Ridiculously Unphotogenic Hugh Jackman
Ridiculously Unphotogenic Hugh Jackman
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Author Archives: Bill Burns
Miracle, A Female Peregrine Falcon Returns To Fargo. Husband Missing.
Fargo, ND – Since April, many birds have started their seasonal migration back to the Fargo-Moorhead area. One of the those birds is a peregrine falcon named Miracle. Since 2008, Miracle and her mate Dakota Ace have been setting up shop outside the 12th floor of the Bank of the West building in downtown Fargo. The only difference this year, Dakota Ace is nowhere to be seen. At a ripe age of 15, it is speculated that Dakota Ace did not survive the winter. It is possible that he simply hasn’t made the trek home yet but with each passing day it is becoming a less likely scenario.
We smelled bullshit on this story right away. Upon hearing Dakota Ace was missing, we were on a mission to find out what really happened to him. After extension research, copious amounts of coffee, and dozens of dead ends, we finally found Dakota Ace in the least likely of places, a bar in southern Florida. We sat down with Dakota Ace to get the story.
“Where in the world have you been Dakota? The people of Fargo have been worried about you.” I asked. “Well, where do I begin. I couldn’t stand that old hag anymore. She was constantly nagging! Go hunt some food for me. Build this nest. Fix this nest. Do this. Do that. It never ended. Always asking where I’ve been when everytime it’s because I’m out getting her and I food to survive. I couldn’t stand it anymore. She was just a total bitch. Besides that, she started getting fat. Who wants to live with that? When I first started mating with her she was a 10. After a few years she turned into a 2. Bleh! Gross! Talk about false advertising! To top it all off, Fargo is cold! Always windy, always cold, and it snows for half the year. Screw that! I’m going to enjoy the hot and humid weather here in Florida. Please tell that old hag that I died a terrible death. Please! I beg of you!”
I bought Mr. Ace another beer and we chatted late into the evening. I fulfilled Mr. Ace’s request and told Miracle that Dakota had died a terrible death and to move on. Apparently Miracle believed me as there has been another male possibly spotted in the Fargo-Moorhead area.
We wish Mr. Ace the best and hopes he gets the relaxation he deserves.
Android Gets Instagram. Apple Fans’ Buttholes Hurt.
Fargo, ND – The ever so popular Instagram iPhone application popular among dirty hipsters and dumb fucks in general, was released for Android a couple days ago. In case you didn’t know how much I love Instagram, you can read my rant Instragram Sucks and So Do You. Following the release, butthurt Apple fans took to Twitter and Facebook to vent their hate and disgust. As if you didn’t need anymore reasons to hate these prime candidates for natural dissection, continue below.
Somebody needs to tell this fanboy that Steve Jobs didn't create the Instagram app.
While working on putting this article together, I learned that there is an actually hashtag on twitter named #teamiphone. Seriously, what is wrong with these people? After browsing twitter with this hashtag I am no longer annoyed by apple fanboys but now absolutely despise them and wouldn’t think twice about dropping a bomb on these corporate masterbaters. So now with the release of instagram on android, we can look forward to more ephemeromorphs taking shitty pictures. Great day for humanity. Great day indeed.
Running, Rollerblading, Biking, Hotties, Causing Car Crashes Across The Fargo-Moorhead Area.
Fargo, ND – You can tell spring is finally here as seen by the boners casually sticking out of men’s shorts or the increase of car crashes across the Fargo-Moorhead area. Fargo-Moorhead has seen a dramatic increase of car crashes since fresh air and nice weather has graced the region. Since Monday, there have been a total of 10 automobile accidents and all of them were males behind the wheel.
One crash was report on 25th st and 32nd ave in South Fargo. We spoke with the man involved in the accident and asked how it all happened.
“Well I was listening to the song Dancing Queen by ABBA and rolling down the street pretty hard. I looked to my left and saw a huge rack of big ol’ titties bouncing up and down to the beat of the same song I was listening to. She was just riding her bike all hot and stuff. Next thing I knew, the front of my car was halfway through the back end of the car in front of me.”
We were on location of another accident on 9th st e and 18th ave e West Fargo. We asked Peter File how it all went down.
“I was just driving around Cheney Middle School over and over you know? I was uh, just bored on my day off. I spilled some pop on my crotch and was wiping it up when something passed the corner of my eye. I looked over to see a very sexy young lady on roller blades. The last thing I remember was seeing her sweaty nipples through her white shirt. It was glorious! Then I crashed my car into a light pole and that sucked. I blacked out for 10 minutes but I will always remember the nipple sweat.”
Lastly we spoke with James who veered off the road, went down a ditch, jumped 2ft over a hill and finally landed in a man made lake.
“I was simply minding my own business when I saw two girlfriends in short shorts running down the road. I was imagining how cool it would be for them to just stop running and start making out. That’s when I veered off the road like the dukes of hazzard.
This beautiful weather is only going to get nicer so we can only hope we see more barley dressed women hopping around like not a care in the world. I apologize. What I meant was, as it’s only the start of spring, this weather is only going to get nicer. Let’s pay attention to our fellow drivers and keep our eyes on the road.
Management for Dummies!
I think this guy pretty much represents the majority of mentally unstable managers in this world that we all have to deal with on a regular basis.
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A New generation in Moorhead is breaking the librarian stereotype
Moorhead, MN – As I walked into the library, the cool air with a tint of old book smell hit my nose. It reminded me of my young days in elementary school. Looking around I could see piles of books stacked up around me. Some books look used and worn while other books looked lonely and unused. Walking towards the back I couldn’t stop thinking about the stories behind all these books. Where have they been? How have they been treated? As I was thinking I stumbled into a pale white figure hiding in the shadows.
Scared, I asked the sickly looking young adult if it needed help. “Help?” it asked. “I was going to ask YOU if you needed something. I’m the librarian.” Vampire boy has been a librarian for three years now. White, pale looking skin, and fake vampire teeth is not your stereotypical appearance of a librarian. He is not the only one. A new generation of 20-somethings are breaking the stereotypical librarian role. Vampires and wizards have been showing up in libraries across the US. Movie series such as Twilight and Harry Potter have spawned a generation of wannabe vampires and magic spewing young adults. Instead of nice quiet ladies with glasses, slightly greying hair, and a warming smile, we are now being greeted with black eyeliner, fake vampire teeth and pale skinned freaks. Wannabe wizards with fake capes and fake superpowers have also been spotted.
For Harry Potter (yes this was his real name), he thought about attending college after high school. Instead, he is a library assistant in Moorhead, MN.
“Initially I thought about studying quantum mechanics at Harvard but the library kept drawing me in. Where else could I get paid to study magical powers and spell casting? This, this is what brought me here.”
Last week a student came in and wanted to know how to cast a fire spell. Harry Potter knew exactly how to help him. Another young adult came in yesterday wondering how to drink blood. Vampire boy knew exactly how to help the lad.
In the end it comes down to customer service. What better way to provide customer service then to hire vampire boy and harry potter to help with your library needs.
Dog’s Diary vs Cat’s Diary
I Don’t Know How To List Something Online Because I’m A Dumbass
Buy my junk!
Fargo, ND – So you got something you want to get rid of or sell eh? These days, with the internet, it is so much easier to sell or get rid of something then it ever has before.
Everyone has a camera, every phone has a camera in it, and good quality cameras are so cheap. So what better way to sell something then by posting an ad on the internet. I mean, there are multiple classified ad websites you can list on and an online auction called eBay. All you need to do is simply provide a decent sized picture, a description (this is something that describes what the fuck you are listing), and your ass is good to go, right? Wrong. To some people, that either makes no fucking sense or they didn’t get past the 3rd grade because mother nature hates them so much for being stupid.
Let’s start with the picture aspect of listing something online. Here are some basics that my common sense brain will grace you with. First off, it has to be a decent size. This is critical so people can see what pile of shit you’re trying to pawn off on someone else. I often see people post ads such as the one below. It makes me want to drive my car into the front of their house.
Hey everyone! I sniff paint everyday and hit myself repeatedly in the face for fun! As you can see below, I’ve included a really big picture of my pile of shit so you can see exactly what I’m selling! $1
Here is what the ad should look like.
Oh hey everyone! My mom told me at a young age to not do a ton of drugs so I have a little common sense. I’ve posted a picture below of a really cool post-it note that people randomly leave on my desk for some reason! I don’t understand! They are so silly! Anyways, at least you can see what I’m selling! Thanks! $1
The second part of the ad is the description. Let’s say if you took a picture of your poop. You would probably put in the description, “I’m selling my piece of shit.” Right? Seems simple enough and it describes exactly what you’re selling. Well, not simple enough for these sad excuses for humans. Let my common sense brain grace you with my common sense again. See my examples below.
Right Way
Oh hey everyone! I just got back from the hospital! I had a headache for so long. They said it’s because i’ve been a dumbass for too long! Haha! OMG! Anyways, below I have a piece of shit Toyota Tercel for sale. It has 120k miles, rust all over, hardly works, and tranny is going bad. This piece of shit is all yours for $200.
Wrong Way
Hi! It’s me! I’m a race car driver and I’m retiring my supped up Toyota Tercel. I’ve won national championships with this and I’ve put over 15k into it! This thing is fast! Everything works! This is all yours for $3,000! Super cheap! Must sell fast! In EXCELLENT CONDITION!!! RUST FREE! NEEDS NOTHING!! I’m going to jail soon for running over marathon runners. Silly me! I’m such a clutz!
So there you go. Now you know the basics of not being a dumbass when listing something to sell online.
Sloth Crossing The Road – I Believe I Can Fly
Sloth minding his own business. Hell it probably took him days to get to that spot. Then out of nowhere, he is flying through the air and across the street. Complete mind fuck for the sloth.
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Dogs On A Swing.
Full of win.
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