Category Archives: Recipes For Success

You can build anything if you have the Recipe For Success

PHI Eagles Fans Kindly Asked To Wear Purple (Instead Of Green) To Super Bowl

Leave a reply

As a sign of friendship, some Minneapolis bars are offering Philadelphia Eagles fans a free beer.

Minneapolis, MN – Vikings fans are kindly asking Philadelphia Eagles fans to wear purple when attending Super Bowl 52 in the Minnesota Viking’s brand new stadium.

Members of the Vikings Fans Safety Committee all agree that to ensure the safety of Philadelphia Eagles fans while entering and exiting the Vikings Stadium, they should not be wearing any green.

The VFSC stated: “To atone for their sin of mistreating Vikings fans while attending the playoff game in Philadelphia, and to show they are sorry for what they did, and that they regret their stupid, misguided actions, we Vikings fans are willing to extend an olive branch in the name of safety, and allow for safe passage of Eagles fans while in Minnesota, as long as they wear Vikings purple instead of Eagles green.”

Some Religious Groups Demanding Statue Of David Wear Some Clothes

Leave a reply

Many devoutly religious people are quite offended by Michelangelo’s David being totally buck naked.

Florence, South Dakota – Many religious groups are now demanding that all statues of David be “properly clothed” so as to not offend onlookers.

Leo Gleichman, after seeing David, commented: “Perhaps this would’ve been OK back when times were different, but in today’s society, this is just plain offensive.”

Loli McGeehan, who couldn’t leave the statue of David fast enough, barked: “I haven’t been this offended since the first slow dance at my high school prom!”

Ameen Coghill strongly thinks: “This statue should either be draped with large curtains, or immediately removed and destroyed.”

Alice Engholm, who thought she had seen it all, noted: “The statue of David is very large, but why does he have to be so fracking naked? Someone needs to get that boy some clothes!”

Ironically, the letters in the names of all the people we interviewed can be re-arranged to spell: Michelangelo!

Selling Stolen Pets Becoming Big Business

Leave a reply

Your little Trixy could be sold multiple times at underground pet auctions.

Fargo, ND – More and more people in the Fargo-Moorhead area are having their pets stolen. If this isn’t bad enough, these pets are then sold multiple times at underground pet auctions, sometimes while having to wear funny costumes.

The Sheriff’s office says some of the “bad people” are claiming lost pets, getting them from the humane society, or just stealing them from running unlocked cars or out of fenced back yards.

We were able to witness an underground pet auction while wearing a Donald Trump mask. At this auction we saw one small Shih-Tzu originally named Trixy sold as Biscuits for $100, then again by that buyer as Bingo for $200, and then again by that buyer as Flex for $350.

Apparently during winter months, after a dog or cat is stolen, they are then quickly transported through a series of snow tunnels. The problem is getting so bad that some people are hiring guard dogs to protect their pets, but those too are getting stolen.

We asked the Sheriff and one of his deputies what the answer is to this pervasive problem? Their answer was, at least during the winter months, to not allow systems of snow tunnels to be built within city limits.

When learning about how wide-spread the problem is, the astounding number of pets being stolen shocked the Sheriff, but did not shock the deputy.

Readers Invited To Email Us Ideas For Future Posts

Leave a reply

By emailing us ideas for future posts, think of yourself as a member of our Virtual Readers Board.

West Fargo, ND – The FM Observer is cordially inviting all of our readers to email us any ideas for future posts that you would like to see (or not see).

As a member of FM Observer’s Virtual Readers Board, not only can you help steer the ship, but it will also look real good on your resume.

If an idea pops into your head for either a fake news story or perhaps a satirical post about a “real” news story, simply email it to fmobserver@gmail.com.

Ideas can be just one or two words, or perhaps a full headline. They will be discussed at our daily round-table discussion group meetings and then possibly assigned to one of our many capable reporters and writers.

As a bonus, every emailed idea will get your email address put into a large ceramic cookie jar from whence we may periodically select a winner of some fabulous prizes, which may include (but not limited to): a pet hamster, a framed autographed picture, and a one-way ticket to some random destination.

If there is something going on (or not going on) that you think we should address, please let us know by emailing your idea(s) to fmobserver@gmail.com!

Man Who Caused Hawaii Missile Mishap Admits He May Have Pushed The Wrong Button

Leave a reply

Control Room may have too many buttons, and not enough ash trays.

Pearl Harbor, Hawaii – After finding the man who may be responsible for causing Hawaii’s 38 minutes of mass missile-mishap manic panic, we are now finding out more about how it may have happened.

Tong Turnbow does admit he may have accidentally hit the wrong button, but quickly follows that up with the problem being “too many buttons”.

“I have complained many times that this control room seems to have way too many buttons, half of which no one knows what they do!” says Mr. Turnbow who also believes he has been over-worked and under-paid for years.

Mr. Turnbow did also mention the Emergency Alert button may have inadvertently been pushed when he was reaching for a beer while having his morning smoke break.

Ironically, all the letters in Tong Turnbow can somehow be re-arranged to spell: Wrong Button!

CNN’s Anderson Pooper Gets South Park Award For Swearing 81 Times In One Hour

Leave a reply

While the moon is waxing and waning, it is never complaining. –Anthony Weiner

Cooper, TX – History was made last night when Anderson Pooper swore 81 times on an hour long prime-time show.

After Anderson decided to say “shit-hole” once, the dam had been broken, and it and variations of it were said another eighty times during his show AC360.

“Yes, it was all in response to what President Trump said earlier in the day, but that was supposedly in the privacy of the President’s White House,” says Dr. Seth Hilo, who is very smart.

Dr. Seth Hilo goes on: “What Anderson Pooper and his guests were saying was on televisions in every airport and family dining room across America.”

As for President Trump, the White House has issued this official correction: “What the President meant to say was that Haiti and all of Africa are not shit-holes, like where Oprah lives in California.”

Ironically, all of the letters in Seth Hilo can be re-arranged to spell…

Fargo Flocks To Car Washes Before Return Of Dreaded Polar Vortex

Leave a reply

Long lines expected at every car wash in the FM area in effort to beat the return of Global Cooling.

Fargo, ND – In a community-wide frenzied effort to get all cars washed prior to the return of Algore’s Polar Vortex, every car wash is expecting a record-breaking day.

Lines into car washes could be so long that police may have to direct traffic while managing road rage caused by people trying to bud in line.

After such a long streak of freakily cold weather, nearly every vehicle in the greater FM area is dirtier than Harvey Weinstein’s office.

“Yah, people around here like to keep their cars real clean, so there’s that then, plus, it’s just kind of a fun thing to do, in order to get out of the house, cuz ya can’t watch Judge Judy all day, don’t-cha know?” explains Ernie Flapwood, an FM-Observer consultant, who likes free coffee, and has an opinion about pretty much everything.

Jeff Sessions Voted Most Out-Of-Touch Person In America

Leave a reply

Jeff Sessions: Out of touch.

Denver, CO – Attorney General Jeff Sessions has just been voted the Most Out-Of-Touch Person in the USA by the Common Sense Club.

By his recent decision to rescind the James Cole Memo, AG Sessions is basically telling U.S. attorneys to go after marijuana outlets that are complying with their state regulations rather than solely focusing on drug cartels and cross-border trafficking.

With 29 states and the District of Columbia now allowing medical or recreational use of marijuana, not only does this backward lurch go against the will of the people, but it also contradicts President Trump’s personal thoughts on this matter.

In a television interview on July 29, 2016 with KUSA-TV in Colorado, Trump said: “I wouldn’t do that [using federal authority to shut down recreational marijuana], no. I wouldn’t do that. I think it’s up to the states, yeah. I’m a states person. I think it should be up to the states, absolutely.”

In a radio interview with WWJ News Radio 950 in Michigan on March 8, 2016, Trump said “I think it certainly has to be a state decision. I do like it, you know, from a medical standpoint. It does do pretty good things. But from the other standpoint, I think that it should be up to the states.”

At a campaign rally in Sparks, Nevada on Oct. 29, 2015, Trump said: “The marijuana thing is such a big thing. I think medical should happen, right? Don’t we agree? I think so. And then I really believe we should leave it up to the states. It should be a state situation, but I believe that the legalization of marijuana, other than for medical because I think medical, you know I know people that are very, very sick and for whatever reason the marijuana really helps them, but in terms of marijuana and legalization, I think that should be a state issue, state-by-state.”

Maybe President Trump should explain to Attorney General Jeff Sessions that this should be a state-by-state decision and that the Federal Government should be hands off on the marijuana issue.

Maybe Attorney General Jeff Sessions should recuse himself, pack his bags, go back to Alabama, and spend the rest of his days playing golf with the not-so-honorable Roy Moore.

President Expected To Swear More After Study Shows Profanity Is Sign Of Honesty

Leave a reply

I shit you not! That bitch Hillary is the one who was fucking colluding with the goddamn Russians!

Washington, DC – President Trump, in an effort to quickly increase how honest he is perceived, will not only start swearing more in his public comments and tweets, but will also encourage his entire fucking Cabinet to all start using a lot more profanity in their day to day work lives.

The President is also going to have his whole family practice swearing by playing the amazing game called Add-On Swear Word which was first introduced on the FM Observer award-winning website.

“To create a more honest country, I strongly fucking urge all Americans to swear more by playing FMO’s Add-On Swear Word game on a daily basis.”

Barron Trump, the President’s youngest son, was overheard in the White House saying: “I love this shit. This is going to be fucking great!”

Moorhead Woman Builds House All By Herself

Leave a reply

I am truly proud of what I’ve accomplished with my own two hands.

Moorhead, MN – Evette Brickhouse set a lofty goal of building her own home.

While sipping on a few jumbo margaritas with a friend three years ago, Ms. Brickhouse decided she wanted to build herself her own dream home “with no help from nobody!”

Using the internet, Evette learned how to make bricks in her own old kiln using clay from her yard.

She cleverly found and used scrap wood from neighborhood boulevards during Clean Out Week.

After three long labor-intensive years of doing “just one task after another”, Ms. Brickhouse was proudly able to finally reveal her new dream home to some dumbfounded friends and doubting distant relatives.

Evette in her own words: “I am a big believer in setting goals. Without goals, a hockey team would never win a game. Well, I just fucking won the game of life. And to all my naysayers, you can just bite me!”