Tag Archives: headlines

Mitt Romney Doing “Just Fine” After Losing Election

Mitt-Romney-Political-Cyborg2San Diego, CA – The 2012 Presidential election lived up to the hype as one of the more polarizing elections in political history. The ups and downs of debating, campaigning, gaffing, 47%-ing, and polling helped create some of the most entertaining democracy of all time. Business as usual will continue for President Obama, but the Observer was left to wonder how Mitt Romney is coping after the election.

 

The Observer caught up with the former Republican nominee at his home in San Diego for a little one-on-one…

FM Observer: Hello, Governor Romney. Thanks for taking the time to sit down with me.

Mitt Romney: Oh, ha ha. You’re welcome. You can call me Mittledon.

FMO: Mittledon?

MR: Yes, Mittledon. It is my given name.

FMO: Ok…Mittledon… Thank you for having me. Now that the campaigning and election hoopla is over, how are you and the Mrs. spending your time these days?

MR: Ann and I are fine. We have been fine and will be. Ann enjoys to snippet pictures of reasonably-priced goods from newspaper mailings. I have taken up the hobby of the reading of web publications.

FMO: So, Ann clips coupons and you are an internet addict? Is that accurate?

MR: Yes, completely.

FMO: Hm. Lovely. Is this retirement? Are you effectively retired from your work as a politician?

MR: Ha ha, not entirely! I will still consult for the office of Massachusetts Governor as a private consultant. Ann with her charitable work. I also spend time with my many children, Tagg, Batt, Rigg, Mock, and Fudd.

FMO: Are your children getting into politics?

MR: They are not.

FMO: (confused)…uh…ok. So, tell me, your work as a private investor has proven to be a very successful venture. Do you have any advice for young people who want to get into investing?

MR: Certainly. I would tell them to make smart decisions for the good of the company you are investing for. Money is a tool, and a very valuable one. The more tools a company has, the more prepared it is to function in an American society. Get your tools, polish them, center them and use them to help the business. Would you like to see my tool collection?

FMO: Yes.

MR: (Mittledon leads me into his master bedroom. In it, I am shown a king-sized bed constructed out of laminated $100 bills. It is magnificent.) This is how Ann and I keep our bed at night.

FMO: Jesus…it’s…breathtaking.

MR: I know, it is. I have one just like it back home in Boston. The mattress is stuffed with a mixture of shredded $100 bills and Orca whale blubber. The softest, richest mattress the planet has ever known.

FMO: This is just fantastic. You’ve done very well for yourself, Mittledon.

MR: Ann and I thank you for saying so. (We leave the bedroom)

FMO: So what’s next for Mitt Romney? Do you have a 5-year plan in mind?

MR: Ann and I will take our time deciding. I suspect I will be called upon to assist with various aspects of political prowess for the Republican party. If so, that is fine. If not, there may certainly come a time in which I will be asked to donate my body to science. Would you like to ask a follow-up question to that statement?

FMO: (confused again) Um…sure. (long pause)…Why would you consider donating your body to science, Mittledon?

MR: I am comprised of a fusion of mechanic microorganisms and people flesh. There was an experiment done many years ago, well ahead of its time. I am the result of that experiment. Ha ha, but the details of that experiment are for another time. Ann and I thank you, you should go now.

FMO: (I lock eyes with Mittledon. I notice a very rapid quivering of his pupils.) Ok, Mr. Romney I thank you for the opportunity! 

MR: You. Are welcome.

Instagram Changes Terms Of Service

Instagram Changes Terms Of Service. Users Threaten To Stop Taking Shitty Pictures.

Instagram Changes Terms Of ServiceFargo, ND – On Monday, Instagram, the popular photo app and website, updated its terms of service.  This left its large user base unhappy and threatening to stop taking shitty pictures and leaving the app and website all together.

Instagram stated:

Some or all of the Service may be supported by advertising revenue. To help us deliver interesting paid or sponsored content or promotions, you agree that a business or other entity may pay us to display your username, likeness, photos (along with any associated metadata), and/or actions you take, in connection with paid or sponsored content or promotions, without any compensation to you. If you are under the age of eighteen (18), or under any other applicable age of majority, you represent that at least one of your parents or legal guardians has also agreed to this provision (and the use of your name, likeness, username, and/or photos (along with any associated metadata)) on your behalf.

You acknowledge that we may not always identify paid services, sponsored content, or commercial communications as such.

 

Basically, Instagram wants to sell your shitty pictures to companies that may want to use them.

This didn’t sit well with it’s users.  They took to facebook and twitter, as well as collectively voiced their disdane on every blog they could find.  Some actually deleted their accounts.  But get this, some actually put down their phone and bathed, ate, and called their significant other to try and savor whatever relationship they had left.

You see, instagramers are always instagramming.  There is no time for anything else.  One instagrammer stated, “It’s like a drug.  Everything I see I feel the NEED to take a picture of it and totally destroy it with instagram.  Like yesterday, I took a dump, and totally had to take a picture of it.  I turned shit into worse shit.  You see?”

Instagram was just testing the waters.  They wanted to see how much they could get away with and seemed to have crossed the line a tish too much.  Today they came out with a reply:

The language we proposed also raised question about whether your photos can be part of an advertisement. We do not have plans for anything like this and because of that we’re going to remove the language that raised the question. Our main goal is to avoid things likes advertising banners you see in other apps that would hurt the Instagram user experience. Instead, we want to create meaningful ways to help you discover new and interesting accounts and content while building a self-sustaining business at the same time.

Basically they said, “LOL…JUST KIDDING!! HA HA!”

Wait until Instragram finds a better lawyer with a better use of words.  This way instagrammers will still be clueless and can continue on taking pictures of banana peels, socks, carpet, and basically everything else.

Restaurant review: McDonald’s never fails (to disappoint)

ronald_mcdonald_jumping1-1Fargo, ND – It all starts as soon as you wake up in the morning. You’ve overslept. You’re running late to work. Now, in order to fill your daily “quota” or keep on task at the office, you have to cut corners. You are forced to shorten your lunch hour. One minute, you have plans to meet a friend at a respectable establishment like Toscana. The next minute, you have to cancel and hit up the McDonald’s drive-thru because you’re pressed for time.

Couldn’t be a worse lunchtime scenario. Gag. Driven by the need for convenience, I begrudgingly head out to my car at 12:35 (a little over a half hour into my lunch hour) and speed off to the nearest McDonald’s. During the entire 1-minute drive my mind is racing frantically, trying to figure out how I got here. How I found myself in this miserable situation.

“Where did I go wrong?? Lack of preparation? Irresponsibility? So much could have been done to prevent this from happening.”

By the time I end up in the drive-thru lane, my mind is in such a state of turmoil that i’m no longer hungry. Frankly, i’m sick to my stomach with disgust. The good news: only 3 cars in front of me, so this should go quick. The bad news: only 3 cars in front of me, so it’s decision-making time. These lines move fast. The last time I was at a McDonald’s there were still leaves on the trees, making the impromptu drive-thru decision that much more difficult.

What’s this? They’ve revamped the dollar menu yet again?? The usual suspects are there (Big Mac, Quarter-Pounder), but my appetite is not. In the back of my head i’ve already predicted the outcome:

“Gotta make this simple. For Christ’s sake, be smart. Don’t over-analyze this. Two double-cheeseburgers and you are outta here.”

By the time i’m at the drive-thru speaker, my heart rate is jacked. I’m sweating. The last thing on my mind at this point is eating McDonald’s fast food, but again, i’m left with no choice. I blurt out my order, pay, and proceed to find my parking spot. I will sit there, alone in my car with tears running down my face, choking back a who-knows-what burger and swallowing my pride in the process.

McDonald’s – ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

Morgan Freeman dies, makes statement about Newtown shooting

Not dead

Not dead

Los Angeles, CA – Morgan Freeman has been a busy man lately. In between dying multiple times in the past year on Twitter (only to come back to life again and again) and being most certainly, 100% dead on Facebookthe famed movie actor with the golden voice has lent his vocal talents and genuine opinion to us via a shared internet post.  A long-winded, blameful statement from Internet Morgan Freeman about the unfortunate event in Newtown, Connecticut went viral over the weekend:

 

“You want to know why. This may sound cynical, but here’s why.

It’s because of the way the media reports it. Flip on the news and watch how we treat the Batman theater shooter and the Oregon mall shooter like celebrities. Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris are household names, but do you know the name of a single victim of Columbine?[…]”

 

The purported ‘statement’ continues on as a media-bashing diatribe of epic proportions. Why on Earth the real Morgan Freeman would take to Facebook to make his opinion on this matter known is beyond me. As a matter of fact, it isn’t true. Freeman’s publicist has since contradicted this ‘statement’ with a statement of his own, calling the Facebook blabber a complete fabrication.

It just goes to show you, not everything you read on the internet should be believed. Except the stuff you read on the FM Observer. We would never lie to you. Never! (winky face)

Vikings bench Ponder, replace him with broomstick

4853845532_747e8c0c83_bMinneapolis, MN – There is much rejoicing to be done today as the Minnesota Vikings coaching staff has finally pulled the plug on the Ponder experiment. Head Coach Leslie Frazier:

“Ponder was a guy who we thought could fill the role of ‘game manager’ quite nicely. A guy who could hand the ball off on 1st and 2nd down and if we needed a small handful of yards to convert 3rd down, he could throw a quick out to the tight end. However, we’re not converting 3rd downs and Ponder has thrown for fewer yards than Adrian Peterson has run for in three of our past five games. Enough is enough.”

Coach went on to say that Ponder is “just getting in the way” and that a broomstick would serve as a “sufficient decoy”. The Vikings plan to prop up their decoy against the center, helmet dangling from the broom bristles as the center snaps the ball directly to Adrian Peterson.

Too little too late? This benching comes with only 3 games left to play in the regular season. The Vikings need to basically run the table and get help from other teams in order to make the playoffs. Starting quarterback Broom Stick will wear jersey # 13. Look for him(?) behind center this Sunday against St. Louis.

Death Metal Band Name Ideas

Death Metal Band Name Ideas

Death Metal Band Name Ideas

In an effort to help out any new death metal bands around the area struggling to think of a name for their band, I’ve included some death metal band names you may use below.

Please give fmobserver.com credit if you end up using one of them.  These names will surely please everyone.  If any of these don’t help you out, stay tuned for part 2 of this list coming soon.

 

Dragon Testicle Death Punch
Bloody Intestine Hangers
Ass Hair Death Fire
Cunt Cutters
Necrophilia Anal Puke
Fatal Decay Skull Death Piss Fart
Eye Dagger Blood Spit
Colon Fire Of Death
Morbid Fetus Disfiguring
Decapitated Diarrhea
Scorn Flesh Droppings
Bullet Burial
Hooker Hunter
Gypsy Ballsack Impalers
Bloody Giraffe Polar Bear Kicker
Chainaxe Saw Blow Murder Blood Puddle

….and last but not least

Puke Pissing Digested Anal Neck Eye Socket Infected Poop Stool Dumper

Christmas Ballsack Ornament

London – A London ad agency and orchid, a testicular cancer organization, have teamed up to to offer “Bauballs.”

bauballs

You may check out their website here.

Decorate your tree with some festive bravado and help a good cause by grabbing or sharing some Bauballs. We’ve teamed up with Orchid to create some Christmas tree ornaments that raise money and awareness of testicular cancer.

 

STEP-3 STEP-1 STEP-2

 

The product images above speak for themselves.  How could you say no to these?  Unfortunately these balls only come in the color red and not blue.

Pimp Academy opening in downtown Fargo

Fargo, ND – A young, flashy entrepreneur is bringing his tacky-yet-unapologetic business local. Ricky Duffman, CFO of Vandelay Industries, (the developer of a very lucrative smartphone app) has taken to the streets of lonely old Fargo to chase his ultimate dream. What is his ultimate dream, you ask? The proliferation of Pimp Nation. Duffman is getting the paperwork together to open Fargo’s first and only Pimp Academy.

Bishop Duff’s Academy of Pimp, or B-DAP as it shall be known henceforth, will be a come-one-come-all school of Pimpology. According to Duffman, B-DAP will provide a series of learning seminars geared to educate eager, young, inexperienced pimps. It will not only be aimed at street pimps, but pimps of a different nature. Mr. Duffman breaks it down:

“I’m gonna be educatin’ peeps young and old on how to best pimp. Don’t matter if you wanna pimp hoes, your friends, or your job and whatnot. Pimps wear many different hats. Bill Gates? He’s a pimp. Bishop Don Magic Juan? Also a pimp. Hillary Clinton? Huge pimp. See, pimpin’ ain’t only about hoes anymore. Pimpin’ is all around us.”

Duffman is all set to move in to the vacant suite across from the Subway in downtown Fargo. The Observer would like to wish Duffman best of luck with his new business and the proliferation of Pimp Nation.

UFC match delayed due to limb entanglement

Seattle, WA – An Ultimate Fighting Championship battle between Mike Swick and Matt Brown suffered a slight delay last night due to limb entanglement. Swick and Brown became engaged in a floor grapple in which both competitors attempted to lock in a submission move at the same time. Somehow, the limbs of both fighters got locked together in such a way that they became tied up in a knot. LOL!

Groans were heard from the crowd as referee Dan Miragliotta called a temporary stop to the fight. Trainers were brought in to assist, but were unable to budge the appendages of either contestant until dousing them in lubricant.

After squirting baby oil all over both men, the trainers were finally able to dislodge Brown’s foot from Swick’s armpit and Swick’s arm from Brown’s legpit after Brown’s leg was unwrapped from Swick’s neck and Swick’s arm was slid out from under Brown’s knee.

The fight resulted in a victory for Brown only after the two fighters were surgically separated.

Driving Dog Gets First Canine Speeding Ticket

Auckland, New Zealand – Monty, the now famous car-driving schnauzer, has netted his first official moving violation since picking up a doggy driver’s license. Monty was popped going 35 in a 25 KM/hour zone just yesterday. The officer involved stated that Monty appeared to be “joyriding” at the time:

“I asked the dog how fast he thought he was going. He just sat there with his tongue dangling, drooling at me, like he didn’t care he was guilty. I then asked him where he was from. He said ‘woof’, like i’m supposed to know where that is?! Let’s just say he didn’t do a great job of talking himself out of a speeding ticket.”

This marks the first time in history that a dog was cited for speeding. The Observer is happy to report that animals are evolving at an exciting rate of speed. Next up on the agenda: teaching my Great Dane how to operate a snowblower!