President Trump To Make Salvation Army Part Of U.S. Military

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Salvation Army to join U.S. Military per President Trump.

Trump Tower, NY – On Day One of his presidency, President Donald Trump stuck to his campaign promise to make the Salvation Army an equal member of the United States Military.

“This is going to be huge, folks, trust me, it’s going to be great,” uttered the in-coming president.

“Now bell ringers with guns will be able to ring their bells and forcibly collect money all over the world.”

A surprised spokesman for the Salvation Army was overheard in the bathroom saying that “this all has come as quite a shock to both the leadership and rank & file workers of the Salvation Army. I most certainly hope we are all somewhat trained in the use of guns and one-on-one personal self-defense combat fighting!”

A spokeswoman for the new Trump Administration recently announced that each and every existing fricking governmental…
1. department, 2. agency, 3. division, and 4. bureaucracy
will first be…
1. reviewed, 2. interviewed, and 3. analyzed
and then either…
1. downsized, 2. amalgamated, or 3. completely eliminated.

Editor’s Note: Obviously, in the case of the Salvation Army, it is being amalgamated.

Volunteers Needed To Test New Bullet-Proof Jackets

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If you volunteer to test a jacket, and everything “goes well”, you get to keep the jacket for free!

West Fargo, ND – Security Test Labs is seeking more volunteers to help test out some new bullet proof jackets poised to soon hit the market.

Volunteers will be compensated for their time and trouble but must first sign a disclaimer form prior to any testing sessions.

The disclaimer states that Security Test Labs is not responsible for any testing sessions that do not go well.

Now to the exciting part!

Here are the guns that will be used to test these new bullet-proof jackets:

The Sig Spartan Molon Labe 1911, the Ruger Blackhawk and Redhawk, the Glock 22, the Colt Python, and the Kimber Warrior.

As the picture caption indicates, anyone who wears a test jacket and survives being shot at by each of the aforementioned six guns, will be invited to keep the jacket at no cost to you. Consider it a gift from Security Test Labs.

Successful volunteers will also receive a free gift basket which includes: a free $100 gift card to IHOP, a free lifetime subscription to Guns & Ammo magazine, and of course, a free bottle of Xanax.

Fargo Teen Accidentally Creates An Actual Wormhole In His Bedroom

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Fargo wormhole proves Einstein’s theory.

Fargo, ND – While working on his school project for the upcoming Science Fair, a Fargo teenager somehow created an actual wormhole in his bedroom.

As we all know, a wormhole is a shortcut to another point in the space-time continuum offering a shorter distance between two vastly separated areas of the universe.

Daron Bainbridge, a sophomore at Fargo’s new Carlmont High School, now knows that wormholes are no longer just a theoretical hypothesis predicted by Einstein’s theory of general relativity.

Daron Bainbridge in his own words: “While tinkering around with some information I was reading about the Einstein-Rosen bridge, all of a sudden I was staring at a tunnel-like connection into spacetime right next to my frickin bed!”

Daron’s Physics teacher, Dr. Markus Lyberth: “Daron is a good student who is always trying to put various ideas together in different ways. Creating a wormhole is not only remarkable, especially at his young age, but at the same time can be quite dangerous due to the possibility of sudden collapse of the wormhole, not to mention radioactivity, along with coming in contact with exotic anti-matter heretofore unbeknownst to mankind.”

Fargo Facebook Families Fatally Fear Fifty Foot Fast Flood Forecast

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Trying to be calmly proactive, fearful Fargo families fighting fifty foot fast-melting flood.

Fargo, ND – With the forecast calling for quick climate change from global cooling to global warming, many who fought The Big Flood zactly 20 years are starting to squirm any time the words “sand” or “bag” are mentioned.

The Benson Family: “Yah, we probly should’ve built that Red River Diversion by now, doncha know?”

The Sakimov Family: “We have already started filling sandbags out in our garage, like since last month I think, and we already hava-lota-vum.”

The Grinstein Group: “In school, my son herd that a very fast melt caused by rain could suddenly cause a record fifty foot flood right hier in River City, baby!”

The LaQuan Family Corp: “We are seriously looking into procuring a plethora of sandbags from various reliable sources some of which may be online. We steal sand from wherever we can dig it, man.”

The Nillson Gathering: “We just feel real real lucky to have all our favorite Facebook friends to help us out by firstly liking us on Facebook and secondly leaving such helpful and wonderful comments while they’re supposedly vacationing down there in Guatemala which I half suspect is basically just all trumped up.”

Ways To Stay Warm During A North Dakota Winter

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Grab another analog and throw it on the firewall.

West Fargo, ND – We asked all of our FMO team members to brainstorm various ways to stay warm during the dead of winter here near Fargo, North Dakota.

We then slowly simmered the list of a hundred ideas down into this Top Ten List.

Please feel free to add to our list via comments or emails.

☺ Top Ten Ways To Stay Warm During The Winter In Fargo:

10. Only wear clothes that came out of the dryer within the last 10 minutes.
9. Ask to test out a hot tub at each of the various local dealerships.
8. Grab another analog and throw it on the firewall.
7. Turn your smallest bathroom into a sauna.
6. Roll up in a blanket and sip coffee.
5. Jumping Jacks in long underwear.
4. Invite your neighbors to huddle.
3. Rent the movie Hot Cocoa.
2. Microwave Hot Pockets.
1. Crank the heat!

Fargo Family Soap Opera Pilot Episode Script Is Complete

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Production of Fargo Family will begin as soon as actors are chosen and the episodes are written.

Fargo, ND – There was never a doubt in our minds that in some zany alternate universe, Fargo would have its own televised daytime drama. That suspicion has nearly come to fruition with the completion of our pilot episode. Just as soon as the rest of the episodes are written, we will begin a massive casting call. Line up for it!

Now, for the conclusion of episode one:

F Mob Server Productions, 2017

FARGO FAMILY

“Pilot”

SCENE 7. CONRAD.

FADE IN TO CONRAD DRIVING:

(Conrad is behind the wheel of his Dodge RAM Super Duty, cruising westbound down main avenue. AM 1100 plays very loudly on radio; Rush Limbaugh is talking.)

(Conrad stops at stoplight, digs in fanny pack, pulls out smartphone. Holds 2 for speed dial, puts on speakerphone then places phone on passenger seat. Rings, then an automated voice “thank you for calling the Rush Limbaugh Show on Premiere Radio Network”)

CONRAD: (impatiently) COME on, RUSHMEISTER…

(suddenly Beatris’s number rings in on call waiting. *beep beep*)

CONRAD: (looks over, groans) NO, no no no NO, Bea! (stoplight turns green, Conrad fails to notice. He grabs the phone frantically trying to cancel Beatris’s inbound call. A horn honks from behind) 

CONRAD: Damn it! SHUT up, liberal troll!! Rachael Maddow! (Conrad tosses phone back onto passenger seat, slams on gas pedal, all 4 wheels spin out on icy road, truck begins to fishtail a bit. Meanwhile Conrad doesn’t realize he accidentally answered Beatris’s call while speakerphone still engaged.)

BEATRIS: (via phone) Conrad?? CONRAD, Jesus, what’s happening??

CONRAD: (surprised) Rush? RUSH?? Am I on?? Long time listener, huge fan! Hey Rush, do you think Jodie Foster is part alien? I mean, if you look at the shape of her head–

BEATRIS: (interrupts Conrad) Conrad. CONRAD. It’s me. Your WIFE. Hellloooooooooo???

CONRAD: (hears her now) Aw, damn it, Bea! (slaps phone to attempt a hang up while driving, fails, keeps slapping with open hand, slapping, slapping…)

CUT SCENE FADE

SCENE 8. STANLEY.

FADE IN TO STANLEY ON THE PHONE WITH KINGSLEY:

STANLEY: (listening intently) Margie? Ok… I spose, then. I’ll head up there, ya.

(camera pans the interior of Stanley’s trailer, it is littered with numerous trinkets and gadgets. He hangs up the phone, begins tinkering with a doodad. Camera pans to front window covered in tinfoil, no light gets inside or out. Stanley puts down the doodad and turns up HAM radio, it blares a weak signal. He fumbles with the knobs, suddenly a voice is heard.)

VOICE: (amidst static)…can hear this, this is Vern Milton; it is October, the year is 2048. Testing, testing, signal…anyone?

STANLEY: (excitedly) Hello? Who is Vern? This is Stanley! I read ya, you betcha!

VOICE: (amidst static) Huzzah! Stanley, is it? I’m Vern and I’ve been traveling through time for years and years. What time are you, stranger?

STANLEY: Oh, wow! This is 2017, doncha know! What are ya up to, there?

VOICE: Fella, I’ve seen too much to even begin explaining. (static increases) My travels through time have made me incredibly weary. (more static now) A word of warning…(static)…global warming…(static)…polar icecaps…(static)…ocean…(static)…nuclear meltdown…

(Stanley aggressively twisting HAM radio knobs)

VOICE: (inaudible)…oil…(static) Bakken shale…(static)..stop…(static)…carbon footprint…

(the voice fades away into unending static feedback)

STANLEY: (unable to hear the voice any longer) Ah, dangit, Vern! Vern! Dangit anyway!

FADE OUT.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL ABOUT BLOATING RELIEF.

SCENE 9. HOSPITAL.

FADE IN TO ICU:

(We see Kingsley glaring at Dr. Never as he stands over an ailing Margareet)

KINGSLEY: (pensive) Well, heck, what’re ya doin’ here, doctor?

DR. NEVER: (stoic) I’m a doctor, Kingsley. I work here.

KINGSLEY: (accusingly) Ya, doncha. Well I saw ya touchin’ my wife there in a manner not real like a doctor should be touchin’ a patient, there you betcha.

DR. NEVER: (ignores Kingsley’s accusation) Your wife is very ill. She needs medical attention. Now, if you’ll excuse me…

(tries to leave but Kingsley stands in his way)

KINGSLEY: (stammering) Oh really now? Ya, I saw what I saw there, now, doctor, so…

DR. NEVER: (urgently) Excuse me, Kingsley, or i’ll do to you what I did to your daughter Trix after she OD’d on hand sanitizer…

KINGSLEY: (anger rising) Are ya threatenin’ me, there, you betcha??

(Dr. Never pushes his way past Kingsley, leaves)

(Kingsley huffs at the encounter with Dr. Never, rushes to Margareet. She is unconscious)

KINGSLEY: (sadly) Ah, dangit, Margie. Dangit, then, ya know. Somethin’ better not be goin’ on with the doctor there, you betcha…

(we see tears begin to form in Kingsley’s eyes, cut to Margareet opening hers)

DRAMATIC MUSIC

FADE TO BLACK. ROLL CREDITS OVER THEME MUSIC.

Wow! You can cut the tension with a butter knife. This is just a taste of what this groundbreaking show will be like. Care to star in it? All you need to do is post a convincing comment or send in your resume. Be sure to list your talents, hidden talents, acting experience and whether or not you can cry on command if kicked square in the guts.

Recounts Show That Jill Stein Won The Election

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President-Elect Jill Stein shown here visiting Disneyland after narrowly winning the election.

Steinsville, Pennsylvania – Green Party presidential candidate Jill Stein has finally finished doing her own vote recount in Wisconsin, Michigan and Pennsylvania.

Based on her new final count vote totals, she is declaring that she won the election fair and square, narrowly beating out both Donald’s Trump and Hillary’s Clinton.

Ms. Stein is being congratulated by many in her Green Party who knew she had what it took to win the election.

Some think that a major turning point for her campaign was when she got arrested and charged with criminal trespass and criminal mischief during the Dakota Access Pipeline protest out there in western North Dakota.

President-Elect Stein is now expected to quickly name her cabinet members and then get ready for her upcoming inaugaration.

We caught up with Jill to ask her how it felt to have won the election.

Speaking in tongues, Jill Stein’s answer was: “Я очень рад, что выиграл выборы.”

Fargo Family Soap Opera Pilot Episode Script Continues

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Production of Fargo Family will begin as soon as actors are chosen and the episodes are written.

In case you’ve been living under a rock with a rock on top of it, you are unaware that we’ve been piecing together an exciting new soap opera for Fargo, based in Fargo and with Fargo-ish overtones. Do you want to be in it?

With that, a rough drafted script for the pilot episode of Fargo Family continues…

F Mob Server Productions, 2017

FARGO FAMILY

“Pilot”

SCENE 3. DR. NEVER’S OFFICE.

FADE IN:

(Margareet is shown sitting on Sanford clinic examination room bed, she is looking quite somber. Seconds go by; she pulls Ambien bottle out of her pocket, downs a small handful. She gracefully loses consciousness as bottle falls to floor)

(Dr. Never enters, studying clipboard)

DR. NEVER: …We’ve been over this, Marg, medical cannabis isn’t fully legal yet–(notices the passed out Margareet) OH FOR PETE’S SAKE (accidentally kicks ambien bottle, clamors for it) god damn it (bonks head on Margareet’s knee cap) OW, god DAMN it, Marg! (holds forehead, becoming extremely agitated) NURSE! Patient unconscious, dispatch med team stat!! (silence) NUUUURSE!! And bring an ice pack!! (rubs forehead bruise)

CUT SCENE FADE

SCENE 4. CONRAD.

FADE IN:

(Conrad shown in M&H convenience store in Moorhead, finishing a purchase of Powerball tickets)

CLERK: That’ll be $13.50.

CONRAD: Yeah? For what?? The privilege to suddenly bag a truckload of taxable income? Income that BIG GOVERNMENT will rip their (holds up finger air quotes) fair share (lowers air quotes) of? Trump is going to squash Big Government, you’ll see. Politicians better run and hide.

CLERK: $13.50

(Conrad pulls huge bag of pennies out of fanny pack, drops it flat on counter)

CONRAD: Here. Charge the rest to the NO-bama administration.

CLERK: Charge what? How much is here?

CONRAD: Drain the swamp! Drain the swamp!

CLERK: The hell are you talkin about, bro? $13.50! These pennies? How much are here??

(Clerk begins fervently counting pennies)

(Conrad exits M&H without Powerball tickets or bag of pennies)

FADE OUT.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL ABOUT HERNIA MESH CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT.

SCENE 5. SKOOTER.

FADE IN

(Skooter appears in attic fumbling about with wires. He appears to be connecting an electrical circuit to a 3-prong outlet)

(Cut to Kingsley entering house from garage. He drops briefcase onto floor, keys into key dish on end table, heads to the liquor cabinet)

(Cut back to Skooter hearing someone enter the house. He recognizes sound of briefcase and keys, becomes completely silent to avoid being noticed)

(Cut back to Kingsley pouring a highball of scotch, neat. Pulls a sip.)

KINGSLEY: Aaaah, heck, dontcha.

(Kingsley pulls smartphone out of pocket, opens Facebook. We see a Facebook status from Margareet, it reads “Feeling wispy, doctor calling…better not keep him waiting!”)

KINGSLEY: Golly dangit. Marg!? Margie…? (Listens, hears nothing) (Louder now) Maaargie!

(Cut to Skooter again, he’s holding his breath, making no noise whatsoever)

(Cut back to Kingsley searching the house for Margareet. His search is futile, Margareet is not present. Kingsley pulls keys from key dish and leaves)

(Cut back to Skooter, he hears Kingsley leave, he exhales and continues wiring)

CUT SCENE FADE OUT

SCENE 6. HOSPITAL.

FADE IN TO DR. NEVER FOLLOWING MARGAREET BEING WHEELED DOWN HALLWAY ON GURNEY

NURSE: Any idea how many pills were taken?

DR. NEVER: (visibly irritated) Usually she empties what’s left of a bottle. No clue how many were there since she never sticks to my prescribed amount. 

NURSE: Here we go again…

(they continue down hallway into intensive care unit)

(cut to Kingsley pulling up to Sanford hospital parking lot, he parks slanted in handicap spot)

(cut to Kingsley approaching receptionist)

KINGSLEY: (impatiently) Ya, hello there, Paula. Dr. Never in with another patient, you betcha?

RECEPTIONIST: (recognizing a frequent visitor) OK, Kingsley, i’ll call up. (she dials number) Kingsley is here….ok…ok…yes, i’ll tell him. (hangs up phone) Go ahead.

(Kingsley swiftly approaches open elevator, slams repeatedly on button for 3rd floor)

(Cut to ICU where Dr. Never is standing over Margareet as her stomach is being pumped)

DR. NEVER: (softly) If you can hear me, Marg, you better listen. Knock it off. If you crave attention you’re going about it the wrong way…(begins caressing her cheek with latex-gloved hand)

(Kingsley barges in, sees this, they lock eyes)

DRAMATIC MUSIC

FADE TO BLACK

Ooooh! The action is really heating up! Remember, if you want a shot at being a huge local soap star, casting calls are about to begin. Send in your resumé or leave a comment. Please list number of dependents, age of dependents and whether they’re dependent or independent.

Click here for the dramatic conclusion of our Pilot Episode!

FMO’s BiWeekly Public Service Announcements

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Contact FMO’s PSA Department if you have something to add to our next PSA listing.

West Fargo, ND – Here is this biweekly’s rendition of your FM Observer’s mandatory Public Service Announcements, offered freely to you, our beloved readers, under the strict strictures of the PSA Regulatory Council of America, Section VI, Code 9, Clausette B-12, where it clearly states: Thou shalt offer thy beloved readers free Public Service Announcements of your own volition and in accordance with The Regulatory Council of America.

Here are your Public Service Announcements for the week of January 7-18, 2017 (in some particular order):

☺Edna Adams will be hosting a Book Discussion Club in her basement on Tuesdays. The first book Edna would like to discuss is The Bible.

☺Carl Doofkins has a rabbit he would like to find a home for. The Doofster says it makes a good pet or tastes great sauted in a white wine garlic deglaze.

☺Melvin and Marvin Hankster want to sell everything in their basement. They do not believe their black mold problem should negatively affect anything down there.

☺Arlene Sorna would like to thank everyone for helping look for her cat. Unfortunately, Felixia was picked up by a bald eagle and taken to an undisclosed location.

☺Glenn and Marleen Gagsetter will be hosting a family getogether in their garage on Sunday. Please bring a treat to share while remembering that Marleen is gluten-free and Glenn is glutton-free.

☺Jeni Topkins is offering baby-sitting services to help pay for her trip to Colorado.

☺Alvin Damner is looking for a replacement chainsaw blade for his Model 1100 X-Pro after his last one came flying off while Alvin was trying to jimmy-rig his galvanized steel compression pipes.

☺The graduation party for Tim Nugator has been postponed again since it does not look like graduation will be in Tim’s near future.

☺Max Glanders thinks he might have lost his cellphone near The Northern Gentlemen’s Club. Please call Max if you found it. Max’s cellphone number is: 555-555-5555.

☺Doreen Bunglower will not be hosting Bridge Club on Wednesday because she wants to watch the Harry Conick Jr. television show that day since Michael Bolton is the scheduled special guest.

☺In honor of Sid Bumer’s 90th birthday, his family is planning a surprise party for Sid. All guests are asked to dress in crazy costumes and wait quietly in the dining room until Sid wakes up from his afternoon nap.

Fargo Man Becomes Very Attached To His Brick

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My brick is always there for me, it’s real, and makes a great companion.

Fargo, ND – One fine day, Mr. Wade Dumpkins was out for his walk when he came upon a single solitary brick laying on the ground at the edge of an abandoned construction site.

After carefully looking around, Mr. Dumpkins picked up the brick and then decided to carry it home with him.

Mr. Wade Dumpkins has now been taking this brick pretty much everywhere he goes for the last twenty five years.

I love my brick. Isn’t that all that matters?

“It’s become my companion, my best friend, my rock, if you will,” admits Wade, as he lovingly hold his brick in his lap.

“When so much today is not real, like all that fake news on Facebook that caused Hillary to lose it, this orphaned simple brick that I found is something real, dammit, something tangible, someone who is always there for me, do you know what I’m saying?”

Yes, Wade Dumpkins, we do know what you’re saying!