Tag Archives: obamacare

Corona Virus Now Treatable With Extra Lime

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Use two limes to protect yourself against the deadly Corona Virus.

Corona, SD – With another disease heading our way from China, our very own Dr. Orvin Caruso who lives and works in Corona, South Dakota is already well ahead of this new and potentially deadly virus.

Dr. Caruso first points out that the Corona Virus is a meat-eating virus since the letters in 🅲🅾🆁🅾🅽🅰 🆅🅸🆁🆄🆂 can be quickly mutated into spelling: 🅲🅰🆁🅽🅸🆅🅾🆁🅾🆄🆂

Orv goes on to explain that since we now know that the 🅲🅾🆁🅾🅽🅰 🆅🅸🆁🆄🆂 is of the 🅲🅰🆁🅽🅸🆅🅾🆁🅾🆄🆂 type, its spreading can be effectively quelled by using an extra lime with your Corona, like pirates did to prevent scurvy.

“Instead of one lime, simply use two,” Dr. Caruso spells out, as if we’re all back in first grade.

Amazingly, all of the letters in “Orvin Caruso” can be mutated into spelling: Corona Virus!

Former President Jimmy Carter Says Jesus Would Drink Heineken And Vote To Legalize Recreational Marijuana

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Jimmy Carter knows what Jesus would think.

Plains, GA – Former President Jimmy Carter declared this week that Jesus Christ would drink Heineken and approve of recreational marijuana.

The 39th president, who describes himself as a two-time born-again Christian, says that after his second rebirth, he believes that Jesus would drink Heineken beer and also vote to make recreational marijuana legal in all states, except for Utah.

He went on to say he thought Jesus would think that President Carter was one of the best presidents in the history of our country, ranked right up there with President Obama and Woodrow Wilson.

When asked how he knows what Jesus Christ would think, he simply answered with a big smile: “Besides having the same initials, we were both carpenters.”

North Fargo’s Ponyland To Become Largest Refugee Resettlement Camp In America

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North Fargo's Ponyland to be the site of a 5,000 tent Syrian refugee resettlement camp.

North Fargo’s Ponyland to be the site of a 5,000-tent Syrian refugee resettlement camp.

North Fargo, ND – City Commissioners unanimously approved moving ahead with the rezoning of Ponyland into a Syrian refugee resettlement camp.

Workers have already begun transforming the old Ponyland into what will soon be home to 50,000 Syrian refugees living in 5,000 tents.

The new Ponyland tent city will also have 50 latrines, five mini-mosques, a special tent for free Obamacare, plus an outdoor petting zoo and an indoor ping pong activity center.

“There is not a lot of wiggle room when President Obama signs an executive order that basically demands we make this happen”, says Ponyland president Yemane Fikru.

“However, I’m thinking this will be a win/win type of scenario because North Fargo needs a boost, a shot-in-the-arm if you will, so let this be North Fargo’s big booster shot, to begin its revival, back to a thriving community just like South Fargo, West Fargo, and East Fargo.”

God: ObamaCare Disrupting My Plan

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jesus-tearHeaven, Planet Earth—Since the 44th President of these United States invented a way for people who couldn’t afford or were denied health insurance benefits to affordably obtain health insurance benefits, the Great And Omnipotent One has taken notice. God, in all his Power and Glory, voiced his mighty concern over what He feels people are using to cheat His system:

“AS I’VE BRAINWASHED YOU ALL TO BELIEVE, YOU ARE ALL PART OF GOD’S PLAN. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. A TWISTER DECIMATED YOUR HOME FOR A REASON. YOU’RE WELCOME. YOUR 4-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER AMANDA CONTRACTED LEUKEMIA FOR A REASON. YOU’RE WELCOME. BUT NOW, WITH YOUR TIMELY ACQUISITION OF HEALTH INSURANCE VIA OBAMACARE, LITTLE AMANDA’S PRE-EXISTING CONDITION WON’T GO UNTREATED AND SHE MAY ACTUALLY LIVE. THIS IS ONE OF MANY UNFORTUNATE INSTANCES IN WHICH MY GRAND DESIGN FOR A HUMAN LIFE HAS BECOME GREATLY DISRUPTED. SAAAAD PAAANDA.”

Prior to the implementation of the Affordable Care Act, Amanda’s parents would have been denied health insurance due largely in part to Amanda contracting leukemia before her family obtained coverage. Now, under these new laws, Amanda and her parents can go to battle against a life-threatening illness and not become homeless and/or bankrupt as a result.

One Millionth ObamaCare Signee To Receive Free Healthcare For Life

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YOU might be our one millionth customer!

YOU might be our one millionth customer!

Washington, DC—In an effort to bolster support for his controversial new healthcare system, President Obama announced today that the 1,000,000th Affordable Care Act registrar will be awarded free healthcare for life.

“Unlimited doctor visits, a lifetime of x-rays, more prescription pills than your kidneys and liver can handle. They’ll fill you so full of chemotherapy, it’ll be coming out your eye-holes!” Obama proclaimed during a late-afternoon White House presser.

“The Affordable Care Act is meant to provide low-cost health insurance to many, but our one millionth customer will enjoy free MRIs, CATs, PAPs and EKGs for life,” the President added. “No paying out the ass for premiums and deductibles for one lucky Joe. No crippling debt as a result of too many doctor visits for one lucky dog. So, sign up! Let’s get to one million! Yes we can! Yes we can!”

Obama finished the press conference by throwing a handful of ObamaCare KEEP THIS COUPON tickets into the crowd. Who will be the one millionth signee? Visit www.healthcare.gov to find out more.

OBAMACAR: If You Like Your Car, You Can Keep Your Car

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Under ObamaCar, you can keep your current car, if you like it

Under ObamaCar, you can keep your current car, if you like it…period!

Warshington, DC – President Obama’s new Affordable Car Act (or as many affectionately call it: ‘ObamaCar’) was secretly rammed through Congress by Democrats in the middle of the night, while unsuspecting Republicans were asleep at the wheel.

Then, to sell the flawed plan to the American people, President Obama repeatedly told cheering hand-picked crowds in all the blue states:

“If you like your car, you can keep your car…period!”

“You and your family, yawl can keep your car, if you like it!”

“I guarantee that if you like your car dealership, and you like your car, you will be able to keep them!”

Unfortunately, it is not playing out this way.

Under ObamaCar, millions of Americans who thought that they would be able to keep their cars, are now losing them.

With the ever-expanding government now taking control of all car dealerships, and mandating that Americans purchase a government-approved ObamaCar, automobile prices are now starting to sky rocket (just as Senator Cruz predicted).

Plus, a new round of taxes will kick in right after the elections to help pay for part of the giant new bureaucracy that is being created to run it all.

The Automobile Device Tax will significantly raise taxes on the Middle Class to pay for free ObamaCars to be given to all undocumented Democrats.

You have until the end of February to get rid of your unapproved car and purchase an ObamaCar, or the IRS will be scheduling you and all your relatives for full audits.

President Obama has personally hired an army of ObamaCar Navigators who are paid well to teach you how to “beat the system”. Many of these Navigators are convicted felons. Some of them will soon be getting out of prison and would love to visit your home and get to know you.

To sign up for ObamaCar, you can either use the handy-dandy website: ObamaCar.gov (which is not ready yet), or call a helpful ObamaCar Navigator via the toll-free number: 1-800-SCREW-YOU.

Government Healthcare Bullies Americans Into Giant SNAFU

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The new face of healthcare.

The new face of healthcare.

Warshington, DC – As the tentacles of Obamacare grow deeper into what’s left of the American Dream, citizens are being coerced into compliance with a most unpopular law.

President Obama initially blamed the Obamacare website glitches on exceptionally high interest in the newly overhauled health insurance marketplace.

Apparently all the problems being encountered at www.Healthcare.gov are because of an unanticipated surge of web traffic from a high demand by people seeking to buy coverage under the new law.

Some may have forgotten that the high level of interest in Obamacare might, instead, be due to the fact that Americans are being mandated to buy government health insurance under the threat of serious fines, tax penalties, and imprisonment.

Being forced into buying something while being threatened is quite different than deciding on your own to make a purchase of your own free will.

Not surprisingly, the day after all the website problems were blamed on high volumes of interest in Obamacare, the government admitted that the problems may have been due to faulty website design and software problems.

Instead of exceptionally high levels of interest being the culprit, it was determined that the www.Healthcare.gov website is troubled by sloppy software problems and flaws in the basic architectural design of the system.

In the name of transparency, the Obamadministration has declined to say the total number of enrollees in the new Obamacare system.

To help test the new website, please go to www.Healthcare.gov often and leave it up on all of your browsers for long periods of time, so they can see if their website server capacity is adequate to handle all the “interest” in getting signed up for government-run healthcare.