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“March Madness” Defense Fails Miserably In Court

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Fargo, ND – The Observer is surprised to learn that yet another hapless defendant and his bumbling pro bono lawyer went with the “March Madness” defense, only to get laughed at by a veteran judge who has definitely seen this type of idiocy before. The defendant, on trial for vehicular manslaughter, had his lawyer go with this as a last-ditch effort in an attempt to sway the jury’s decision in his favor:

“But, your Honor, you know what it’s like. The frenzy of the tournament and all…I guess my client let all this March Madness get the best of him, heh heh.”

The presiding judge was not the slightest bit amused:

“You are a piece of work, you know that? I’ve sat in this chair for tournament after tournament now for many years. I’ve won some brackets, i’ve lost some brackets but if you think for one second i’m going to listen to that ridiculous closing argument you’re dead wrong. A smart defense attorney would have advised me what team to bet on prior to the tournament, postponed this hearing until after said team won the tournament and THEN come to me with the March Madness defense. You two AMATEURS obviously don’t have your heads screwed on straight.”

The defendant was then held in contempt of court which only added to the humiliation. Sentencing is scheduled for the 2nd week in April, which cannot bode well for the defendant if the judge’s team doesn’t win it all.

Marilyn Hagerty Olive Garden

Marilyn Hagerty Mistakes Olive Garden For A Gentlemen’s Club.

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Fargo, ND – Marilyn Hagerty has been living the life as of recently.  After her review of a local Grand Forks Olive Garden went viral, Marilyn has been traveling around the big city of New York.  From doing interviews and shooting with the crew of Anderson Cooper 360, Marilyn has been busy.  She was in for a little surprise earlier today as she stopped at the local Olive Garden to get a bite to eat.  I mean why not.  Olive Garden is what got her there.

Not paying attention, just being old, or needing new glasses, Marilyn didn’t enter the Olive Garden. Instead, she entered Oliver’s Garden–A local gentleman’s club.  She realized something was off when she turned around to put her coat down and was greeted with a nipple to the face.  When asked what made her realize she was in the wrong place she said, “Well the nipple to the face and the smell of dirty underwear and aids.  Definitely the smell of aids made me realize I may not be in my beloved Olive Garden.”

Marilyn will continue her tour of New York this week and we can only hope she stays out of trouble.  We will follow her journey and let you know if she has any more mishaps.

Fargo School Board Anti-Bullying Policy

Fargo School Board To Implement New Anti-Bullying Policy

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Fargo, ND – Since 2002 the Fargo School Board has had an Anti-Bullying policy in place.  This policy consisted of rewarding bullies and punishing the victims.  It promoted such nonsense as “Walking or running away,” “Turning the other cheek,” and “Just lay there and let them beat you up.”  The school board has now changed it’s stance and will implement a new anti-bullying policy.

This new policy will implement a number of different things.  One is requiring students to attend classes such as “MAN THE FUCK UP” and “KICK FUCKING ASS.”  Another is allowing children as young as six to carry weapons such as grenades, machine guns, and anti-tank weapons.  Lastly, the school board will implement mixed martial arts cages in every school gym around the city.

The school board will likely move forward with this new policy in the next couple weeks.

Garrison Dam Tailrace

Morbidly Obese Lake Trout Breaks State Record

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Bismarck, ND – A North Dakota state record was broken recently as a 16lb-6oz, 33-inch lake trout was hauled out of the Garrison Dam Tailrace. This disgustingly huge fish animal breaks the record held by the previous lake trout by over 2 lbs. Horrendous. The fish had clearly let itself go. But is this lake beast at all embarrassed by being outed as the fattest, ugliest trout/whale of all time? Not even close. In between bites of earthworm, the sickly animal had this to say about its victory:

“I’ve been stuffing my bulbous gills with anything I could fit in there since I was a guppy. Look at me now! Who said gluttony never pays off in America! Yeah!!”

It has been reported that it took two men to pull this monster into the boat. A chainsaw and a total of 3 garbage bags were used to gut and clean the bastard.

Dilworth Fire Chief

Dilworth Fire Chief says, “I’m pretty sure it’s totaled.”

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Let me show you somethin!

Dilworth, MN – A home being constructed in northeast Dilworth caught on fire this morning.  Workers on site reported the fire and thankfully nobody was hurt.  “I’m pretty sure it’s totaled,” Dilworth fire chief said.

When asked to please elaborate more he said, “Well..fire hot.  Fire burn things.  You see that wall?  It’s burnt to shit.  You see that other wall?  It’s also burned to shit.  I’m no NASA engineer but my best guess would be that that house right there is probably burnt to shit.”  The blaze was initially called in as an electrical fire but it is still under investigation.

 

A man wearing a hat similar to the one below was seen around the neighborhood at the time of the fire.

Hector International Airport Remodeling

Remodeling Hector International Airport

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“I haven’t seen a plane in 4 years.”

Fargo, ND – Fargo North Dakota’s one and only Hector International Airport is undergoing a significant remodeling project.  The former Barnstormer Restaurant will now become “Skydine.”  As the population of Fargo continues to soar and more people traveling through Fargo, the restaurants seating for one will have to undergo a major upgrade.

The remodeling project will increase the restaurant dining experience from seating for one to seating for two.  This major upgrade will be able to accommodate the high number of international and domestic travelers that visit Fargo to experience its tropical weather, sandy ditches, and exotic sightseeing along gravel farm roads.

North Dakota Temperatures Spreading Fear

Record Temps Spreading Fear Throughout Area

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As North Dakota temperatures reach record highs, many fear for their lives

Fargo, ND – The month of March has proven already to be one of the scariest winter months on record for our region. With temperatures in the state reaching as high as 70 degrees, most North Dakotans have become stricken with panic. With the December 12th doomsday prophecy and Snooki’s pregnancy looming, we can now safely add global warming to the mounting list of our fears. Many locals have been, without question, fearing for their lives what with global warming as prevalent as it ever has been. Neighborhood master of panic Stan Haynes had this to say:

“I don’t know. It’s not supposed to be this warm and it’s been warm all dang winter. If this keeps up i’ll have to pack up my things and move to Iceland!!”

Mr. Haynes went on to flail his arms wildly in the air while screaming. What does this mean for the future of America? Can the sun and it’s power be stopped? We’re not so sure anymore.

“Piece of Crap” Recreational Vehicle Thrives in Western North Dakota Oil Boom

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rvA janky Western North Dakota RV revels in the demand for affordable housing

Williston, ND – The milking of Western North Dakota’s oil reserves continues to flourish, bringing financial prosperity to the area. However, with the recent influx of employment and manpower suddenly increasing the demand for living space, availability of homes and apartments is becoming scarce. With this in mind, a cruddy-looking RV has reaped the benefits of necessity. This disaster on wheels has a newfound value in these desperate times. I asked the RV its thoughts about the sudden upturn:

“In any other case I would be good for nothing but a roaming meth lab or maybe a late night pay-for-sex encounter. Now, with all this demand for lodging, my net worth has damn near tripled. I can house an entire family and charge them $2,500 a month for rent! My toilet doesn’t even work lol!”

The RV went on to say that “Scummy old rust-buckets like us have become a valuable commodity in the area” and that it is scared that if and when the oil boom disappears it will go back to being a “gutted-out methy cesspool” like it was before.

Only in America can a piss bin like this one go from total shit hole to apartment living room.

Idiot Arrested After Attempted Drug Deal With Obvious Off-Duty Cop

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Dumb ass immediately arrested after walk up drug sale attempt

Fargo, ND – An Otsego, MN man was arrested last night after propositioning a cocaine deal to what was quite obviously an off-duty cop. The lieutenant wore street clothes that comprised a textbook undercover cop look: huge moustache, leather jacket, slightly balding with an ice cold stare. The perpetrator allegedly approached this cop-looking fella to ask him if he wanted to purchase some “blow” from him. What kind of idiot do you have to be to try to sell cocaine to THIS guy? As soon as the Observer gets their prison interview with this dope-slinging dope from Otsego, we’ll tell you.

Texting Has Replaced the Voice With Area Youth

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Fargo, ND – Earmuffs are ugly and can be expensive. Texting is quicker and cheaper. The youth of this area and probably country have determined that texting has now replaced all form of voice communication.

One area youth said “Texting is the way to go. I can’t stand listening to crap. My ears hurt from all that jibber jabber. I went through two pairs of earmuffs to drown out the crap people want to tell me. I lost the first pair, and the second pair I borrowed to my friend, but he lost those too. That’s fine because I don’t need to use my voice anyways. Hey, I’m just a kid and I can’t afford buying any more earmuffs. I can text all day on the cell phone my parents pay for. Besides, I know I won’t need to talk in the working world. After college I plan to be CEO within five years in my corner office with a panoramic view while I manage people through email. My mom said that her boss who sits right next to her “can’t even get up from his fat ass” and ask her a question. He just emails. My dad’s boss doesn’t hold regular staff meetings anymore. People just make sure their phones are on. The boss sends a mass message and people reply here and there from there. Sometimes these meetings will go on for days. Actually, one time it lasted almost a month. If this is how the world is going I’m excited.”

A second area youth also agreed that talking face to face is a major irritation. “My voice hurts. I have spent so much lunch money at the pop machine trying to get my voice back. Texting is so awesome because I can text my friends all day during class and still whoop it up at basketball games. Without texting I can’t be obnoxious and annoy all the annoying parents. And pretty sure it would not be cool to show up in earmuffs to the basketball games.”

The last area youth I spoke with said that despite the rise in earmuff sales, she will not jump on this fashion bandwagon. “Earmuffs, I don’t think so. I can’t wear those to the beach while I show off my new swimsuit!” She further stated, “My friend called me up last weekend to go shopping. Uh, what was that? Like, doesn’t she realize I don’t even answer my phone calls? She’s not my friend anymore.”

Parents please do not even try and talk to your kids. There is a new app out there that is being downloaded in record numbers. When your child texts, a signal is sent up through the arm to the ear and all voice communication is muted. Be aware that if you talk to your children and they don’t respond, this app might very well be installed on the cell phone.

Footnotes:

*Jibber Jabber refers to all form of human voice communication.

*These interviews were conducted strictly through texts. None of the youths would agree to speak to me on the phone or in person.

*I have received numerous slander lawsuits claiming earmuff sales have hit a slump because I made a comment that earmuffs are ugly. I don’t personally think earmuffs are ugly. I was simply stating the consensus of those interviewed.