Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

New Trans-Sexual Hair Salon Opens In Moorhead

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Flaire Dane is proud to be a trans-sexual.

Moorhead, MN – A brand new hair salon will soon be opening in Moorhead.

 And it’s name shall be Flaire.

It shall exclusively cater to trans–sexuals.

And it’s name shall be Flaire.

Owner, Flaire Dane, hopes to attract trans–sexuals from Madison to Miles City.

“I see Flaire as a wonderful place to connect with other beautiful trans–sexuals from around the region.” s/he says.

“And at the same time, have your hair trans–formed into a look that we shall create expecially for you, as a proud trans–sexual.”

Why Moorhead?

Flaire Dane says that Moorhead is perfect for Flaire because Moorhead is hip and quirky, just like your average trans–sexual.

What are other trans–sexuals saying about the arrival of Flaire?

Blanche Queensland said: “Because of Flaire, me and all my special trans–sexual friends will be heading to Moorhead just to hang out.”

S/he goes on: “Me see Moorhead as the Leith, ND for trans–sexuals.”

“Me see trans–sexuals from all over the country trans–porting themselves to Moorhead, and trans–forming this odd little community into the Trans–Sexual Capitol of America.”

And it’s name shall be Flaire.

Santa’s Warning Letter To Naughty Children

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Don't piss me off or you ain't getting a damn thing!

Don’t piss me off or you ain’t getting a damn thing!

The North Pole – Fargo was recently in the national news for a lady’s obesity letter being given out to fat trick-or-treaters. Now, children in the greater Fargo-Moorhead area are being targeted once again.

Santa Claus and his wife will soon be sending out warning letters to any kids who have become too materialistic.

Santa used to only need one toy per child for Christmas. That number has climbed to ten or more in recent years, making Santa and his team quite pissed off.

The FM Observer somehow got to preview one of these warning letters from Santa:

 

Dear ______:

Hello from the real Santa!

Mrs. Claus and I have noticed that in the last few years, you have become way too focused on getting lots of fancy toys for Christmas. Instead of celebrating the birth of the Baby Jesus, you only care about getting more crap than you did last year, and more than all your friends. If you don’t quickly start showing a big change of attitude in the next few weeks, you might just get a big donut for Christmas (as in, what’s one minus one?).

You better start showing some more respect to your parent(s) and teachers, and begin caring a little more about others, instead of thinking that you’re the boss. Continuing down the path of materialism will only lead to having misplaced values, becoming a hoarder of junk, and massive credit card debt which will crush you into bankruptcy.

It is up to you if I say Ho-Ho-Ho at your house this year, or if I have to say No-No-No!

In summary, get your fricking act together soon or you can expect less than nothing for Christmas. In fact, I might even sneak into your room and take back some of the presents I brought you last year.

Sincerely,
Angry Santa

Flamingo Union To Go On Strike

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Angry flamingos to go on strike

Angry flamingos go on strike

Flamingo Road, FL – Angered by the recent government shut-down’s effect on business at FlamingoLand, and the fact that Obamacare is only for humans and not for birds, hundreds of pink flamingos are threatening to go on strike.

One of our more avian FM Observers reported that: “Hundreds of these gorgeous birds are flaming mad and are seriously threatening to get the flock out of here. I haven’t seen anything like this since that massive cat fight at a Fargo strip club, that nobody ever goes to, but whose parking lot is always full.”

Apparently some folks driving by the flock are being flipped the bird, as a sign that these flamingos mean business and want to talk some turkey.

Grebance counselors are being bussed in from neighboring ponds in a last-bitch effort to curtail the strike. If the Flamingo Union’s demands are not met, they might file a formal grebance (the common legal course of action by birds in the Grebe Family).

Even though flamingos are usually non-migratory creatures, they are still threatening to fly the coop and take their colorful culture to pinker pastures, where being disrespected is the exception and not the norm.

Government Healthcare Bullies Americans Into Giant SNAFU

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The new face of healthcare.

The new face of healthcare.

Warshington, DC – As the tentacles of Obamacare grow deeper into what’s left of the American Dream, citizens are being coerced into compliance with a most unpopular law.

President Obama initially blamed the Obamacare website glitches on exceptionally high interest in the newly overhauled health insurance marketplace.

Apparently all the problems being encountered at www.Healthcare.gov are because of an unanticipated surge of web traffic from a high demand by people seeking to buy coverage under the new law.

Some may have forgotten that the high level of interest in Obamacare might, instead, be due to the fact that Americans are being mandated to buy government health insurance under the threat of serious fines, tax penalties, and imprisonment.

Being forced into buying something while being threatened is quite different than deciding on your own to make a purchase of your own free will.

Not surprisingly, the day after all the website problems were blamed on high volumes of interest in Obamacare, the government admitted that the problems may have been due to faulty website design and software problems.

Instead of exceptionally high levels of interest being the culprit, it was determined that the www.Healthcare.gov website is troubled by sloppy software problems and flaws in the basic architectural design of the system.

In the name of transparency, the Obamadministration has declined to say the total number of enrollees in the new Obamacare system.

To help test the new website, please go to www.Healthcare.gov often and leave it up on all of your browsers for long periods of time, so they can see if their website server capacity is adequate to handle all the “interest” in getting signed up for government-run healthcare.

Jodie Foster Admits To Being Part Alien

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Foster admits to being part alien

Jodie Foster is part alien

Hollywood, CA – Blond bombshell and award winning actress Jodie Foster has dropped a huge bomb on the Hollywood community.

Ms. Foster recently tweeted that she is now openly admitting that she is “part alien”.

Ever since her starring role in the movie “Contact”, some close friends have suspected something unusual about their “friend”.

The fact that she never ate in public, and all those intermittent strange noises emanating from her forehead were among early clues, they say.

Now that Ms. Foster has come out of the closet, she might actually help others do the same.

She went on to tweet: “Now that I am sharing my secret, perhaps others who are part or even full alien will feel comfortable also coming out and letting the world know who they really are.”

Jay Leno’s reaction to this revelation was: “So it turns out there’s life on other planets. Boy, this is really going to change the Miss Universe contest!”

A spokesalien for Jodi Foster said: “Ms. Foster has always believed that the world is what we make of it. Perhaps we’ll see the day when aliens get treated like normal citizens. Perhaps alien races will be able to enjoy all the benefits and entitlements of being an American, such as free healthcare, and the right to vote without showing any photo identification.”

Local Cemeteries To Double As Paintball Parks

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Graveyards make great paintball funparks

Graveyards make great funparks

Fargo, ND – Authorities have decided to allow all local cemeteries to be used as paintball game areas. Although some citizens voiced very strong opposition to this move, the vote was unanimous to allow graveyard owners to make extra money by opening them up as paintball parks.

Other regions of the country have toyed with the idea, but the greater Fargo-Moorhead area will be the first to not only allow it, but actually encourage it.

Gene Maxling, who voted for it after he previously had voted against it, explains: “We think paintball enthusiasts from all over the nation will flock to Fargo to use our cemeteries as the ultimate paintball playgrounds.”

Connie Livingstone, who works as a city planner, says that everyone agrees that “cemeteries serve a singular function by providing a home for the dead, but these valuable acres really don’t see much action. By allowing paintball in cemeteries, it will give these wonderful areas a dual purpose.”

The president of the United States Paintball Association is ecstatic about Fargo’s recent decision. Toby Redding wrote on his blog: “We are very stoked that Fargo is opening up its graveyards to our increasingly popular sport. Having all those large headstones to hide behind will be super awesome. Once someone shoots you with a paintball, it will give new meaning to the phrase ‘You’re dead!'”

Local Artist Unveils New Masterpiece

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Masterpiece to retrieve megabucks at auction

Masterpiece by Amsterdam Douglass to reap megabucks when sold at auction.

Fargo, ND – Super Artist and Renaissance Man Amsterdam Douglass unveiled his latest masterpiece to a small group of lucky friends the other night. Amsterdam Douglass calls the work: Slice Of Life. He also indicated that some of the cash gained from its sale might be given to the Slice Of Life Foundation, which essentially is a slush fund for hungry and motivated artists to eat, sleep, and paint, on a ranch for hungry artists. Volunteers will be needed at the ranch to serve coffee and cookies. If you have a special cookie recipe, please send it on a postcard to Ms. Honey McLove, here at the home office. Please include a note about yourself and your ancestry. Jean-Pierre Sloan believes that Amsterdam Douglass is perhaps the “premiere” talent today who crosses all borders of interest, gender, and style. Bi-weekly meetings are to be held in your neighborhood for family members to share a pot-luck dish of your own creation. A “Going Green” Hoedown will bring the community together just like the old days, starting with a Meet & Greet and the filling out of name tags. Amsterdam Douglass is also signing people up for a new neighborhood newsletter which will share ideas for ways to improve our existing social infrastructure. If you would like to be interviewed for the newsletter, again, contact Ms. Honey McLove and please don’t forget to indicate which department you want. Finally, we will end with a quotation from Amsterdam Douglass himself. “Between you and me and all the rest of the freaks, tomorrow cannot be as bad as today might have been.” Don’t forget to send in your postcard(s). Also remember that some of the proceeds of the art auction could possibly go to a “good cause”.

How To Get Rid Of Man Boobs

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Special push-ups to prevent or get rid of man boobs

Special push-ups to prevent or get rid of man boobs

La Push, Washington – For any man with man boobs, a new exercise has been specifically developed just for you.

As you may have seen, man boobs is a growing problem usually among middle-aged men. It affects everyone from some top pro golfers to the person possibly sitting next to you.

Luckily, some body physiology research scientists have come up with a new exercise just for you. It is called the Reptile Push-Up.

To perform the Reptile Push-Up, simply follow these easy directions:

In a standard push-up position, raise your right knee up until it touches your right elbow. In this position, bend your arms to a 90-degree angle and then straighten your arms out again. Straighten out your right leg back to the normal push-up position. This counts as one push-up.

Next, raise your left knee up until it touches your left elbow. In this position, bend your arms to a 90-degree angle and then straighten them out again. Straighten out your left leg back to the normal push-up position. This would be push-up number two.

By lifting a leg like a dog before performing a push-up, you shift more weight onto each arm in each repetition, which helps to build chest muscle more quickly and get rid of those man boobs.

After consulting with a doctor, work yourself up to 100 reptile push-ups in the morning right when you get out of bed and then do another 100 in the evening, probably just before supper.

We would love to hear about your success story if this post helps you get rid of your man boobs.

Time To Vote For the Worst In The FM Area

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The worst of Fargo-Moorhead

The worst of Fargo-Moorhead

Fargo, ND – It is time once again to vote for the worst places in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

Our annual compilation of all the places you hate the most is about to begin.

Of course, we need your help in the form of votes.

There are many different categories to be decided, but remember that this is for the places that you think are the worst in each category.

 

 

 

 

Here are the categories for this year’s worst:

[form form-1]

 

Winners will be announced sometime in the distant future.

FMO Interviews The Queen Of England

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The Queen sits with us for an interview.

The Queen sits with us for an interview.

London, England – Who says persistence doesn’t pay off? After many repeated requests for an exclusive interview with the Royal Queen of England, she finally graciously agreed to grant us permission to ask her a few questions. Enjoy!

FM Observer: You’re known to many as Queen Elizabeth II. What is your actual full name?
Her Majesty: My real name is Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Windsor.

FM Observer: Is that the name on your passport?
Her Majesty: Actually, I don’t have a passport.

FM Observer: Do you have any favorite nicknames?
Her Majesty: Oh, probably Lillibet, which is short for Elizabeth.

FM Observer: May we call you Lillibet?
Her Majesty: No, you may not.

FM Observer: What about this one: When is your birthday?
Her Majesty: I have two birthdays. April 21, 1926 is my actual birthday, however it is celebrated on the second Saturday in June. This is called the Trooping of the Colours.

FM Observer: Well, that certainly makes a lot of sense. We’ve heard that you can order a dark beer in eleven languages. Just for fun, how would you say it in…French?
Her Majesty: Je voudrais un biere brune, s’il vous plait.

FM Observer: Very impressive. So, do you actually want a beer?
Her Majesty: No, of course not.

FM Observer: They describe you as a constitutional monarch. Is that some sort of butterfly?
Her Majesty: Are you serious? Is this interview almost over?

FM Observer: Hey, I’m asking the questions here. Who was your Daddy and what did he Do?
Her Majesty: His name was King George VI and he was the King of England. I have been Queen since February 6, 1952, ever since he died.

FM Observer: What is your husband’s full name?
Her Majesty: That would be Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh.

FM Observer: Is it true that both you and your husband, Prince Philip are great great grandchildren of Queen Victoria?
Her Majesty: Yes, that is true. Why do you ask?

FM Observer: So, would it not also be true that both of you share Queen Victoria as your great great grandmother?
Her Majesty: Yes, that is also true. Where are we going with this?

FM Observer: Well, then, since you are a direct descendant of Queen Victoria’s oldest son King Edward VII, and since your husband, The Duke of Edinburgh is a direct descendant of Queen Victoria’s third child Princess Alice, then would not that mean that you married your third cousin?!
Her Majesty: What?! Was this whole interview a set up so you could accuse me of an incestuous marriage?

FM Observer: OK, since we seem to have hit a sensitive hot button issue, let’s wrap it up with one final topic. You seem to like dogs. More specifically, the Corgi breed. What are the names of some of your favorite Corgis?
Her Majesty: Gloin, Gizzard, and Puke.

FM Observer: How did you come up with those names?
Her Majesty: From trying to describe my feelings after doing interviews like this one. Good Day!