Five Day Work Week Likened To Rapid Rat Race

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Not feeling too groovy? Slow down, you move too fast. You got to make the morning last.

Hamstershire, UK – International researchers have likened workers who work a five day work week to hamsters running on a hamster wheel which is spinning much too quickly.

“What we have seen, in our extensive research, is that if a fast-spinning hamster wheel is slowed down a bit, correlating to a four or even a three day work week for homo sapiens, the hamster is much more happy and willing to work,“ says Dr. Ian Ratzmire.

American companies that are implementing this ground-breaking research into their work schedules are finding that their employees 1. work better, 2. are as happy as hamsters, and 3. stay with their employer much longer.

Fargo New-Born Is Suspected Time-Traveler Based On His Post-Birth Questions

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The hospital staff is quite certain that young Evert Altmire is a legitimate time traveler.

Fargo, ND – A new-born baby who was able to speak just after birth is being treated as a bona fide, de facto, time traveler.

The baby, who was given the name Evert Altmire, surprised the doctors and nurses shortly after birth by asking: “What year is it?”

After being told the answer, young Mr. Altmire asked: “Who is president?”

After being told the second answer, Evert simply said: “Oh, crap!”

If you may possibly have any information regarding the past (or future) of Evert Altmire, please contact the hospital’s baby department.

Amazingly, all of the letters in Evert Altmire can be re-arranged to spell: Time Traveler!

Algore Sends Frigid Polar Vortex Into North Dakota As Punishment For Fracking

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It is best to not piss off the Godfather of Global Climate Change.

Devils Lake, ND – The Godfather of Global Warming has decided to punish the northern half of MegaKota by routing the icy Polar Vortex back into our entire region.

FMO: “Algore, why did you decide to blast Northern Megakota with a mega-dose of bone chilling Arctic air?”

Algore: “Well, now, I will tell you why. So, sometimes we have to use a carrot and/or a stick. Because of all the terrible horizontal fracking that’s been going on, which I have said is a big No-No, North Dakota needs a strong dis-incentive to not continue with this naughty practice.”

During the near foreseeable future, concerned weatherologists are warning that Global Cooling will be moving in, much like a prolonged uncomfortable visit from your in-laws.

Long Cold Winter Starting To Take Its Effect On Normal People

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At the beginning of winter, this person was just a normal looking guy.

Fargo, ND – Are you starting to feel the negative effects of winter? Do normally easy small tasks seem bigly challenging?

Maybe you’re suffering from WHAKOH like most other people living in Fargo. WHAKOH stands for: Winter Hits All Kind Of Hard.

If the idea of going to the grocery store to get a few basic items feels like you’re preparing to cross Antarctica by sled, you have a case of WHAKOH.

If having to do any snow blowing or shoveling feels tantamount to getting a root canal, you are going WHAKOH.

Our very own Dr. Willy Nilly suggests joining a square dancing group or take regular trips to any of the local liquor stores.

Also, marking the days (or even the hours) off on a large calendar sometimes helps to visually remind you that winter will some day be over.

Two Fargo Illusionists Go Missing, Without A Trace, Except For Their Pajamas

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Goben Wee (left) and Bogen Wee (right) seem to have just disappeared.

Fargo, ND – An ongoing search for a pair of Fargo magicians keeps coming up empty.

The Wee Brothers, who describe themselves as professional illusionists, are seemingly no where to be found after disappearing from their Downtown Fargo condo.

The Police have only found a message in a bottle, along with the pajamas the Wee Brothers were allegedly wearing at the time of their sudden departure.

Hopefully, the Wee Brothers will soon decide to rehumanize themselves after being spirits in the material world while on their secret journey.

Interestingly, all of the letters in both Bogen Wee and Goben Wee can be re-arranged to spell: We Be Gone!

Merge Fargo North High With Fargo South High To Make: Fargo Mega-High School

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Merging Fargo North High and Fargo South High into Fargo Mega-High School!

Fargo Central, ND – While some change orgs are petitioning to merge South and North Dakotas into one MegaKota, others believe it’s time to merge Fargo’s two original high schools back together again.

The person petitioning for this change is Maga Gehrig-Hof: “So yeah, we think this is just really a great idea, and we are hoping it like grows wings, and begins to fly, like really high into the sky?”

Ironically, Maga’s grand-parents attended the old Fargo Central High School which was sadly split into bi-polar North and South twins.

Double ironically, all of the letters in Maga Gehrig-Hof can somehow be re-arranged to spell: Fargo Mega High!

Local Fargo Filmmaker Has A Big Hit With His New Film “Gristly Nights”

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Gristly Nights voted #1 movie at many film fests.

Fargo, ND – A young and upcoming filmmaker from Fargo has boldly announced his presence in the film-making world with a #1 hit at the box office.

Dicky “Dick” Glanders is his name and Gristly Nights is his hot new movie.

Gristly Nights is being nominated for many awards including best new movie and best new director.

The plot follows a corporate executive who undergoes profound changes during a major mid-life crisis.

Movie critic Bopp Zanff says of Gristly Nights: “If this movie is not in your Top Ten, you are a schmuck. This movie will change the world. I give Dicky’s new movie 6 Stars!”

Famous French Chef Accused Of Assault During Fargo Master Class

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Jean-Claude Sorbonne charged with aggravated assault on helpless bread dough.

Fargo, ND – Charges have been filed against a famous French chef while he was teaching a cooking master class to some of the finest chefs in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

French chef Jean-Claude Sorbonne has been charged with cruel and unusual assault on some rising bread dough and is being held in the kitchen of the local jail until his day in court.

Jean-Claude Sorbonne claims he was merely pounding out the bread dough before letting it rise in order to achieve the perfect textural consistency kneaded for perfection.

Some of the many students in the cooking master class mentioned that Chef Sorbonne did seem to be pounding “the hell out of” the bread ad infinitum, to the point where they were feeling quite uncomfortable and wanting to leave.

New Game Show Called “Double Jeopardy” Features Twins Acquitted Of A Crime But Then Tried Again For Exact Same Crime

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Double Jeopardy is a double hit!

Hollywood, CA – A new game show is being added to your “must-see” TV entertainment line-up and it’s called Double Jeopardy!

It is part game show and part court-room drama in which twins once acquitted of a crime are possibly retried for the same crime.

The host of the new show is Mr. Perky Parker: “Double Jeopardy is really going to be a great show! I hope you and your entire family watch it every week so I can keep my job during this down-tick in the stock market.”

If you’re a pair of twins who were once acquitted of a crime, and would like to be on the show for a chance to win some taxable cash, simply contact Mr. Perky Parker and have all your relevant information handy.

Oh, and don’t forget to tune in to watch Double Jeopardy!

FM Observer’s Reader’s New Year’s Resolutions

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Nunc Coepi = Now I Begin

West Fargo, ND – We recently met face-to-face with some of our faithful readers at a local alcoholic establishment to compile a list of all their top New Year resolutions.

So, in case you have not made your New Year’s resolutions yet, or just need some more good ideas, here are the FM Observer’s reader’s Top Ten list of New Year’s resolutions for the new year for you:

â—™ Change all passwords to extremely long ones.
â—™ Finish Christmas shopping by 4th of July.
â—™ Continue to volunteer at soup kitchens.
â—™ Dye hair silver to get more respect.
â—™ Purge all Minnesota Vikings stuff.
â—™ Start exercising in February.
â—™ Join a Ping Pong league.
â—™ Start clipping coupons.
â—™ Get a smarter phone.
â—™ Take more napsters.
â—™ Drink more beer.
â—™ Fight for peace.
â—™ Gain 16 pounds.