Tag Archives: headlines

Thousands of NDSU Fans Lost In Frisco Texas

Fargo, ND – On the horizon lays North Dakota State’s attempt at an FCS championship three-peat.

Thousands of Bison fans have flocked to Frisco Texas the past few days via trains, plains, automobiles, boats, snowmobiles, 4 wheelers, bus, and fighter jets. But, there is one thing someone forgot to bring: directions.

All bison fans who have already arrived have been roaming the streets of Frisco, Texas completely lost and confused.

Our reporter on scene stated, “The streets of Frisco are complete madness right now! People covered in Bison gear head-to-toe are wandering and stumbling around the entire town. They appear to be drunk and asking anyone they can where the game is. Some have been seen running with their shirts off yelling that it’s so hot out.”

Apparently nobody remembered to bring directions and they are too drunk by this point to either look them up on their phone or find a computer.

Our reporter reached an NDSU fan for comment, “Ohh oh yeah! Bissson baby! Hey, yeah hey you, you know where, where the game is even at? Because I, I don’t, don’t know. Would you like a beer?” He then continued to stumble around looking for the “stadium.”

Our reporter did indeed give a couple sober fans directions so you can rest assured the stadium will be filled with green and gold tomorrow.

So, when you’re watching the game tomorrow, thank the FM Observer for getting all our fans there.

Young Local Chess Master Has Big Plans

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Check-mate!

Fargo, ND – A young local chess prodigy wants all home-schooled children to form teams. Cooper Sterling has been a chess master since age six. He claims that being home-schooled really allowed him to excel in areas of personal interest to him. His parents found out early on that chess was a talent he was born with when he embarrassed a traveling chess grandmaster at the young age of four.

“One drawback to being home schooled, however, is you don’t get to be on any teams”, Cooper said. He would like to start out by forming a local chess team of other home-schooled children. “From there, the sky’s the limit”, he added, with a smile.

Cooper eventually would like to form home-schooled teams to compete with local schools in debate, ping-pong, and even some track & field events. As for Cooper, he also has some personal goals set for his next few years. They include: marketing his own line of Think & Thrive board-games, and designing and building his own underground home.

Terrible Song Lyrics of The Week – Flo Rida (I Cry) – 01/06/2013

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This isn’t the first time I’ve read some song lyrics and it left me completely speechless, confused, and scared at the same time.

This weeks Terrible Song Lyrics of The Week are from the Artist named Flo Rida (because he rides flows?) from the song I Cry (We all do flo. We all do.) The track was first released on September 18, 2012 as the fourth single from his fourth studio album, Wild Ones.

Ok, let’s get started. But, there’s a problem. I don’t know where to start. I’ve read the lyrics from I Cry and it made ME cry because it was so TERRIBLE and CONFUSING. See below.

I know you wanna get behind the wheel Only 1 Rida
Eyes shut still got me swimming like a diver
Can’t let go I got fans in Okinawa
My heart to japan quake losers and surviours
Norway no you didn’t get my flowers
No way to sound better but the killer was a Coward
Face just showers, the minute in a hour
Heard about the news all day went sour
Lil mama got me feeling like a limit here
Put you in the box just the presidents cigarettes
Give em my regards or regardless I get arrested
Ain’t worried about the killers just the young & restless
Get mad coz the quarter million on my necklace
DUI never said I was driving reckless
You & I or jealously was not oppressive
Oh no I can’t stop I was Destined

You know those people who have legit and severe Attention Deficit Disorder? Where a conversation goes like this:

ADD Person: Hey. What’s up? You see Adrian Peterson run over everyone last week? It was awesome.
Me: Yea. He ran like a….
ADD Person: Uh Huh. Yea. Man the government spends too much. Don’t ya think?
Me: Well they certainly….
ADD Person: I have to poop.
Me: You have to what?
ADD Person: Was that a bird or a bat outside? Is it raining? Damn, I have to go grocery shopping today.

Well, that is basically Flo Rida. A terrible singer and songwriter with severe attention deficit disorder.

Can anyone read those lyrics and figure out W….T…..F Mr. Flo Rida is talking about? Because I can’t. He’s all over the board. One sentence he says, “Norway no you didn’t get my flowers” and in the very next he says, “No way to sound better but the killer was a Coward.” I can’t even make fun of it because it makes absolutely zero sense and I’m so confused. After reading those lyrics I’m pretty sure you or your worthless writer just looked in the dictionary, closed your eyes, and randomly pointed at words then put them together to try and form a sentence.

Mr. Flo Rida, your lyrics are definitely terrible.

Official FM Observer Pimp Cup

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Ladies and gentlemen, lay your eyes on the official FM Observer Pimp Cup. It’s a cup. It’s a shaker. It’s even a flashlight. If you run out of bullets, use the ones that are fashioned around the base of the pimp cup. This is the beginning and the end. The alpha and the omega. It’s everything everyone has ever warned you about.

Death Metal Band Name Ideas #2

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My first post of death metal band name ideas was so helpful, I’m providing my services yet again. Below is post #2 of death metal band name ideas. Again, please thank Bill Burns or the FM Observer if you use any of the ideas below for your band. Any of these names are sure to get your band started off the right foot and kicking ass all over the planet.

Unicorn Dicks of Death
Ass Fisters of Furry
Fatal Rotting Diseased Grandmas
Chronic Vommit
Robot Abortion
Revolting Baby Dismemberment
Cadaver Fuckers
Fat Roll Slammers W/Piss Farts
Death Devourment
Ball Sack Explosion
Chemical Plague
Lethal Snot Bomb
Pit Spike
Ginger Goats of Masturbation
Poo Stew
Diseased Breast Implants
Cock Grinder
Elephant Rapers
Cyclops Hookers
Bucket of Evil Tits
Stool Soup
Toilet of Acid
Coffin Robber Pimps

and last but not least…..

The Fart Fuckers On Acid Mountain of Morbid Carcass Masturbation Chevy Truck Bed Skunk Piss Barbie

Man Proposes To Girlfriend at The Northern. Proceed To Eat Dinner By Ordering Some Fried Chicken.

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Fargo, ND – The magic of love and commitment can be had anywhere. That anywhere happened to be the Northern Gentlemen’s club located in Fargo, North Dakota this past Thursday.

Amongst the smell of fish, piss, perfume, and sweat, love is in the air. Disco Dan, as he’s known on the street, finally manned up and proposed to his dancer girlfriend of 2 long weeks. Disco Dan didn’t plan it. In fact it was a spur of moment idea.

Dan was on a date with his girlfriend at the Northern, enjoying a few beers. In fact his girlfriend is a frequent and regular dancer here. After seeing his girlfriend slide up and down the grease pole, shaking her booty, he started to get an idea. But it was only after seeing a five dollar bill sticking inbetween her asshole and a thin piece of string called a thong that the idea of marriage seemed like a good idea.

Dan then got up from his sticky bar seat, reached into his coat pocket, and pulled out a ring he had been carrying with him since he won it at the local Walmart vending machine. He took the ring out of its protective plastic bubble, put it on his girlfriends hand while she was motor boating a local patron and asked the magic words, “Will you marry me?”

After putting her ass cheeks into the face of the man giving her money, she said, “YES!”

When Dan’s future wife was done dancing, the two proceeded to celebrate their new engagement by ordering fried chicken for dinner. A wedding date has yet to be scheduled.

NFL players breathe sigh of relief after not making Pro Bowl

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Coaches stand on the field DURING THE GAME for christ's sake

Coaches stand on the field DURING THE GAME for pete’s sake

New York, NY – The National Football League Pro Bowl roster was announced recently, and much to the relief of many players around the league, they were not included. The Pro Bowl has become an inconvenience of sorts for NFL players. Especially the ones who don’t make the playoffs and would rather move on with their lives than lace ’em up for one more completely meaningless game.

Players are over the Pro Bowl. All it really means anymore is a free trip to Hawaii and a small monetary bonus. Take it from one of the league’s top defensive players, Seattle Seahawks CB Richard Sherman. Sherman was asked by the Associated Press what his thoughts were after being left off the Pro Bowl roster:

“It don’t mean nothing. I bet you I’ll be on the first-team All-Pro. That means more to me.”

For a rookie or a player relatively new to the league, it might be a big deal. But to the seasoned veteran who flies to Hawaii year after year, it’s gotten to be pretty mundane. Players show up, goof around and don’t really compete due to the threat of injury. Hell, both they and the fans have more fun in the skills competition than the actual game.

That being said, congratulations are still in order for Adrian Peterson and Peyton Manning for making the Pro Bowl roster. They fought off career-threatening injuries only to come back and rip apart NFL defenses. For the rest of you: suck it up and go to Hawaii or we’ll vote you into the 2013 NFL Diva Squad.

Crappy Christmas gift return lines already forming outside Wal Mart

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Fargo, ND – Not even a handful of hours after Aunt Edna gave you that putrid, two-sizes-too-small sweater for Christmas, you are ready to return it for cash. Why didn’t you just take that money right out of Edna’s purse, you scrooge!? Ugly socks, pajama pants, Crocs, Just For Men, that movie you’ve already seen a million times and many other unwanted gifts are in hand as thousands of patrons gather at the doors of Wally World eager to trade in their crap for money.

Long lines have begun to form outside of your neighborhood Wal Mart, as is holiday shopping tradition. We interviewed a small number of disgruntled gift recipients to get their thoughts:

Emily, 16-
“I am NOT a size 4. I am EASILY a size 3, or a 2 on a good day. I can’t wear this!”

Ron, 46-
“Apparently the wife thinks my hair is greying or whatever. That’s bull. I have a perfectly natural look going.”

Adam, 33-
“This jacket won’t get me laid. It looks like something a street urchin would wear.”

These degenerates didn’t waste any time. They bolted straight for Wal Mart so they could be the first ones through the door on “Returns Wednesday”. The Observer can only hope they don’t get caught up in a money-hungry Black Friday-esque stampede that we Americans are notorious for.

For the rest of you, we wish you Happy Holidays! Pretend to enjoy your shitty gift!