Author Archives: Bill Burns

About Bill Burns

Bill grew up in one of the largest cities in the United States, Maza, North Dakota. Being a cow milker by trade, it was only after stroking thousands upon thousands of cow nipples was he able to save up enough money and move to Fargo, ND. It was here that he joined FM Observer. In his free time he enjoys carving rocking horses out of wood, healing the sick, and running marathons across oceans.

Bigfoot, also known as Sasquatch, photobombs Mars Curiosity photo.

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Bigfoot is a name given to an ape-like creature that people believe inhabits forests in North America.  Scientists discredit the existence of Bigfoot due to lack of physical evidence.

Scientists can discredit no longer.

NASA and Mars Curiosity would like nothing more than to send back breathtaking photos of the alien planet.  Bigfoot will have none of that.  Mars Curiosity recently sent back an image from Mars that clearly shows Bigfoot deliberately photobombing.

CLICK TO VIEW Bigfoot photobombing a Mars Curiosity photo!

We know all too well that Bigfoot loves to photobomb here on earth but nobody knew the extent bigfoot would take to photobomb on another planet!

How they got there we have no idea but we can surely expect to see the believers release more photos of the suspected bigfoot in more photobombs.

Olympic Shame! Live Raping In Front of Large Audience!

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London – The Olympics is a sports tradition that dates back thousands of years.  It’s a great honor to be a part of.  That is, unless you are getting raped in front of a large audience.

That’s exactly what happened during an olympic wrasling match this past weekend.  The audience disgustingly just sat there, watched, and did NOTHING!  Nobody stepped forward to help these poor men.

It all started when the red guy started raping the blue guy as you can see below.  You can see the blue guy disoriented and in pain.  Struggling to free himself from the man on top trying to get into his manhole.

That’s not it however.  The blue guy gets his attacker off of his bum and in a weird and shocking turn of events, starts raping the red guy!  Was it revenge or was he turned on by being raped?  We will never know but he can be seen putting the heat on the red guy hard.

After the match, they were both seen weeping in their locker rooms.  The Olympic Committee will review these events and see if they will press charges.

In the announcers own words, “He was beaten up, battered…”  That he was.  That he was.

Red River Fargo Sex Doll Rescue

Red River Plays Sick Joke. Drowning Inflatable Doll Sparks 20 Man Police Rescue.

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Red River Fargo Sex Doll RescueFargo, ND – The Red River is back in the news again.  Not too long ago we reported the Red River being a dickhead and getting on the residents bad side. In a following story, the Red River and it’s residents made up and were adorably able to live with each other peacefully again. Well, the Red River has become bored because it’s back to fucking with its residents again.

The Red River of the Fargo-Moorhead area is back to its old self. This time playing a sick joke on its local residents and police.

20 Police officers were called on scene in Fargo, ND this Tuesday morning after a concerned witness said a lady was in distress in the Red River.

According to a local witness, this dramatic scene attracted over 50 spectators which were blocking and hindering police rescue attempts.

After 20 min of complete chaos, police were absolutely horrified. It turns out that they had not rescued a drowning female but in fact rescued an inflatable sex doll from the river.

A shocked crowd quickly dispersed upon seeing the  disgusting inflatable sex doll. Spectators were even seen covering the eyes of their children as to not witness the deflated and deformed sex doll’s breasts.

Following the rescue, police officers said they were forced to act on the rescue as the sex doll had a similar size and appearance of a real human female.

In an attempt to get back at the River, The Fargo Police were last seen trying to get a semen sample from the sex doll victim to see if the Red River had raped it.

I can only wait with anticipation what trick the Red River will pull on its residents next.

Coctail bar neon sign glowing

Don’t Rent The Wrong Flick. Our List of MUST SEE Movies.

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West Fargo, ND – We want to make sure you don’t walk into the video store and rent the wrong movie so we have compiled a list of the MUST SEE movies.  All with correct title names so you don’t get confused.  Make some popcorn, get your favorite blanket, and light a fire. Watch any of the highly acclaimed videos below and enjoy a relaxing night in.

Beat Me With Your Penis
Home With Aids.  Orgy of Death.
Grandmas Glory Hole
Poo Orgys Anonymous
Cramfest
Bang-a-lang-a-ding dong
Piss On My Tits Then Punch Me In The Face
The Magic Bone
The Cock Ticklers of Breast Mountain
Titpissers
Mouth Farts For You
Itty Bitty Boner Titty
Rape Fantasy Island
Hong Kong Shlongs
Penis Killers
Gaydar Cops of L.A.
Hellbeasts of Whore Island
The Essence of Sex part 4 of 5: ANALLINGUS
Father Abuse
Sleep Fuckers
Rape Me When I’m Dead
Celebration on The Summit of Fuck Mountain
For The Love of Cum
666 Sinister Sexers
She’s Wearing His Genes
Fuck Me Till I Retarded
Brain Me With Your DickBoner
Pierce Me With Your Penis
Yeast Infectors
Juggling Ball Abusers
Pool Party of Piss Kissers
Ass Raiders

I know this list will prove to be useful to you so don’t forget to print it out and carry it with you wherever you go.

ankle_weights_red_river_valley_fair

One Man Comes To Conquer The Red River Valley Fair And…………

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West Fargo, ND – The Red River Valley Fair in West Fargo is a tough playground to stand out in.  People from all over dress their best in the efforts to stand out, possibly grind their naked genitals together, or become the latest homicide victim.

In the midst of all the back boobs, hooker shoes, tight cowboy jeans, cowboy shorts, and swass (sweaty ass),only one man can stand out.  And that man is……..this guy.

ankle_weights_red_river_valley_fair

“I lift wrist weights.  You wanna do me?”

This man is sporting some super cool board shorts.  Where he was before the fair I am not sure.  I can only guess he was pretending to surf some waves at the kiddy pool so I would definitely ask your kids if anything “out of the ordinary” happened.  The shorts are then complimented by a nice DC surfer jacket.  Again, probably riding some waves in the kiddy pool.  Check with your kids.  To top it all off, he is wearing wrist weights which were on his ankles earlier in the evening.  This is totally a baller move.  Wrist weights will get you the chicks and this guy knows it.

This guy eluded me two times while trying to capture his picture.  I was in the stands when I first spotted this creature.  He was walking casually by with his rockin’ ankle weights and was lost amongst the concert crowd.  Disappointed, I sat waiting, lurking, hoping for the chance to spot this creature again.  Then there he was, making his rounds again.  This time I ran down into the crowd to try and stalk this creature, gather research, but he eluded me yet again.  Not giving up, I left my position and walked around looking for him.  God was with me this day because as I was standing there drinking my beer that tasted like piss, he walked right past me.  Excited, I pounced on the opportunity and finally got my short video to provide you all with.  Prize will be awarded if you can correctly name this species.

As I was leaving the fair guess who was there?  It was ankle weight guy running around with children.  It completed my entire night.

So, I think it’s fair to say that this man came to conquer The Red River Valley Fair and……….. KICKEDFUCKINASS!!!!

Red River Valley Fair Concert Goer Still Dealing With PTSD Symptoms

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West Fargo, ND – The smell of vomit, stale beer, and body odor has passed.  The site of the latest fashion trends and best dressed citizens have all but moved on to the next fair or redneck gathering.  What hasn’t gone away is poor little Sarah’s vivid images and sounds she was a witness to on the night of JULY 13, 2012.

What Sarah is experiencing is a serious condition called Post-traumatic stress disorder. A type of anxiety disorder many concert and fair goers experience after the fair is long gone.

On this particular night, Sarah went to the fair with her ever loving parents.  After taking in the rides and playing some games, they went to see Jerrod Niemann who is supposedly a country music artist.

What happens next is explained in the picture below. Sarah was sitting there expecting to hear some decent music when this country music artist decided to break into a Bob Marley cover song.  Yes that’s right, a country music artist playing a Bob Marley song.  Sarah is seen in utter despair and crying as she tries to keep her ear drums from exploding.  Her parents comforted her and tried to cheer her up but it was no use.  Sarah had to sit in terror through the rest of the concert.

 

Treatment of PTSD has a pretty high success rate.  Hopefully poor little Sarah can recover before next years grand stand headliner who is reported to be “The rapper who can literally crap out of his mouth,” Drake.

West Fargo Giant Weiner Hairdo

New Hair Style Sweeping the FM Area This Summer

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West Fargo, ND – What is coming out the back of your head?  That’s the first question local bar patron asked when he saw something long and pointing at him from the back of a women’s head.

A new hair style is sweeping the FM area and it’s being nicked named the “Giant Wiener.”  After days of exhausting and extensive research, we were able to produce the picture below to explain how it got it’s name.

Giant Wiener Hair Style

This new summer fashion trend is hot and catching on.  Young women and young adults have started wearing their hair in a style that resembles one big giant wiener.

So girls, throw out your old styles and rethink your wardrobe, the giant wiener is hot, in, and ready for summer!

This is a MUST HAVE!!