Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

Paula Deen Dropped From Human Race

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Paula Deen: Not worthy of being a human

Paula Deen: Not worthy of being a human

Geneva, Switzerland – The International Human League has unanimously voted to strip Paula Deen of her human status. Recent sub-human activities by Celebrity chef Paula Deen, 66, have forced the IHL Central Counsel Committee to drop her membership to the Human Race.

After her own admission that she had “of course” used the N-word in the past 30 years, Paula Deen has been dropped by more and more companies with whom she used to be in bed, including the Food Network.

But now, after the Queen of the N-Word tried offering some tearful apologies for her crimes against humanity, things seem to be getting worse rather than better.

The president of the IHL, Dr. Jean-Pierre Dubois says: “She is now officially going to be ejected from the Human Race.”

Besides uncountable usages of the N-Word and also being on the receiving end of a messy racial discrimination lawsuit, the owner of Uncle Bubba’s Seafood and Oyster House has also been documented (by secret NSA wire-tap recordings) as having used many other highly derogatory terms.

The politically-incorrect diva has been caught red-handed using a veritable Alphabet Soup of other land-mine terms, such as:

The A-Word (anti-dentite), the B-Word (bully), the C-Word (crackerjack), the D-Word (democrat), the E-Word (egghead), the F-Word (feminazi), the G-Word (geek), the H-Word (Hussein), the I-Word (idiot), the K-Word (kooks), the L-Word (liberal), the O-Word (oinker), the P-Word (pedophile), the Q-Word (queenie), the R-Word (richers), the S-Word (Sioux), the T-Word (thespian), the U-Word (ÜberBitch), the V-Word (vegetable), the X-word (X-wife), the Y-Word (yellowbelly), and the Z-Word (zealot).

Dr. Jean-Pierre Dubois mentioned that Paula Deen will be joining a growing list of others who have been dropped from the Human Race for their high-crimes against humanity, which includes: Lance Armstrong, O.J. Simpson, The Octo-Mom, John Edwards, Barry Bonds, and Idi Amin.

To be fair to Paula Deen, the FM Observer wanted to give her the last word before this post was published, but her quote was so riddled with F-Bombs and other unprintables that we decided to say that she had “no comment”.

Government Spy Birds Are Watching You

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Osprey1PX1Osprey, FL – New information is being leaked by the Governmental Leak Information Bureau (G.L.I.B.) about federally trained birds that are now being used for domestic surveillance. Ospreys (click on picture) and other large birds are helping Big Brother spy on you.

Gordon Meinkampf heads up the Center for Bird-Held Cameras (C.B.C.). He and his well-paid staff have been training and testing many types of large birds to see which work the best for the purposes of domestic surveillance, spying, and even some predatory attacks.

Mr. Meinkampf says: “I am not allowed to answer any of your questions as to what we secretly do here at the CBC, other than to say that anytime you see an: osprey, eagle, raven, pelican, cormorant, vulture, condor, or red-tailed hawk, chances are pretty darn good that it’s probably one of ours. You might as well smile for the high-definition digital mini-cam with super-zoom lens that’s attached to that nice friendly bird.”

Anyone caught tampering with a bird and/or its camera will be easily identified and brought to justice under the full extent of the law. “Try to act normally and be yourself.” says Gordon. “Just because we’re always able to watch you, doesn’t mean you have to worry that something bad is going to happen…like an IRS audit, for instance.”

Jail To Offer Square Dancing As Threat Or Bribe

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King of the Fiddle: Charlie Fritters

King of the Fiddle: Charlie Fritters

Fargo, ND – The Cass County Jail will soon be implementing a new, fun activity for some of their inmate population.

The sounds of Square Dancing in the jailhouse will be heard on Wednesday afternoons and Saturday evenings. As a bonus treat, pink lemonade and powdered doughnuts will be offered, for a nominal fee.

Warden Norm Orzak said he got the idea of having jailhouse square dances from a visiting Catholic priest who suggested that they duplicate at the jail what folks have been doing down in the church basement for years.

Special Training Officer Orietta Posada explains that if jail inmates like the idea of some periodic social square dancing with other inmates, then the square dancing will be used as a bribe.

However, if they perhaps do not appreciate the chance to partake in the fine art of square dancing with other cellmates, then it will be used as a threat or punishment.

To kick it all off, the jail staff is proud to be bringing in an ol’ time fiddler named Charlie Fritters from Backwoods, Arkansas. He was once called the King of the Fiddle and can supposedly make people cry with his music.

On his website, someone recently left the following comment about Charlie Fritters:

Ol’ Charlie Fritters
Kind of has the jitters
His shakin’ helps a little
When it’s time to play the fiddle.

He’s the King of the Fiddle
or somewhere in the middle
Square dancing’s worth a try
Charlie Fritters will make you cry.

Mr. Charlie Fritters
Don’t allow no quitters
You will work up a sweat
And have lots of fun, yah you bet!

Warden Orzak sums it up like this: “If this all goes well, and there’s not a lot of fighting, we may add some additional new, fun activities in the future, such as: Bingo-rama, an interactive Petting Zoo, and Team Dodgeball.”

New Multi-Bike Is What’s Hot This Summer

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The new must-have Multi-Bike!

The new must-have Multi-Bike!

Riderwood, Maryland – If you’ve been curiously wondering what the hot new trend is going to be for the Summer of 2013, your wait is over. It’s the Multi-Bike! (Click on picture to zoom in.)

Just as the FM Observer recently brought you what’s happening in fashion trends for the summer, the latest in cool gadgets and gizmos is now here for the official start of summer.

The inventor of the Multi-Bike is Mike Rust. Mike explains that his prototype stands almost 10 feet tall. He admits: “Not to honk my own bike horn, but it’s an extraordinarily designed 8-wheel drive bike which is great for looking over fences at the baseball parks and outdoor concert venues. Plus, it certainly helps out meeting women.”

Mike was thinking that since his bike has 8 wheels, the name should have been the OctoBike, but decided on Multi-Bike (start with an M- and ends with -ike, just like Mike).

You can purchase the simple 500-step process to make your own Multi-Bike directly from Mike. He says he’s the only Mike Rust in Riderwood, Maryland so the NSA shouldn’t have a problem tracking him down for you.

So, what are some people saying about Mike’s Multi-Bike?

Get this bicycle. You will not regret it, if you live. ~Mark Twain

This bicycle is a curious vehicle. Its passenger is its engine. ~John Howard

Life is like riding this Multi-Bike. To keep your balance, you must keep moving. ~Albert Einstein

Every time I see an adult on a Multi-Bike, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.” ~H.G.Wells

Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use. ~Charles M. Schultz

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. ~Gloria Steinem

I’d rather ride two unicycles at the same time than one bicycle twice. ~Jarod Kintz

Fantasy is an exercise bicycle for the mind. It might not take you anywhere, but it tones up the muscles that can. Of course, I could be wrong. ~Terry Pratchett

Math Class Replaced By Black Jack Studies

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Black Jack is way more fun that math!

Black Jack is way more fun than math!

Bismarck, ND – The North Dakota Education Association (NDEA) has decided to officially drop math from the state’s teaching curriculum. The teaching of boring, traditional math will be replaced by super-fun, instructional classes in the card game Black Jack.

Mr. Tom Collins, who heads up the Curriculum Committee, says that with all the calculators and smart phones present in today’s world, the teaching of math is obsolete and a complete waste of time. “Kids have long hated math class and all the tedious homework that goes with it. But, learning Black Jack is something everyone can get excited about!”

Black Jack will begin replacing math all across North Dakota starting in the Fall of 2013 in grades 6-12. Mr. Collins feels this move is further justified because lots of “hidden math” will still be apart of the new Blackjack studies.

Harley Marks, a long-time math teacher says kids will for sure be able to count to 21. Plus, in the new Black Jack Studies Curriculum, all the advanced trainings will be included, such as: Doubling Down, Card Splitting, Chasing After Lost Money, and Quitting When You’re Ahead. Harley says: “These are all real-life lessons that will benefit these kids for the rest of their lives.”

Some real Black Jack dealers will be brought in for Black Jack “tournaments” as well as having selected upper classmen doing some of the dealing. As a high school student who wanted to become a Black Jack dealer, Justin Minix says he’s very excited about dealing live Black Jack while in high school. “I’m really stoked about this, man” says Justin.

In some of the lower grades, kids will begin learning the basics of “card counting” while also being able to watch a plethora of movies involving gambling and Black Jack, such as: Rain Man, Casino, and 21.

Mr. Tom Collins of the NDEA says he knows certain parents might initially not like dropping math studies and replacing it with Black Jack, but he believes everyone will eventually find this to be a Win-Win scenario…unless you lose.

Are You A Loser?

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Are You A Loser?

Are You A Loser?

Loser Creek, Missouri – Have you ever wondered if you’re a Loser?

Ever honestly wondered if your personality categorization might not quite make it into the normal range?

The U.S. Federal Census Bureau has come up with an easy self-test that you can do in private to see how you stack up with your neighbors.

Dr. Herman Nanna, Ph.D. has crunched decades of national census data down into one simple little quiz so you can determine if you are currently a Loser.

Warning! If your test results should indicate that you fall into the Loser range (1-49), this is not necessarily a permanent condition.

There is a wonderful 12-Step program available to Losers that can be explained to you at your local L.A. meetings (Losers Anonymous).

–How To Find Out If You’re A Loser–

Grade yourself in each of the following categories:

(1 is the least, and 10 is for the most)

On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are? ___
On a scale of 1-10, how awesome would you say you are? ___
On a scale of 1-10, how funny would you say you are? ___
On a scale of 1-10, how happy would you say you are? ___
On a scale of 1-10, how helpful would you say you are? ___
On a scale of 1-10, how honest would you say you are? ___
On a scale of 1-10, how low-maintenance would you say you are? ___
On a scale of 1-10, how optimistic would you say you are? ___
On a scale of 1-10, how polite would you say you are? ___
On a scale of 1-10, how smart would you say you are? ___

Using a calculator, add up all ten of your above scores.

How to interpret your test results:

1-49…Sorry to say, but you’re a loser.
50-74…You’re OK, but there’s much room for improvement.
75-89…You are exceptionally normal and have potential.
90-100+…You are totally awesome!

There’s no need to report your score to the government, because “they” already know who you are, what you are, and where you are – at all times.

Area Cats Tripping On Acid

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Survey Says: Many FM-area cats are tripping on LSD.

Survey Says: Many FM-area cats are tripping on LSD.

Fargo, ND – Just as many local residents have long suspected, a recent survey has shown that many cats in the Fargo-Moorhead area are taking LSD on a daily basis.

Ms. Caramella Brandybuck of the National Feline Drug Taskforce is reporting that acid (LSD) has been pouring into our area from Minneapolis. The main kingpin drug lord responsible for the illicit trafficking has been a cat who goes by the name of Mr. Kitty (click on pic to see Mr. Kitty).

Caramella says that “Mr. Kitty and his organization have not only been bringing the drugs in, but have also set up quite an elaborate distribution network and have gotten many cats hooked on daily usage.”

If you’ve been thinking your cat has been acting abnormally odd of late, this newly available information might be very beneficial in helping spread awareness of this latest disturbing trend.

How can you tell if your cat is tripping on acid? Similar to humans, cats will sit and stare for hours with large dilated pupils, then suddenly jump sky high and totally freak out!

During acid trips, you may not see your cat(s) for daze on end. Hallucinations are very common, some of which they will try to attack as threatening phantom menaces.

If you ever try to stroke your cat while it is tripping out, or even give it a massage, and the reaction you get is not quite what you’d normally expect, your cat may very likely have its head in the clouds, while seeing you through a kaleidoscope.

Some creative cats have even learned how to scam the system and receive monthly social security checks to help finance their new-found favorite substitute for catnip.

If you think your cat is tripping on acid, please do not hesitate to call the National Feline Drug Taskforce at 1-800-CAT-TRIP.

Goat-Boat Woman To Challenge The Mississippi

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Goat Boat Woman

Goat Boat Woman

Pilottown, LA – Miss Hazel Brown of Pilottown, Louisiana is about to attempt the unattemptable. Miss Brown (Miss is short for Mississippi) has been preparing to navigate all 2,320 miles of the Mississippi River in a simple wooden boat, with only one paddle, and she will be taking her goats along with her for company. Her hometown friends and neighbors have started calling her the “Goat Boat Woman”.

At 88 years young, Miss(issippi) Brown worked as a high school guidance counselor for 50 years where she guided students down the river of life. Her avocation has always been studying maps, as both of her parents were professional cartographers.

When asked how she decided to do this, she said: “T’was always our plan to do this ever since I was younger, but we seem to’ve procrastinated it a bit now, haven’t we? Well, better late than never, as they always say!”

Hazel’s journey will take her and her caprine (goat-like) friends along or through 10 different states and 128 towns. “As a long-time map lover, I know the route very well.”

The Goat Boat will begins its trip at the river’s source which is Lake Itasca, Minnesota, where the elevation is 1,475 feet above the Gulf of Mexico.

As an amateur cartographer, Hazel knows the first town they will pass by in each of the 10 states:

1. Bemidji, Minnesota
2. Prescott, Wisconsin
3. Lansing, Iowa
4. Galena, Illinois
5. Hannibal, Missouri
6. Wickliffe, Kentucky
7. Tiptonville, Tennessee
8. Osceloa, Arkansas
9. Tunica, Mississippi
10. Waterproof, Louisiana

Their big adventure will hopefully culminate with a big celebration at the mouth of the Mississippi, which is her hometown of Pilottown, Louisiana in Plaquemines Parish at elevation zero.

When asked about dams, Hazel said there’s no need to swear. (Apparently, her three sons will coordinate the portaging of Hazel’s Goat Boat around any dangerous dam-type situations.)

When asked what they will eat, Hazel is hoping that local riverside church groups that she has contacted will bring her small cardboard boxes with some “surprises” in them. For the goats, she says they pretty much eat anything, including broad-leafed plants, any parts of trees, and of course, they love cardboard boxes.

Timberlake Concert Cancelled, Replaced By Barrel O’ Monkeys

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Tickets too expensive!

Tickets too expensive!

Fargo, ND – The much-anticipated Justin Timberlake concert that was to be held in Fargo in February 2014 has been cancelled due to high ticket prices. Fargodome officials are planning on making the announcement later this week.

The concert, which was to happen on February 7, 2014 at first seemed like a great fit for the Fargo-Moorhead area. “Since most friendly folks here have televisions, they’ve seen Justin Timberlake on various broadcast shows such as Saturday Night Live and feel like they know the guy.” said Greg Chambers of the Fargodome staff.

“When it was announced that the ticket prices were going to cost upwards of $800 per person, our jaws dropped to the floor as our eyes began filling with water. We knew this was going to be a big problem.”

Since North Dakotans are used to paying less than $75 per ticket to see a good performance, they knew a “Plan B” would need to be quickly devised. After much behind-the-curtains scrambling to find a replacement for the Justin Timberlake concert, a suitable alternative has now been found.

Barrel of monkeys

Barrel of monkeys

Miss Wenhoi Gao from Vietnam and her travelling Barrel of Monkeys will be entertaining the crowd on that night. Her agent and husband, Mr. Gao,  commented that “these monkeys very very funny and fun to watch! Miss Gao train monkeys to do many tricks and stunts, whole family will like, you buy ticket and come see!”

Tickets for this great event will be $5 for children, $10 for seasoned citizens, and $15 for adults. Mr. Chambers feels that these prices are much more in-line with the pocketbooks of people from this region. “Would you rather have a few people paying $800 to hear some silly songs or have the Fargodome completely full of people who get to see some monkeys do their thing for an average of $10 per ticket?”