Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

Hundreds Of Misguided Bison Fans Mistakenly Went To San Francisco

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Are you saying the Bison championship football game isn't in San Francisco?

Are you saying the Bison championship football game isn’t in San Francisco?

San Francisco, CA – Some Bison football fans taking buses to the Big Game in Frisco ended up taking a very wrong turn.

A convoy of four buses full of Bison fans had gotten as far as Omaha, Nebraska when one of the bus drivers was chatting with a trucker at a truck stop during a smoke break.

“Where yawl headed?” asked the trucker.

“Taking these fine Fargo folks to Frisco!” the head bus driver answered.

“Well, there’s Interstate 80. That will take yawl straight to Frisco!” said the trucker.

“OK, thanks” the bus driver responded, as they both stomped out their cigarettes.

Unfortunately the trucker supposedly thought they were going to San Francisco instead of Frisco, Texas.

Many miles later, the convoy of four busloads of singing Bison fans pulled into San Fransicso, California.

They’re now all riding the San Francisco cable cars asking everyone “Where are the Bison? Where’s the big game?!”

It turns out that the trucker back in Omaha who gave them wrong directions attended Illinois State University. He knew that all those Bison fans were trying to get to Frisco, Texas to cheer the Bison on to their 4th straight National Championship.

Moral of the story: Never take directions from a Redbird.

Going South? Then you need to travel West!

Going South? Well then, you need to travel straight West for about a thousand miles!

Top Ten Norwegian Proverbs

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Greetings from Norway! This is no joke.

Hammerfest, Norway – The entire FM Observer staff is here in Hammerfest, Norway for their annual Hammerfest. We also needed to buy a hammer for our workshop and decided this would be the perfect place to do some hammer shopping.

While here, we discovered that Norway is known for much more than all those Norwegian jokes. Ole and Lena’s country is also rich with some wonderful and wise old proverbs.

So, as promised during a beer toast, here is our much-awaited list of the Top Ten Norwegian Proverbs, brought to you by the FM Observer, and by the entire country of Norway. Enjoy!

#10: Do not sell the hide until you have shot the bear.

#9: A small grass tuft can topple a big cart load.

#8: Carve your good words in stone, the bad in snow.

#7: Behind the clouds, the sky is always blue.

#6: No one can help someone who will not help themselves.

#5: There is hope as long as your fishing line is in the water.

#4: Do not report the weather while standing in a garage.

#3: An empty head gets the easiest sleep.

#2: No such thing as bad weather, only bad clothing.

#1: More cooks make a bigger mess.

Local Man Who Dreamed He Was Flying Somehow Woke Up In Tokyo

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When in Japan, see some Sumo!

Fargo, ND – A local Fargo man who crawled into bed in Fargo at around 11:00 PM on December 29th, somehow amazingly woke up in Tokyo, Japan the next day.

Dave Cooperfeld of 243 Pinecone Place says he had a dream that night in which he was flying in a large passenger airplane. When he woke up from his long slumber, he was in Tokyo!

Experts are trying to figure out just how this could have happened. His wife, Claudia, is wondering how her husband is going to get home?

They both recall his recent Chinese fortune cookie which said: “An unexpected trip is soon at hand.” But at the time they both thought it meant a fall or tumble down the stairs.

None of the airlines show any record of Mr. Cooperfeld boarding an airplane between the time he went to bed and when he ended up in Tokyo.

Some speculate that the sleeping Mr. Cooperfeld travelled through a worm hole or a “wrinkle in time”. His wife thinks that rum was involved.

While he’s there, Mr. Cooperfeld is planning on visiting the famous Fish Market, checking out some Sumo wrestling, perhaps drinking some Hot Sake (SOCK-key), and then maybe topping it all off by singing some Karaoke (Carry-OH-key).

Looking Back On Some Of The Top Stories In 2014

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Another eventful year!

It’s the perfect time once again for a quick and final review of some of the biggest stories on the FM Observer in the last year.

From my perspective, here is the Top Ten List for 2014:

10. Blind Bowler Bowls Back-To-Back Perfect Games – Read story here

9. GM Recall Expands To Every Car Ever Made – Read story here

8. Fargo Named Drunkest City In America – Read story here

7. Fargo’s ESPN Game Day Crowd Swells To A Million – Read story here

6. North Dakota Gets Its Own NFL Team Franchise – Read story here

5. Star Trek’s USS Enterprise Coming To Fargo – Read story here

4. WE Fest Cancelled Due To Diseased Tick Invasion – Read story here

3. Moorhead Haunted House Worth Avoiding – Read story here

2. FM Observer Becomes Dominant Area News Source – Part 1  Part 2  Part 3

1. We lost Cody Marthaller, Co-Founding Father of the FM Observer – Part 1  Part 2

Happy New Year 2015 from the FM Observer! If you must drink and drive, drink water.

Drug Companies To Give Bill Cosby Lifetime Achievement Award

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Doctor of Pharmacology

Shelburne, MA – Drug Companies are planning on giving funny man Bill Cosby a lifetime achievement award.

“Never has one person used so many drugs on so many others over such a long period of time,” says Rolf Hoffman-La Roche, spokesperson for the Drug Companies Conglomeration Corporation.

Rolf goes on: “Analyzing the veritable range of drugs purportedly used by funny man Bill Cosby over the years to tranquilize others is quite impressive and shows a mastery of pharmacalogical dispensation.”

Some of the drugs allegedly found in funny man Bill Cosby’s stockpile allegedly used to relax his clients allegedly included: Clonazepam (Benzodiazepine), Rohypnol (Flunitrazepam), Xanax (Alprazolam), Dormicum (Midazolam), Restoril (Temazepam), Liquid X (GHB, Gamma-Hydroxybutyrate), Special K (Ketamine), Ambien (Zolpidem), and Mickey Finn (Chloral Hydrate).

“It’s no wonder that cappuccino tasted a little funny,” said all of the women who are now stepping forward saying that funny man Bill Cosby salaciously drugged them.

When asked how he felt about getting the Drug Companies Lifetime Achievement Award, funny man Bill Cosby’s response was: “No, we don’t answer that. There is no response. There’s no comment about this. People shouldn’t have to answer to innuendos. We don’t talk about it.”

Million Dollar Painting Found In Garage Rafters

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$1,000,000

Circus Sunday

Fargo, ND – Vern Vandegrift was lighting a cigar out in their cold, un-insulated, detached garage when he noticed something up in the frozen rafters.

It appeared to be an old dusty box.

Vern somehow got the box down from the rafters to take a peak inside.

He carefully slid a well-wrapped framed picture out of the old box and safely onto his garage workbench.

What he found himself looking at was a signed original painting by one of the most elusive French painters of all time: Jan-Panko LaPlonk.

The painting turned out to be the rarely seen “Circus Sunday” which had been lost since the mid-1800’s. Its value is estimated to be $1,000,000.

Now, Vern Vandegrift lights his cigar out in a warm, well-insulated garage. On the wall next to him hangs Jan-Panko LaPlonk’s rarely seen “Circus Sunday”.

Young Pigs Express Concern Upon Learning Where Bacon Comes From

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Makin' Bacon

Makin’ Bacon?

Swineford, Pennsylvania – The Pork Industry Group (PIG) says that pigs all across this great nation are planning protest marches to raise awareness for violence against pigs.

After seeing a government video depicting where bacon comes from, a number of young pigs began to raise some concerns about their future safety as pigs.

The video was the wonderful brainchild of Michelle Obama who believes that any animals raised for meat should have the right to see a video that clearly shows exactly from where that meat comes.

Peter Porker is the spokespig for the PIG group. He believes that “there is a national anti-pig attitude toward pigs that is putting pigs in an unsafe environment to be who they are and express their true inner pigness.”

Watch for updates on this tantalizing story as pigs all across the nation are organizing pig parades so people can pledge their support for the plight of the piggy porkers.

One tangible thing that you can do to show you care more than others about this issue is to wear a ribbon made out of a piece of bacon anytime you go to a grocery store. Peter says: “Thank You and Help Save Us Pigs!”

FMO To Sponsor Fargo Senior Citizen Soccer Team

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Super Senior Soccer!

Fargo, ND – With the days already starting to get longer, the FM Observer is excited to announce that it will be sponsoring a Summer Super Senior Citizen Soccer Team called the Fargo Flash.

Team members need to be 80+ years of age and also must be able to pass a physical test made up of various soccer drills and special challenges.

The Fargo Flash will play against other regional teams such as the Sioux Falls Dominators and the Bemidji Blue Oxen.

If you are interested in trying out for the Fargo Flash, try to get in shape by April when the team members will be selected. Cheerleaders will also be chosen at this time, along with numerous Emergency Medical Technician staff members.

Think Spring! Think Soccer! Think Super Senior Summer Soccer!

Go Fargo! Go Flash! Go Fargo Flash!

Missing Cat Found Wrapped Up Under Tree

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Here Kitty Kitty!

OMG! Where’s Felix?

Fargo, ND – After their dear sweet cat went missing for two days, the Dumstone family desperately dialed 9-1-1.

Specially trained canine units were brought in to hopefully sniff out the lost feline.

It turns out that Felix was found under the Dumstone’s Christmas tree after it had inadvertently been wrapped up as a present (most likely by Grandpa who arguably has dementia.)

Other than being extremely hungry and starved for affection, Felix was fine since Grandpa had somehow thought to put some high-grade medicinal catnip into the box with the cat.

Moral of the story: If you see any Christmas presents moving around on their own, better cut back on your pills, or ask Grandpa if he remembers doing any gift wrapping.

Obama To Send All Republicans Into Outer Space

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Obama is urging all Republicans to get on board!

Washington, DC – With his growing unconstitutional powers, President Obama is planning on executing another of his executive memos.

This time he is plotting to ask all top Republican leaders to take a “tour” of a new NASA rocket.

When all are aboard, the tour will suddenly blast off into a one-way ticket to another galaxy.

NASA spokesguy Buzz Almond says: “This is actually a pretty clever way of getting rid of all the gridlock in Washington. We need the President to be unfettered by the old traditional checks and balances. Sending all the Republicans into outer-space should really help the Obamagenda.”

If we could travel at light speed, the trip to the next galaxy would take about 150 years. But, of course, the warp-drive engines are not working, so the trip will take eons.

Unfortunately, because of threatened cuts to the rate of growth for most governmental agencies, the Republican Rocket will only be stocked with enough food for about 12 days.

Upcoming presidential executive memos to watch for are: Nationalizing all public and private golf courses, becoming one large combined country with Mexico, total government control of television and the internet, and the construction of large work camps for all who dare to oppose the Democrats.