Yes. This is for real. I don’t know about workouts but these make for some awesome dance moves.
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NEW YORK, NY – The ever so popular unpopular show “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” just got renewed for 3 more seasons. Seriously, people still watch this vile garbage? E! Entertainment network, another great network that endorses all the American values we love, has reached a deal making it the richest contract in reality TV history. The family will be paid over $40 million for the 3 seasons of doing absolutely nothing but being annoying. I’m not a hater but when this vile garbage is accidentally beamed into my retinas because I was channel surfing, I have every right to state my opinion.
Although this is all good news for the Kardashians, it isn’t good news for America. Suicide rates have sky rocketed up 80% since the series premiered on E! in October 2007. Experts are reporting that this is directly related to the torture people have had to endure the past 5 years with having “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” on air. We took to the streets to see if we could find a correlation.
“I once accidentally stumbled on the show and Kim Kardashian was complaining of how tough of a day she had. She got paid a few months salary for 6 hours of hell she had to go through which was taking pictures and putting on makeup. I immediately ran out to my deck and threw myself off of it. I mean, I didn’t mean to do it. I just acted off of instinct. I luckily only suffered a few broken bones.” a mother of 3 stated.
“I once had to watch the show because of my stupid girlfriend. Kim was crying because of spiders. I mean FUCK! It made me immediately take my clothes off and throw myself into the oven I had on. I suffered 3rd degree burns but I survived. I immediately dumped my girlfriend after the incident.” John from Fargo told us.
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“Yea I turned the channel, saw the Kardashians, and immediately shot myself in the face. This all happened within seconds. Luckily it didn’t hit my brain and I’m here to talk about it.” guy who shot himself and survived had to say.
It’s pretty clear that this show is dangerous and shouldn’t be on the airwaves. It is making people instinctively do stupid and unsafe things. It better be taken down now before Kanye West makes an appearance on the show. The human population will become dangerously low with an even larger increase of suicides.
Way to go America. GOD HELP US ALL.
Fargo, ND – In the recent weeks, 6 teens have shown up in the Sanford hospitals emergency rooms completely high and buzzed out of their minds. One death is being reported as well. This has caused concern for the local public health officials who feel this could be the next dangerous trend.
The hospitalized teens have stated that all the kids in school are now toilet flushing to get high. What they do is put their head upside down into the toilet and keep flushing it a few times. The combination of holding your breath to keep from drowning and the blood rushing to your head from being upside down creates an intense high and head buzz.
We don’t know where these kids recently picked this up but we assume it could be from the old school bullying tactic called the “swirly.”
“All it takes for these kids is a toilet, a few flushes, and bam! They’re high!” said Molly, a poison control specialist at Sanford Health located in downtown Fargo.
Over the years teens have found creative and stupid ways of getting high. From drinking cough syrup in the 90’s, mouthwash, and Purple drank, officials want to make sure teens don’t add ‘Toilet Flushing’ to the list.
Parents should start putting locks and the toilets and tell their kids to poop outside. Keep that shit on lock down until this trend passes. It’s the only way to assure no more teens are hospitalized. We need to keep these stupid kids from removing themselves from the gene pool. Who else would we laugh at if they were gone?
“Here’s my magic trick. I’m not raping you. Now I’m raping you.”
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Do you smoke pot? Because of 420 day, Jimmy Kimmel takes to the streets and asked random people if they have ever smoked pot before. See if you can get them all correct. Enjoy!
Fargo, ND – Just when we thought the Red River of Fargo had grown up and become a more mature adult, we realize we were dead wrong. Thanks to the recent rain, the Red River is back to being a complete dickhead again. The National Weather Service reported that by Thursday, the river will rise to minor flood stages and is expected to reach 19 feet by Friday or Saturday morning.
Local residents have started gathering at the shoreline of the river. It’s being reported that they are calling the river bad names, throwing objects into the river as if to try and hurt it, and others actually jumping into the river and thrashing about as if to try and kill the beast from the inside.
I can only imagine that this would enrage the Red River and mold it into an even bigger dickhead. The cities of Fargo and Moorhead better get that diversion figured out pretty quick. The wrath of the dickheaded Red River could come back even bigger then ever before. Also, someone tell those residents to stop throwing shit into the river. Good grief. Rivers can’t feel pain.
Fargo, ND – Phil McCrackin is a family man. A man who enjoys the great outdoors, spending time with his kids, and cooking his family large and exquisite dinners. He is also a happy man whom his friends say is one of the greatest people to be around. However lately, there has been something keeping Mr. McCrackin down.
Mr. McCrackin has been seen moping around town the past couple weeks. His neighbor said he saw him walking through the park with his head down, crying, and ignoring everyone around him. Friends say they have tried calling him to get him to go out for a little bit, possibly have a beer or two, and cheer him up. Mr. McCrackin won’t answer those calls. We sat down with his wife to see if we could make sense of this.
“I don’t know what it is but he’s just been so depressed lately. He hasn’t smiled in weeks, no longer makes his exquisite dinners, nor spends any times with his kids anymore. He just locks himself in the basement with the freezer door open and fans all around him. It’s so odd! I don’t understand what’s going on with him.” Mrs. McCrackin proceeded to cry.
After playing Christmas music constantly and making reindeer noises outside Mr. McCrackin’s basement room door, he finally came out. We got some time to sit down with him and asked him why he’s being such a little bitch.
“I’m depressed. I’m not happy. I miss winter. This nice weather is really getting to me. I don’t know how to continue on. I’d rather be swimming through snow banks instead of swimming in 70 degree water. I’d rather be driving santa’s sleigh instead of driving a convertible with the top down. I’d definitely rather be freezing my balls off then freezing tasty popsicles on a hot day.” His family tried to get him to go camping to try and get away, relax, and get his thoughts straight but he said he’d rather be building snow forts.
After hearing this, me and his family realized he had gone insane. Batshit crazy. We called the local mental hospital and had him taken away. He was last seen knitting sweaters and singing Christmas music in the middle of May. May everyone pray for him.
This is an oldie but goody. Fuckin’ Bob is nowhere to be found.
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Fargo, ND – Scheels All Sports, the Behemoth of the Midwest, will transform it’s enormous and very popular sports store in Fargo into an amusement park the FM Observer has learned. Scheels is known for its wide variety of sporting goods stores around the Midwest as well as its ever so popular ferris wheel located in the Fargo store. With the economy still down and people finally realizing they can buy the same low quality shit cheaper online, Scheels has been struggling to keep the doors open. What hasn’t been suffering is the ferris wheel as seen immediately upon walking into the Fargo store. In fact, it’s the only thing keeping this store from going under.
Ferris wheel ride sales have soared and beat actual sporting goods sales 100 to 1. Because of this, Scheels has decided to transform this mansion of an overpriced sporting goods store into a small amusement park. Among the plans of installing a larger ferris wheel, water ride, and enormous gravity wheel, there will still be sporting goods available to purchase randomly throughout the amusement park. Sporting goods such as deer piss, camouflage clothing, and night vision goggles. Apparently this is hunting gear and not some perverted equipment deer fuckers would use to throw a ‘WILD’ party.
This is tough for the economy and tough for Fargo. Although people will no longer be raped by buying overpriced items, at least bobby the crooked back alien baby with a hideous face, will be able to ride his ferris wheel on Sundays and pick up some deer piss on the way out the door.
I was looking to capture the anger of the finger wiener and how hungry it was.
