Plains, GA – Former President Jimmy Carter declared this week that Jesus Christ would drink Heineken and approve of recreational marijuana.
The 39th president, who describes himself as a two-time born-again Christian, says that after his second rebirth, he believes that Jesus would drink Heineken beer and also vote to make recreational marijuana legal in all states, except for Utah.
He went on to say he thought Jesus would think that President Carter was one of the best presidents in the history of our country, ranked right up there with President Obama and Woodrow Wilson.
When asked how he knows what Jesus Christ would think, he simply answered with a big smile: “Besides having the same initials, we were both carpenters.”
President Woodrow Wilson allegedly groped a female visitor at White House.
Touchet, WA – A recently deceased woman claims that she was groped by then President Woodrow Wilson whilst she was on a group tour of the White House.
Ms. Gerda Powis of Touchet, Washington wrote in her detailed memoirs that instead of a group tour, it turns out she was on a “grope tour” after she somehow ended up in the Oval Office alone with President Woodrow Wilson who was only wearing a robe.
“He groped me and proceeded to touch me inappropriately against my will when I was just a young woman,” claims Ms. Powis who lived to the ripe old age of 109.
The Woodrow Wilson Administration was not available for comment however we’re assuming they deny the entire story and brush it off as being just more poppycock fake news.
Ironically, all of the letters in Gerda Powis can be lovingly re-arranged to spell: I Was Groped!
The newest addition to the Trump First Family: Dolly the Llama!
Washington, DC – Breaking from long-standing tradition once again, instead of introducing a new First Dog to the country as most presidents have done in the past, President Donald Trump and his First Family will be unveiling their new pet llama named Dolly.
As it was a gift from the Bolivian Llama Party, the First Llama hails from Bolivia where llamas are often adopted to become close members of Bolivian families who almost treat them as equals.
Dolly will freely roam the grounds of the White House for visitors to pet and perhaps even ride.
However, be forewarned that if she is overloaded with too much weight, Dolly the Llama may spit, hiss, or even kick, much like many Democrats have been doing ever since the inauguration of Donald Trump as the 45th president.
Fighting climate change from BEYOND THE POLITICAL GRAVE
Pictured: a gas pump that has been damaged beyond repair. An act seemingly definitely maybe perpetrated by the Obama Night Administration, a not-for-profit band of specific ninjai.
Chicago, IL – It is potentially alleged that in the smoldering wake of his White House tenure, former President Obama has been using covert operations to keep the cherished climate change initiative alive.
Fake News has learned that enemy gas pumps across our great heartland are maybe definitely being attacked in the night, unprobably likely by members of a secret ninja army fronted by Barack Obama.
Reports of convenience store vandalism are pretty much kinda almost sort of widespread. Charging stations are untouched, whereas gas stations are being ruthlessly damaged, it has been certainly possibly purported. We mostly do not not believe that Obama’s ever-expanding legion of stealth-mode assassins playfully named the Obama Night Administration is behind these attacks.
These reports of vandalism are made available to the people via Fake News outlets. Fake News is here to tell you what’s really possibly maybe going on.
Fake News is everywhere. It’s on mainstream media, the DarkWeb, the DeepWeb, the InterWeb, the OuterWeb, et al. Try to avoid it and you will fail.
Trump wears the suit which ranks above all others and which can win a trick when someone wearing a different suit has been led.
Fair Play, TX – Ever since Donald Trump was elected president, what used to be friendly relaxing games of pinochle have become more heated political debate sessions.
Pinochle players such as Arnie Macnaughton of Fair Play, Texas admit that he and his pinochle cohorts now spend more time arguing about Trump than they do actually laying down their meld and trying to take tricks.
♠ Arnie goes on to say that anytime someone mentions ‘Spades’, the conversation turns to shovel-ready jobs to build the southern border wall.
♥ If someone says ‘Hearts’, we start talking about bleeding heart liberals and whether or not Obamacare should be repealed and replaced.
♦ When ‘Diamonds’ are brought up, we wrangle about how the rich keep getting richer while the poor are left to stand in line outside of soup kitchens.
♣ And good luck if ‘Clubs’ are brought up because then we start debating about all the protests and how that leads to civil unrest and anarchy.
Arnie Macnaughton along with many other pinochle players might need to switch to playing Bridge, or to be more specific: Bridge Over Troubled Waters.
The awkward moment when the First Lady learned she might play Second Fiddle.
Washington, DC – It has somehow been leaked that President Trump may soon use an executive order to add another First Lady to the White House after his anticipated upcoming conversion from Presbyterian to Mormonism.
Now we know what all the meetings with Mitt Romney were about. Mormons allow polygamy which would fly in the face of conventional past presidential protocol but President Trump has already been full of surprises.
Many suspect that this may be why First Lady Melania Trump has indicated that she will continue living in Trump Tower so that Donald’s additional wife (or wives) can call the White House home and thus reduce the chances of any cat fights (which would actually make for great ratings on the new White House reality show).
Sunday morning pundits are already wondering if a president’s second wife would be called Second Lady or perhaps First Lady 2.0, and so on, and so forth.
Pink Floyd hired by President Trump to be in charge of The Wall.
Wall, Texas – Wasting no time after his landslide victory, President Trump announced that he is putting Pink Floyd in charge of building The Wall.
President Trump: “Pink Floyd is going to be in charge of The Wall along our Southern border. It’s going to be great. It will be longer and greater than the Great Wall in China. And Mexico will pay for it.”
In other news, President Trump has asked retiring NFL football player HaHa Clinton-Dix to oversee the special prosecutor who will be in charge of putting Hillary in prism for her off-color remarks.
As the 70-year-old President Trump becomes the 45th president of the United States after running for his first elected office, we can expect to see a long list of celebrities moving to Canada, including: Barbara Streisand, Bryan Cranston,Whoopi Goldberg, Jon Stewart, and Rosie O’Donnell.