Category Archives: Entertainment

dont do it

Don’t You Dare Put That Dick Pic Of Yours On The Internet

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dont do itHave you ever been searching the internet and randomly ran into something you were absolutely not looking for?  For example, you were surfing Tumblr or any other blog site.  It’s 11 a.m on a Saturday morning.  You’re feeling great. You thank god for letting you experience another day in the fabulous realm called human life.  You fire up your old trusty computer and type in google.com.  Feeling nostalgic, you search for old pictures of past decades which leads to you Tumblr or any other personal blog site.  You’re scrolling down with pure excitement as you’re looking at all the pictures of things you remember of your past childhood.  Just as you were enjoying yourself you scroll down just a little bit more and BAM……dick pics.  Dick pics out of nowhere.

If you are reading this and are guilty of putting dick pics on the internet, let me explain some things to you.

First of all, women don’t want to see your little wiener on the internet.  Wieners are not attractive.  From a female’s AND male’s perspective.  What makes you think a stranger on the internet wants to see your penis?  Nobody.  Nobody wants to see your willy poking out of the bush.

So much garbage is already on the internet we don’t need to be worrying about running into your dick pics as well.  If you ARE going to do it, it’s probably a good idea to not include your face.  What if your mom, sister, or aunt was searching the internet and accidentally landed on your dick pics?  Me, being the nice guy that I am, I wouldn’t wish that odd conversation you would be having with your mom on anyone.  No woman is sitting there thinking, “Yes!  I finally found Mr. Right.  I could NOT for the LIFE OF ME find a good guy who has dick pics on the internet.”

So, is that too much to ask?  Not having to worry about running into dick picks?  Put popeye back in your pants and go do something constructive outside, ok?  Thanks.

miley cyrus

Objects Miley Cyrus Has Not Violated

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Miley Cyrus has violated a lot of objects over the past few months.  However, there are a lot of objects Miley Cyrus has not gotten to yet.

 

these poodles

poodles

 

 

these witches brooms

witches brooms

 

 this john deere tractor

john deer tractor

 

 

this salt shaker

salt shaker

 

 

all of the marvel heroes

marvel heros

 

 

this power drill

power drill

 

 

miss piggy and kermit the frog

miss piggy and kermit the frog

 

this battleship

battleship

 

 

this guy

wheres waldo

 

 

this coffee maker

coffee maker

 

 

your grandma

your grandma

 

and thank god she hasn’t got to this signed larry bird jersey yet

larry bird

Hashtag Pro

The Pro Hashtagger

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What better way to spend your time than hashtagging the shit out of something.  Whenever I see a picture with hashtags the first thing I think of is, “How can I hashtag the ever living shit out of this thang.”

The commentator below decided the picture alone as well as the comments section didn’t have enough hashtags.  Through hell and high water were they going to leave this picture without the proper hashtags.  If a giant asteroid was going to hit the earth in five min, these pro hashtaggers would rather die making hashtags than seek shelter underground.  Hence their post below.

hashtag pro

Now was that really necessary?  They hashtagged the shit out of this photo via describing the entire damn picture in visual and mental hashtags.  If that is the case, let me add my own visual, mental, and physical hashtags that I think are missing in order to describe this picture in detail.

#poopisinmyrectumbutyoucantseeit #bangedtwoguysatsametimeonce #pastoutonshitter #bleedsfromvaginamonthly

#myselfieisbetterthanyourselfie #noduckfaceforyou #thisismymirror #thisismycamera #therearemanylikeitbutthisoneismine

#Mymirrorismybestfriend #itismylife #ImustmasteritasImustmastermylife #ifartintheshower #tanninglotionqueen

 

I think this picture is properly hashtagged now.  No more guessing as to what is actually going on in the photo as it is properly described in full detail.   Am I right or am I right?

Jodie Foster Admits To Being Part Alien

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Foster admits to being part alien

Jodie Foster is part alien

Hollywood, CA – Blond bombshell and award winning actress Jodie Foster has dropped a huge bomb on the Hollywood community.

Ms. Foster recently tweeted that she is now openly admitting that she is “part alien”.

Ever since her starring role in the movie “Contact”, some close friends have suspected something unusual about their “friend”.

The fact that she never ate in public, and all those intermittent strange noises emanating from her forehead were among early clues, they say.

Now that Ms. Foster has come out of the closet, she might actually help others do the same.

She went on to tweet: “Now that I am sharing my secret, perhaps others who are part or even full alien will feel comfortable also coming out and letting the world know who they really are.”

Jay Leno’s reaction to this revelation was: “So it turns out there’s life on other planets. Boy, this is really going to change the Miss Universe contest!”

A spokesalien for Jodi Foster said: “Ms. Foster has always believed that the world is what we make of it. Perhaps we’ll see the day when aliens get treated like normal citizens. Perhaps alien races will be able to enjoy all the benefits and entitlements of being an American, such as free healthcare, and the right to vote without showing any photo identification.”

What to do now that Breaking Bad has ended

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Bad: Broken

Bad: Broken

One of the finest television dramas of all time has officially come to a close. It was as fantastic as fantastic shows get. Our main character evolved from a jovial father-figure to a ruthless drug kingpin leaving a trail of utter destruction in his wake and boy, are we hungover.

T H E  F E A R has set in. The feeling of helpless withdrawal. That same feeling an addict gets when his or her stash runs out and there’s no telling when the next fix will come.

The horror! What to do now?? You are flailing. Your Sunday nights will never be the same. Remember the throes of sickness we went through after THE WIRE ended? You don’t? You didn’t see THE WIRE??

Anyway, the issue at hand: You’re freaking out! We’ve Broken Bad and it’s all over but the crying! Hug for you. Everything will be fine. As always, The Observer is here to help.

How to appropriately deal with the loss of a show:

  • Talk about the show with someone who is caught up. It’s unhealthy to process every single nuance of the program yourself. If you try to do that, you will short-circuit your brain. You have to bounce your thoughts off one or more individuals who have opinions on its outcome. Can’t stress this enough. Message boards, forums, tweets and facebook are at your service if you don’t personally know someone who has Broken Bad (but chances are that you do). In so doing, you will form a bond with your fellow Broken Bads and in turn, help each other cope.
  • Watch it again. The show is over. The curtain has fallen….or has it? Walt & Jesse don’t have to be just a memory. They exist in the form of digital download on iTunes and instant streaming via Netflix. Heck, you can even stream the show online for free if you look hard enough (*cough* project free tv *cough cough*). After all, ease of access is what helped make the show so immensely popular. Reboot the show and consume the pilot episode like it’s your first of many heroin blasts.
  • Create a shrine. Cop a boatload of merch. Vamanos Pest work shirts, Walt & Jesse posters, Los Pollos Hermanos lunch bucket, blue meth candy, etc. Compile all of it into a giant Breaking Bad shrine and worship this shrine every Sunday night for eternity.

A simple three-point plan to help you get over your loss. Start this process now because if you don’t, next Sunday you’ll find yourself a borderline-suicidal mess. RIP Breaking Bad.

Local Artist Unveils New Masterpiece

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Masterpiece to retrieve megabucks at auction

Masterpiece by Amsterdam Douglass to reap megabucks when sold at auction.

Fargo, ND – Super Artist and Renaissance Man Amsterdam Douglass unveiled his latest masterpiece to a small group of lucky friends the other night. Amsterdam Douglass calls the work: Slice Of Life. He also indicated that some of the cash gained from its sale might be given to the Slice Of Life Foundation, which essentially is a slush fund for hungry and motivated artists to eat, sleep, and paint, on a ranch for hungry artists. Volunteers will be needed at the ranch to serve coffee and cookies. If you have a special cookie recipe, please send it on a postcard to Ms. Honey McLove, here at the home office. Please include a note about yourself and your ancestry. Jean-Pierre Sloan believes that Amsterdam Douglass is perhaps the “premiere” talent today who crosses all borders of interest, gender, and style. Bi-weekly meetings are to be held in your neighborhood for family members to share a pot-luck dish of your own creation. A “Going Green” Hoedown will bring the community together just like the old days, starting with a Meet & Greet and the filling out of name tags. Amsterdam Douglass is also signing people up for a new neighborhood newsletter which will share ideas for ways to improve our existing social infrastructure. If you would like to be interviewed for the newsletter, again, contact Ms. Honey McLove and please don’t forget to indicate which department you want. Finally, we will end with a quotation from Amsterdam Douglass himself. “Between you and me and all the rest of the freaks, tomorrow cannot be as bad as today might have been.” Don’t forget to send in your postcard(s). Also remember that some of the proceeds of the art auction could possibly go to a “good cause”.

miley-cyrus-we-cant-stop

Terrible Song Lyrics of The Week – We Can’t Stop (Miley Cyrus)

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miley-cyrus-we-cant-stopThis week’s Terrible Song Lyrics of The Week go to Miley Cyrus and her song We Can’t Stop.  “We Can’t Stop” is off her fourth studio album Bangerz (2013). It was released on June 3, 2013 by RCA Record.

Alright, i’ll start off with the first chorus.

“It’s our party we can do what we want
It’s our party we can say what we want
It’s our party we can love who we want
We can kiss who we want
We can see who we want (2x)”

Something must have happened to a party hosted by Miley Cyrus before for her to be so defensive about her party.  She keeps stating they can ‘do what they want.’

“Red cups and sweaty bodies everywhere
Hands in the air like we don’t care
Cause we came to have so much fun now
Bet somebody here might get some now”

If there are sweaty bodies everywhere, I’m betting NOBODY is going to get some.  Gross.

“If you’re not ready to go home
Can I get a hell no
Cause we gonna go all night
Till we see the sunlight alright”

I’m suspecting she might have some meth or coke at the party as they are going to stay up until sunlight.

“So la da di da di, we like to party
Dancing with Miley
Doing whatever we want
This is our house
This is our rules
And we can’t stop
And we won’t stop
Can’t you see it’s we who own the night
Can’t you see it we who bout’ that life
And we can’t stop
And we won’t stop
We run things, Things don’t run we
We don’t take nothing from nobody”

This is where the party dives into bad things happening.  They ‘can’t stop.’  This is serious issue.  Again, probably meth or coke is involved here.

More chorus

“It’s our party we can do what we want
It’s our party we can say what we want
It’s our party we can love who we want
We can kiss who we want
We can see who we want”

“To my home girls here with the big butt
Shaking it like we at a strip club
Remember only God can judge ya
Forget the haters cause somebody loves ya
And everyone in line in the bathroom
Trying to get a line in the bathroom
We all so turned up here
Getting turned up, yeah, yeah”

Aha! My suspicions are correct.  Everyone is in line in the bathroom trying to actually GET a line.  Busted.

More chorus.  This song has two choruses if you haven’t noticed yet because ya know, one isn’t enough.

“So la da di da di, we like to party
Dancing with Miley
Doing whatever we want
This is our house
This is our rules
And we can’t stop
And we won’t stop
Can’t you see it’s we who own the night
Can’t you see it we who bout’ that life
And we can’t stop
And we won’t stop
We run things
Things don’t run we
We don’t take nothing from nobody”

More chorus ….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

“It’s our party we can do what we want
It’s our party we can say what we want
It’s our party we can love who we want
We can kiss who we want
We can see who we want”

It’s our party we can do what we want to
It’s our house we can love who we want to
It’s our song we can sing if we want to
It’s my mouth I can say what I want to
Yea, Yea, Yeah”

Finally we will end it with what?  MORE CHORUS OF COURSE!

“And we can’t stop
And we won’t stop
Can’t you see it’s we who own the night
Can’t you see it we who bout’ that life
And we can’t stop
And we won’t stop
We run things
Things don’t run we
We don’t take nothing from nobody
Yea, Yea, Yea”

Here is the video to this terrible song.  You know a song will be a pop hit when it has two or more choruses.  Two or more choruses automatically equals utter shit.

ipad

Evolution of The Tablet PC

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Since the iPad made its debut in 2010, a list of other companies have been pumping out tablets as well.  However, way back in 2002, Windows launched the stylus-based Windows XP Tablet PC but it failed to catch the consumers attention though at the time.

I always say to people, “Why don’t you just get a laptop?  It has a keyboard and more functions.”  I’m always answered with a blank stare and a, “but it’s a tablet” response.

In 2010 the iPad was released.  This allowed you to replace your toilet magazines with digital versions.  Truly remarkable.

ipad

 

 

Samsung was soon to follow with the Samsung Galaxy Tab and the Motorola Xoom in 2011.  Today we have a whole host of manufacturers pumping out tablets.

AND NOW……they are releasing all kinds of accessories such as tablet keyboards.  That’s right.  Keyboards.  You just transformed your tablet into a damn computer!

tablet_keyboard

So instead of buying a laptop in the first place, people bought a tablet and are now spending money to convert it into basically back into a laptop.  Makes total sense. Am I right?

What’s that?  You want some speakers now for your tablet?  Here you go.

tablet_speakers

 

Now you have a tablet with a keyboard and speakers.  What do they call those?  LAPTOPS.  How about this.  Why don’t you just buy a damn laptop already?

The tablet has now evolved back into a laptop.

Time To Vote For the Worst In The FM Area

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The worst of Fargo-Moorhead

The worst of Fargo-Moorhead

Fargo, ND – It is time once again to vote for the worst places in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

Our annual compilation of all the places you hate the most is about to begin.

Of course, we need your help in the form of votes.

There are many different categories to be decided, but remember that this is for the places that you think are the worst in each category.

 

 

 

 

Here are the categories for this year’s worst:

[form form-1]

 

Winners will be announced sometime in the distant future.