We’ve seen them. We even named our own wifi network a funny name. Below is a list of names thought up and found on the internet for funny network name ideas. Use at your own risk.
Fargo, ND – Storm Gandolf, according to the media, was supposed to be a storm apocalypse. Those two words “storm apocalypse’ are what sprung me into action. I wasn’t going to sit by and watch my fellow Fargoans being forced to blow storm gandolf. That is why on the evening of 01/11/2013, I grabbed a parka and a crowbar and headed out the door to do battle.
Sooner than later there I was, sitting in the middle of a field waiting for Gandolf to show itself. I was five hours in now. Stomach was starting to make noises and my mouth dry, wanting nothing more then a sip of something hot or cold. Since I only had a parka and crowbar I had to improvise. To quench my thirst, I dug a small hole, filled it with snow, then dipped my huge big and hot balls into the snow thereby melting it and making a very nice cup of low-sodium hot water. Looking back at it now, if it wasn’t for that ball water, I don’t think I’d still be here.
Hot water in my stomach and feeling good, the wind started to whisper at me. “Gandolf! Is that you?” I shouted in such a manly voice, I believe a woman living on a distant farm became pregnant at that very moment. “Show yourself!” I screamed.
At that moment a snow wave burst up from the field and made it’s way straight for me, yelling nasty, violent, and obscene obscenities at me. I remember them well and they haunt me to this day. This ‘snow wave’ was a penis. It was a very large, cold, and mean penis made out of snow.
Right as this large penis was about to attack, I shoved my crowbar right into the beasts opening. The penis tip if you will. At that very moment, the storm burst into millions of tiny white snowflakes which started to lightly rain down on me.
I knew it was a success. I saved the people of the Farg0-Moorhead area from Storm Gandolf.
So there you have it. You now know the real reason Storm Gandolf was non-existent for the fargo-moorhead residents.
This weeks terrible song lyrics of the week are from Taylor Swifts song I Knew You Were Trouble. It is from her fourth studio album, Red (2012). It was released on October 9, 2012, in the United States by Big Machine Records as the third promotional single from the album.
Which part of the lyrics are terrible you ask? ALL OF THEM and here is why.
After going through her lyrics I was wondering if I should call the police or not. After reading the first part of her lyrics..
Once upon time
A few mistakes ago
I was in your sights
You got me alone
You found me
You found me
You found me
I thought “OH NO! Taylor Swift has been raped before! Or kidnapped! I don’t know which one but it sure sounds like the beginning of a raping or kidnapping!”
Then..
I guess you didn’t care
And I guess I liked that
And when I fell hard
You took a step back
Without me, without me, without me
Sounds like he then hits her. To pull off a successful kidnap or rape you need to hit something and apparently it was Taylor Swift and she liked it.
And he’s long gone
When he’s next to me
And I realize the blame is on me
She says he is long gone now so now I’m suspecting a rape at this point because to kidnap you need to bring the kidnapee with you. I’m still confused but then..
Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places i’d never been
So you put me down oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places i’d never been
Now i’m lying on the cold hard ground
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
FUCK! Ok now I’m suspecting a kidnapping again because now he is flying her to places she has never been. Solid kidnap move.
No apologies
He’ll never see you cry
Pretend he doesn’t know
That he’s the reason why
You’re drowning, you’re drowning, you’re drowning
Just completely lost at this point. The rest of the lyrics go on.
And I heard you moved on
From whispers on the street
A new notch in your belt
Is all I’ll ever be
And now I see, now I see, now I see
He was long gone
When he met me
And I realize the joke is on me
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places i’d never been
So you put me down oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places i’d never been
Now i’m lying on the cold hard ground
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
When your sadest fear comes creeping in
That you never loved me or her or anyone or anything
Yeah
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places i’d never been
So you put me down oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places i’d never been
Now i’m lying on the cold hard ground
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
Trouble, trouble, trouble
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
Trouble, trouble, trouble!
My conclusion is that this is a raping/kidnapping/but not really…kind of thing. If Taylor Swift wouldn’t be such a drama queen she would have just gotten to the point at the beginning of the song and not fucked around.
So this leaves everyone around the world wondering, IS THIS A RAPING OR A KIDNAPPING TAYLOR SWIFT?!?!?!? WHICH IS IT?!?
My paycheck is about to take a hit in the year 2013. The fiscal cliff deal finally went through. What does that mean? Well, there are a lot of things but the one thing that effects me is the extra money that will be taken out of my paycheck.
Since the fiscal cliff deal passed, wage earners will now pay a 6.2% payroll tax. Previously there was a 2 year plan in play where we all enjoyed a 4.2%. Now that party is over and I’m hungover. There are more taxes coming for the rich. I’m not rich but if I were I’d still approve of the government taking more and more of my money.
You would think that I’m mad, angry, or bitter. Well, I’m not. The party didn’t end for me. I’m going to continue to rock it out. You see, I enjoy the government taking more money out of my paycheck.
Everyday I wish the government could take even more money out of my paycheck. I wish I could live, work, and breathe everyday for the government. I don’t trust myself with money. In fact just yesterday I bought a foot tanner. Why? Why the hell not? Last week I went into the dollar store and bought 50 different items simply because they were only a dollar. Now I don’t know what to do with the stuff. Those things are just sitting in a pile in my living room. I’ll probably throw them away next month when I get sick of looking at them, then go buy more stuff at the dollar store for the hell of it.
I live the American dream and it’s America baby! I definitely feel and trust that the government can spend my money better then I can. They have many good quality programs that they give my money to. For example, spending $744,000 for a new soccer field at Guantanamo Bay. That’s legit. It’s better than a foot tanner. Every individual should get puffy cotton robes to relax in after a shower as well. Or how about the $2.6 billion federal agencies spend on printing. It’s pretty obvious the government hates trees. Everyday I bet those employees get into the office and say to themselves, “Trees suck! I’m going to test print like 50 pages today! Fuck trees!” I can get behind that. Trees are worthless. We don’t need them. It’s money better spent than me wasting 50 dollars on 50 useless dollar store items.
I don’t like being responsible and I like slaving away everyday at a middle class job so other people have more money to spend. More money being my money. It’s fantastic. I’m doing a good deed and surely raking up the karma points. Karma points I myself can spend on things even though karma is imaginary.
That is why I say TAX ME MORE.
How about you? Do you like others spending your money? Are you going to continue to party in 2013 like me?
UFC 155 just wasn’t the same without the great Mike Goldberg commentating alongside Joe Rogan this weekend. Apparently he had to take sometime off and rest at home due to an illness.The UFC is not sure when Mike Goldberg will return so Jon Anik will be filling in for him for the foreseeable future.
Dana White stated..
“Goldie’s out for a while and I don’t know when he’ll be back,”
Hopefully it’s nothing too serious and Mike Goldberg can return as quick as possible.
So, in spirit of Mike Goldberg, I’ll post some funny Mike Goldberg quotes that have been floating around the internet for years now.
Joe Rogan: “Think of leg kicks as like in a video game. The more they take, their power goes right down.”
Goldberg: “I know what you’re thinking, mighty ball mighty ball DEEP DEEP DEEP!”
Joe Rogan: Does best to ignore that and continue talking about the fightMike Goldberg: “He’s got him in some kind of strange choke I’ve never seen before!”
Joe Rogan: “That’s a rear naked choke.”Joe Rogan: “Karo is wide open!”
Mike Goldberg: “Diaz smells the opening.”
Mike Goldberg: “You can hear the corner speaking portuguese!”
Joe Rogan: “Uh, that’s Japanese, brother”
Mike Goldberg: “I should have known that.”
Joe Rogan: “You’re the one married to a Japanese chick.”
Mike Goldberg: “That is correct.”
Frank Shamrock: “Ohhhh huge knee!”
Mike Goldberg: “Big knee!”
Frank Shamrock: “That was a huge knee!”
Mike Goldberg: “That knee was big!”
UFC 68
Goldberg: “Welcome back, Randy Couture. This fight brought to you by…” Sylvia gets knocked down in the first 8 seconds*
Rogan: “Big right hand! Sylvia is down!”
Goldberg: “…Shooter. Starring Mark Wahlberg in theatres next Friday.”
UFC 76 Machida vs. Nakamura
Mike Goldberg: “And here is Nakamura…entering the octagon for the 1st time…touching the fence for the first time.”
Joe Rogan: (laughs)“You running out things to say?”
Mike Goldberg: “Yeah. Kinda(laughs). You? You know, you could help out and chime in once in a while…”
UFC 79 Sokoudjou Vs. Machida
Mike Goldberg: “Because SOAKoudjou is so highly touted, you almost want to sit back and watch and SOAK it in.”
Mike Goldberg: “Don’t forget coming up next it’s Blade the series…plenty of action, violence, vampire sexuality!”
Rogan: “Vampire sexuality, what’s that?”
Goldberg: “I don’t know, it was on a card they put in front of me”
UFC 84 Wanderlei Silva vs Keith Jardine
After Wanderlei “The Axe Murderer” Silva knocks Keith Jardine out
Goldberg: “The Iceman is back to his winning ways!”
“The Dean of Mean” Keith Jardine vs Kerry Schall
Goldberg: “If Jardine’s last name were Johnson, the nickname Dean of Mean would make no sense.”
UFC 71 Parisyan vs Burkman
Joe Rogan: “He’s getting instructions in two different languages.”
Mike Goldberg: “He understands them both!”
on Travis Lutter
Mike Goldberg: “He’s like the Michael Jordan of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu!”
Joe Rogan: “No, he’s not”
Mike Goldberg: “Larry Bird?”
Joe Rogan: “Uhm, no.”
Mike Goldberg: “Kobe Bryant?”
Joe Rogan: “…”
UFC 74 Couture vs Gonzaga
Joe Rogan: “Here’s a beautifull left hook by Gonzaga.” Mike Goldberg: “Yup, You can clearly see his nose explode there.” Joe Rogan: “I don’t think that was it actually, the thing that damaged his nose was in a takedown.” Mike Goldberg: “Oh, Gotcha!”
Clip of Randy taking Gonzaga down (not the headbutt one)
Goldberg: “Oh yeah, you’re right, thats it, pardon me.” Rogan: “I don’t think it was there either, i think it was in another takedown.” Goldberg: “Oh.”
Clip of Randy slamming Gonzaga, which caused the broken nose due to a headbutt*
Rogan: “I believe this is what caused it, watch as he takes Gonzaga down, they both collide heads, BAM, thats it, right there.” Goldberg: “Oh, good call, good call.”
on Kenny Florian after taking a groin shot
Goldberg: “… So you want to be an Ultimate Fighter?”
on “Lil’ Evil” Jens Pulver vs. John Lewis
After “Lil’ Evil” Jens Pulver knocked Lewis out*
Goldberg: “”Lil’ Eagle” flies again!”
TUF 7 Finale
(on Diego Sanchez’s conditioning)
Goldberg: “It must take a lot of energy just to keep that mean look on his face”
Random Quotes
Goldberg: “He’s unrelentless!”
Goldberg: “You know Roy Jones Jr. respects the hands of Forrest Griffin.”
Goldberg: “And here we go!”
Goldberg: “And it’s all over!”
Goldberg: “That eye is rocked!”
Goldberg: “Could we be blessed with a 3rd round?”
Goldberg: “Continuing on his meteoric rise!”
Goldberg: “You know Joe, When Matt and his brother Mark Hughes were growing up they would pound each other behind the barn!”
This isn’t the first time I’ve read some song lyrics and it left me completely speechless, confused, and scared at the same time.
This weeks Terrible Song Lyrics of The Week are from the Artist named Flo Rida (because he rides flows?) from the song I Cry (We all do flo. We all do.) The track was first released on September 18, 2012 as the fourth single from his fourth studio album, Wild Ones.
Ok, let’s get started. But, there’s a problem. I don’t know where to start. I’ve read the lyrics from I Cry and it made ME cry because it was so TERRIBLE and CONFUSING. See below.
I know you wanna get behind the wheel Only 1 Rida
Eyes shut still got me swimming like a diver
Can’t let go I got fans in Okinawa
My heart to japan quake losers and surviours
Norway no you didn’t get my flowers
No way to sound better but the killer was a Coward
Face just showers, the minute in a hour
Heard about the news all day went sour
Lil mama got me feeling like a limit here
Put you in the box just the presidents cigarettes
Give em my regards or regardless I get arrested
Ain’t worried about the killers just the young & restless
Get mad coz the quarter million on my necklace
DUI never said I was driving reckless
You & I or jealously was not oppressive
Oh no I can’t stop I was Destined
You know those people who have legit and severe Attention Deficit Disorder? Where a conversation goes like this:
ADD Person: Hey. What’s up? You see Adrian Peterson run over everyone last week? It was awesome.
Me: Yea. He ran like a….
ADD Person: Uh Huh. Yea. Man the government spends too much. Don’t ya think?
Me: Well they certainly….
ADD Person: I have to poop.
Me: You have to what?
ADD Person: Was that a bird or a bat outside? Is it raining? Damn, I have to go grocery shopping today.
Well, that is basically Flo Rida. A terrible singer and songwriter with severe attention deficit disorder.
Can anyone read those lyrics and figure out W….T…..F Mr. Flo Rida is talking about? Because I can’t. He’s all over the board. One sentence he says, “Norway no you didn’t get my flowers” and in the very next he says, “No way to sound better but the killer was a Coward.” I can’t even make fun of it because it makes absolutely zero sense and I’m so confused. After reading those lyrics I’m pretty sure you or your worthless writer just looked in the dictionary, closed your eyes, and randomly pointed at words then put them together to try and form a sentence.
Mr. Flo Rida, your lyrics are definitely terrible.
My first post of death metal band name ideas was so helpful, I’m providing my services yet again. Below is post #2 of death metal band name ideas. Again, please thank Bill Burns or the FM Observer if you use any of the ideas below for your band. Any of these names are sure to get your band started off the right foot and kicking ass all over the planet.
Unicorn Dicks of Death Ass Fisters of Furry
Fatal Rotting Diseased Grandmas
Chronic Vommit
Robot Abortion
Revolting Baby Dismemberment
Cadaver Fuckers
Fat Roll Slammers W/Piss Farts
Death Devourment
Ball Sack Explosion
Chemical Plague
Lethal Snot Bomb
Pit Spike
Ginger Goats of Masturbation
Poo Stew
Diseased Breast Implants
Cock Grinder
Elephant Rapers
Cyclops Hookers
Bucket of Evil Tits
Stool Soup
Toilet of Acid
Coffin Robber Pimps
and last but not least…..
The Fart Fuckers On Acid Mountain of Morbid Carcass Masturbation Chevy Truck Bed Skunk Piss Barbie
Fargo, ND – You’ve probably heard of this company called Herbalife before. Either through your friends or your friends’ friends, and not by choice. Herbalife is a multi-level marketing company and pyramid scheme. They sell average, overpriced, nutrition/weight management/skin-care products.
How does it work? To become a cult member you will need to first murder and sacrifice 10 people. Just kidding! You need to sign up under a sponsor. Kind of the same thing. If you’ve been graced with common sense, like myself, this is the first of many where your bullshit meter will go off. A sponsor is someone who has already been accepted into the cult and will do whatever it takes to annoy the shit out of you until you yourself become a herbalife member under them and only under them. The more members they have under themselves the more money they make. Classic MLM bullshit. If you don’t want to become a distributor, then they will spew copious amounts of bullshit out of their mouth as to why you should buy their shitty overpriced products. This is high comedy. They like to pass themselves off as nutritionists or experts on nutrition. This is just great entertainment for the whole family so be sure to seem very interested when these rocks-for-brains start acting like they actually know what the hell they are talking about.
They try and sell you a dream, a lifestyle. More classic MLM and Pyramid scheme bullshit. What they will tell you is that you can make shit loads of money. “If you sign up under me and buy more shit, you’ll be able to buy yourself a yacht filled with pet dinosaurs in no time! It’s that great!” Sorry numbnuts. Come back to me in a year and let me know how well you’re doing and how much money you’re making. Then take me out on your yacht and we can do herbalife things like the people in the picture below. But, more then likely you don’t have a yacht and are still broke because herbalife is taking all your money.
“I do herbalife things from a boat!”
So you’ve murdered and sacrificed 10 people, sold yourself to the devil, finally gave in and signed up under your sponsor. Now what? Now it’s time to annoy the living shit out of everyone you know to either try and get them to buy shit from you or sign up under you. Your mom, dad, sister, aunt, pet hamster, dog, great grandmother who is dead, everyone. It is within your herbalife cult code of conduct to literally try and make everyone hate you. Literally. They probably won’t tell you, but they do. They hate you. After you’ve annoyed the living shit out of enough people, maybe one or two will cave and start buying your crap only because they want you to shut the hell up and don’t want to talk to you until you ‘place your next order.’
Throw parties!
Ok enough. Enough with the herbalife ‘parties.’ It’s not a fucking party. You want me and everyone else to come over and BUY SHIT. “You don’t have to buy anything.” Well no shit. I don’t go to parties to buy shit. I go to parties to do shots, chug 50 beers, and snort cocaine off tits. That’s a god damn party.
You’re not a business owner or an entrepreneur
I keep seeing these cult members mention their ‘herbalife business’ and how they ‘started their own business’. The main purpose of a business is to increase the wealth of its OWNER. Meaning, the actual owner of HERBALIFE (not you) is making a ton of money. You (herbalife cult member) are an employee. A salseperson for the actual business owner. You make the actual business owners money. You are also a customer. That’s right. You’re their number one customer.
You are not a business owner and probably never will be so quit with your bullshit, ok? Start an actual business and we’ll start taking you seriously. Here’s an idea, “Hooker Tit Diner.” A late night diner & drive-in. If you actually start that then I’ll be your herbalife bitch, now and forever.
