Kids Warned Against Playing Outside During Nice Summer Months

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Don’t let your kids play outside because it’s probably the worst thing they can do.

Fair Play, TX – The American Safety Society is warning parents to warn their children to not play outside this summer.

“Inside the house is where you should play, for sure at night and also during the day,” raps Dr. Daisy Eplin, who currently presides over the American Safety Society.

Dr. Eplin goes on: “Research shows that going outside to play, on a beautiful summery day, is tantamount to eating sugary snacks, while sitting on railroad tracks.”

According to American Safety Society documentation, the many benefits of keeping your kids indoors include: higher IQ, increased tech savviness, fewer broken bones, less chance of bug bites and getting kidnapped, less bullying, improved self esteem, and better social networking skills.

Ironically, all the letters in Daisy Eplin can safely be re-arranged to spell: Play Inside!

To Show Respect, They’re Leaving Barbara Bush On The One Dollar Bill

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First Lady Barbara Bush will happily remain on the one dollar bill until further notice.

Washington, DC – Out of respect for former First Lady Barbara Bush, the Treasury Department has instructed the Federal Reserve to keep her picture on the one dollar bill, as it has been for decades.

As sitting Treasury Secretary, Steven Mnuchin believes we need to stand up and keep honoring former First Lady Barbara Bush by leaving her picture on the dollar bill where she has gracefully been since the Reagan administration.

President Trump, who might have had something to do with this decision, agrees that leaving Barbara Bush on the dollar bill is the right thing to do, while adding: “Someday soon, I would like to see Melania on some of our money, and I think most would agree that would be a really great thing!”

Fargo Family Finds Gold Bars Inside Walls Of Their Newly Purchased Older Home

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Walls filled with gold bars found in North Fargo home.

Fargo, ND – After purchasing an older home in North Fargo for about $240,000, Mr. Dell Glawson and his dear wife Goldie decided to remodel their older home by knocking out a few of the main floor walls.

In going for that more “open-concept” look, two of the old walls dividing the kitchen and living room had to be removed, which they chose to do themselves.

What Mr. Dell Glawson and his lovely wife Goldie soon discovered inside their walls was shiny gold bars stacked from floor to ceiling.

Based on the current price of gold, it is estimated that the gold they found in their walls is worth about $24 million dollars, or almost exactly 100 times more than the purchase price of their older home.

Ironically, Goldie’s Chinese fortune cookie the night before their big discovery predicted: “Mega-wealth will soon come a-knocking.”

Double ironically, all of the letters in Dell Glawson can be remodeled to spell: Golden Walls!

Sign Up To Join The FMO Birthday Club For Only $100

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For a mere $100, you will enjoy all the perks of being a proud member of the FMO Birthday Club.

West Fargo, ND – Are you a person who has a birthday and who likes to have fun? Have you been looking for a way to make perfunctory birthdays more functory?

May we suggest that you join the FM Observer Birthday Club by sending us all of your personal identifying information, along with $100 for shipping and handling.

From there, the possibilities are endless!

On or near your birthday, you may receive a personal call or visit from The Pope who might even give you a free rosary, and show you different cool things you can do with it!

We may do a satirically fake-news post about you on our website and unleash it to go viral in South Dakota!

You possibly could get any number of hot pizzas delivered to your current GPS location and/or multiple singing telegrams by entire robed church choirs!

Your name might be entered into a drawing to travel with us to Goosey Goosey Island for an endless bonfire weekend where you may be taught our secret double handshake and possibly be given your very own emergency whistle.

By joining the FMO Birthday Club for only $100, you could maybe win a lifetime supply of some random items selected especially for you.

Finally, for any new and fully-paid members to the FMO Birthday Club, you will not only be invited to go to the Humane Society and select yourself a free puppy, but you will also get to name it and keep it for the rest of your lives!

New Starbucks Bathroom Policy Welcomes All

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If you need a bathroom now, now think Starbucks!

Seattle, WA – After undergoing some much needed racial sensitivity training, Starbucks Coffee has come up with a new bathroom policy for all its locations across the country.

Starbucks new Open Door bathroom policy will let anyone use any of their three bathrooms at any time.

The fine print of their new Open Door policy does have a few additional clauses worth noting:

A. You must be carrying in your hand a recently purchased Starbucks coffee with you, along with your receipt, or

B. You must either be a Starbucks employee or be close personal friends with someone who is currently working at that particular location, or

C. You have been pre-approved to do so by joining the Starbucks Bathroom Club and are currently wearing your Starbucks Bathroom Club button with its scannable barcode.

Full Disclosure: Sean Hannity And Michael Cohen Are Brothers From Another Mother

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DNA proves Sean Hannity and Michael Cohen are half brothers from different mothers.

New York, NY – Thanks to porn star Stormy Daniels, we have now found out that Sean Hannity and Michael Cohen are brothers from another mother.

According to DNA evidence, both men had the same father but each was from a different mother.

Sean Hannity’s maternal DNA points to Margaret Thatcher whilst Michael Cohen’s mother most likely is Janet Reno.

Both women had secret affairs with William F. Buckley Jr. who is then by default believed to be the father of both men.

According to our legal team, since Sean Hannity and Michael Cohen are half brothers, their conversational communications should then have been protected by the brother-brother family privacy privilege, and therefore not admissable in a court of law, so help them God.

Musician “Flips The Bird” To Fargo Crowd While Suppposedly Trying To Play The F-Chord

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Playing the F-chord is justifiable way of flipping the bird while maintaining plausible deniability.

Fargo, ND – Some surprised listeners in the crowd of a small Fargo bar got upset when the solo musician performing on stage repeatedly gave them the middle finger during her show.

To be fair, some hecklers had been yelling out that the music at the relatively small venue was too loud for the space and had been asking for the volume to be turned down.

After the musician tried explaining that what may have appeared to be “flipping the bird” was simply her trying to play the F-chord on the guitar, some of the bar patrons took that to be a stealth reference to getting the F-bomb.

How do you feel about this? Was the crowd being too sensitive? Do you like loud music in small bars? If the musician was flipping off the crowd, was it justified? Were you aware that the F-chord is now a secret new F-bomb?

Court Artist Accused Of Drawing-Under-The-Influence At Cohen/Daniels Court Hearing

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Most agree that this court artist must’ve been under the influence of drugs, but you can draw your own conclusions.

New York, NY – The artist chosen to do sketches at the Stormy Daniels/Michael Cohen court hearing has been accused of DUI (Drawing Under The Influence).

Just as many famous artists have successfully used drugs to embellish or enhance their work, federal court artists are not supposed to share that same luxury.

The artist in question is named Audi Ritts, who normally produces decently recognizable sketches.

But when Judge Kimba Wood asked Mr. Ritts to try and draw a straight line, it was obvious that Audi had been perhaps using the pot, or something of that nature.

In light of this stunning development, the Judge declared a misdrawing, and therefore, the hearing will have to be re-sketched.

Interestingly, all of the letters in Audi Ritts can be redrawn to spell: DUI Artist!

Vanna White And Pat Sajak Getting Divorced After Thirty Five Years

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Nothing lasts forever.

Hollywood, CA – The stars of America’s favorite game show are finally getting divorced.

Pat Sajak and Vanna White have decided to call it quits after thirty five good years of marriage.

The final phrase on the Wheel Of Fortune prior to them announcing their divorce was “irreconcilable differences”.

In their split-up, attorneys say Vanna will get the the cruises and most of the consonants, while Pat will get the cars, all the vowels and the letter “X”.

Vanna White will get to keep all 6,500 of the dresses she’s worn on the show, and hopefully neither will land on “Bankrupt” anytime soon. 

FMO Considering Starting Our Own Line Of Wedding Anniversary Cards

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Getting married is a big milestone. Staying married is a major miracle!

West Fargo, ND – As promised, your FM Observer is seriously pondering coming out of the closet with our own line of wedding anniversary cards.

We’ll make our final decision whether or not to do so based on your feedback. If you like our card ideas, we’ll probably launch the venture. If you don’t like our anniversary card ideas, then we’ll launch for sure – probably even with a big launch party!

♥ Your face is still my favorite face, except for my facebook page.

♥ Every time I do our laundry I discover new things about you.

♥ Happy Anniversary, Baby! I love you more than I did a year ago.

♥ I love everything about you, except for the things that really bother me.

♥ Even though you sometimes have a funny way of showing it, I know you still love me.

♥ Here’s 2 another year of being married 2 each other: I 2 you, you 2 me, K I S S I N G :o^

♥ I know it’s been a long tough year, but hopefully it will get a lot easier…for both of us.

♥ I know some things I do really bug you, but please don’t flush me from the toilet of your heart.

♥ Except for buying a dog, marrying you was the smartest thing I have ever done in my entire life!

♥ One year ago today, you made me the happiest person on earth, and I still kind of feel the same way.

♥ God gave you to me to be my love partner. Hopefully you and God feel the same way about me for you.

♥ Since we’ve now been married for another full year, let’s celebrate by getting drunk for one full week!

♥ I’m so lucky to have you to take care of me. Thanks for putting up with me during this last long year. Sorry!

♥ I still remember the way my heart leaped when you got down on your knee and asked me to be your spousemate. Thanks!

♥ This last year has been 365 days long. I’m so glad our marriage has somehow survived each and every day…and night.

♥ I never dreamed that loving you could bring so much love into my loveless heart of hearts until (and since) we got married by love.

♥ Amazingly, after getting to know you better over this last year, you are seriously quite amazing. Jokingly, you are also very amazing.