Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

Bowler Union Plans Multiple Strikes

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Bowler Union planning multiple strikes to gain respect.

Bowler Union planning multiple strikes to gain respect.

Bowling Green, Kentucky – The Professional Bowlers Union says it is planning multiple upcoming strikes throughout the country in an effort to gain more respect from the rest of the sports world.

Spokesperson Parker Fonebone III said “it is high time that professional bowlers started getting some more respect from the curlers, fencers, and ping pong players.”

In recent years, bocce ball and cornhole have even passed bowling on the national Sports Respect rankings.

If you drive by your local bowling alley and see protesting bowlers outside, honk your horn to either:

1. Show your support for the pro-bowlers union strike, or

2. Let them know it’s time to get back to work!

Either way, they will know that you care enough to honk at them.

New Detroit Mountain Recreation Area Offers Fun For Everyone

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Hopefully the new Detroit Mountain Recreation Area will get some snow despite Global Warming.

Detroit Lakes, MN – The New Detroit Mountain Recreation Area is well on track for its big grand re-opening this month.

This brand new four-season fun park will offer a wide range of great activities and challenges for all ages.

Skiers and snowboarders will have their hands full with two Black Diamond runs that would give Franz Klammer a run for his money.

The Rental Shoppe will include everything from snow skis to snowboards to Go-Pro cameras to record your thrilling adventures.

Kids can race down the Bunny Hill along side Elmo and all their other favorite Sesame Street characters.

The Viking Lodge will have multiple large flat-screen TVs showing past and present Minnesota Vikings football games, including their four Super Bowl losses.

Double-decker shuttle buses will be continuously running from Detroit Mountain to the local Walmart store for easy shopping, to the Shooting Star Casino for easy gambling, and to the local hospital for easy repairs.

If you would like to join the sexy all-volunteer Ski Patrol Team, please email Tony at Detroit Mountain and include a YouTube link of yourself successfully negotiating any Black Diamond ski run.

Fargo Man Often Mistaken For 16th U.S. President

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Fargo man often mistaken for Abraham Lincoln.

Fargo man often mistaken for Abraham Lincoln.

Fargo, ND – A local Fargo man often gets told he looks a lot like someone else.

Mr. Gilmore Rawls, a long-time resident of Fargo, bears an uncanny similarity to President Abraham Lincoln, who lived about 150 years ago.

When asked if he ever gets requests for an autograph, Mr. Rawls says “Oh yes, all the time!” And then he proceeds to write out “Gilmore Rawls” using an old ink pen he made from an eagle feather.

“If I had a dollar for every autograph I’ve signed over the years, it probably would have been enough to pay my way through law school, which was always a dream of mine.”

Gilmore Rawls’ family originated from the Kentucky area, also similar to Abe Lincoln.

After moving to Fargo, Gilmore worked at the post office and also as a county surveyor. “I was also pretty good with an axe, and have made many a fence in my days”, he added.

These days, he likes to spend most of his time reading history books by the light of his old stone fireplace.

On whether or not he’s seen the recent movie about President Lincoln, Gilmore said: “I’m not really a movie-going person. If anything, I like to go see a good play at the local community theater.”

West Fargo Imposes Total Watering Ban Due To Global Drying

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Watering no longer allowed in West Fargo

Watering no longer allowed in West Fargo

West Fargo, ND – The City of West Fargo is now implementing a total ban on watering for at least the remainder of this summer.

The fastest growing city between Chicago and Hiroshima has decided to impose a complete watering ban because its earlier even/odd restrictions were not being followed.

The normal guidelines allow for even/odd numbered homes to water on even/odd numbered days between the hours of 6PM and 10AM.

The total watering ban was unanimously voted on by the City Commission.

The cities of Fargo and Moorhead are seriously considering doing the same thing.

Climatological data suggests that we are entering a period of Global Drying which may last for the next 10-30 years.

West Fargo residents who are caught watering their yards will first be given a $500 warning.

Second violations would receive a $1,000 fine along with confiscation of all sprinklers and hoses.

The faces of residents who violate the watering ban will also be shown on the “Water Glutton” board which will be largely displayed at the intersection of Main and Sheyenne streets.

Janet Reno Named New Vikings Special Teams Coach

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Proud to be a Viking!

Proud to be a Viking!

Mankato, MN – Former Attorney General Janet Reno has been named the new Special Teams coach for the Minnesota Vikings.

Just as she was the first woman to serve as the United States Attorney General, she will also be the first woman to serve as a coach in the NFL.

“If I can catch and convict the Unabomber, I can coach a few punters and kickers” she was quoted as saying during a formal press conference.

The talk around the league is that Janet Reno will be a great fit for the struggling Vikings.

The Vikings have had recent trouble with their Special Teams coordinator Mike Priefer, leading to likely litigious activity from former punter Chris Kluwe.

An unknown Vikings spokesperson said: “If anyone can handle litigation, it’s Janet Fracking Reno!”

Dr. Willy Nilly Discusses Living With Phlebitis

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When phlebes bite us, you have phlebitis

When phlebes bite us, you have phlebitis

Fargo, ND – Dr. Willy Nilly MD is an expert in disease-carrying ticks as we have recently seen.

The FMO’s doctor friend would now also like to share some tips and tricks for folks who suffer from phlebitis.

FMO: Dr. Willy Nilly, what is phlebitis and how did it get its name?

DWN: First, my heart goes out to anyone who has phlebitis, which is painful blood clotting in the legs. The name comes from an early belief that a small phlebe would actually “bite us” thus causing the pain in the lower extremities. It was later learned that the lower leg pain comes from an inflammation of the phlebes, which is one of my particular areas of specialty.

FMO: What about trombone-phlebitis?

DWN: Trombone players are especially susceptible to phlebitis because of the amount of air pressure required to fill their long horn tubes.

FMO: What tips and tricks can you share for phlebitis sufferers?

DWN: After a half century of focused study, my advice would be:
1. Stop taking the pill (unless it’s asspirin).
2. Wear special support stockings.
3. Walk instead of drive or fly to your destination.
4. Don’t smoke cigarettes in bed.
5. Do as many jumping jacks as possible 3 times a day.
6. Do a head-stand while watching TV.
7. Attend local Phlebitis Support Groups for the latest information.

If you have phlebitis and would like Dr. Willy Nilly and his staff to visit you at your home, simply dial 1-800-WILL-NILL. Please leave a detailed message describing your problem and any other pertinent information that might help Dr. Willy Nilly help you.

North Dakota Gets 1 Of 8 Newly Added NFL Teams

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The North Dakota Frackers Football Team

The North Dakota Frackers Football Team

Bismarck, ND – North Dakota is excited by the NFL’s announcement that it has landed one of eight new team franchises. The latest NFL expansion is adding one team to each of its eight divisions.

The North Dakota Frackers are being added to the NFC North Division in which you find the Minnesota Vikings and the Green Bay Packers. Vikings QB Christian Ponder stated that: “Now it’s going to be just that much more difficult to win the Super Bowl.”

Each new team costs about one billion dollars to purchase. The North Dakota legislature voted to use $1.1 Billion from its oil money Legacy Fund for this special purpose.

Other teams being added to the National Football League include the: London Broils, Montana Unibombers, Alaskan Mushers, Hawaiian Alohas, Arkansas Hillbillies, Iowa Corn Cobs, and the Mexican Amigos.

A top North Dakota official said: “On the record, this is very exciting news for North Dakota to finally have its very own NFL team. Off the record, we have a lot of work to do to make this work: Cheerleaders try-outs, team logo selection, location of the official stadium, not to mention the entire coaching staff, plus all the players. Right now, we have no football players on our team, but that’s OK, because we do have the North Dakota Frackers! Our goal is to win a Super Bowl before the Vikings do.”

Sir Paul McCartney Coming Back To Fargo For Another Concert

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Be Right Back!

Be Right Back!

Fargo, ND – Apparently Paul McCartney enjoyed playing his music in Fargo so much, that he’s coming back for an encore concert.

“Yah, I really got a kick out of Fargo, so we decided to do it again, yah know?” he said during an exclusive interview. “But this next time around, I am going to play all different songs, and play them right-handed, just to switch things around a bit.”

His “BE RIGHT BACK” concert is “unprecedented”, says Nigel Banks, who works as a self-employed concert expert specializing in British concert tour scheduling history. “He must really like Fargo. Fargo should be quite proud of this.”

Fargodome officials are “simply delighted” that Sir Paul wants to return for another concert. “No firm dates have yet been decided upon, but we’ll figure something out! You can count on that!” tweeted the Fargodome.

Some on-the-street reactions to this big news:
“Wasn’t Paul McCartney just here last year?”
“This is some kind of joke, right?”
“Since I missed him the first time, this is very good news.”
“He is ambidextrous, too?”

Watch for further details about Sir Paul McCartney’s BE RIGHT BACK concert on your local news channels. (There is even some talk that he might be looking into buying a home in the Fargo area.)

WE Fest Cancelled Due To Massive Disease-Carrying Tick Invasion

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Save Your Spleen in 2014

Save Your Spleen in 2014

Detroit Lakes, MN – The drunkenly popular WE Fest celebration of country music at the Soo Pass Ranch has been cancelled for 2014 due to serious health concerns.

The annual outdoor music festival was scheduled for August 7-8-9 but fans will have to wait until 2015 to see their favorite country music stars, such as Travis Tritt and Brad Paisley.

Minnesota health officials have discovered a massive infestation of ticks carrying a deadly disease which causes an acute inflammation of the spleen.

Dr. Willy Nilly of the CDC: “We have never seen such a large population of dangerous ticks like this before. The lovely meadows and woods surrounding the Soo Pass Ranch near Lake Sallie are literally crawling with ticks. They may have been recently transported here by federal agents bringing illegal aliens up to this region from the Texas border. The strain of spleenitis that these ticks are carrying basically causes an infected person to bleed to death within 48 hours.”

WE Fest organizers have changed this year’s slogan from “Living The Dream in 2014” to “Save Your Spleen in 2014”. They say that “all 2014 tickets will be honored in 2015 for the exact same line-up of country music sensations, such as: Jason’s Aldean and Ashley’s Monroe.”

“If folks do want to getogether this year somewhere besides the infested Soo Pass Ranch, we will have a karaoke contest every day in the parking lot of the Detroit Lakes Walmart, which will be hosted by Scotty McCreery of American Idol fame.”

UPDATE: This post is completely fictitious (not real). WE Fest 2014 has not been cancelled.

Click here for another exciting Dr. Willy Nilly post!

KFGO Required To Broadcast Half In Spanish

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radiotowers1PX1

Radio station HOLA

Fargo, ND – The Mighty 790 KFGO radio station will soon be required to broadcast half of its programming in Spanish.

Todas las estaciones de radio en Fargo pronto estarán obligados a proporcionar la mitad de su contenido en el idioma español.

With all the illegal aliens pouring into our country, President Obama has signed an emergency executive order to seize control of all the biggest radio stations.

Presidente Obama está tomando el control de todas las estaciones de radio de Estados Unidos y quiere que todos los extranjeros ilegales a entender lo que está pasando aquí.

All of the on-air personalities at KFGO including the entire news department will be required to become fluent in Spanish by January 1, 2017.

Todos los involucrados en los programas de radio se verá obligado a hablar español perfecto o de lo que ya no pueden estar hablando en la radio.

Thank you for your attention and have a nice day.

Este es un problema muy grave y debe ser corregido pronto.