Tag Archives: advice

Dr. Harshnel Quadflop Called In To Investigate Fargo’s Recent Outbreak Of Ekbom’s Syndrome

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The esteemed Dr. Harshnel Quadflop

Fargone, ND – As if Fargo didn’t already have enough problems to deal with (such as beavers, flooding, and pinochle), now city leaders can add an unexpected and unwanted outbreak of Ekbom’s Syndrome to its growing list of emerging emergencies.

Luckily, the country’s leading Ekbom expert was immediately available to head up here to God’s Country at the drop of a hat into the packing of his suitcase.

“What we are initially seeing here is a highly typical case of the Ekbom’s Syndrome playing itself out in this community you refer to as Fargo,” explains Dr. Harshnel Quadflop, as he carefully inscribes small sentences into his old, thick, red notebook.

Advice from Dr. Quadflop includes: 1. Don’t panic. 2. Go about your lives as normally as possible. 3. Report any symptoms of Ekbom’s Syndrome to your local authorities. 4. Stay well-stocked up on adult beverages. 5. Nap as needed, unless called upon to shovel or sandbag. 6. Monitor and disseminate all pertinent news on a need-to-know basis.

FMO’s ABCs For Living Happily Ever After

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Being happily married all comes down to following these 26 simple nuggets of wisdom.

West Fargo, ND – With wedding season just around the coroner, your FM Observer is offering free marriage counseling advice to those who seek to soon enter the gates of matrimonial blissful harmony.

FMO’s ABCs For A Happy Marriage!

Always admit you’re wrong even when you’re right. Be accountable especially when paying taxes to the IRS. Communicate constantly either with words or mental telepathy. Don’t try to change your spouse unless it is necessary. End all debates with a hug, a glass of wine, and a massage. Focus on making your self better than it was yesterday. Go for a fun run together in the morning if it’s not blizzarding. Have regular meetings with a Life Coach to discuss your goals. Invest in your marriage by giving yourselves nice big raises. Jot down any ideas that could translate into mega-wealth. Keep a list of everything you do together, with dates and comments. Learn how to agree to disagree, or vice versa. Master the art of small talk before moving on to any big talk. Never begin a sentence with the word ‘you’, or with profanity. Organize everything you own alphabetically into stackable boxes. Pray for longevity prior to each and every happy meal. Questions don’t always have answers that make sense. Recognize accomplishments with a handshake and milkshake. Spend money in hundreds while earning it in thousands. Touch more, argue less, is a way to decrease stress. Understand what is being said and unsaid by your spousemate. Visualize your marriage as a flower that needs daily watering. Write and hide anonymous little thank you notes to each other. X-Ray every box delivered to your home prior to opening. Your spousemate is your boss unless you get fired. Zoom out if zooming in is causing too many problems.

Fargo Singing Group To Perform On Jimmy Fallon’s Tonight Show

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Six Jumpy Biscuits has been asked to sing on The Tonight Show!

Fargo, ND – A very popular singing group from Fargo called Six Jumpy Biscuits will soon be performing on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.

Mr. Fallon discovered the group by accident when he literally ran them over with his vehicle while staying in Fargo recently in order to visit Moorhead’s famous super haunted house that Billy Bob bought.

FM Observer: How would you describe your music?

Six Jumpy Biscuits: We wouldn’t want to try, but others whom we trust as far as we can throw have said our music sounds like we’re somewhat barber shop quartetish, cleverly combined with solemn monk chanting and dreamy trip-hop.

FM Observer: Are you nervous to perform on Jimmy Fallon’s Tonight Show?

Six Jumpy Biscuits: No, not nervous, but maybe a bit jumpy. We’ve heard that Jimmy Fallon is perhaps the one who is rather nervous for our appearance on his show.

FM Observer: Do you have any advice for other young biscuits?

Six Jumpy Biscuits: Yes!

Advice: What To Do If Your Dog Thinks He’s Darth Sidius

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sidius

Is your dog the ruler of the Galactic Empire?

Perhaps you’ve noticed your dog doing strange things lately? I know I have. Recently, my dog has been wearing a blanket like a cloak, glaring at me with sinister, glowing eyes and growling eerie renditions of Star Wars movie quotes. When he’s bored he loves to huddle under his cloak and mutter “send a fleet to the far side of Endor” in between bites of his Nylabone.

My dog thinks he’s Darth Sidius.

This behavior is all-too common in young animals as they adjust to the changing seasons. It happens most frequently in winter months, during which they don’t spend enough quality time outdoors. They become restless. Fearsome. Drunk with the mystic powers of the Dark Side.

But don’t panic! Your dog will cease his concerns over Luke Skywalker becoming a Jedi all in due time. The trick is to play along. Answer his growls with a retort similar to one that Darth Vader would have given during Return Of The Jedi. He’ll love it! Eventually, he’ll return to his playful, non-Emperor Palpatine self—just as soon as you convince the younger Skywalker to join the Dark Side as a Jedi Master.

Dr. Willy Nilly Discusses Living With Phlebitis

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When phlebes bite us, you have phlebitis

When phlebes bite us, you have phlebitis

Fargo, ND – Dr. Willy Nilly MD is an expert in disease-carrying ticks as we have recently seen.

The FMO’s doctor friend would now also like to share some tips and tricks for folks who suffer from phlebitis.

FMO: Dr. Willy Nilly, what is phlebitis and how did it get its name?

DWN: First, my heart goes out to anyone who has phlebitis, which is painful blood clotting in the legs. The name comes from an early belief that a small phlebe would actually “bite us” thus causing the pain in the lower extremities. It was later learned that the lower leg pain comes from an inflammation of the phlebes, which is one of my particular areas of specialty.

FMO: What about trombone-phlebitis?

DWN: Trombone players are especially susceptible to phlebitis because of the amount of air pressure required to fill their long horn tubes.

FMO: What tips and tricks can you share for phlebitis sufferers?

DWN: After a half century of focused study, my advice would be:
1. Stop taking the pill (unless it’s asspirin).
2. Wear special support stockings.
3. Walk instead of drive or fly to your destination.
4. Don’t smoke cigarettes in bed.
5. Do as many jumping jacks as possible 3 times a day.
6. Do a head-stand while watching TV.
7. Attend local Phlebitis Support Groups for the latest information.

If you have phlebitis and would like Dr. Willy Nilly and his staff to visit you at your home, simply dial 1-800-WILL-NILL. Please leave a detailed message describing your problem and any other pertinent information that might help Dr. Willy Nilly help you.

Dr. Finance On Making Big Money With Garage Sales

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Think of your garage as a mini Wal-Mart store.

Fargo, ND – As promised, Dr. Finance is back once again to help answer any financial questions that you may have. Since almost everything is somehow related to money, Dr. Finance can help with most any question that is scratching your head.

Today’s question comes from Trudi Milkweed from Money, Mississippi. Trudi asks, “Dear Dr. Finance, can my family and I ever make a million dollars just by having a bunch of garage sales?”

Dr. Finance: Well, Mrs. Milkweed from Moneytown, the short answer is “Yes”. You and your family, if properly motivated, can certainly expect to earn a million dollars by having garage sales. The reason why I am so confident about this is because Dr. Finance has personally done it!

If your family has a thousand garage sales, each earning $1,000, that would be your million dollars right there. Five hundred garage sales each earning $2,000 would also get you to your goal. If you set your goal, and have it in writing up on your wall, and look at it every day, it will happen. Here’s how:

In order to have that many garage sales, you will need a continuous flow of stuff to sell. Use your God-given brainstormer to come up with as many ways of cheaply finding items to sell as you can.

For instance, you’all can find under-priced items at other garage sales, search all the charitable stores for fixer-uppers, ask companies for donation items, have your family members make craft items, make baked goods, breed kittens and puppies from stray animals you find, sell fresh garden items from your garden or someone else’s garden, and so on and so forth. The possibilities are endless. Have the kids constantly working to keep those sale shelves stocked. Have your husband quit his job to help out on a full-time basis.

Trudi, you need to start thinking of your garage as a Mini-Walmart. Have good signage to route people to your driveway. Make sure you have colorful balloons out. Set your prices low enough to sell but high enough to make some profit. I hope that helps. Good luck to you, and please let us know when you have reached your goal!

Previous helpful articles by Dr. Finance include: Underwater Mortgage Problems and Making Money By Reading The FM Observer.

Gym Guy Provides Unsolicited Advice On Topic Unrelated to Weightlifting

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gym-guyFargo, ND—A patron at the local YMCA is a confused mess after being approached by a gym regular. Mike Worley was just sitting there rocking some lat pulldowns when one of the meatheads sauntered towards him.

“Oh boy, here he comes to tell me my form is all screwed up”, Mike recalled. “I had two reps left and this guy started talking to me.”

Mike dropped his lat pulldown bar and let out an exasperated sigh as soon as gym guy walked up. “I was about to start telling him ‘yeah, I know, i’ll work on it’ but that didn’t exactly fit in with what gym guy was telling me.” As it turns out, Mike was getting unsolicited advice about life:

“Take your grandma for a walk. Play some cards with her. Have coffee. Spend some time with her for christ’s sake, brah.”

Gym guy was handing out useful, pertinent advice. Advice that left Mike completely baffled. “He must’ve lost someone near and dear to him, because he approached me mid-set and started telling me to call my Grandma.”

Dr. Finance Answer$ Your Money Question$

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Dr. Finance knows money!

(Ask your financial questions in the comment section below for Dr. Finance to answer!)

Mrs. Blanch Gladstone asks: Our home is worth less than what we owe on it. What can we do?

Dr. Finance responds:

Dear Blanch, this is a very timely question that affects many Americans today, as well as numerous illegal aliens. You have what we call an upside-down home loan mortgage resulting in negative equity.

When you owe more than your home is worth, you could either decrease the amount you owe on it, or do things to increase the value of your property. Since it’s difficult to decrease the amount you owe, and because refinancing is probably not an option, let’s look at some things to increase the property’s value:

  1. Add a bathroom or two and possibly some granite countertops
  2. Push to have a new school built in your neighborhood by attending local school board meetings
  3. Paint your home a wild color and creatively market the house as being “haunted”
  4. Since you’re trying to stay “afloat” with your “underwater” mortgage, you might want to add a swimming pool!

Otherwise, you might want to:

  1. Sell your place at its appraised value and “owe the lender” the difference
  2. Just walk away and change your name
  3. Allow a foreclosure and hope for the best
  4. Declare bankruptcy and hope for less than the worst
  5. Try to sell at the highest possible price point by having an on-line auction via eBay
  6. Start a church (like I did) and gain some nice non-profit tax benefits, plus the weekly cash-flow from the offering plates
  7. Sell raffle tickets for some lucky person to win your house, (and whether or not you actually pick a “winner” is totally up to you)
  8. Increase your monthly cash-flow by either turning your garage into a multi-person bed & breakfast, or get a part-time job as a fast-food sales representative.

Now Blanch, if all else fails, try writing a long letter to our friends at the Federal Government and hope like hell that they give you some basic assistance through the Home Affordable Refinance Program (HARP). However, the chances of this happening are slim to none if you voted Republican in any of the recent elections.

If I may close with a famous quotation from the venerable Franz Kafka: “So long as you have food in your mouth, you have solved all questions for the time being.”

(Feel free to ask any financial questions that you may have in the comment section below for Dr. Finance to answer.)