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No I’m Not Coming To Your Herbalife Party

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Fargo, ND –  You’ve probably heard of this company called Herbalife before.  Either through your friends or your friends’ friends, and not by choice.  Herbalife is a multi-level marketing company and pyramid scheme.  They sell average, overpriced, nutrition/weight management/skin-care products.

How does it work?  To become a cult member you will need to first murder and sacrifice 10 people.  Just kidding!  You need to sign up under a sponsor.  Kind of the same thing.  If you’ve been graced with common sense, like myself, this is the first of many where your bullshit meter will go off.  A sponsor is someone who has already been accepted into the cult and will do whatever it takes to annoy the shit out of you until you yourself become a herbalife member under them and only under them.  The more members they have under themselves the more money they make.  Classic MLM bullshit.  If you don’t want to become a distributor, then they will spew copious amounts of bullshit out of their mouth as to why you should buy their shitty overpriced products.  This is high comedy.  They like to pass themselves off as nutritionists or experts on nutrition.  This is just great entertainment for the whole family so be sure to seem very interested when these rocks-for-brains start acting like they actually know what the hell they are talking about.

They try and sell you a dream, a lifestyle.  More classic MLM and Pyramid scheme bullshit.  What they will tell you is that you can make shit loads of money.  “If you sign up under me and buy more shit, you’ll be able to buy yourself a yacht filled with pet dinosaurs in no time!  It’s that great!”  Sorry numbnuts.  Come back to me in a year and let me know how well you’re doing and how much money you’re making.  Then take me out on your yacht and we can do herbalife things like the people in the picture below.  But, more then likely you don’t have a yacht and are still broke because herbalife is taking all your money.

Herbalife bullshit

“I do herbalife things from a boat!”

So you’ve murdered and sacrificed 10 people, sold yourself to the devil, finally gave in and signed up under your sponsor.  Now what?  Now it’s time to annoy the living shit out of everyone you know to either try and get them to buy shit from you or sign up under you.  Your mom, dad, sister, aunt, pet hamster, dog, great grandmother who is dead, everyone.  It is within your herbalife cult code of conduct to literally try and make everyone hate you.  Literally.  They probably won’t tell you, but they do.  They hate you.  After you’ve annoyed the living shit out of enough people, maybe one or two will cave and start buying your crap only because they want you to shut the hell up and don’t want to talk to you until you ‘place your next order.’

Throw parties!

Ok enough.  Enough with the herbalife ‘parties.’  It’s not a fucking party.  You want me and everyone else to come over and BUY SHIT.  “You don’t have to buy anything.”  Well no shit.  I don’t go to parties to buy shit.  I go to parties to do shots, chug 50 beers, and snort cocaine off tits.  That’s a god damn party.

You’re not a business owner or an entrepreneur

I keep seeing these cult members mention their ‘herbalife business’ and how they ‘started their own business’.  The main purpose of a business is to increase the wealth of its OWNER.  Meaning, the actual owner of HERBALIFE (not you) is making a ton of money.  You (herbalife cult member) are an employee.  A salseperson for the actual business owner.  You make the actual business owners money.  You are also a customer.  That’s right.  You’re their number one customer.

You are not a business owner and probably never will be so quit with your bullshit, ok?  Start an actual business and we’ll start taking you seriously.  Here’s an idea, “Hooker Tit Diner.”  A late night diner & drive-in.  If you actually start that then I’ll be your herbalife bitch, now and forever.

 

Alleged unicorn lair found in North Korea

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Pyongyang, North Korea – I believed it the entire time. I never gave up hope that they were real, and now, we can finally put the speculation to rest. The unicorn exists! Proof that the one-horned, white horse of mythical elegance exists has been uncovered in the North Korean capital of Pyongyang. Evidence of said discovery has been officially backed by the History Institute of the DPRK Academy of Social Sciences.

This absolutely credible Korean institution states, in a report, that a rectangular rock carved with the words “UNICORN LAIR” has been discovered approximately 220 yards from an ancient Pyongyang temple. The carving is said to date back to the ancient kingdom of Koryo, established in 1392.

“The temple served as a relief palace for King Tongmyong, in which there is the lair of his unicorn.”

Ok, hold on a goddamn second. A carved rock sits across the yard from an ancient temple for over 600 years and nobody says peep about it until now? *BEEEEEEEEEP* *BEEEEEEEEEEP* *BEEEEEEEEP* That’s the sound of the BS alarm going off at full-blast. Why are you toying with us, Korea?! It appears that the Outlandish One, the King of the Bullshitters himself, Kim Jong-il is haunting us from BEYOND THE GRAVE. Remember when that little shit-ass told the world he shot 11 holes-in-one during a single round of golf? That sure was believable.

Um, yeah, hi, North Korea? Did a giant flock of flying pigs dump pixie dust all over your country, thus clouding your judgement? Call me when you’ve excavated a 500-foot-tall Godzilla skeleton or some fossilized dragon semen. Maybe then we can start taking you seriously.


Will Powerball Jackpot Grow to $1 Billion Before The World Ends?

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The growing Powerball lottery is making Americans very eager for a shot at all that paper. At the time of this publication, a payout of over $300 million (after taxes) is up for grabs and the jackpot continues to grow. Problem is, as the jackpot grows, our odds of winning decrease. The odds of you getting your arm bitten off by a shark are greater than cashing in on some Powerball jack. Kinda makes you wonder…will anybody ever win this thing?

According to the ancient soothsayers who wrote the Mayan calendar, the end of the world is approaching fast. December 2012 will prove to be our home’s Final Countdown. The Earth will swallow us whole. Doesn’t that suck? It does if you consider that the Powerball jackpot is on pace to break the $1 billion mark by that time. This means that some old geezer is going to cop the winning ticket, lose it, find it again and cash it in just in time for the Earth’s crust to split into a 10,000 mile-wide death chasm.

The Observer would like to advise everyone NOT to buy any Powerball tickets until the pot reaches at least $1 billion. Then, the lucky winner(s) can have a billion dollar dream come true right before the meteor hits!

Three Shoppers Killed During Cyber Monday Rush

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Associated Press – The volatile shopping atmosphere of Thanksgiving weekend has taken its toll on those who risked life and limb to participate. Black Friday saw thousands of furiously aggressive maniacs take to the aisles for a deal on a Blu-Ray® player or a smartphone. Small Business Saturday invited those not crazy enough to wage war on Friday to a more generous, supportive shopping environment. Lazy Sunday served as an outlet for those of us too scared to get into a hair-pulling, tit-twisting Black Friday Sale catfight with a soccer mom, but also too lazy to try.

This left us with Cyber Monday. That magical day of the year in which you can rest comfortably on your ass while searching for reasonably-priced online deals. Sounds pretty safe, right? Wrong. Most of us do not realize how much more dangerous Cyber Monday is compared to the other three. Statistics show there are more Cyber Monday-related deaths than Black Friday, Small Business Saturday and Lazy Sunday COMBINED. This year is no different. Three shoppers lost their lives on Cyber Monday compared to only one consumer casualty during the previous 3 days:

  • Cindy Phillips sat playing Bejeweled for 4 straight hours on the morning of the 26th waiting for deals. She suffered an epileptic seizure from all the blinking lights, passsed out and hit her head on the computer desk. Died on impact.
  • Bob Randleman woke up late on Cyber Monday and had to make a mad dash to the computer room. He slipped on a Matchbox car and hit his head on the hardwood floor. Died on impact.
  • Judith McGee pointed, clicked and PayPal’d her way to victory, earning herself a very sought-after bedroom set. Upon winning said item, she jumped up out of pure ecstacy, fell backwards over her chair and hit her head on a step stool. Died on impact.

It’s tragedies like these that make shopping on Thanksgiving weekend a perilous venture. We wish the victims’ families our condolences during this very bizarre holiday season.


Jerk Refuses to Dim Floodlight; Neighbor Pissed

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West Fargo, ND – In an open letter to his bordering neighbor, local resident Randy Mills made his feelings about the motion-detecting floodlight facing his house abundantly clear:

From:     Randy Mills   (ArchAngel420@ymail.com)
To:           Gerald Bartholomew   (G_Money_2010@mailsys.net)
Subject:  DIM YOUR FLOODLIGHT, BUTTHOLE
 
I am writing you to complain regarding your motion-activated floodlight! There seems to be no getting through to you! I have tried to be nice, but you will not listen! Many times we have spoken about this shining beacon of uselessness blazing through the outer reaches of the cosmos! Every time a bird or a squirrel passes by at night, it switches on and proceeds to sear my retinas and melt the siding off my house! There is too much wattage there!! Please find the attached drawing for further explanation, dick!
 
Also want you to know I have danced the Dance of Evil in spite of you; the spirits of Eternal Damnation have been summoned and will begin to torment your very existence.
 
Love,
 
Randy Mills

———————————————————————————————————————————–

At the time of this publication, there has been no response from that dick Gerald. We will be watching as this neighborly feud continues.

Best of The Red River Valley

Results of the 2012 ‘Best of The Red River Valley’ Competition

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Fargo, ND – The Fargo Forum recently ran a poll where readers voted for their favorite foods, events, services and more in the Fargo-Moorhead and surrounding areas.  We also ran our own poll where our readers voted as well.  The wait is over!  Below are the results!

 

 Best of The Red River Valley

Best Restaurant

Best Hobo Hangout

Best Bar To Almost Get Thrown Out Of

Best Mexican Restaurant

Best Taxi (Unfortunately we don’t have one.  They all suck according to the poll results.)

 

 

*check back for more as results are continually coming in

 

 

Massive Traffic Jams As Word Gets Out Of Hostess and Twinkies Demise

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Fargo, ND – In States all across the U.S., especially Mississippi, Alabama, and West Virginia, massive traffic jams are causing catastrophic mayhem.

On Friday, November 16, Hostess Brands Inc announced that it will wind down the company and go to bankruptcy court after BCTGM Union strike cripples it’s operations.

Word has finally reached the homes of the disabled.  Very large and overweight disabled people on electric scooters have been leaving their homes in massive numbers causing massive traffic jams on all major interstates.  Overweight people and their electric scooters can be seen in the thousands going as fast as they can, which tops the 10mph mark, to their local Walmart to get their hands on as many Twinkies as their scooter can carry.

AFP/Getty Images

I had a chance to speak to one determined scooter rider.  While jogging next to them on the interstate I asked Marlene if it’s really worth it to leave the house as it’s dangerous outside.  Her reply was, “AHH! (mumble) MMYEA TWINKIEEEEEEEEES!!!!”

We can expect these traffic jams to continue until all Twinkies are off the shelves.

 

Developers Announce App Designed to Waterproof Your Smartphone

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San Francisco, CA – An exciting and innovative new mobile app concept has finally made its way to the market. Get a load of this…are you ready? It’s an app that water-proofs your smartphone!! Vandelay Industries has announced and begun selling the mobile phone application entitled WATERPROOF.

WATERPROOF is designed to make your phone completely water-resistant. What does this mean? It means your phone can finally withstand exposure to liquid. Drop your phone into the toilet, sink, hot tub or bubbling cauldron of lamb’s blood and not concern yourself with the possibility of moisture damage!

The company’s Vice President, Art Vandelay, has given me the liberty of testing this revolutionary new mobile app. Let me tell you, it lives up to the hype!

I’ve left the windows open during a car wash. I’ve had lengthy phone conversations with ghosts in the shower. I’ve run my phone through the dishwasher rinse cycle to get it squeaky-clean. I put my phone in a glass of water on the nightstand before bed to silence text messages from my overly-aggressive therapist. I’ve even taken video of a snowball fight between a legion of psychotic fifth-graders in which I was caught up in the crossfire and relentlessly pelted with snowballs. After all this rigorous testing, my phone still works!

WATERPROOF uses patented Electro-Dry® technology to completely eradicate liquid molecules as they come into contact with device microchips. Simply amazing.

Folks–you can download, install and activate WATERPROOF today for the low low price of only $499.00 and use your phone near bodies of liquid worry-free!

Compatible with iOS 5/Android 4.0 and above. Not to be confused with PISSPHONE: the Golden Shower app. Use as directed.

Kellogg’s To Release Brand New Product Line In Colorado and Washington.

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Battle Creek, MI – In the wake of the recent election, Kellogg’s plans to release a brand new product line specifically for the states of Colorado and Washington.

For the supporters of marijuana, it was a historic moment as the states of Washington and Colorado recently made it legal to smoke pot recreationally.  Gov. John Hickenlooper of Colorado cautioned voters on Tuesday night: “Don’t break out the Cheetos or the Goldfish too quickly.”   Why would he say such a thing?  That’s because he has your best interest at heart and knows there may be better food to choose from when you get the munchies.

Kellogg’s recently announced that they are to release an entirely new product line specifically for the states of Washington and Colorado.  When asked if it has anything to do with marijuana now being legal, Kellogg’s spokesperson had this to say, “Marijuana has nothing to do with our new product line.  We feel Washington and Colorado are the best test markets to release a new an improved product line.  We want to make it very clear that our products such as pop tarts and cinnamon roll mini-wheats ARE NOT marketed toward marijuana users.  We are against this terrible terrible drug and anyone who uses it.  Again, our sweet tasting, sugary, FROSTED pop tarts are NOT stoner food nor will they ever be.  They are a very healthy snack for anyone.  Some of the new products in our line such as Frosted Cheese Dorito Flakes are for the children.  We care about providing healthy food to the young and old people of America.  Marijuana is the devil!”

An internal product line was leaked and we have some of the new products Kellogg’s plans to release right here!

Cheese Dorito Flakes W/Extra Cheese

Mile High Frosted Pies

Gan Ja Multi-Grain Chocolate Monster Cereal/Lunch/Dinner Bar

Little Bud(ies) Sticky Rice Krispies Bars

Hipstix

Dreaddies Mini-Wheats

Blazed Donuts

Mary Jane’s Smokey Nut Rolls

Giggle Toast (Peanut Butter and Dorito Sandwich – Gluten Free)

Malted Marley Wheat – It’s dank, mon! ®

Aunt Mary’s Wacky Blueberry French Toast Waffles (two scoops of icecream sandwiched between two large blueberry french toast waffles drizzled in a sweet raspberry sauce)

Ashy Kush Balls

 

Although disappointed that an internal employee would leak such information, Kellogg’s spokesperson would like to reiterate that these products are NOT marketed toward stoners and only just BY CHANCE had already chosen Washington and Colorado as the test markets before it was legalized.

Stay tuned as we release the second part of the product line just recently leaked as well.

Wal Mart Helping Shoppers Gear Up for Black Friday

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Bentonville, AR – The visionary brain trust contained at Wal Mart headquarters in Bentonville, AR is setting the stage for Black Friday by implementing protective measures for their late night/early morning shoppers. Headquarters is requiring that each Wal Mart greeter be equipped with combat gear to distribute to each customer who passes through the waiting line on Black Friday.

Wal Mart is also reported to be hiring armed guards to act as aisle fight referees. These “aisle knights” will post up at the corner of every department calling off the hounds, scraping mutilated corpses off the tile and rewarding the most ferocious victor his or her merchandise trophy.

 

A shield, helmet and lance will be made readily available for every gladiator brave enough to venture through Hell’s portal. Warriors from all across the region are set to gather eagerly at the gates of your friendly neighborhood Wal Mart to put their fighting skills to the test.

When the smoke clears and the dust settles, there can only be one victor! This November 23rd is sure to be a battle of epic proportions! Who among you possesses the strength and fortitude it requires to decimate your way to glory? Who will hoist the coveted 30% off LED TV? Anxiousness looms in the heart of the warrior during the coming week. Dost thee rugged soccer mom have what it takes to rise above?