Category Archives: Recipes For Success

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Top 10 Responses To FMO’s Man-On-The-Street Question: What If The Unthinkable Happens?

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FMO's Man-On-The-Street wants to know what you think!

FMO’s Man-On-The-Street wants to know what U think!

Fargo, ND – Our main man, Peter Quisling, is back out on the unswept sidewalks of the infamous Downtown Fargo, asking random people his most interesting Question-of-the-Day: What if the unthinkable happens?

After gathering hundreds of answers, Peter has compiled his Top Ten List of responses to the question:

What if…the Unthinkable happens?!

10. I would rather not think about it.

9. Excuse me, but do we know each other?

8. If Trump got elected, I’d move back to Cuba.

7. This is why I always keep extra Xanax on hand.

6. Honestly, I would probably go get an abortion.

5. Is this some sort of joke? Where’s the camera?

4. My family and I would most likely move to Vergas.

3. Isn’t this why we all have insurance coverage?!

2. I still think Hillary could be president from prison.

1. My answer is two simple words: Panic Room.

Lime Disease Traced Back To Margarita Happy Hours

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Lime Disease linked to jumbo on-the-rocks margaritas!

Rochester, MN – At the Hellmann’s Mayo Clinic, researchers have positively linked Lime Disease to the excessive drinkage of lime-flavored margaritas.

Scientific data shows that people who consume multiple jumbo lime margaritas (usually during those discount-priced happy hours) are sixty times more likely to get Lime Disease than their non-margarita-drinking counterparts who religiously attend church choir practice.

Q: Can you still get Lime Disease if you don’t drink the jumbo lime margaritas?

A: Yes, of course you can. However, the chances of that happening are about as good as John Kasich getting to 1,237 delegates before the GOP convention.

Q: Is there anything that jumbo lime margarita drinkers can do to lessen their chances of contracting the dreaded Lime Disease?

A: No, not really, except perhaps to maybe join a church and volunteer to religiously sing in the church choir. Another tip would be to avoid attending any outdoor concerts where disease-carrying ticks might be waiting to bite into you just like someone who is hungry enough to eat a horse would bite into McDonald’s new McPony Sandwich.

Dolphin Correctly Picks Every Game In First Two Rounds Of March Madness

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Debbie predicted that Michigan State and Xavier were going down!

Dolphin, Virginia – A smiling dolphin named Debbie successfully beat the odds and picked every game correctly in the first two rounds of the 2016 NCAA Basketball Tournament.

The exact number of different combinations for just Round One’s 32 games is 2 to the power of 32 which comes out to: 4,294,967,296!

Even tho there were only five big “upsets” in Rounds 1 & 2 based on seeding numbers, Debbie had chosen the following five teams to lose: #2 Michigan State, #3 West Virginia, #4 California, #3 Utah, and #2 Xavier. At the time she made her picks, Debbie’s trainers thought she was crazy.

Debbie has also made her picks for the rest of the March Madness Tournament. Even though there are 32,768 different combinations of winners for the remaining 15 games, Debbie seems quite confident that she knows what the hell she’s doing.

Besides picking basketball games, Debbie can also play basketball. She has a mean reverse lay-up and is deadly from 3-point land.

Fargo Boy Holding Helium Balloons Now Somewhere Over Michigan

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Parents: “If only he would have let go right away, maby we wouldn’t have lost our baby.”

(Somewhere over) Flint, Michigan – While playing with a bunch of helium balloons in the backyard, seven year old Tommy Sauerson decided to grab “just a few more”.

As the second-grader from Fargo’s Heritage Lower Skool began to lift off the ground, his parents were too busy making videos of Tommy with their smartphones to realize what was going on before it was too late.

By the time Tommy’s parents started to yell instructions to let go of the balloons, Tommy was already higher than their weeping willow tree.

Military radar has been tracking Tommy, who was last seen still holding onto his bunch of balloons, somewhere over Flint, Michigan.

Mrs. Sauerson rapped: “It all happened so fast. Now it’s in the past. How long will this last?”

Aesop’s moral to the story: You’ll lose touch with your kids if they start getting high at too early of an age.

Large Quantities Of Hydrogen And Oxygen Found In Fargo’s Water Supply

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Fargo concerned about Hydrogen and Oxygen found in city water.

Fargo is quite concerned about Hydrogen and Oxygen found in city water.

Fargo, ND – Some newly-available digital testing instruments have shown that Fargo’s water supply contains unusually large amounts of Hydrogen and Oxygen.

Delroy Chitlins is the acting manager of Fargo’s Water Treatment Facility (while Marv Trotman is on an extended unpaid leave of absence):

“Yeah, me and my assistants, we each concurd that we gots lots of Oxygen, and then I’d say, oh, about twice that amount of Hydrogen here in the water, at the plant here, so yeah, that’s pretty much the situation then, for right now,” reports Chitlins.

Until Delroy and his small staff can look into the situation further, Fargo residents are being asked to voluntarily cut back on the amount of water they drink and instead switch to beer.

Chitlins: “Yeah, we’ll letcha know when the coast is clear here, but until that time, just keep on having a few cold ones until we can figure out what the heck is going on here.”

Pinochle Banned In The State Of North Dakota

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North Dakota bans Pinochle!

North Dakota bans Pinochle!

Bismarck, ND – In its infinite wisdom, the state of North Dakota has banned the game of Pinochle.

Based on an anonymous complaint from Mr. Simon DeFalco that some other seasoned citizens were playing Pinochle for untaxed prizes, the ND legislature unanimously passed a bill outlawing Pinochle in North Dakota.

Pinochle is an ancient card game dating back to the Greeks. Socrates taught Plato Pinochle, who in turn taught Aristotle, who in turn brought Pinochle to America on the Pinta with Columbus in 1492.

Pinochle players in North Dakota will now either have to: 1. switch to Cribbage, 2. take their Pinochle playing underground and behind curtains, or 3. travel to Minnesota, which is one of the most liberal states in the nation when it comes to playing Pinochle.

The heart-felt reaction to the new law from the president of North Dakota’s Pinochle Clubs, Mr. Diamond Spader went like this: “Well, when Pinochle is outlawed, then only outlaws will play Pinochle.”

Minnesota’s Turtle Hunting Season Soon To Open

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Brave turtle hunters will soon begin their quest to kill a prize turtle.

Brave turtle hunters will soon begin their quest to kill a large turtle to make turtle soup.

Turtle River, MN – It’s almost that exciting time of year again when turtle hunters of all shapes and sizes come out of their shells and gear up to go turtle hunting.

Minnesota reports that a record number of turtle hunting licenses have been sold this year.

Last year nearly 90,000 turtles were harvested from Minnesota lakes, rivers, and swamps.

Mondo Chafley is the president of Turtles Unlimited: “Yah, me ready to go turtle huntin. Me wana make turtle soup for dah hole family.”

By participating in Minnesota’s annual turtle hunt, people can re-enact American history going way back to 1805:

The story goes that a popular British rock band named Lewis & Clark was on tour in Minnesota with their families. They enjoyed the sport of turtle hunting so much that their sons eventually went on the form the band “The Turtles” who topped the charts with their smash hit: “Happy Together”.

Peyton Manning Announces Formation Of Senior Football League

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Peyton Manning lays out plans for new SFL (Senior Football League)

Peyton Manning lays out plans for new SFL (Senior Football League) whose headquarters will be in Omaha

Denver, CO – During Peyton Manning’s formal announcement of retirement from the Denver Broncos, he used the opportunity to also discuss plans for his new Senior Football League.

Peyton Manning: “Even though this is the end of a football chapter for a man, it is also the beginning of a new football chapter for mankind.”

The two-time Super Bowl champion went on to say that he and Brett Favre have been kicking this idea around for some time and are now ready to kick it through the uprights.

“Many players who retire from the NFL don’t really want to stop playing football,” Manning points out.

“If they still want to compete and perhaps need to earn some extra money, the SFL will provide aging players (and cheerleaders) the opportunity to continue their football careers just like in the sports of golf, tennis, and Sumo wrestling.”

Fargo To Host 55th Annual National Taxicology Conference

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Exciting speakers energize attendees at the Annual National Taxicology Conference!

Fargo, ND – Fargo will soon be home to the 55th Annual National Taxicology Conference.

Taxicologists from all across the country will descend upon Fargo to learn the latest about everything in the world of Taxicology!

As you know, Taxicology is the study of the adverse effects that occur in living humanoids due to overly-burdensome taxation.

The build-up of too much taxation from every level of government plus all the various sales taxes can almost act like a poison on a person’s financial well-being.

Conference attendees will learn about: Taxic Shock Syndrome, Botax, how to help clients go through Detax, and various ways to deal with those nasty Taxic Headaches.

Taxicologists are also quite well-known for enjoying some serious intaxicating conversations during their Happy Hour “Caring & Sharing” sessions, which are often followed by making a splash in the pool.

All Climate Change Deniers To Be ‘Rounded Up’ And Sent To Work Camps

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Welcome to Carbon Footprint Global Warming Work Camp

Welcome to Global Warming Work Camp!

Marfa, TX – Ever since the threat of carbon emissions was deemed to be the #1 threat to our country’s safety, Big Government is wasting no time in dealing with deniers of Climate Change.

All who have publicly (or privately) denied Global Warming, or Climate Change in general, will be forcibly gathered by the U.S. Marshals Service and transported (free-of-charge) to one of many Federal detention facilities which have been thoughtfully set up in extremely remote parts of the country, such as Marfa, Texas.

At these “Denier Workcamps”, guests will be invited to self-tutorialize themselves on Climate Change facts and figures, perform various experiments on fracking and carbon dioxide pollution, make posters for upcoming Climate Change protests, and maby even help Algore collect unpaid carbon footprint taxes.

If you have ever overtly expressed doubt about Global Warming or Climate Change, expect a firm knock on your door by fully-armed U.S. Marshals sooner rather than later.