ‘Nice’ thing.”

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“I’m going to build a slide” – Trump

One might ask, how is ND planning on paying for something like this? Well, thanks to Ralph we have an idea. The official said: “We are going to implement a new state tax, called the “CA-ND-Y” Tax. The CA is obviously for California, and ND is for North Dakota, and the Y is why the hell are you asking?”

The experts at the FM Observer have been trying to figure out how ND plans on sending the water to California. Our guess is that they could have Donald Trump build a 1,878 mile-long water slide to send the water on over. Plus, it could be another source of revenue to pay the bills by giving kids and some adults an exciting week-long ride! For right now though, it’s just speculation, but time will tell.

Moorhead Finally Changing Its Name To East Fargo

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Moorhead excited to finally be changing its name to East Fargo!

Moorhead, MN excited to finally be changing its name to East Fargo, ND!

Moorhead, MN – Residents and city leaders in the quirky town of Moorhead, Minisoda are just giddy with the idea they will soon be called East Fargo.

“It’s been a long time coming and I’m so glad to still be alive to see it finally happen” says Dr. Nerv Bulstad, Cartographer Emeritus for American Map Corp.

Moorhead’s city leaders admit that this name change makes sense in so many ways:

Fargo has its West Fargo, North Fargo, and South Fargo but has long been lacking the final missing puzzle piece: East Fargo! Now, anyone who’s a symmetry freak can have the balance they’ve been seeking.

Also, Moorhead has long been living in Fargo’s shadow and can no longer compete with F-Town. As one long-time Moorhead resident who wished to remain anonymous (Mrs. Agnes Vurvbock) put it: “Well, if we can’t beat ’em, let’s join ’em, dammit!”

Rumor has it that there are even some back-room discussions underway to divert the Red River to the East, around East Fargo, so that the newly named Fargo suburb can actually be in North Dakota, like it should be.

Try-Outs Now Open For Fargo’s New Table Tennis Team

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Ping Pong: A serious sport for some serious fun.

Fargo, ND – As the sport of table tennis continues to grow in popularity world-wide, Fargo is being proactive to stay ahead of the competition.

Just as Fargo has its own baseball, hockey, and roller derby teams, the forward-looking city is beginning to put together an official Fargo Table Tennis Team.

By gathering the best of the best from our wonderfully diverse community, Fargo seeks to dominate any and all other cities and towns who dare to put forth their own table tennis teams.

The Chinese call it “Ping Pong” while everyone who participates just calls it “fun“.

No matter if you’re male or female, young or old, if you think you have what it takes to make the Fargo Table Tennis Team, watch for more information on leagues and tournaments that will ultimately determine the proud members of Fargo’s elite Table Tennis Team.

For anyone who likes to brainstorm, the team will also need an official name and logo!