Author Archives: Bill Burns

About Bill Burns

Bill grew up in one of the largest cities in the United States, Maza, North Dakota. Being a cow milker by trade, it was only after stroking thousands upon thousands of cow nipples was he able to save up enough money and move to Fargo, ND. It was here that he joined FM Observer. In his free time he enjoys carving rocking horses out of wood, healing the sick, and running marathons across oceans.

Lemmings Forming Lines As iPad 3 Is Released.

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“Something squishy is in my pants”

Fargo, ND – Every few months there is a big product release where people are willing to wait in line for hours upon hours in order to get the chance to buy some shit they don’t need.  Today it’s the iPad 3.  In the early morning hours, lemmings have started forming lines outside the Best Buy in Fargo, ND.  The line has extended out into the street which has caused a few problems.  These brain dead humans are getting run over and hit buy cars and it doesn’t even seem to phase them nor do they care.  They just keep coming.  Local apple fucktwat had this to say, “I wanted this so bad I told my boss to go fuck himself so I could come here and wait in line.  I won’t have a job after today but at least I’ll have my new iPad 3!”  We completely understand.  Another person in line had this to say, “I have literally crapped my pants and don’t even care!  I can’t wait to get my new iPad!”

We wish these lemmings the best.  After the dust settles and things are back to normal, we will be back and reporting on it again when Apple releases the iPad 4 in a couple months.

Marilyn Hagerty Olive Garden

Marilyn Hagerty Mistakes Olive Garden For A Gentlemen’s Club.

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Fargo, ND – Marilyn Hagerty has been living the life as of recently.  After her review of a local Grand Forks Olive Garden went viral, Marilyn has been traveling around the big city of New York.  From doing interviews and shooting with the crew of Anderson Cooper 360, Marilyn has been busy.  She was in for a little surprise earlier today as she stopped at the local Olive Garden to get a bite to eat.  I mean why not.  Olive Garden is what got her there.

Not paying attention, just being old, or needing new glasses, Marilyn didn’t enter the Olive Garden. Instead, she entered Oliver’s Garden–A local gentleman’s club.  She realized something was off when she turned around to put her coat down and was greeted with a nipple to the face.  When asked what made her realize she was in the wrong place she said, “Well the nipple to the face and the smell of dirty underwear and aids.  Definitely the smell of aids made me realize I may not be in my beloved Olive Garden.”

Marilyn will continue her tour of New York this week and we can only hope she stays out of trouble.  We will follow her journey and let you know if she has any more mishaps.

Fargo School Board Anti-Bullying Policy

Fargo School Board To Implement New Anti-Bullying Policy

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Fargo, ND – Since 2002 the Fargo School Board has had an Anti-Bullying policy in place.  This policy consisted of rewarding bullies and punishing the victims.  It promoted such nonsense as “Walking or running away,” “Turning the other cheek,” and “Just lay there and let them beat you up.”  The school board has now changed it’s stance and will implement a new anti-bullying policy.

This new policy will implement a number of different things.  One is requiring students to attend classes such as “MAN THE FUCK UP” and “KICK FUCKING ASS.”  Another is allowing children as young as six to carry weapons such as grenades, machine guns, and anti-tank weapons.  Lastly, the school board will implement mixed martial arts cages in every school gym around the city.

The school board will likely move forward with this new policy in the next couple weeks.

Dilworth Fire Chief

Dilworth Fire Chief says, “I’m pretty sure it’s totaled.”

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Let me show you somethin!

Dilworth, MN – A home being constructed in northeast Dilworth caught on fire this morning.  Workers on site reported the fire and thankfully nobody was hurt.  “I’m pretty sure it’s totaled,” Dilworth fire chief said.

When asked to please elaborate more he said, “Well..fire hot.  Fire burn things.  You see that wall?  It’s burnt to shit.  You see that other wall?  It’s also burned to shit.  I’m no NASA engineer but my best guess would be that that house right there is probably burnt to shit.”  The blaze was initially called in as an electrical fire but it is still under investigation.

 

A man wearing a hat similar to the one below was seen around the neighborhood at the time of the fire.

Troy McKinley Williston Party Promoter Oil Patch

No Patch No Party

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“There will absolutely be no strippers here.”

Williston, ND – Truck driver turned self made pimp party promoter Troy McKinley has come under fire recently.  Troy McKinley has been promoting and even selling tickets to his Party In The Patch (partyinthepatch.com).  The problem: there is no patch or land to even throw the party on.  One would think to sell tickets or throw a party you would first have some place to actually go party at.  Troy commented, “The hell you talking about land?  To throw a party you don’t need to actually have a place to go.”

Troy McKinley has been advertising in the Chicago and Twin Cities areas in the hopes of bringing classy, church going, upper-class women with very high moral aptitude to the Party In The Patch.  “I can’t see any reason why any lady would not want to spend $20 bucks to travel to North Dakota and hang out with greasy oil workers” Troy commented.  What a winning situation for any good gal to be apart of.  His two sponsors “Taco in a Bag” and “Escorts For U” couldn’t be reached for comment.

Hector International Airport Remodeling

Remodeling Hector International Airport

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“I haven’t seen a plane in 4 years.”

Fargo, ND – Fargo North Dakota’s one and only Hector International Airport is undergoing a significant remodeling project.  The former Barnstormer Restaurant will now become “Skydine.”  As the population of Fargo continues to soar and more people traveling through Fargo, the restaurants seating for one will have to undergo a major upgrade.

The remodeling project will increase the restaurant dining experience from seating for one to seating for two.  This major upgrade will be able to accommodate the high number of international and domestic travelers that visit Fargo to experience its tropical weather, sandy ditches, and exotic sightseeing along gravel farm roads.

Alleged TouchTunes Terrorist Spreading Christmas Cheer Throughout the Land

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Coming to a jukebox near you: Crappy Happy music.

Fargo, ND – Modern technologies have afforded us many luxuries. In this day & age any knucklehead with a smartphone can hack into your favorite bar’s sound system. This hack has been figured out to be a smartphone TouchTunes “app” that enables anyone with a username to pump a few dollars into a jukebox and play total garbage ANONYMOUSLY.

An alleged TouchTunes Terrorist has been hacking or logging in to the phone app and playing shit music at local bars to the chagrin of many. He was last alleged playing Kenny Rodgers – “I’ll be Home For Christmas”, John Denver – “Sunshine On My Shoulder”, and Lamb of God – “Now You’ve Got Something to Die For” at many different rockin’ joints around town.

The perpetrator has been wreaking havoc at weekend hotspots for some time now without regard for human life. Will anyone be able to stop this terrorist? Will any of us be able to sleep at night knowing this jackass is wreaking total havoc on our music playlist?? Is nothing sacred anymore???

Instagram Sucks and So Do You

Instagram Sucks and So Do You

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Instagram Sucks and So Do YouWhat is Instagram you ask?  It is an Apple and Android application where over 15 million sheep users like to masturbate with each other over vintage pictures they take.  Instagram gives these hipsters users access to many different types of photo filters so any idiot can now look artsy.  What many of these filters actually do is degrade the picture to look like it’s from the 1950’s, 1960’s, or 1970’s.  You get the picture.  Essentially what these morons people are doing is continually slapping the shit out of and continually taking big large dirty dumps on the hundreds of engineers that dedicated their lives to improving this technology.

 

We have gone from this..

 

to this..

.

 

A god damn cellular phone that takes pictures!  A phone that takes professional quality pictures!

 

Instagram Hippster Trash Fuck YouNow check out this picture to the left.  Can you guess what camera this was taken from?   You guessed the old one?  NOPE!  It was taken from the small PHONE that takes PICTURES in the YEAR 2012!!  It’s amazing……..ly stupid of you to take a magnificent piece of technology, take a good quality picture with it, and then essentially destroy it and make it look like shit for the sake of being a shitty hipster.  You fail at life and you fail at taking pictures.

So just stop it.  How about you just use your phone for calling people and disable your camera.  You are not artsy.  You are not deep.  You look like someone with severe brain damage confused about what sock to put on which foot.  If you like old pictures so much how about you actually become useful and build a TIME MACHINE.  Then you can go back in time and use those shitty cameras to take your shitty pictures with.

Local Elderly Lady Informed That She Was Dead.

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Is that you grandma?

Studying zombie survival wasn’t so stupid after all.

Fargo, ND – Super Tuesday is supposed to be SUPER FUN.  Not for a local 84 year old elderly lady named Maureen.  She showed up to vote and was told she was dead.  “This is shocking news to me.  I didn’t think I was dead” she said.  This isn’t shocking news to us at the FM Observer.

Living old people and zombies have many similar characteristics.  For example, zombies bodies are no longer functioning.  This is similar to old people as we see them wearing adult diapers, bones breaking, etc etc.  Zombies cannot speak.  They emit moans and groans.  Again, another similar characteristic of a living old person.  What is concerning is that a zombie has become self aware and this raises questions as to the voting rights of zombies.  Maureen has now started a campaign across the country for equal rights which is gaining momentum.  She hopes to run for president some day as she feels she has similar qualities and experiences as past and present presidents.