Category Archives: Recipes For Success

You can build anything if you have the Recipe For Success

Hillary Didn’t Even Have A Computer In Her Office!

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How can I send a frickin email if I don’t even have a computer in my fricking office?!

Capitol Hill, DC – Our chief Washington correspondent, Mr. Ben Ghazi, was lucky enough be present while President-Elect Hillary Clinton got brutally questioned by mean, extremist, Republican members of Congress.

FMO’s Ben Ghazi reports that when Hillary was asked about her emails, she cleverly remarked that “she did not even have a computer in her office,” after which she yelled:

Hillary: “And even if I did have a fricking computer in my office, at this point, what difference does it make?!”

Trey Gowdy: “Why didn’t you have a computer in your office? That seems a bit unbelievable, in this day and age.”

Hillary: “Because, sir, I did not even have a desk in my office, and even if I did, what difference does it make at this point?!”

Jim Jordan: “With all due respect, Madam Secretary, could some evidence of wrongdoing by you or a member of your staff have been flushed down the toilet?”

Hillary: “No! Because, quite frankly, we did not even have a bathroom near my office, and even if I did, at this point, what difference does it make?!”

Peter Roskam: “It seems like you had a pretty stark office there. Could any incriminating materials have been swept under the rug, by any chance?”

Hillary: “Absolutely not! Not only did we not have any rugs or carpet to sweep things under, sir, we didn’t even have a floor in my office. And even if we did, at this point, what the hell difference does it make?!”

Johnnny’s Third Retrospective (Posts 200-300)

My second one hundred posts.

My 3rd 100 posts. Now I can build an even longer fence.

Since 300 is such a nice round number (and it is Roman Numeral CCC, which stands for Chocolate Chip Cookies), it was decided to use the occasion of my 300th post to take a trip back down memory lane.

In bowling, 300 is the ultimate, perfect score. In paintball, 300 feet/second is the maximum legal velocity of a paintball.

So, it’s time once again to look back on Johnnny’s last 100 posts on FM Observer.

All posts are listed as clickable hyperlinks in chronological order. Enjoy!

200. Johnnny’s Second 100 Posts
201. Brian Williams’ Entire Identity Now Being Questioned
202. National Bonfire Month To Help Combat Global Cooling
203. Drunk Zamboni Driver Ices Ex-Wife’s Property
204. NASA Rocket Launch Bringing Two Of Every Species To The Moon
205. Things To Know About Valentine’s Day
206. Chinese New Year: Year Of The Sheep
207. Swimmable Lake Discovered On Mars
208. Father Of Modern Photography Coming To Fargo
209. Top Ten Zen Proverbs
210. FM Observer To Begin Series Of Area Restaurant Reviews
211. March Is National Eat More Vegetables Month
212. Donate Your Junker To Cars For The Blind
213. Red River Zoo Adding A Rat Farm
214. No One Leaves Alive From This Fargo Haunted House
215. FM Observer Reported Describes Seeing A Ghost
216. The Times They Are A-Changin’
217. FM Observer Restaurant Review: Grand Porks
218. Oceans Rising Faster Than Predicted; Millions Moving To North Dakota
219. Renters Complaining About Clogged Plumbing Get Told By Landlord To Go Screw Themselves
220. Minnesota Tells Residents To Stick It To Fargo
221. Downtown Fargo Parking Sucks; No Plans To Fix
222. Large Sinkhole Creates New Minnesota Lake; Lots Selling Quickly
223. Dolphin Correctly Picks Every Game In Second Round Of March Madness
224. FM Observer Donates Million Dollar Painting To Help Save Fargo’s Horse Park
225. The New West Fargo Recycling Bins Are The Size Of A Hot Tub
226. Fargo Starts New Program To Help Juveniles Avoid Jail
227. Miraculous Elderhaus Magically Cures Whatever Ails You
228. Burning Ban Does Not Include Throwing Lit Cigarettes Out Car Windows
229. Vegas Casinos Ridding Roulette Wheel Of Number 23
230. Drought-Sticken California Looking To Dip Into Swimming Pools
231. Montana Pipe Dream A Religious Experience
232. How To Tell If A Bird Has The Bird Flu
233. Large Comet To Hit Downtown Fargo Next Year
234. Moorhead Starting A Community Bongo Band
235. New Business Called Janitors On Steroids Coming To Fargo-Moorhead Area
236. Wedding Tax Obama Administration’s Next Executive Action
237. New Family Restaurant Offers All-You-Can-Eat Pancakes
238. National Weatherman Walk-Out Threatens Nation
239. Baltimore Mayor A Paragon Of Political Pragmatism
240. Minnesota Pond Scum Being Sold As Organic Herbal Muck
241. Yellowstone Park To Soon Blow Its Top
242. Center For Disease Control Bans The Handshake
243. Shania Twain Moving To Fargo
244. New Fargo Children’s Daycare Called Spookhouse
245. Fargo’s Uber Program Offers Free One-Way Jet Rides To Anywhere
246. Some Rejected UND Nicknames Maybe Worth Another Look
247. BitchFest 3000 Coming To Fargo
248. Dr. Finance: What To Do With Too Much Money?
249. Donald Trump Building Skyscraper In Moorhead Just For The Hell Of It
250. Fargo Man Accused Of Illegally Cloning Dachshunds For Profit
251. Leonard Nimoy To Be Rejuvenated With Project Genesis
252. New Insane Asylum For Pets Gives Families Hope
253. Super Fans Will Blow Storm Clouds Away
254. Fargo’s Redhawks Just Hoping To Win A Game
255. FM Observer Soon Going 3-Dimensional
256. New Cheeseburger-Shaped Space Restaurant Ready To Serve
257. Local Large-Group Marriage Expected To Go To The Supreme Court
258. Fargo Airport To Allow Runway Drag Racing In Between Flights
259. Condemned Grand Forks Castle Renting Out As Party House
260. Mosquito Spraying Turns Tadpole Into Giant Mega-Toad
261. Father’s Day Surprise: Wife Gives Birth During Rollercoaster Ride
262. FM Observer Announces Winner Of 1st Dubious Yard-Of-The-Month Award
263. NDSU To Offer Rock Balancing As Major Field Of Study
264. New FM/Lakes Shuttle Service To Alleviate Weekend Traffic
265. Binge Drinking OKed In Fargodome Suites During Football Games
266. Source Of Haze Over Fargo Discovered
267. Woman Living In Hammock Above Fargo Park
268. BigFoot Spotted Roaming WE Fest Area
269. Local Idiot Support Group Has Standing-Room-Only During 1st Meeting
270. Fargo Police Give Blue Angels Speeding Ticket
271. New UND Nickname and Logo Soon Announced: The Sundogs!
272. It’s Official: Jar Jar Binks Is Moving To Fargo
273. In Case You’re Not Sure, Take The FMO Sanity Test
274. Wild Zebra Continues To Run Rings Around Fargo
275. ND License Plates Being Widened To 14 Characters
276. Visit Fargo’s Famous Upside-Down House
277. Many Fargo Dogs And Dog Owners Using Magic Mushroom Therapy To Create A Closer Bondage
278. Donald Trump Planning Fly Overs To Drop $100 Bills In Many Key Voting States
279. Fighting Sioux Fans Plan Freedom-Of-Speech Class-Action Lawsuit Against NCAA
280. Many Considering Getting A Shingle Shot Opting For A Double Shot Instead
281. Local Art Show To Help Hillary’s Legal Defense Fund
282. Haunted Scientology Farm Scaring The Living Crap Out Of Visitors
283. Answer To Fargo’s Beaver Problem: Catapult Them Into Minnesota
284. President Changes Names Of Rocky Mountains, Alabama, and Hawaii
285. Lutheran Social Services Promises To Increase The Number Of Refugees Coming Into Fargo
286. Canada Building Wall To Keep Out Mericans And Mexicans
287. If Elected, President Trump Vows To Go Bald
288. New Designated Driver Party Bus Offers Free Rides To Bars In The Fargo Area
289. Vast Amounts Of Chocolate Discovered On Mars
290. Psychic Convention To Be Held In Fargo, North Dakota
291. Caitlyn Jenner On New $10 Hero Bill
292. Ladybug Named Insect Of The Year By Entomologists
293. After Meeting With Bishops, Rooks, And Pawns, Pope Goes Golfing With Obama
294. Former Vikings Mascot Now With Green Bay Packers
295. Donald Trump To House Speaker Boehner: You’re Fired!
296. Fargo’s New Hospital To Treat Dogs And Cats
297. New ‘Cat Fight’ Movie Will Scare The Shit Out Of Cat Lovers
298. Bose Named Next Speaker Of The House
299. New ND Governor’s Mansion To Be Way Nicer Than South Dakota’s

New ND Governor’s Mansion To Be Way Nicer Than South Dakota’s

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Architectural rendering of North Dakota’s new Governor’s Mansion

Bismarck, ND – North Dakota has finally decided to build a new Governor’s Mansion, since its current one looks like an out-dated, dilapidated, detached garage.

The Capitol Grounds Planning Commission basically told the architects to “spare no expense” in making sure that North Dakota’s new Governor’s Residence is “twice as nice” as the one in South Dakota.

The final design for the new $55 million dwelling which was recently approved by The Commission is similar to one of Hugh Hefner’s famous Playboy mansions.

The new Gubernatorial Party Palace will reportedly have multiple large hot-tubs, an indoor shooting range, original paintings by Amsterdam Douglass, and a fully-stocked petting zoo and liquor cabinet.

Underground tunnels will allow the Governor and First Lady to comfortably walk to the Capitol during a blizzard, as well as to the former Governor’s Residence, which will be used as a Dog House for the First Dog.

Bose Named Next Speaker Of The House

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Say hello to the next Speaker of the House!

Framingham, MA – Bose has been named the next Speaker of the House.

With the power vacuum left by resigning John Boehner and now unfilled by indecisive Republicans, President Obama has used his growing Executive Action Authority to name Bose as the next Speaker of the House.

Democratics agree that Bose is the best and logical choice for Speaker of the House and praise President Obama’s wisdom and leadership during these difficult and unchartered times.

As Speaker of the House, Bose will be second in line to become president, after Vice President Biden.

Despite the fact that Bose is a privately held company, its stock value tripled on the news that Bose is the next Speaker of the House.

New ‘Cat Fight’ Movie Will Scare The Shit Out Of Cat Lovers

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Here Kitty Kitty!

Hollywood, CA – Set to open just before Halloween, the highly anticipated latest new scary movie called “Cat Fight” from Director Blaze Benzun will shirley deliver.

Cat lover and owner Shirley Nightly sees her lovable cat Fritz, whom she once found as a cute little abandoned kitten, go from a normal, decent cat to the mega-nightmare cat that only Blaze Benzun could have concocted.

People that have seen the movie have reportedly gone home and immediately “gotten rid of” their cat(s) out of incurable chronic acute felinophobia.

Look for Cat Fight at any theaters near you that show all those super scary movies around Halloween time.

Don’t try to trick the cat after you offer it a treat!

Fargo’s New Hospital To Treat Dogs And Cats

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SanFurd Pawspital to treat pets.

Fargo, ND – The new Sanford Mega-Hospital being built along I-94 has just announced that one entire wing will be devoted to providing healthcare for pets.

“Because of the recent pet population explosion, especially in the West Fargo area, we’ve decided that one of the four hospital wings will be exclusively for dogs and cats”, says Sanford spokesperson Pat Wingnut.

The new “Sanfurd Pawspital” (which the Pet Wing will affectionately be called) will honor both Peticare and Peticaid, as is mandated by Obamacare.

Sanford’s new Pet Hospital will have an indoor Petting Zoo, a No Barking Zone, along with a state-of-the-art I. C. U. and U. C. Me.

For any local cat emergencies, simply call Sanfurd Pawspital’s FeLine which is 8888-FELINE. For doggy problems, call the Canine Hot-Line which is 8888-ARF-ARF.

For Level One pet emergencies, the Flight-of-Life helicopter will pick up and lovingly bring your sick and wounded pets back to the HeliPad for immediate affordable care, as is mandated by Obamacare.

Donald Trump To House Speaker Boehner: ‘You’re Fired!’

John Boehner, you're fired!

John Boehner, you’re fired!

New York, NY – In preparation for his upcoming presidency, Donald Trump is already making some big changes.

On Friday, the Trumpster told House Speaker John Boehner, “You’re Fired!”.

Now, whenever anyone has a weepy, tearful moment, it is being called “a Boehner moment”.

At this juncture, The Donald is leaning toward having Motivational Speaker Matt Foley replace John Boehner as Speaker of the House.

Here is a list of some other possible key changes President-Elect Donald Trump wants to make for his administration:

  • Gary Busey: White House Chief-of-Staff
  • La Toya Jackson: Plastic Surgeon General
  • Dennis Rodman: Ambassador to North Korea
  • Megyn Kelly: Ambassador to Siberia
  • Rosie O’Donnell: Secretary of Sanitation & Waste Disposal
  • Bill Cosby: Drug Company Czar
  • Ray Rice: Head of Hotel Security
  • Michael Vick: Director of the Humane Society
  • Al Sharpton: N-Word Police Force Captain
  • Tom Brady: Deflation Czar
  • Bernie Madoff: Treasury Secretary
  • Ted Nugent: President of the N.R.A.
  • Willie’s Nelson: Medical Marijuana Czar
  • Subway’s Jared Fogle: Director of Youth Programs
  • Larry Bird: Avian Flu Coach
  • King Kong: Outside Building Inspector
  • Jerry Lundegaard: CA$H-For-Clunkers Director
  • Major Tom: Director of N.A.S.A.
  • Walter White: Methodist Church Bishop
  • Caitlyn Jenner: Transportation Secretary
  • Jack Daniels: Head of the A.T.F.
  • The UND Fighting Sioux: Oversee the N.C.A.A.
  • Dracula: Director of the Blood Bank & The Red Cross
  • Billy Graham: Secretary of S’mores
  • KFGO’s Joel Heitkamp: Head Grammarian
  • Chewbacca: Director of ESL (English as a 2nd Language)
  • Billy Bob Thornton: In charge of just General Weird Shit
  • Village People: To oversee the Y.M.C.A.
  • Men at Work: In charge of Job Creation
  • Pink Floyd: In charge of The Wall
  • Jacksonville Jaguars Mascot: Ebola Czar

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Former Vikings Mascot Now With Green Bay Packers

Ragnar and Rogers team up!

Ragnar and Rodgers happy to team up!

Green Bay, WI – After being let go by the Minisoda ViQueens, Ragnar has signed a lucrative contract with the Green Gay Packers.

Mascot Ragnar was recently let go by the ViQueens for “megalomaniacal insubordination” and asking for too much money.

Ragnar’s agent, Celedor Galbassi, said: “Ragnar thought he was asking for a reasonable raise based on his senior status amongst all the other NFL team mascots.”

The Packers were quick to offer Ragnar a sweet benefits package that he could not refuse, including a nice pay raise and all the free cheese he and his family can eat.

Mr. Galbassi did mention that Ragnar will have to paint his motorcycle gold and dark green, and also wear a cheesehead instead of the old horns.

After Meeting With Bishops, Rooks, And Pawns, Pope Goes Golfing With Obama

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Right this way to the golf course, Your Popeness!

Washington, DC – After spending a busy day visiting with everyone from top Catholic bishops down to some lowly pawns and paupers, Pope Francis was challenged by President Obama to a friendly round of golf by way of a short ride on Marine One.

As many people know (or don’t know), the Pope is an avid golfer.

The Pope has played many a round of golf with fellow Argentinian Angel Cabrera, who has won both the U.S. Open and the Masters, after having received some helpful golf tips (and spiritual guidance) from the Pope.

Both Pope Frank and President Obama are expected to attend the upcoming world leaders’ invitational golf event in Russia called Puttin’ With Putin.

Ladybug Named Insect-Of-The-Year By Entomologists

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Little red bug, oh so cute, here’s a black spot for your suit. –Susan M. Paprocki

Ladysmith, Wisconsin – The Entomological Society of America has just announced that the ladybug is the proud winner of the coveted Insect-of-the-Year Award.

In very close voting, the ladybug beat out the firefly, the monarch butterfly, and the praying mantis.

The ladybug has long been a perennial favorite (except for when it bites) because they are so cute and tame.

The ladybug eats those nasty little aphids which are very harmful because they suck the living juices out of plants.

One ladybug can put down as many as fifty fricking aphids in one sitting.

Many people are starting to host their own ladybug farms right in their own homes as pets for companionship and also to sell for profit to organic gardeners in their locales.

If you want to host a ladybug farm, remember to leave a glass of water out for them to drink. For a little extra fun, occasionally put out a margarita instead and watch all the craziness!