Tag Archives: coffee

How To Properly Entertain Guests In Your Home For Coffee Or Tea

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It’s important to know how to properly entertain when inviting guests into your home.

West Fargo, ND – Our staff member who’s considered to be the Fargo-Moorhead area’s Ms. Manners is our very own Ms. Morning Ipson!

Ms. Ipson has a few good tips for when you want to invite someone over to your place for some coffee or tea.

Morning says:

1. Meet the person at the door so you can personally throw their jacket on the floor.

2. If your dog is a barker, one twelve inch piece of duct tape around its mouth should mute the mutt.

3. Have some space cleared off on top of your kitchen table for you and your esteemed guest to sit amongst the towering stacks of magazines you’ve been planning on reading for years.

4. As you invite your honored guest to sit down, pull out an empty chair which you’ve wiped clean within the last month.

5. Offer your special guest either hot coffee or tea, accompanied by a fresh scone or crumpet, and then basically just serve them whatever the hell you have on hand.

6. Keep the conversation limited to small talk, unless your guest mentions anything about President Trump.

7. Have a cute decorative sign pointing to your bathroom which hopefully has been pre-flushed prior to your guest’s arrival.

8. After about an hour of delightful chit chat, tell your guest they now have to leave because you have another guest coming over in ten minutes (it’s not a lie if you believe it).

Interestingly, all of the letters in Morning Ipson can be spun around to spell: Spinning Room!

New Starbucks Bathroom Policy Welcomes All

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If you need a bathroom now, now think Starbucks!

Seattle, WA – After undergoing some much needed racial sensitivity training, Starbucks Coffee has come up with a new bathroom policy for all its locations across the country.

Starbucks new Open Door bathroom policy will let anyone use any of their three bathrooms at any time.

The fine print of their new Open Door policy does have a few additional clauses worth noting:

A. You must be carrying in your hand a recently purchased Starbucks coffee with you, along with your receipt, or

B. You must either be a Starbucks employee or be close personal friends with someone who is currently working at that particular location, or

C. You have been pre-approved to do so by joining the Starbucks Bathroom Club and are currently wearing your Starbucks Bathroom Club button with its scannable barcode.

Fargo Flocks To Car Washes Before Return Of Dreaded Polar Vortex

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Long lines expected at every car wash in the FM area in effort to beat the return of Global Cooling.

Fargo, ND – In a community-wide frenzied effort to get all cars washed prior to the return of Algore’s Polar Vortex, every car wash is expecting a record-breaking day.

Lines into car washes could be so long that police may have to direct traffic while managing road rage caused by people trying to bud in line.

After such a long streak of freakily cold weather, nearly every vehicle in the greater FM area is dirtier than Harvey Weinstein’s office.

“Yah, people around here like to keep their cars real clean, so there’s that then, plus, it’s just kind of a fun thing to do, in order to get out of the house, cuz ya can’t watch Judge Judy all day, don’t-cha know?” explains Ernie Flapwood, an FM-Observer consultant, who likes free coffee, and has an opinion about pretty much everything.

National Coffee Shortage Causing Companies To Hoard The ‘Fuel Of Business’

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Sip it while you can because coffee’s days are numbered, just as Algore predicted.

Coffee City, TX – Large and small businesses all across America have begun to hoard coffee in anticipation of a nation-wide shortage due to Global Warming due to Algore’s changing climate.

With coffee in short supply, the speed of business in America could slow to just a trickle.

Mr. Schaffer Gootee who heads up the Coffee Utilization Program (CUP) describes coffee as the “fuel of business“ and without it, American business would come to a decaffinated halt.

Do you drink coffee at home? Do you have a six month supply hoarded in your pantry? This is what the experts are warning us to do if you like to wake to the smell of fresh-brewed coffee in the morning.

Ironically, all the letters in Schaffer Gootee can be re-arranged to spell: Coffee Shortage!

Gawk Tour Bus To Visit Pipeline Protest Site Without Getting Involved

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Sign up now for the next Gawk Tour Bus trip to see the Dakota Access Pipeline Protest up close.

Sign up now for the next Gawk Tour Bus trip to see the Dakota Access Pipeline Protest up close.

Dapl, ND – Have you been wanting to see what’s going on with the Dakota Access Pipeline protesters without really getting involved?

Would you like to watch history in the making while a major altercation is playing out?

Gawk Tours will soon be taking groups of people to near the front lines of a major national news story while sitting comfortably in a tour bus sipping fresh coffee and snacking on scones.

Gawk Tours is a division of the Rubberneck Corporation which has been safely giving onlookers easy access to major happenings such as aftermaths of hurricanes and flashpoints of social unrest for years.

Gawk Tour president Stanley Ogler: “Instead of having hundreds of cars doing the rubberneck drive-by of some point of interest, we put them all in a big bus and make it a fun group learning experience.”

If you would like to join the next Gawk Tour to go see angry people getting ready to camp outside during a North Dakota winter, simply sign up and wait at one of the many convenient pick-up points using the new Gawk Tour app. Oh, and don’t forget to bring your camera!

Amnesia Support Group Forgets When And Where To Meet

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Fargo-Moorhead Amnesia Suuport Group

Fargo-Moorhead Amnesia Support Group

Moorhead, MN – The good news is that the Fargo-Moorhead area does have a special support group just for people suffering from amnesia.

The bad news is that the group has never actually met because no one has ever shown up for a meeting.

The Amnesia Support Group’s leader is supposedly Dr. Opie Sugarman but he himself has also never shown up for a meeting.

Dr. Sugarman ponders: “We are very excited for our Amnesia Support Group to finally getogether and meet for coffee and general group support since amnesia can be so very problematical for our group members who suffer from various amnesial symptoms.”

If you would like to attend the FM Amnesia Support Group’s next meeting, simply look at any listing of the local support groups that meet in our area. Just to be safe, jot down on your calendar the date, time, and place of the next meeting and try not to forget to check your calendar on a daily basis to see what you might be missing. Cookies of any kind are also very welcome!  :o]

Free FMO Adult Ed Classes To Increase Your Vocabulary

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You will learn new words so you can impress your friends!

Learn new words so you can impress your co-workers and friends!

West Fargo, ND – The FM Observer will soon be hosting another claborian self-improvement class at our intercamped West Fargo headquarters.

This zaptic vocabulary enrichment training is entitled “Impress Others With Lostic Words”.

Imagine answering a job interview question like this: Your company’s bluctive avation is urgibly ostile.

Or, while out on a first date you say: I love how your nesphisis is so speeblish in this tostive shiller!

You won’t want to miss this obtroctive free training taught by some of the most tholmic frunkers in the region.

Bring your ludger to thrumpet the elmody while meeting other farths who share your same scuvition for glegmatic fonkerness.

Undercover Investigation Uncovers Underground Senior Citizen Fight Club In Fargo

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One of our hidden cameras captured this rare photo of one of Fargo’s many super-secretive senior citizen fight clubs during a pre-fight meeting.

Fargo, ND – After a lengthy two-day investigation by your FM Observer, we recently turned up disturbing news about some dangerous seasoned citizens in our area.

What we learned is that some small groups of large men calling themselves F.I.S.T. (Fargo’s Intense Situational Testers) secretively meet at various coffee shops once a month prior to randomly pairing off into fight partners.

Then they proceed to pummel upon one another until one of them waves the white flag, after which the victor treats the loser to a doughnut and a cup of coffee and they both reminisce about their ordeal.

The alleged ring leader of F.I.S.T. is a man named Warren Peace who whispers: “The fist rule of our fight club is to not remember anything about it. And the second rule is, well, I can’t remember that one right now. I’m sorry, what was your question?”

Police say that if you see any small groups of large older men in a doughnut or coffee shop, please stay away from these dangerous trained fighters and call the police if you feel at all threatened.

Youngsters Drinking Coffee A Disturbing New Trend

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Maybe your kids are drinking coffee!

Maybe your kids are drinking coffee!

Fargo, ND – In what many parents are seeing as a disturbing new trend, a growing number of very young children are drinking cups of coffee to get that “high school” feeling.

Fargo police have been secretly watching children as young as kindergartners and first graders going into an unsuspecting Walmart store and buying a Mr. Coffee machine.

Some undercover police officers have actually reported watching “small groups of little kids congregate in garages while the parents are gone and hosting wild coffee drinking parties”.

If your young children are acting strange, carefully watch for signs of coffee usage.

Please report any of these tell-tail signs immediately to the police: missing coffee, hyperactivity, dilated pupils, excessive talking, coffee-stained teeth, Mr. Coffee machines, or used coffee filters and coffee cups in the garage.